Hi Neil,
I’ve been looking online for adding mams name and it seems the memorial is for covid loved ones. Nothing on the online church site for adding mams name either. And the St Paul’s is for attendance. I really wanted to do it for her. Might still go Wed evening anyway.
Hope to get more potted plants from my sister’s garden but my niece is not replying. Don’t know what is going on but she is definitely avoiding me. There’s so much stuff to be got rid of you would think my sister would appreciate me taking anything and I’ve said whatever they want to take back when they settle they can. She’s just not doing anything at all. I don’t understand it. Will have to just turn up and hope she answers the door to me. I can’t leave mam and dads things to be abandoned by her. There’s beautiful statue I will put by the pond. It was in the old garden pond. Will create mams fairy dell around it instead of being up in the top corner where I can’t see it. This is all so very upsetting and nobody else seems to be the least bit affected. It’s bizarre.
Will catch up later.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Debbie,
Just a quick one to see how you are being back at work. You’ll have seen I went to church. Still can’t quite believe it. Will go again. Do you know if the memorial on Wed 2nd is just for covid loved ones? There’s nothing on the online site for the church about adding mams name. I hope to still go. Have a swim booked after therapy tomorrow so seem to have recovered my oomph and am getting back into a routine.
I was just saying to Neil how difficult it is trying to get my niece to be at the house to let me in to rescue things from the garden. Have to do iit on bright days like today because it’s going to be chucking it down tomorrow. If she doesn’t want me to bother her I’ll leave her alone after I’ve got everything.
Ordered a few more gravel bags to finish my path so I can tick that off the list. I have a new major project of removing the decking boards running between the house and patio so I can rehome all the potted plants and wait until Spring to see what comes up. Will look lovely.
Catch up later.
Lots of love xxx
Great to hear you made the church @christine51and found it a comfort. Small steps
Yesterday I went to one of the craft club ladies houses. She fed us and then we started the monumental task of putting crochet poppies onto 10ft of netting. 5 of us but with aide of 3 bottles of prosecco. It got very giggly and thankfully the poppies needed to go on randomly 
Need to do some more tomorrow and we hope to put it up on Wednesday - think we should definitely be off the wine for that!
Finding today very hard. Halloween was always a big deal for me and Mum. Last year with it being on a Sunday we made an extra big deal of it. Sort of torn between putting the pumpkin out tonight and expecting trick or treaters or just eating the stuff myself! Being a Monday I don’t think it will be as busy as last year and it is nice seeing the little ones dressed up and having fun. Will do some work and se how i feel later.
Beki x
Hi Christine
Thinking of you and the situation with your sister . As for Wednesday different faiths do different things for All Souls’ Day. St Paul’s have the service but you can visit there any time and light a candle for loved ones. Some churches read the names of loved ones who died in the last year some names from over a year ago. This has always been done regardless of Covid. Cant remember if I mentioned it but had my Covid jab then flu jab a week later ( last Fri). No reaction or soreness whatsoever ( sometimes I do with the flu one).
Hope you do get to church on Wed but even if you don’t that’s OK too as you do what you feel is right. O probably have a few people I know that scoff behind my back that I attend services sometimes but I dont care as it is a comfort to me.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Debbie,
Got my postcard today and instantly thought of mam on hols. She always posted one, even from up north. Thank you so very much Debbie. I was thrilled and still have a smile on my face! I think postcards are such a lovely thing. They always arrive after you’ve got back too. Can just picture myself in that green cossie. I’ll pop it on the mantlepiece in the shrine.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!
I had a pumpkin in with my shop last week and wanted to give it to my nephew but didn’t see him so I thought I might as well do it rather than not. I enjoyed doing it, remembering mam carving out one for each of us when we were little, playing dooky apples and dressing up for trick or treating round the doors. Always had a stash of goodies to feast on. It’s strange because I’m not being upset thinking of her. I feel close to her, as if she is with me. I wish I’d got a collection of little gourds for her. Maybe’s I’ll pop into Sainsbury’s tomorrow and see if there are any in her honour. So here’s my cheeky face (not very scary but it will do)
and I kept all the seeds to try growing them next year.
Not much inside. It must have disintegrated over the week
I’ll add it to the compost bin. Such a shame it’s chucking it down. He was outside on the step but I had to pop him in the kitchen.
Had another trip over to the house today and saw my other nephew which was wonderful because I haven’t seen him since the funeral. He’s such a lovely boy / man. He’ll always be my special little boy.
Got one car load of bits done so generally just the potted plants now. When I got back I had a good tidy up, getting things into the garden where they need to be and I’ll position them over time as still lots to do. But I’ve cleared the area for mam’s xmas tree like last year. Her fairy is still good and has waited all year for her.
Such a shame I ran out of light to take pics. It gets dark so quickly now. This is the first year I did my clocks on the right day. Mam always reminded me what time it was until I got round to it. Will try to get some pics in the morn before therapy but think it’s going to be lashing down. Did hope to get a car load on the way back from therapy with a swim after. Will just have to work around the rain. Feel less anxious after the work I’ve done, knowing what is left. It means the bulk of the garden will be sorted and just the rubbish to do but there’s a huge amount and I don’t know how she’s going to manage it. A skip will be too small. I’m such an organised person but have to let this one go as it’s not my call.
Looking forward to getting in a lovely bath after all the hard work.
Happy Halloween xxxx
Hi Beki,
Happy Halloween my love. I was just saying to Debbie I wasn’t upset thinking of mam when I was carving out my pumpkin. Grief is such a strange one. I never know whether I’m coming or going. But I enjoyed thinking of her and will try to get some little gourds tomorrow because that was her special thing at Halloween. We always laughed at them and then we got one each to take home. Always the most random odd ones she could find. It was like her very own Halloween tradition. I think if I hadn’t done it I would have regretted it and been upset. Why not pop yours out for a bit, just for the little ones and see what occurs. Then you can demolish the rest yourself. I wish I’d been prepared. Have nothing in. But then I really don’t want to be attracting the riffraff to my door. It’s pouring down here. Such a shame for the children.
Just found some very old Halloween pics from when the children were little
My garden has changed so much. My mam and dad was over and my sis with the kids and we had a feast outside because it was so lovely and warm. The kids went off treating afterwards. Fun times. It’s so odd that I have no tears but just joy at remembering. Sure it will hit me later.
How are you attaching the poppies in the net? Glad it was fun! Yes, don’t be getting up any ladders when the wine is flowing. I can’t drink wine without getting absolutely bladdered as the saying goes. So glad I don’t drink now. Don’t think I could cope with a hangover. But you crack on and enjoy it! I’m so pleased you are getting out and doing what you love with a group of very nice peeps. It’s what we all need. I felt so much better for seeing my nephew for a short time while I was popping in and out with my trolley. Had a catch up and I now have his number so I can text and he’ll let me know when he’s next off work. Being so isolated makes my grief really intense. I’m looking forward to being out and about more again, swimming and in the garden. My energy has returned so I’ll be making the most of it.
Wondering if you’ve had any tricksters yet? Very quiet here.
Thinking of you with love xxx
Hi Neil,
My mam would be so taken aback that I went to church and then doing it alone too. She’d have been gob smacked but really impressed I think! I don’t care what people think of me and what I do. I used to but now I just do whatever feels right. And like you said, if it brings comfort or joy then it’s worthwhile. I will go again Wed and see what happens. Wonder if more peeps turn up as it was so sparse. I was surprised. But then I’d only ever gone at xmas for the childrens plays and carols, and lighting a candle for my cats and having a good cry (embarrassing everyone, as usual!) on the Edwardian Night in teh run up to xmas over at theirs. That will be really hard, all the lovely things we did, including fireworks where mam started taking her chair because it was hard to stand for that long. It was such fun with the children and their lights and all the yummy things while we waited for the fireworks to start. Now I’m getting upset.
Well done you for getting your jabs. I was offered it but felt so rough at the time I didn’t bother. I will get my flu jab before xmas at the chemist. There are so many variants on the covid I’m not sure getting the booster will have much effect. But I’ll start wearing my mask from now on. Not while I’m swimming! Don’t want to draw that much attention to myself!
You mention about people scoffing others. I think they haven’t felt the heartache we have, the depths to which we plummet. If tehy had they would be more gracious. I never thought I’d go to church as an adult. It wasn’t my thing. But sitting with my eyes closed while the choirboys sang I was transported to being close to mam for a short while. So upsetting because church choir reminds me of mam at xmas. She loved listening to the carols on tv while she was in the kitchen and I’d be faffing about doing the table because I’m not much good doing anything in the kitchen apart from popping things in bowls and carrying them through. It’s like mam has always been mam and I’ve always stayed being a little girl in certain areas of my life. I loved getting all dressed up in a sparkly necklace in my big dress, like I’m going to the theatre! It became a xmas thing and mam would always be wearing her new xmas jumper. She was so smart. I’m in floods of tears now and I’d been doing so well. Knew it would catch up with me tonight.
Going to check on my pumpkin. See if he’s still alight. Are you getting any trick ir treaters round yours? None here. Nobody has knocked anyway.
When are you watching your neighbours’ cat? You’ll have to post a pic if they let you. My sister’s dogs are lovely but so bloody noisy. They never stop yapping for attention. Cats are so easy to love and care for, although every time I go in teh kitchen now Porsch follows for chicken. She’s on steroids for her paw and is ravenous all the time. She’ll end up like a house end if she’s not careful! She was screaming to get me out of bed this morning at 8.30. I have to boil the kettle to heat the cold chicken up for her and then hide her tablet in a bit. Amazed it’s working. But she hates her paw being washed with the antibac. Such a drama queen!
Off for a nice hot soak after the scruffy day I’ve had.
Enjoy the rest of the night. Will see if there’s any good horrors on later.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine
No trick or treaters round here. Well done you for deciding to go to church Wed. I will be thinking of you.
I’m looking after the cat Wed evening and Thur morning. I did look after her for a couple of weeks once . Lovely cat and she always recognises me when I see her
Here’s a pic of my neighbour’s cat Poppy who I look after from time to time x
She’s beautiful. Reminds me of my Grandma’s cat ‘Scruff’ when I was little. He was a rescue from the streets of Shields and was vicious !!! Even Grandma was scared of him. Just wanted to be stroked and loved and wouldn’t let you stop. We would all play cards on the old leather poof infront of the fire. Grandma would save up all her pennies (when you could still buy something for a penny) and that’s how I learned to play. Still love cards but I’m no gambler. Just play against the computer.
See you later. Watching an underwater horror with some creature. Sounds rubbish but you never know.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine,
I glad you got to church on Sunday and felt some peace during the service.
Our local churches haven’t got a service on All Soul’s Day, one has an online service only. I hope you get to go on Wednesday, sitting a church building is always so peaceful and calming.
Glad you liked the postcard, the family are all coming round next week for a chinese take away, and we are going to decide where to go to next year. Looks like south coast, Bournemouth or Weymouth areas.
I brought a robin on a fork from lavender farm, it’s an early Christmas present for Doug.
Also heard from the council today, just confirming the plaque for Doug’s bench was correct, they are now starting to make it, so it won’t be long before it’s put in the park.
I like all your photos, and glad you have been able to get the things you wanted to rescue from your sisters garden.
You said you niece has a boyfriend, that probably why she is not responding so much. Young people in love can’t think of anything else, it’s love.
I’m going for my covid/flu jab on Wednesday, never had a reaction before so hoping this time will be okay.
Yes, I’m back at work, always like you have never been away, so busy. It’s only six weeks to the next holiday, not that I’m counting.
It’s been quiet here tonight, because this area is all older people we don’t get trick or treaters, plus it’s pouring down with rain. When I was little my dad used to give us a marrow to carve, not the same as a pumpkin.
Sending love
Debbie x
She is lovely Neil, she looks like our last cat toffee.
Hi Christine,
Can’t begin to say how proud I am of you for going to church on your own. That is one huge amazing step forward 
x don’t put any extra pressure on yourself about going to the Wed service…see how you feel on the day and take it from there.
How is your sister finding all these opportunities to move house…it seems one falls through and she then has an alternative? Maybe it’s just all bluff and she’s not going anywhere 
x
I agree with Debbie in that when the young ones are ‘in love’ all they can think of it them, being with them, talking to them…my nieces are exactly the same as canna get them to focus on anything so don’t take it personally as she will return to you soon x
Had a nice day today and there were a lot of tears I’m not going to lie but feel a lot lighter and even bought my first Xmas present today. Won’t be putting up decorations again this year but will try make an effort in other ways.
Love all your photos again and love seeing them x
Have a good few days and look forward to hearing what you have been up to 
x
Hi Neil,
Love the neighbours cat…gorgeous face.
Just to say thinking of you for your visit to St Paul’s and although it will be hard it will also be quite enlightening I hope for you (even though I know you’re not religious) x
Just booked to London next June and the same hotel I was at this year at roughly the same time has literally doubled!! But it was still a lot cheaper than anywhere else so just booked it.
Have a great day and looking forward to hearing how you get on x
Much love 
x
Hi Debbie,
I’m intrigued by the marrow in place of a pumpkin. That’s a proper northern thing, growing marrows in allotments and entering competitions to see who’s is the biggest. Mam used to do a stuffed marrow thing and I refused to even try it. Wish I had now. It’s stopped raining here but such a shame for the kids. Nobody knocked. Not that I had anything in.
Your garden is so pretty and very colourful. And I love your fork robin. Looks great in the border, as if it’s just been used and you’re coming straight back to do a bit more after a cuppa. Doug will be very impressed with his gift. Reminds me of all the artwork at the lovely garden centre we used to go to. All sorts of metal animals. Such a fab artist. Your fuschias remind me of mam’s old garden with the hanging baskets, like ballerina tutu’s.
That’s good news about Doug’s bench. Looking forward to the pics. You’ll have a place to go and sit with him. I hope you feel close to him there. I wish I could do something like that for mam but we didn’t have a special place like your park. And because of the situation with the family it would only be me who would go. I can imagine all I would do is sit and cry.
I feel so much more relaxed and in control again now that I have a lot of mam and dads things. Will keep getting pots in batches. It’s such hard work lugging it through the house from the back garden, loading it in the car, driving over to me and then getting it into mine. Luckily I have the back gate at the side of the house. I realised that when I have a new project I’m invigorated and don’t stop until it’s sorted. There’s a great sense of achievement in organising the spaces within the garden. It will be transformed. Will try to take pics tomorrow.
You’re right about my niece being distracted. She didn’t even tell me it was her boyfriend. But he’s a good friend of my nephew so he’s not a bad influence at all like I thought he must be. He’s a nice lad and she’s very wilful! She doesn’t act like I did when I was smitten. Happy for her though. There’s nothing more exhilarating than being young and in love.
Good luck with your jab. I will get the flu jab but didn’t bother with the covid booster. Felt too rough when it was offered. My chemist is lovely and knows how panicky I am so he is super quick at jabbing me. No nonesense, just how I like it. I was reading up on my agoraphobia and the overwhelming feelings of being trapped and having to escape kept coming up. Sums it up. I know it’s illogical but knowing that doesn’t break down the fear. If you were to imagine an end of the world zombie apocalypse and then apply that fear to the everyday (popping to the shop for milk) it describes the determination and courage it takes to open the door, trying to maintain a balance between inside and outside. But with the creep, my home isn’t even a safe place. It’s a very fragile balancing act. I was always so bored going out to work, the repetition of each day. How I envy it now. Weekends and holidays only exist when you work. I remember that feeling of having never been gone getting back after holiday. Your six weeks will fly by. Can’t believe it’s November.
Still amused and laughing at the marrow. Not sure why. Mam grew little gerkins in with her runner beans and peas. I don’t think I ever tasted them. It’s funny how insignificant things then take on such meaning now. Remembering the details are important because that’s who she is now. I can see mam chatting away to me and I’m listening but I can’t make out the conversation. It’s nice just watching us together, like in a film. It’s been a very odd Halloween for me. Very relaxed and dare I say ‘happy’ remembering mam.
I have therapy tomorrow and then a swim and if it’s not raining I’ll see if my niece is home to lug some more bits over.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Suzanne,
Still can’t believe I went to church, having been wanting to since mam left. Seized the chance to go and went. The anticipation is the driving force behind the anxiety so anything spur of the moment is the trick. I always enjoy hearing the church bells on a Sunday morning when I’m in the kitchen. I can now be there. Just don’t want anyone chatting to me! I know that sounds awful but I don’t want to panic, run away and then not be able to return. If I can hide at the back behind a beautifully carved pillar then that’s what I’ll do. Actually looking forward to going on Wed evening for the memorial service. Also, I think it helps that it’s so dark out and I can’t be seen. Like an invisible cloak. I used to be such an outgoing and fun loving person. That’s why it does my head having agoraphobia.
This moving situation has had me in a massive panic but I seem to have some perspective on it now that I’m involved. It felt like that was it and I would never see them again. But because it didn’t happen I’m beginning to think it might never happen. I’ve given up trying to make sense of it. Nothing my sister does is straight forward.
I’m hoping my niece will get back to me and join me in a swim tomorrow but if she doesn’t then that’s ok. I’ll just have to let her make her own choices instead of pushing her in the right direction (the direction I want her to go in). I really don’t think I could be bothered with being in love again. All that energy, being fixated on one person. I would be so exhausted I’d have no energy left for the fun bit!
You are doing well getting a xmas pressie in. I used to start over the summer finding little treasures at car booties as an extra surprise. I used to love finding the perfect gift for everyone. I’d still do the commercial things (books, perfume, jumpers etc) but it was the little things that were loved the most. I’m looking forward to getting mams xmas tree for the garden again. I’ve cleared the space ready and have a big tub. Might go out xmas eve and rescue any abandoned trees. There were lots just left behind last year at the park. I always feel sorry for the ones that weren’t sold. What is wrong with me?!
I’m glad you enjoyed your day, even if it was a bit upsetting. I’m still waiting for the tears to catch me up because I didn’t get upset like I thought I would. I think it’s because Halloween was always overshadowed by Bonfire night. That will be a hard one because I am picturing mam with her chair waiting for the fireworks to start. She’d make pasties for when we arrived to pick her up. Dad didn’t really bother. He did years ago. Still haven’t heard from him.
I was thrilled to get a postcard from Debbie. Made me laugh and think of mam. Popped it in the shrine.
Had Porscha screaming for her chicken at 8.30 this morning. I’m not sleeping again, think it’s the stress of my sister moving (and then not). Hope the rain stays off long enough for me to get some pics of the garden in the morning. It is being transformed again. My excitement has returned.
Lots of love xxx
Just noticed I am a very frequent poster. Such a gobby girl!
You keep posting Christine, we love hearing from you. X X
Hi Neil,
Thinking of you today. I know it will be hard but you should be very proud of yourself for doing this. Your mam and dad will be chuffed being included in such a beautiful setting. I hope you feel close to them. I feel close to mam hearing the church bells and the choir singing. We always watched Songs of Praise on a Sunday. If I close my eyes I’m transported to a landscape of joy and sorrow, being uplifted with the ebb and flow of the rhythm. It was lovely seeing the little ones in the choir wearing their robes.
Looking forward to hearing about your day. Will you visit anywhere else while you’re in London? Take a brolly!
Lots of love xxx
Hi all,
Just posted loads of pics updates and thought I was here but wasn’t so here’s the link
I thought Sassy had joined our group and I was here. Sometimes I just don’t know what’s going on! Just about to leave for therapy and OMG ! the hailstones, thunder and gale force winds. So pleased I got in the garden this morning and took my pics. Will post more when I get back.
Lots of love xxx