Beki what a lovely idea to donate a gift boxes in your mum’s memory to the refuge shelter at Christmas.
At our church we collect for the food bank and homeless shelter. But I usually put my weekly contribution in the collection point at Lidls, it’s all for the same place but at least I don’t have to carry it home.
Debbie X
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Lovely photos Beki, glad you and grandad had a lovely time X
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Hi everyone,
I hope you are all coping with the heat. I went to a garden centre today with a friend for lunch. It was so hot I thought I was going to melt. My daughter just text me we are going to Lamport Hall tomorrow early, just in case it gets to hot walking around.
Suzanne I feel for you working in a shop I hope they have your air conditioning working now, lots of grumpy hot customers is not good. At least time heat wave I’m not working thank goodness.
Tina I hope you are okay, and how is Zoe, have had the tests done yet. I know you are feeling a bit low at the moment so sending big hug 
How are you Nic and the girls, are you finding things for them to do now it’s the summer holidays. It a struggle to keep them entertained and keep the cost down.
Did you get to see your mum again Michelle, I’ll be thinking of you this Friday. Any news from your housing association about changing tenancy to your name.
How are you Neil, have you thought how your going to remember your mum on her birthday on Thursday. When it was Doug’s birthday I still get him a card and I also buy something for the garden and put it in the area that is my version of a shrine, like solar lights, I do it on our wedding anniversary too. I see you were talking to Lucy about Christmas, I still write Doug’s name on cards to our children and grandchildren. It’s my way of keeping him alive in our lives.
How is the journaling coming on Lucy, sometimes it’s hard to get started, but once you do you’ll find there is so much you need to say. I’ve started a letter to Doug today I’m already on page 3 of A4 , there is so much I need to tell him and when I’ve finished I read it out loud so he can hear what I want to say to him. Silly I know but I’m convinced he is listening to me talking to him.
Jane are you okay, I’m so envious of you being able to walk alone the beach with your dog, especially in this heat. Always get a lovely breeze on the coast.
Speak to you all soon
Love Debbie xx
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@Debbie57 yes I was there Sunday, paddling in the sea with my daughter and Harry. I should go every day really only 20min walk, but I’m terrible for not wanting to go on the front, always worried il see someone I know 
I’m still not really going out much and seeing people.
Normally just take Harry to the park near me.
Hope your OK & everybody else
Xx
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Hi Debbie,
This is the first time I’ve had covid because I’m so reclusive. I was always terrified of getting it and ending up in hospital. I’m feeling so much better for just resting.
I just Googled Lamport Hall (what did we do before Google?) and it’s amazing. Mam loved days out like that. Get your comfy shoes out and a sun brolly. You’ll need them. You do some lovely things. Reminds me of period drama’s like Downton Abbey. I watched a good film last night which captures the decline of a family and their lovely house after the war, selling off land just to keep going. Always intrigues me.
You do have a busy week with the birthday party too. I remember being that age and feeling very grown up. It’s nice to see the parents being so civilised. My sister certainly isn’t being. Parents really do lead by example. And I’m pleased your son isn’t in a huff. It’s natural to imagine what is happening. My therapist tells me I do it all the time and need to stop and find out what is actually happening instead of believing my own theory. It’s so true.
I couldn’t water the garden today. Kept thinking I must get up and make a start and just didn’t have the energy. Hope I can make an early start tomorrow before it gets too hot. Feel confident now to get out there whether the creep is at home or not. If I can’t be seen I can’t be watched. There might be a hosepipe ban by the weekend so I need to make the most of it while I can. Then if I can’t after that I’ll be guilt free if anything dies. Hope to get the fence posts painted too.
Well done for tackling the pond pump. It’s always a faffy job but rewarding when it works well. I need to lower the waterfall hose as it’s very steep and stops if the pond needs topping up. I’ve seen a few birds sitting on the edge of it having a drink. So cute! Miss my robin since I had to stop feeding the birds because of the rats. Always thought of mam when it was hopping about with me in the garden.
It is so unbelievably hot with all the windows closed. Can’t have them open when I sleep with being in a bungalow. If I sleep in the sitting room the creep gets his drill out or starts hammering the wall. I’m so quiet. I don’t understand how he can hear me through the wall. The fireplace gets a nice draft down the chimney so it’s some relief.
Did you see Beki’s fab pics of her trip with her grandad? They had a wonderful time, even though it was tinged with sadness. I suppose whatever we do will be from now on. Just sitting in the garden is upsetting me now. The more time that passes the more I miss her.
Have a fabulous day tomorrow. Looking forward to the pics!
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Jane,
Read the poem and I’m in bits! It really is the high price we pay for loving so deeply. I can’t imagine anyone will be grieving for me the way I am missing mam. It seems the more time passes the harder it is getting. The thought of sitting in the shade of the patio tomorrow is upsetting because mam won’t be able to ever experience that again and it was something we did together in the old garden. I miss her so very much. I understand you not wanting to bump into people you know and avoiding going out. I don’t know anyone because I don’t go out. But I did see an old friend from years ago but I was driving and couldn’t chat properly. I did the usual thing of ‘everything’s fine’ but as I drove away I realised mam died. That is what happened to me. My life has stopped because my mam died. She isn’t here and I can’t accept that. I don’t know how to live without her. Absolutely sobbing for her.
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@christine51 aww bless you, totally understand when I cry I’m always saying out loud that I hate this life now, this new life indidnt want. I honestly don’t think il be the same person I use to be, bubbly, out with friends, out with family,
Everything upsets me, cafes we went to if I see them, items I bought her in the supermarket, certain food she loved, just never ending…
Her favourite singer was andrea bocelli, my son and daughter have bought me tickets to go see him next month, it will be amazing and also heartbreaking 
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@christine51 your precious Mam would want you to love life again like I know my Mam would. Very hard though isn’t it
Big hugs to you xx
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Hi Debbie
Hope you are doing ok?i went and saw mum yesterday and it was horrible. Mum looked so different to last week dont know why but it made me panic.
Dr referred me to thr mental health team i had an assessment don’t feel like i was listened to he was more interested in telling me stories about other people’s grief. Apparently he is signposting me to another wellbeing team for talking therapy but i feel worse after seeing him haven’t stopped crying, can’t eat and just had a couple of hours sleep even with the sleeping tablets. Housing association have just said give them as much info as possible and then it goes through 2 managers to decide. If i loose the house i wont be able to cope and i will just end it. The funeral is playing on my mind i feel physically sick at the thought of it. Why is this happening i miss mum so much. Xx
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Hi Debbie
Still havent decided what I will do for Mums birthday. Will definitely get flowers . Was hoping to get her ashes buried about now but as we are in another heatwave I wait until Summer is over now I think. Just cant wait for tomorrow to be over if I’m honest. My birthday 9th (Apr), Dad 10th (Jul) and Mum 11th (Aug)!
I’ll check in with you all tomorrow
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Michelle,
I was really shocked when I saw mam at the chapel of rest because she looked so different, not herself. But I would prefer to see her that way than not at all.
Sounds like the GP you saw wasn’t trained in grief. Maybe he thought sharing other peoples stories was a way of letting you see you aren’t alone. Hope the new team is better. Worth a go. I haven’t spoken to anyone apart from my therapist and it has helped me sharing here. This new journey you have joined us on is never ending. I’m now 8 months in and don’t want to go in the garden because I know I’ll start crying for mam like yesterday and the days before that. She isn’t here to enjoy anything I enjoy and imagining her with me just makes it worse. The closer I feel to her the more upset it makes me. So I can’t win whatever I do. I must water the garden and so will have to force myself to put on a brave face and hope I can contain myself. I still don’t understand how this has happened. None of us do. It’s just something we have to deal with now as best we can. But getting it out does help. So keep posting.
If the decision about the house is not in your favour appeal it and get onto your MP. It will be a lengthy process. Drag it out and fight all the way. I can’t imagine them being that heartless. Neil is still in his family home. I’m sure you have rights. Concentrate on your mam and what you need to do now. the house situation will be dealt with in time. I know that’s easy for me to say. But take each thing as it comes and on to the next.
Keep posting Michelle. We are all here for you, whether that is to give practical advice or just to listen and understand because we are further along the road in this awful experience. You will feel some relief from the place you are in now. I never thought I would climb out of the darkness but I did because the intensity you are feeling now will subside a little. You will catch your breath and gather some strength before the next wave. You have the support of your husband to help you. My family abandoned me when mam left apart from my niece and so I battle on alone. We are designed to soldier on, however heartbroken we are. It is our nature. You will keep going and do what you have to.
Keep posting when you can. Keep drinking in this heat and eat when you can. Imagine your mam there with you and what she’d be saying to help you through this. It’s all we can do, get through it. We’re all here for you Michelle. We’re all thinking of you.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Neil,
Thinking of you my love. I was just posting to Michelle. We are all at different stages in this awful journey but it really doesn’t get any easier. You will be relieved after tomorrow. I never thought I’d stop crying on mams birthday and my own. Thought I’d be broken and never recover. But we do, a little, bit by bit. Knowing that keeps me going.
I’m avoiding going into the garden again after being so upset about mam not enjoying sitting in the shade with me. It’s funny the things that upset me. But I must water the garden. Been ordering more brackets for the fence posts so will hopefully get them painted for my delivery tomorrow. Been up from 7 and still not dressed.
Have you decided on what flowers you will get? Mam loved all flowers but was partial to freesias because her mam loved them and she always bought her a bunch every week when she got paid. She loved roses. That’s why I ordered so many for my garden. Must gather all the ones that haven’t taken and request a replacement.
Porscha has a new favourite spot on the patio - an old wooden table just the right size for her to sprawl out on. She’s dozing in the shade. All the cats were there for breakfast this morning so I have more chicken to cook. It’s never ending.
Going to get ready and make a start, finally!
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Christine
Mum also loved her flowers and will be getting her some tomorrow. I have the cards from the last few years ready to put up tomorrow. Found some more that I didnt know I had and looked through all of Mums 80th that she kept and some of the lovely words in those cards. The two large photos that I have in my living room are from her 80th . I think they were the last pictures taken of her . She didnt like her photo taken very much. I can get comfort from the fact that she looked exactly the same as the photo the day before she went in hospital so I can look and not be upset. Dad was different as he was suffering in his last couple of years and it upsets me when I see him like that so I try and look at older photos of him as much as I can.
Hope your day ( and covid) will go as well as possible
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
I do envy you with all your cards. I didn’t keep any because I’m not sentimental. Didn’t know I needed to be until now. Mam would have been 80 in the January. We were going to have a big party for her with everyone coming down from up north, or them going up there. I couldn’t have gone either way because of my panic but mam always told me about it all afterwards so it felt like I hadn’t missed out. I’m pleased you have good photo’s of your mam. I’m usually the one taking pics and don’t like being in the photograph. I know what you mean about your dad. I could see from later pics that mam was struggling and finding it hard to keep that sparkle she had. I always think of her from before she got ill at the old house.
You should be pleased that you’ve already prepared a lot for tomorrow. Will you get a small cake with your flowers? Even just an iced bun or scone to mark the occasion? Mam loved cake and was always baking tasty treats, picking fruit from the garden and hoarding her jam jars in preparation. Everyone was always on at her to get rid of the jars. I’d fill my house with them now for just a minute with her.
Still haven’t got out in the garden. Just about to start watering it. So very hot. Feeling very fragile and wobbly, like I have no strength in my legs. The oddest feeling. I always watered their old garden in later years. Wish I could go back there. I miss it so much. The new people took the pond out. I always planted it with lobelia and pansies for the frogs. But the next door neighbour has a pond so they’ll go there. He was very upset when my parents moved and went to the service for mam. Dad wasn’t bothered about keeping in touch with him. I wonder how he is. It’s sad when people move and just leave old friends behind like they don’t matter. I would like to maybe send a card to see how he’s doing.
Dreading going out in the heat but needs must as mam would say. Let me know how you get on tomorrow. Will be thinking of you. The build up is always bigger than the day itself. You can relax when tomorrow comes and sit quietly with your mam and dad. They’ll be with you. I wish life could return to how it was before they left us and we didn’t know anything of our new life. I’m in floods of tears again. This sadness is just so relentless.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Neil
Did your Mum have a favourite type of flower?
Beki x
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Hi Christine
Even if it feels mild don’t under estimate the covid - give yourself permission to rest and take care of yourself. Keep hydrated, eat what you can and if your body wants to rest let it. Sleep or binge some lovely mindless tv! Your body is healing.
Think it sounds a lovely idea to send your Mum’s old neighbour a card just to say hello - sure it would mean the world to him too.
I think like most people, giving gifts is as much fun if not more than getting them at Christmas. I’ve done shoeboxes for the womens refuge in the past before. I know some women who’ve had to use those services and just getting some decent toilteries and knowing theres a stranger out there that cares makes a huge difference to them. During the year I try and support with donations when I can but you can’t beat putting a physical box together.
The great thing is you can do it from home - look out for bargains and offers and order items online from Superdrug etc. Package them up at home and I am sure a local church etc would come and pick them up from you. My local Rev is very proactive like that, not that I am one of his flock.
Just brushed Pixie cat and now have enough hair to make another!!
Got a banging headache but going to just sit and keep drinking water, fan on and try and do some work. I know my attention span etc isn’t as good as it could be for work but they are supportive and it sounds super big headed but even on half cylinders I’m as good as many people on full (sod modesty for a moment!!)
Beki x
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Michelle, sending you a massive hug. You are in the thick of the storm and yes, it is that shit. Utter shit. Say it out loud ‘this is shit’.
I wish I could take that pain away for you. Just know what you are feeling is genuine, valid and normal…and again, shit!
Sounds like the doctor was trying to comfort you with other peoples grief which many people do, I suppose we even do it to an extent. But you can’t compare grief - it’s a bit like saying I am hotter than you, lie that helps when you feel like you are 100C!!
I lost my appetite too and in those first weeks. Try and keep hydrated, and if you can find anything else you can stomach and get down do - fruit juice, nibble on biscuits or crisps.
Put the Samaritans number in your mobile ready, and any other mental health contacts you are giving and do not be afraid to ring them - even if it is just to bawl down the phone - they will understand that.
And when you can keep coming here and type how you feel - there is nothing you can say that will shock us! Many of us will have had those feelings too.
Right now, just take moment by moment. You do not need to think beyond the next day, or even next hour.
Take care, Beki x
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Hi all 
I seem to have missed a lot over the last 24 hours x
Went on a sett watch last night and although I only had my phone I got at least one photo of a badger that I was so happy with. Saw one running through someone’s garden too…bliss 
x
@christine51…sorry to hear you have covid and hopefully it won’t linger long. Thank you for posting all the lovely photos. I might be able to enjoy my new garden chair if I’m ever not working over the next few days lol x
@NEILB72. Sorry to hear you’re struggling these couple of days more than usual but some nice flowers would be a lovely idea. Could you maybe see if there’s any free concerts at that Chutch you like? x again sorry to hear Cruse cut you short again…would be interested to know if it’s the same person or not. Will check in with you tomorrow x
Sorry everyone but lunch break over so will send blessings to you all just now and love yous and leave you…for now 
x
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Hi Christine,
So sorry to hear you’ve caught covid, I’ve had it a couple of times, the first time was awful, second was over Christmas and no so bad. I hope you start to feel better soon and take it easy.
I’m so glad you’ve got some privacy in your garden now, hopefully you’ll be able to go out there when you need to without having to worry.
I’ve seen that you live in London, I’m in London too, l know you have difficulties going out but if you ever need a friend I’m probably not very far. Also you are incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful garden in London!
Having a bit of a shit week but just trying to push through it. Meeting a friend for a drink later so looking forward to that.
Take care of yourself.
Lucy x
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