Good evening everyone. Been reading all the posts . I must say thank you to everyone for your very kind words . Obviously a very difficult day for me and at one stage wasnt feeling well at all ( probably helped on by the heat). I made a call to Cruse and that really helped ( I had planned to anyway).
I bought Mum some lovely flowers and got some touching messages from friends and my relatives in Australia. All the cards are up from recent years that I had kept. I even saw a robin this morning which I now always regard as a sign.
For all of this these anniversaries are so, so hard but all we can do is get through the best we can .
Sending love and best wishes to you all
Neil x
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I treasure this photo with all my heart. My Mums friend had this made into a frame and I have it near my chair. Taken on Mumās 80th birthday in 2019. She didnt look any different the day before she went into hospital xx
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Thank you for sharing such a fantastic photo Neil and your wee Robin proves you werenāt truly alone 
xx
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A lovely picture Neil and glad that also we have the sadness you can still feel the glints of happy memories and love.
best, Beki x
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Your mum looks so young for her age, a lovely photo.
Debbie X
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@christine51ā¦just the start of my wee bit garden and when Iām off Iāll actually maybe get to sit in my new chair lol x
I have green paint to paint the fence but itās not a job I want to do so keep putting it off lol x
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Hi Suzanne.
Painting is very therapeutic I find, Iāll be on the next train up !
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Hi all
Youāve all put up some wonderful pictures of your Mums,
xx
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What a fun-loving happy soul she looks Christine xx
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Thats a really lovely photo Neil. xx
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Last summer I painted all my fences and garden shed. Iām such a messy painter I was covered in as much paint as was on the fence. I gave my self targets and rewards to get it done. Paint two panels I was allowed cup of tea and biscuit.
Good luck. X
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Thatās a good idea Debbie. xx
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Hi Christine
How is the Covid?
Just heard my Neighbour in his garden telling his mate heās set up CCTV in his bedroom window overlooking his workshops, which means our garden as well. Is there no where you can be these days in privacy. I know heās not looking at me for any funny reason, not like your neighbour. Think Iāll go out and sunbathe topless that will soon make him unplug it.
Well Iāll go and do some jobs Christine. Iāve watered the Hydrangea and hope it comes back but it looked in a right state this morning so that will be an achievement if it comes round.
Catch you later xx
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Thank you all for the lovely comments about Mumās photo. She didnāt like her picture taken and this was one of the last taken of her . Itās still so hard to get into my head that she apparently hadnāt been well for quite a well even though she didnt look any different to this photo the day before she passed. I always said she looked at least 10 years younger and always looked after her skin . But the combination of an unknown infection and undetected heart conditions which had turned to the deadly ( 90% mortality with heart failure I was told). She just had so many things against her ( acidosis and severe fluid retention too) which I found out after and it is so difficult to take. At least she was asleep when she passed and that is at least some comfort .
Sending you all love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil and everyone else because Iām finding it really hard to post today,
Neil, Iām so pleased you managed to get through your mamās birthday and had kind messages from family and friends. Your mam looks great. Iām really pleased you have such a wonderful pic of her to have with you. I hate having my pic taken too so there arenāt many. Iām usually the one taking the photo. Youāll be able to look forward to your trips out now with a lighter heart. I think your mamās birthday has brought back all the upset for me too. And posting mams pics set me off on wanting to have just a bit more time with her. She really did love life even though she had many health things to cope with later on. Since she has left my life has stopped. I wish it had stopped when she was still here so I could have enjoyed that time with her. Now she isnāt here nothing that mattered before matters now. I should have been less driven and focused more on mam and enjoying doing stuff with her. I didnāt know that was the most important bit in life.
Debbie, thank you for posting the pics of the house. It always intrigues me how living in opulence must mold a person beyond the norm, though I thought it would be more lavish. Maybe too much Downton Abbey. Hope you enjoyed the birthday party. Making new memories is what life is all about.
Suzanne, your garden looks fab. Tina and Debbie are right about painting being therapeutic and having rewards. If you do a panel a day over the summer youāll get through it. You have a blank canvas which will make it easy to get it done. I have to repaint the grey panels going up the garden and repaint the top ones but with plants and climbers in the way, and wire mesh, itāll be very difficult. Swap you! You could string some fairy lights all the way along. Be very cosy on an evening now that the nights are coming in by 9 here. Goingto rain next week (thank goodness) so push for painting according to the forecast. That will give you your timeframe. Thought you had included the street light in your garden but then realised its the bird feeding station!
Beki, I think I will print off some pics to have all around me and then I wonāt be as shocked when I see mam. I think avoiding looking is making my grief worse. Iām waiting for my shopping delivery and Iām in floods of tears again. Just canāt stop. Itās funny how cats always have to be including themselves in whatever is going on. The cats from along the doors all lounge around wanting cuddles and chicken. Porscha watches them and me as if to say āSheās my mam!ā. Itās a never ending chicken run with buying, defrosting, chopping up into tupperware , cooking, cooling and storing, ready to be then taken out again and warmed and softened for the next meal. My days are shaped by tending to Porscha. I really will be totally lost without her.
Tina, I think my mamās hydrangea has lost its battle but I will try cuttings. I did that with the one I moved when I did the patio and they have grown well. Itās a shame your neighbour is getting cameraās. I find it totally invasive and have yet to get mine up again. Was waiting for my niece to try her phone but then I got the covid. At least you know itās not going to be used to watch you. I got the 2 posts up and attached to the fence (massive job) and prepared the bits for attaching to the pergola to strengthen the top and the comments from the creep when he got back was that he was surprised Iād done such a good job !!! The arrogance on him. I presume that being a woman makes me sub standard and not capable of doing a good job. I hate him. Heās still not gone out so Iām not going out there. My resolve to not be bothered by him is very different when heās actually there. But I was able to have my windows open in the sitting room last night and now because he canāt see down the garden (I hope). Waiting to finish the job from yesterday. I ran out of energy. And then had the fishtank to clean. But I did it. Just cleaning the bathroom now. Will post pics of my progress today.
I just feel so utterly sad and desperately missing my mam. Iām punishing myself for being independent of her, not spending more time with her. I know itās silly because I was the one who went over there throughout the week and did all the jobs that needed doing. But because of their move, covid and mamās health the routine of going stopped and I was trapped at home a lot of the time with my anxiety. I feel so guilty. I just want to tell her Iām sorry for not being there like I should have. I would go and live in the garden, sleep under the bench, live in the cupboard, anything just to have her back. Iām balling my eyes out again and my shopping will be here soon.
Lucy and Michelle, sending you love. Iām not in the best place myself. Just swamped with missing mam. I just canāt accept sheās not here. I want so badly to tell her how devastated I am that sheās not here and if she can Iāll swap places with her so I can watch her carry on loving life as she did. I feel so empty without her here.
Nic, hope you are enjoying the summer hols while they are here. I was saying to Debbie about making new memories. Thatās what youāre doing for the girls. Theyāll be back at school again soon and youāll feel a little lost without them. Hope everything else is going the way you want it to as well.
Neil, I am pleased you celebrated your mamās birthday and can now get back on an even keel again with things to look forward to. Sorry if Iāve not been more helpful. I am just so broken again.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Christine
Thank you for the kind words. We are the people that understand how difficult this is with the emotions up and down all the time.
A friend said to me yesterday ā you have to move on and concentrate on the futureā. They havent lost their parents and they dont live with them either so have no clue about the grieving process. Thatās why sometimes I prefer to talk to Cruse/Samaritans as they know how to help people and they listen and dint judge you.
Will be glad when/if that rain comes next week !
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi all
Well its a Friday, the day Mum left so always feels a bit weird. I have no idea how many weeks and wonāt figure it out.
Just had a nice online meeting with my director who is very caring and understanding though she did say it was nice to hear me more upbeat and that sent me into a panic. I know people say this as a positive thing but whenever people say I am doing well or better than they thought etc I just want to scream I feel like shit. Or when I am having an okay moment I almost feel guilty. Yet I know my mum would want me to be happy - full stop, no questions asked!
@christine51 so sorry you are having a hard time. Sending a massive virtual hug which has the advantage of not being hot! The feeling of wanting to be with our Mums is so strong. I have almost trained my brain like an artificial intelligence so when I speak to her in my head it says back what she would say - I knew her that well. I keep dwelling on the nasty things I said to her or times I was grumpy in the last few weeks but it was all exhaustion and frustration, and I know she knew that. And she said some horrible things in pain etc and I sure as hell donāt hold them against her as I know they were just moments but brains can be right arses!!
I do love seeing her face, even if at times it makes me cry. It is making me teary typing this but you know, so what. As Granddad said, if I canāt cry for Mum who can you cry for? Just need to remember to laugh to - she always said it was her favourite sound in the world, me laughing.
@NEILB72 my Mum was 70 and was often mistaken for being in her 50s, she swore by Oil or Olay! I think that makes it a bit harder too - our Mums looked great on the surface but sadly under the hood was problems. And although I wish I still had Mum and would happily care for her, she hated the lack of independence, she hated the thought of getting older so perhaps better me in pain now than her.
@Suzanne30 the garden space looks lovely .
I am over this bloody heatwave! Had to start a 3rd blood pressure medication this week so not sure if feeling sickly etc is side effects, peri-menopause, heat related, anxiety or all of the above. Have had pain in my calves too, feels like sciatica though could be side effects lack of electrolytes so just drunk a berocca. Tastes yuck but at least my pee will glow in the dark for the next day!!
Beki x
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Hi Neil,
Itās so true that people who have never experienced it cannot possibly has insight, no matter how well intentioned they might be. I know it would have come from a loving place though, for you to find some relief. Theyāll remember you when it happens to them and theyāll understand where you are now. I canāt ring like you do because the creep listens to everything and comments on whatever I do. Think heās just left for work so I can get out and water the garden. It seemed to be a retreat from crying but itās started out there too when Iām just sitting. Itās knowing mam will never do the things she loved and I just want her to be with me. I wish Iād never left home so I could have had more time with her. But dad used to drive me mad. Iāve never understood him as a person, the way he thinks and his attitudes. Itās his birthday next week. I still donāt understand why he has abandoned me for being grief stricken but my others sisters are allowed to be. Iāve never been crying me eyes out in front of him, wailing for her as we went round the garden centre (imagine!). I can control myself. Just heard the creep, he hasnāt left. Hope he does soon and I have a full day and late evening.
Hereās my jobs from yesterday:
Filling the gap with decking boards which I will paint green so they blend in and I have a plastic trellis to add when finished to hide them:
Used lots of fixings to strengthen. I like seeing the workings of a thing so wonāt hide the clips.
Struts prepared to attach fence tops to pergola to strengthen.
Hope he doesnāt cut the boundary growth on the other side of the fence
Will repeat the process further along to anchor again
You would not believe how hot I was and the time it took to just do what I did. Seeing the pics looks like a small job. Will be glad to get them finished. Have plastic to add to the trellis tops so I have more privacy.
Be glad of the rain just so I can have a rest! Never been so busy, covid or not. Feeling a lot better today, but then I havenāt done anything yet.
Do you have anything planned for the weekend? You could see what that lovely church has on.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Beki,
I know that guilty attachment to feeling ok, like Iām being disloyal. I really thought Iād come through the worst but itās as intense now as it ever was when it hits. The garden is no refuge from the crying. I canāt help but imagine mam with me while I sit in the shade. Itās what I enjoyed doing with her because I find it hard to stop and rest and she was a gage on time. Iāve started getting the icelollies in that she always had as treats when I went over. Everything reminds me of her. So however well you are doing now it doesnāt mean that youāll be back to āsquare oneā . But it is lovely that you have such caring and understanding bosses. That is one battle you donāt need to take on like so many I imagine. Thursday is my day for mam leaving and I know itās 37 weeks because I ploughed through my diary so I didnāt forget. I donāt know the number. It has no significance other than itās such a long time. I canāt comprehend time now. Itās all a blur. Thank you for your not hot hug! I know I keep punishing myself with not being perfect and not seeing her enough and being so stressed because of the creep and situation that was ongoing. Mam understood my anxiety and that I was under immense stress but it doesnāt take the guilt away that I could have not been like that, not told her everything that was going on and been so angry about it all. I donāt hold back, so when Iām angry Iām explosive about it, when Iām sad Iām absolutely destroyed. Itās not a mental condition. Iām just a very passionate creature! I loved mam more than anybody I have ever loved and will continue to do so. I canāt switch it off or turn it down. Wish I could. I wouldnāt be in torment if I could pause it until I saw her again.
Iām so pleased you have the loving support of your grandad. I just donāt understand my dad. How can you disown a daughter who loved her mam so much? It makes no sense. And I was saying this to Neil, itās not like Iām sobbing in the garden centre to embarrass him. I have always hidden who I am from him anyway so not getting upset in front of him isnāt that different. But what really hurts is that my other 2 sisters are allowed to be upset. He acknowledged how upset they were in the same sentence as telling me I would have a miserable life if I didnāt stop hiding away in my grief for mam. Itās so unfair.
You mention to Neil about your mamās face cream. Mam look young too and had the same skincare routine. I was really upset when I asked to take one and nobody could tell me where they were. Same for her makeup and perfumes. It wasnāt to use but to think of her. It was the same with her clothes. Even my niece said how nasty they had been to do the clothes and not include me in it because I wasnāt there. I had to rummage through the charity shop bags for the things they didnāt want. It was all free stuff to them. To me it was the essence of mam. She loved her clothes and took pride in herself. I always cut her hair how she liked it because she stopped going out to the hairdressers. I have her offcuts in the loft. Iād saved her hair over time to do a textile on the ageing process. Canāt bear to see it now. But I know itās there for when Iām ready.
Oh Becki, so sorry that you are on meds that make you feel awful. Itās prob a mix of everything. My legs felt like they would give way the other day and thatās never happened before. Thought it was a covid thing. I take electrolyte sports things to top up in the heat. The grapefruit ones are nice. Donāt get glowing wee but wouldnāt it be fun if we did!
Take care. Fridays for me are always a reflection on what Iāve achieved in the garden. Not doing too bad considering the list I had to get through. Iām very impatient but try to do it as an ongoing project and when Autumn hits I can reprimand myself if I havenāt achieved everything.
Lots of love xxx
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Fantastic how you are getting your jobs done in the garden Christine. Would be better still if the creep buggered off permanently and moved far awayx
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