Now those are some beautiful photos! Badgers are amazing, I’m always shocked with just how big they are.
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Hi Debbie,
Still haven’t started with the journaling, I’m not sure what my apprehension is, as if writing it down makes it more real or something.
I don’t think that is silly at all! And I bet you he’s there listening to you.
Lucy x
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I hope you are holding up as well as you can @NEILB72, flowers for your mum sounds like a wonderful idea! As I said before just do what feels best for you. I’ve got my birthday in a couple of weeks and am absolutely dreading it, we were meant to be going to St Leonard’s to a beautiful sea front apartment that we stayed in last year but me and my brother can’t face it now. My brother keeps asking what I want for my birthday but I honestly don’t want anything and see no point in celebrating.
Take care
Lucy x
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Hi Suzanne
Love the pics. Mum loved all animals and before she met Dad she lived in Surrey near the countryside and saw every animal apart from a badger. I’d love to see one in person too. Beautiful animals.
Dreading tomorrow but just have to get on with it. Will be speaking to my friend tonight. No theatre or concerts tomorrow but already booked for next Wed and cant come around soon enough.
Hot here again but thankfully not quite as bad as two or three weeks ago !
Speak again soon
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Christine.
First I’m really sorry to hear you got the Covid. I managed all the way through up until May and then got it. I blamed my Brother as I barely go out but he got it after me and wasn’t best pleased.
Thanks for putting up the pictures. I’m in awe of what you have done. The one of Porcha made me smile. Almost like she’s saying “what’s she upto now!” Just to be able to go out in freedom must be such a liberating feeling. Well done. You’d put any man to shame with that hard labour. (no offence Neil). It’s a shame the plants are so affected now with no rain. Mum had a Hydrangea at the back which is older than me at 50+ years so I hope I don’t lose it. Like Debbie was saying Hydrangeas are heavily reliant on watering and soon suffer. At my home I had with my Husband I had about 20 and lost them all as I wasn’t well enough emotionally to stay in my Blackpool home with me not really knowing any of the neighbours that well. I need to go back and make it look presentable but the more time goes by the harder it gets.
Glad to hear you are on a bit of an even keel at the moment. I have been in touch with the Samaritans with everything that’s going on extra to my Mum. Spent on yesterday on my own laying carpet on our hard floors as it’s less dangerous for Zoe but I forgot how flipping hard carpets can be to keep looking presentable and clean with a dog.
Nooo Christine I’m definitely not cookery oriented! It’s just that I’m eating a lot if rubbish lately so thought I’d see if I could find a solution. I did put several types of fruit on my porridge but topped it with crushed chocolate digestive biscuit sprinkled on top!
Enjoy your new found freedom in the garden, I can imagine you’ll be watering your plants with peace of mind later and that’s something that just can’t be bought so good on you for having the fortitude and tenacity to follow it through.
Much love. xx
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Hi Neil
Will be thinking of you tomorrow. My Mum’s birthday is September so I can’t offer any wisdom. I don’t know how I will feel but I’m scared at the thought of it. I can say though with my Husband that as upset as I was the build-up was much, more worse and it was like a change in emotional pressure somehow
Just reading about your Mum loving animals, were you a home that always had pets when you were growing up?
Take it easy tomorrow.
xx
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Hi Tina
Out of all the anniversaries tomorrow will be the hardest so far (although I did say that about Mothers Day too ). You are right when you say the build up is the worst. That’s when the anxiety starts up again.
Just had my friend phone as usual and that always helps. He knew Mum very well . He lost his dad 10 years ago but still has his Mum.
I saw on your post to Christine that you got in touch with Samaritans . I’ve always found them very good.
The only pets we had over the years were cats and then we lived in a flat so it was budgies and goldfish.
One of our budgies was only 5 when he died suddenly in my hand . Was on the round to the vet as he was lying in the bottom of his cage a lot and think he had a heart attack. Our other budgie Loopy which I named when I was young lived till she was 13 and she was put to sleep as she had a cancerous lump.
I firmly believe that now I’m 50 I think about mortality differently and am no longer afraid to die with my parents gone , grandparents , uncles and pets I do believe I will see them all again one day. Just the way I feel.
Anyway hope you are getting through your other troubles
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi all
Mum used to like going through the photos ( I used to groan 'not again) but now they are great comfort to me. Found this one taken at my christening - I actually didnt know the date and it was written on the back- 11th Jul 72.
These photos are helping me get through as my parents were young and free of any illness . Dad especially as he started with health problems at a younger age than I am now.
Nice to have memories and those in photos of your parents memories
Love to all x
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What a lovely photo! It is lovely to look at older photos. I think we forget our parents had a life before us!
I have one photo of me and Mum at my christening because Uncle David forgot to put film in the camera for the church!!
Beki x
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That is a lovely photo too Beki.
So many memories that our loved ones have made and now we can keep those memories going with these priceless photos. Some of my prized possessions now x
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I love all the photos, seeing you with your parents Neil and with your mum Beki, your patience paid off Suzanne with getting the badger photos.
This is me with my mum and dad on holiday, I can’t remember where, I must been about nine years
And me as a baby with my mum at my oldest sisters wedding
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Hi @christine51,
Today has been really hot, but we got to Lamport Hall just after 10am, spent time walking around the gardens trying to keep in the shade as much as possible.
Found a very friendly cat that followed us for ages, didn’t find out it’s name, but it was very fussy and wanted lots of stroking.
There was a farm museum, and we looked around the parish church which had a beautiful stain glass window behind the alter.
We were going to have lunch there, but it was the tea shops first day open only had tea, coffee and cake either coffee or chocolate, do we just did that. The tables were in the old stables , one in each horse stall. At least it was cool.
Then in the afternoon we went on a guided tour of the house, the lady that did it was very knowledgeable she certainly knew alot of the history of the house and family, called the Isham’s after a near by village of the same name.
Unfortunately we were not allowed to take photos in the house.
On the way home we stopped at Waitrose for a late lunch.
The grandchildren that were camping, had forgotten to take a couple of things with them, had a phone call, so I went for a ride to Peterborough showground with my daughter to keep her company to drop off, socks, skateboard, deodorant and a blanket, it was cold under the stars last night they said.
Debbie X
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Hi Beki,
I would have loved to binge tv and loll about today but had to drag myself round the garden for 4 hours with the hose because it was so desperate and I
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Hi Beki,
I would have loved to binge tv and loll about all day but had to drag myself round the garden for 4 hours with the hose because it was so desperate and I couldn’t leave it. Had to sit down all the way round. It’s the strangest thing, like my legs don’t have the strength to carry my body. The hacking cough has eased (only because I can’t keep talking to myself!) and I did manage to paint the posts in prep for tomorrow. The garden is in a sorry state with the heatwave. Scorched. I ran out of energy to clean the fishtank. That will be my awful job in the morning.
I really want to try and get to church if I can before my niece leaves for uni or moves, or both. Can’t go on my own. But once I go with her maybe I’ll manage again on my own, even if it is to just sit at the back and be terrified because I’m out of the house and it’s such an alien thing to me. That way I could help out in some way at xmas, even if all I can manage is dropping stuff off in the car. Doing my bit. Mam and I always donated toys through Boots. You buy a toy age appropriate and wrap it up from Santa. Making me emoch. Always makes me cry thinking of the children Santa doesn’t reach.
I always have a full on beard whenever I brush Porscha. It sticks to the foundation. I’ve always worn it, whether I leave the house or not. Just part of my routine. Feel naked without it and also look like cold porridge because I’m so pale.
I’m so relieved to have got round that garden before a hosepipe ban (hopefully not at the weekend).
Doesn’t matter how much water I drink I never feel quenched. But at least I didn’t cry in the garden today. Can never work out when I’ll fall apart or be in a productive mode. I’m so unlike myself and have given up trying to fathom it.
Well done for getting back into work. Your concentration must be shot.
Have loads of posts to delve into so will love ya and leave ya for now xxx
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Hi Debbie
Such lovely photos to treasure forever. This time last year I would have been groaning seeing Mum get them out the draw but now they mean so much to me x
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Great pics of Lamport Hall Debbie and thank you for sharing . It does feel so good to get out and to see interesting places after what we are all going through. Very good for the mind x
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Hi Lucy,
If I wasn’t as panic stricken outside as I am I’d have jumped at the chance to meet up. I loved being out and about before the stalking but now live such a restricted life to even imagine meeting fills me with anxiety. It really is the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ scenario. I used to be so fun loving and outgoing. I’ve been trapped at home for 25 years now. To get to therapy weekly is a massive achievement, the push being that I always feel better for doing it.
Don’t know whether I said but the Council housed me as a vulnerable person when my parents retired. So that is why I live where I do. I’ve made it home, redecorated during covid and then revamped the garden after mam. The garden is large. I’m so lucky. It looks bigger because of the ‘rooms’ I create to take you on a journey. Posting my pics here keeps my enthusiasm going and I love that it inspires my lovely friends here to do the same. Looking forward to seeing Debbie’s pics of her day out. When I’m having a good day like today (strange given that I have covid and couldn’t stop crying yesterday) I get excited and when I’m having an awful time I won’t be able to post much back but seeing everyone gives me hope with their encouragement. Just knowing I am being thought of here is precious to me. So however shit it gets (and it will) always check in for some reassurance that we are all here and know exactly how bad you are feeling. Sometimes I can’t push through it and just disintegrate. Meeting a friend for a drink is a massive achievement. You should recognise each small thing as a success, however painful it may be. I used to love going out partying but chose not to drink at home alone. Really miss going out.
Keep popping in Lucy. I’m always here. There is such a strange journey we are on. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. We are simply at the mercy of our grief and each day can be as different as the last or time merges together so you lose all perspective. To have the support of everyone here is invaluable. Even if it is to chat out loud about trying to go to church when I know it probably will never happen. The wanting to do things for me is as good as actually doing them. I might surprise myself and actually do it.
Enjoy meeting up with your friend. It is like we have a before and after. The after is such a struggle and we may never be ourselves again. But to keep trying and not totally give up is what we must all do. So make the most of everything you do. And keep posting!
Lots of love xxx
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Hello again,
I feel exactly the same. I can’t celebrate because mam isn’t here in the world. I sobbed because my dad refused to put mams name on my card because she isn’t here. Special days (birthdays, xmas, Mothers Day etc) are all reminders of her absence. I’m sure if you explain to your brother he’ll totally get it. Everything feels empty and can’t be replaced. But it is good that you have each other for support. xxx
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Hi Tina,
I really had to drag myself out there today and it took about 4 hours to get round with the hose. I felt like a little old lady, dragging my stool round the garden. I’m pleased I’ve caught covid at long last and have peace of mind that it’s just like an extra rotton cold. Always imagined I’d end up in hospital with no one to care for Porsch. I had to leave therapy early because I was coughing and spluttering everywhere and the room was going to have to be decontaminated for clients.
Having that fence up has really made me brave! Knowing I can’t be seen means I can relax and not always be on tenter hooks incase the creep creeps back. I feel enclosed, like being wrapped in an embrace. Has created a new relationship with the garden and I’m excited to be planting up that space in the Autumn with ferns and hostas.
It is such a shame seeing all the dead and scorched plants. Mam’s hydrangea looks like it may never recover. I wish I’d left it in the pot and popped just it in the shade. The sun seems to be reaching places it never did before. I lost the huge one I moved when I created the patio because it was in the way. I think if a plant is thriving let it be just as it is. That would be my biggest gardening lesson. All my beautiful primula have been lost too. I think the clay soil is just too heavy for them, and holds the moisture. That must have been upsetting to have lost all those hydrangeas. People don’t realise how plants represent time and memory. I know we can replace them but it’s not the same.
But laying the carpet was hard work in this heat. But it will be better for Zoe. It will be a nightmare keeping that hair free in this weather. I find cellotape or brown parcel tape is great at picking up small amounts of fur. Maybe’s a clothes brush would do the trick. I had to get rid of my ivory carpet with the garden. Little muddy footprints everywhere! I’ve got wood effect lino floorboards now. Great to put down (cut with scissors), warm and easy to clean with those wipes. Especially the kitchen with feeding Porscha. She’s such a messy eater!
Your choc digestive porridge sounds yum! Because I can’t actually go to a shop I am limited for treats to when I get my online shop. I try to be good and whatever I get I always devour in the first 2 days (burger, crisps, icecream or lollies, chocolate or cake). Otherwise its all very boring veg soup. I don’t like much and can’t cook so considering all of that I’m healthy in general. Still haven’t got my scan results back but have applied for access to my records so I can have a look without going through the GP. Just need to register online.
Can’t wait to get the trellises up to extend the height of the fences. It’s bloody hard work but if I don’t do it who else will? Be great to get all the hard work out the way and enjoy the rest of the summer.
Whatever else is going on Tina I’m always here, thinking of you. Always love to see you. We’re like old friends!
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Neil,
How wonderful! I love your mams expression as your dad struggles with you. Our parents are always so well presented, taking pride in themselves and everything they do. It is their generation. The way things are done. It makes me cry looking at mine. Like you said, when the old projector and slides came out I’d always protest against it. But I trawled through all of them for mams service, photographing a huge amount and then creating a montage on the computer as a digital library. For xmas I was going to get the slides put onto digital and get a modern thing they could easily use. But I was too late. Mam would have loved seeing what I’d done for her. Wish I could have done it with her and not for her.
You said about meeting everyone when your time comes, that they will all be there, waiting for you. I hope that really is true. So many believe it is. My therapist said he has friends and clients who have experienced pure bliss but then been brought back to life again. They were so free that they had no interest in anyone being left behind. It must be a journey we have yet to take. I like the idea of a blissful state, where there is no anxiety or fear. Just peace. I long to join mam. I didn’t realise this life was so meaningless without her until she left me.
Thank you for letting us all meet your lovely mam and dad. The day will arrive and you will be hit with your mam not being here (as I was) but you have all your lovely memories and cards to cherish. To know you are loved and that you loved in return is all that matters in this life. What else is there? Hope to see you here tomorrow. Be thinking of you Neil. You are a wonderful son. Your parents will be very proud of the man you are today.
Lots of love xxx
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