That’s no problem at all and the offer is always there. My mum really struggled to go out so I completely understand your situation. It wonderful that you have your lovely garden to go out to.
Thank you so much for your support, it’s such a great community we have here. There’s definitely a before and after once you lose your mum, you have to adapt to living a completely different life which is completely alien. It’s exactly 2 months today since I lost mum so struggling today.
Thank you for sharing photos of your mum, what a beautiful and glamorous lady!
I hope your covid is clearing up now and you’re enjoying your garden today.
How are you feeling after yesterday? Seems like you got through it like a champ! That’s lovely that you saw a little robin, my mum loved them so I take it as a sign too. Your mum certainly didn’t look her age!
He’s still out there. Been lurking at the front because I’m in the bedroom. I know when he’s fiddling about and not just getting stuff from the van. Its deliberate. Would like nothing more than if he was evicted for his behaviour. Can’t believe they did nothing to him. Makes it worse that he chats to the neighbours and makes all sorts of comments about me. Trying to deflect attention away from what he has done. Hope he does it to someone and gets well and truly battered. He deserves it. I think it’s worse when he’s quiet though because I don’t know what he’s up to then. Just hiding in my bedroom crying for mam. Want to get out and finish my fence but can’t possibly when he’s there.
Hope you are having a quiet day with no upheavals. I got my food delivery but don’t even have any appetite. Been crying for mam again. It’s never ending.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Lucy,
Struggling to get out is such a hidden world, often going undiagnosed. It’s only because of my therapist that I understand my anxieties. Mam understood too and accepted me despite my limitations. She knew the courage it took to get out. She made my day seem worthwhile. Without her there’s just myself and a massive gaping hole. My garden was what drove me to get up in the morning since mam. She loved gardening and that is how I think of her but I’ve been crying a lot resting in the shade because it’s what I did with her at the old house. We gardened together until it was time for a scone and some home made jam. She is such a loving and giving person. My old aunties were the same. Came from a generation grounded in love and care giving. She loved her life and was very glam, making her own clothes when she was young. I always rebelled against the lovely things she made because they weren’t shop bought like the other kids. But I marvel now at the skills involved in the zipped boiler suit she created for me in the seventies (though it was very hot when I was dancing round the Maypole at a school party). She taught me the skills I use today in my work.
Can’t get out there today because the creep is lurking. So I’m stuck in my bedroom. Can’t stop crying for mam. I seem to get stuck and can’t move away from it. Keeping busy is key otherwise I’m swamped in wanting mam back and all the things I should have done differently. Time is such a strange creature now. I can’t remember being 2 months in. I keep reacting like she’s just left again. I want her to just still be on holiday up north and that’s why I haven’t spoken to her in a while. I’m so sorry you’re struggling but it’s the price we pay for loving them. I wish I had just a hint of how hard this would be to know how every day is precious before she left. I just can’t stop crying for her. I can’t just pretend to myself it’s not happening.
My treats aren’t even a distraction or comfort. I can totally understand why some people die of a broken heart. It is a real thing, to not be able to go on. I just want it all to stop so I can be with her. Sorry I’m not much help. I often amaze myself with my encouragement to keep others going. It doesn’t work on myself.
Lots of love xxx
I have struggled with my mental health for a long time and it was only really my mum who understood so it’s hard not having that support and understanding isn’t it.
It’s so hard doing things you used to do together, I had to take my dog to the vets this morning for a check up and me and mum always went together, used to stop off for a drink on the way back so it was tough going alone today. It’s weird to think when we went back in April I didn’t know that would be the last time. It’s good that you can still get out in the garden to keep you busy, it really does pay off as it’s beautiful! I’m so sorry you can’t get out there today, I just can’t believe nobody does anything about the creep.
I wish I could make my own clothes, there’s such a skill to it so your mum must of had a real talent for it.
I’m shocked I haven’t died of a broken heart, I can’t believe most days that I’m still here. I completely understand how you feel when you say you just want to be with her, that’s exactly how I feel too.
I hope your day gets a little easier, and you really are a big support to us here.
@LucyF90 just read were you wrote that your shocked you havnt died of a broken heart
Just really resonated with me, I’m surprised I havnt. I love mam so deeply, mam would always say to me when I got to hers in a morning " hi, are you alright" I always answered " if your alright Mam, then I’m alright " it was so true, if she’d had a bad day, when I got home at teatime my family always new something was wrong… and if she was really good, God I’d be on cloud 9
I’m that sick of watching telly I’ve been painting anything I can find in my garden lol.
I’ve enjoyed it actually as I get so engrossed it stops me thinking
I love your pottery painting Jane, you are very talented. There are some very artistic people on this thread, and I’m not one of them , apart from loving my garden. Even that looks sad in this heat.
Beautiful words in the verse you posted.
Debbie X
So it was mums funeral yesterday and it went beautifully. Mum would have loved the horse’s but hated being the centre.of attention. Everyone said we did her proud but mum deserves no less.i think its now isreally hitting me…i miss mum so so much. x
I’m sure you did your mum very proud yesterday. It’s always hard after the funeral as you’re building yourself up to it and then it’s over and it’s like now what? And I suppose it’s the finality of it all too. But then the denial is still there and it’s such a mixed up time. It’s a complete head fuck pardon my French. But that’s the only way I can describe it. We just have to go with this awful journey as best as we can. We are here for you.
Hi Michelle
Glad you got through the funeral. In some ways for me the actual day wasn’t the worst part but the build-up to it. I had a panic attack the night before but I felt Dads presence and he got me through it.
I am sure your Mum would be very proud of her funeral and so proud of you. You have got over a big step . I can’t tell you that it will get easier all of a sudden as we are all different but if you take it one day at a time and try and prepare for the anniversaries ahead and that is all you can do.
Sending all my love and best wishes
Neil x
@MichelleY Good morning all,
Glad you got through the funeral, I dreaded my mams coming, it’s traumatic ain’t it.
We didn’t sing songs but had songs played, Andrea bocelli my Mams favourite, she always said how handsome he was. My son and daughter have bought me concert tickets to see him next month, that will be a bitter sweet day
Sounds like you really did your Mam proud, give yourself comfort in that big hugs sent to you.
@nicnic
Yes do it I’ve really enjoyed it, really keeps your mind busy as concentrating so much. I’m going to look in the charity shop for old garden pots aswell
Hi Michelle,
Well done for going and I’m really pleased everything went well. Sounds like something from a film with the horses! A real celebration. You’ve done your mam proud. It will still feel very surreal for a while. Sleep and rest when you can. The full force of the occasion has probably not hit you yet. But it will. The preparations keep you busy but all you have now is time stretched out before you. There’s a sense of feeling lost for me, like I don’t belong anymore without her. That has never left me. Whatever you are feeling or not (being numb and thinking you should be feeling something is all part of the course) is natural. Don’t be rushed and put on a brave face for people because of whatever they are feeling. All that matters is you. You’ll never be the same person again. I wish I could give you some hope on how it will get better in time. For me it hasn’t. For some, time softens the intensity.
I found creating the shrine helped me focus on doing something for mam. It helped while I was doing it and is comforting sitting in the candlelight thinking of her. I also created the tribute site (much loved) which is free. You can create an online memory celebrating your mam with pics, writing thoughts and memories, adding the words of songs and hymns played at the services. I did it for people who couldn’t attend so they had the content on screen. Everyone can add but you monitor what is actually added. Whatever you do to help you is worthwhile. Planting up my garden helped me because I feel close to mam when I’m out there. It’s how she spent her time.
Take the time to let everything settle. Your mam may not be here physically but she is with you always. I find that bit the hardest, to accept she isn’t here and will never return. Time is a very strange creature. Some times she will feel far away and others she’s right there chatting to you in your head. It’s a long and tortuous journey but we are all here surviving it together. We’re here for you when you need us. I have found the support helpful and the friendship invaluable in getting me through the struggle. Keep popping in. It helps to just read what everyone is up to and seeing the pics if you can’t post. You will always be in our thoughts.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Jane,
I thought it was. I barely have a strand of grass left now it’s so scorched. Got round the garden with the hose but the creep got back early before I could get in the house. He’s fiddling about at the front. Sure that’s because my bedroom window is open. I can’t close it. The room is like a furnace already. I cannot bear breathing the same air as him and to hear him chatting away like a normal person after what he’s done to me and got away with it makes my skin crawl and blood boil. So I have to stay here and just not react. If I do sit out the back he’ll no doubt follow me round there but because the fence is up I won’t be able to see him.
Still exhausted with this covid. The cough isn’t as bad. Wonder how long before I test to see if its gone.
It’s 34 here but feels a lot hotter. Don’t know how professional gardeners work in this heat. Off for another lolly. Feeling more upbeat today.
Lots of love xxx
