Hiya Tina, I’m surprised that my brain is starting to function again after being closed down for so long. I think talking about the garden and magazines has helped in a therapeutic way. I always enjoyed planning the seasonal wall planters and helping mam to plant them. Mam’s were always so much better than mine! She had ‘green fingers’. Your image of looking at the garden mags while your hubby lounges in the sun conjures up summer in my garden, pottering with Porscha and having my friend’s cats (from a couple of doors down) sunning themselves on the pergola. It will be nice getting back out there. I couldn’t imagine grieving with all the windows open and the neighbours out in the street. At least I’ve had some privacy and by spring I’ll be able to think about summer baskets, probably pansies. Did you look for your rose? I still haven’t done it because I’d need to but a pot as well and compost. It feels like a huge task.
Your houseplant sounds amazing. Keep doing whatever your mam did and the internet is fab for tips on watering and feeding. I have artificial plants because I’ve tried and they always die. I have very little natural light indoors because I have to keep the blinds closed because of my nosy neighbours. My sister is so lucky with her views overlooking farmers fields. But then she doesn’t live in London.
I woke up early today feeling very upset about mam. I always do but it was worse today than other days this week. I know it will be like that but it’s just so sad that she’s not here. I wish I could talk to her. I hope she’s happy wherever she is. I thought I couldn’t cry anymore. That desperate need to have her back is here again and I thought I’d accepted she’s not coming back. I’m seeing my therapist today and he always helps me to understand and see a way forward.
Are you visiting your mam again? Be thinking of you x
Hi Christine.
Hope you’ve had a settled night. I was flower mad at one point! I ordered about 120 geraniums from a mail order firm once and all kinds - geraniums are a lot of colour for little maintenance aren’t they. I used to love making a huge display as we are on a main road at the front. I loved cordylines too and have managed to salvage 1 of them somehow from last year’s frosts. After losing so many plants though and not having time to make the front nice I decided to design some reflective sun catcher garden hanging pieces instead of plants. They caught the sun and shone a million different colours when the sun bounced off them. I made them for Mum so she’d be able to see something from the window. I went to the Churchyard yesterday, can’t remember if I mentioned it as I don’t know what I’m doing lately. Might try and go again as soon as the chance comes up. Not been too good emotionally though last few days, keep getting flashes of things she’ll not get to do in the future and don’t know how I’ll cope. That’s why I’ve not said much recently as I don’t want to put a dampener on your progress. I’ve got a Sister and a Brother and my Sister only text after I did and my Brother has been away all day and said only a few words before going out again and they were only to shout at me over something. I think he wants me to leave now, can’t complain. It’s a complicated situation as it’s a family home council house and he and Mum bought it and I came to stay when I lost my Husband and then Mum got Ill so I was here for longer. So you see I suppose I’m the imposter. He has a good female friend and my Sister has her partner so they have another to interact with. I only had Mum so I don’t really converse with anyone.
We’ll that’s enough of me whining!
Have a peaceful new week x
Hi Tina, I’d forgotten about geraniums. I love the red against the brickwork. Mam loved all the colours. It’s lovely in the summer driving around seeing all the lovely baskets at the houses and pubs with their gardens lining the roads. Love the images of your sun catches for your mam. Just lovely! Might do something for mam in the garden, hanging from the tree over the pond with fairies, naughty gnomes (for a joke I painted two large stone gnomes I got from a carbooty using nail polish in garish colours) and my plastic pink flamingos I got off my sisters children. I’ll not add her ashes there but will make it a magical corner which mam would have loved. She had a fairy dell in her garden so I think I’ll carry that on for her in mine.
I know it might look like I’m doing well, having created the shrine and I’m not crying all day, every day now but I’m really not. I sit at home completely alone and don’t talk to anyone after being told I needed medication because of the state I was in, like I’m not allowed to grieve for mam. I just don’t fit into that stiff upper lip of containing myself. Everyday I wake up and know instantly now mam is not here and still can’t accept it even though I know it’s true. I would still trade places with her because I value my life so little in comparison to what mam left behind. Even after my therapy I still just feel empty and disassociated from whatever I am doing. It’s just filling in time. Both my sisters have children and busy lives. They do not know what it is to be alone so I completely understand your position. Have you thought about asking your brother whether he wants you to leave, confronting him head on? Sometimes it’s better to do that than to wonder what the situation is. It must be heart wrenching to have cared for your mam and now she is gone you are just left there wondering whether you are wanted. I think things happen in life for a reason, often beyond our control, and it changes our path in life. If you do have the option of going back to your own place you shared with your husband maybe think it through in your head and weigh up the options before you say anything. It’s a huge step even considering it. Maybe you could have a lap over transitional time where you could adjust between the two places, maybe redecorate one room to welcome you back and set up an area like I have to remember your mam. It’s good that you went back to the graveyard again because I know it’s hard to get used to mam being there.
There’s nothing harder in life to to face it alone. It takes enormous courage and strength. I walked out on my old life, left everyone I knew and cut all contact. I had to. I moved to start again but as soon as I moved in here I found a lump and had to have a double mastectomy. I lost all my hair and doubled in size because of the steroids with the treatment (which was horrific). Mam stayed with me and looked after me. I was so ill I couldn’t walk and would crawl to the bathroom. It’s amazing what we can endure when we feel we have no other option. You might not feel very strong but imagine not having any options. Freedom comes in a variety of packages. Just think about things. Maybe it will help you to be pro active, though I cannot imagine being able to do that myself, but then I have all the time in the world to grieve for mam at home alone with no one to judge me if I don’t answer the phone.
Also, bear in mind that your brother and sister will be dealing with their own grief. It seems some people lash out, like my sisters did to me. Sometimes it’s not about us and just that they aren’t coping and anger is far easier than being sad.
When will you hear back from the counselling? That should be good for you to work through your emotions. It won’t take the pain of losing your mam away but you will be given an objective point of view. My therapist sees things clearly and it makes sense, whether I like it or not. I’ve been able to move through some of the grieving process to arrive at where I am. I’m still only getting about 4 hours sleep a night and rarely open my curtains. It’s like I’ve reached a new stepping stone across the river.
Keep posting and remember I will always check in throughout the day. I still can’t believe mam isn’t here even though I know she is gone and I will never see her again or speak to her. She hasn’t visited me again and nobody has even been on her tribute site. The days are long. Sometimes I forget I’m sitting in the bath and the water goes cold. It has been over 8 weeks now and I don’t know how I’ve got to where I am. But I have. We have no choice other than to keep feeling whatever it is at that moment in time. If anyone’s whining on it’s me! I seem to post huge essays compared to most. It’s good to keep getting the emotions out. It’s like I am trying to make sense of the awful thing that has happened. I’ll never reach happiness but I can reach a point where I can start being me again, hopefully (though that really does feel like a betrayal, like I mustn’t feel enough love for her or sadness to be able to get over it, but then she did with her mam and dad did with his). We preserve ourselves, like my panic with the fight or flight response. All I feel now is loss and pain. I would do anything to change it.
Take care and keep posting. Sending you love xxx
Hello Christine
Thanks for your heartfelt reply. I am always interested in your views and reading about all the attention to detail you put into your projects is quite uplifting and inspirational.
It sounds as if you had the most horrific time throughout your illness and the trauma of having surgery. I can only imagine how difficult things must have been at that time.
I haven’t even got up yet. Goodnes knows what Mum would say. I got up at 6am with the dog and to get my brother up for work then went to sleep. As soon as the puppy is awake I’m normally freezing as it wants to play out. I say puppy but it’s a 6month 22kg German Shepherd cross Husky and if it stands on its back legs it’s taller than me so I have to do what “it” wants rather than the other way around.
I’m wondering if the fact that I had no children is making grieving harder. I am the eldest of 3 and yet feel I was the child who was always the “child” if that makes sense. It was a privilege to be as old as I am (56) and still have a mum when my peers have lost theirs earlier in life. I think of how my Husband coped, he was very close to his Mum and I didn’t know him then but he was happy and contented despite that massive event in his life. I also think of my Mum and how her Mum passed away before I was born yet Mum managed a further 50 odd years somehow.
I emailed the Samaritans this morning, replies take 24 hours. I’m not very keen on talking in case I lose composure. I haven’t heard back from Sue Ryder counselling yet, she said she’ll ring today.
It’s not the loss by itself alone, it’s all the other things like should have and could haves and if onlys that are preventing me from finding a bit of peace. I’m sure other people have been their too on that score.
Thanks for your advice and chat and I’m hoping you have a calm day. X
Hi Tina, I’ve actually had a good day, though I didn’t wake back up until about 2 in the afternoon. I had planned to clean the fishtank today (if I set a goal in my diary I like to try to achieve it) and it takes 2 hours (empty the water, put fresh in with the hose from the garden through the window, keep emptying until the water is clear of debris). It’s a bit of a workout! but so worthwhile after it’s done. Adds to the ambience of the sitting room where my shrine is and I sit next to it watching tv with my massive goldfish (Hilda) and eel (Elsie) staring at me. It really freaked me out at first, being watched, but it’s nice that we all sit together.
I think not having children allows us to explore different avenues in life. We don’t have the pressures of having the school run and making meals etc. I just never felt the need. I’m happy as I am, despite the trauma’s of cancer (twice) with treatments and surgery, the stalking, becoming housebound with panic attacks and having to live among people who are so obsessed with what I’m doing that I have to keep my blinds closed most of the time, though I did open the windows today while I was busy just to get some fresh air and light into the room and I felt better for it.
It’s like I’ve turned a corner. I got my fabrics and cut templates for my textile memory tags project and made a start cutting out. It felt good to be concentrating on work again. I’ll write a blog as I go and take photographs, a ‘how to do’ project to ease me back into things.
I felt so sad when I woke up early this morning with the binmen that I had a cuppa, fed Porsch and went back to sleep. I feel good now that I’ve had a full day. I thought I’d feel guilty getting back into my textiles but I thought of mam while I was doing it. She would love the fabrics I’m using (Indian and English mix of colour and intense pattern). So it doesn’t take me away from her. She’s with me, which is inspiring to keep going.
I can’t imagine waking up at 6 am but mam always did and would take a cuppa back to bed. My sister had a german shepherd and a husky (separately) so I know what a handful that is, especially in the puppy phase. The husky would lean against me when she sensed I was leaving to try to stop me from going. So loving, both of them. I know Porscha will leave me in the near future because of her age and I like the idea of a dog (rescue) so I have a reason to have to get out the house but I know how lazy I am and cats are so much easier. Open the door for the garden for a toilet and they’re done. I’m just realistic.
I do think not having children and therefore less responsibility does make us feel more for our mams. Both sisters have been distracted by their life whereas I have been in a desperate state of grief, really intense. I would rather go through it now and feel destroyed by it than to drag it out and not grieve until months later. I do feel like I’m over the most traumatic part of it, the pleading to have her back and guilt that I wasn’t perfect and wanting to have made her life perfectly happy all of the time. I feel so very sad now knowing she is gone and it’s making me upset writing this. I know I can’t change it. I wish I could. And I would still swap places with her if I could trade my soul with the devil like in a horror film. My life is empty. None of the stuff that used to be important to me means anything because I have no life, feel no connection to people and do not get on with my family that well. My therapist is my best friend. How sad is that. I never wanted to grow up and be an adult and have a conventional life and I think that is why nobody apart from mam understands who I am. Mam accepted me for being me without trying to change me. Not many people experience unconditional love like that. So being the child is wonderful. I think we are lucky to be that to our mams. I also realise that mam had a good and happy life, a full and long life in comparison to some. And we were all with her when she passed in her sleep, though it was horrific watching her gasp her last breaths (the body reacting to shutting down).
I wonder if this sadness I carry now will last forever. I cannot imagine it becoming anything else than it is now, a gaping hole which she filled. I never told her just how much I loved her because I don’t generally tell people that I love them (past relationships). I really only realise it now as strongly as I do because I can’t tell her. I talk to her everyday. Wish her a good morning and good night. It kills me that she isn’t here to talk to on the phone. Life is so cruel, to lull us into a false sense of security, that we have control of our lives, making decisions etc and then bang, she’s gone. And nothing. Horrendous. Words cannot even describe the devastation. It feels like I am an empty shell, the essence of myself has been removed with her passing. Sorry I’m not much comfort. I don’t think anyone on here can be. Understanding the different levels of trauma is as good as we can hope for with encouragement to get through the day as best we can. Recovery is so fragile. Whatever we can try is worth doing. My therapy helps. Counselling is worth trying too, wherever it comes from. I wonder what the difference is between the two. I have my therapy tomorrow. It’s the one day when I leave the house.
Tina you are allowed to ‘lose control’ in all manner of seeking help so don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. I certainly don’t. All that matters in this is you. Imagine if you are the friend asking yourself for advice. You wouldn’t advise yourself to not open up and explore everything you are feeling. It’s really freeing to chat beyond the scope of the everyday. People are trained in this. Nobody is special enough that they are unique and aren’t going through the range of emotions associated with this devastating thing that has happened. Our world has collapsed around us and we are left shell shocked. Until it happens we don’t a clue, have no coping strategy because we do not talk about any of this stuff in our culture. Death is celebrated in India and Mexico and other places because of the belief in an after life beyond what we know as life. I’m intrigued now as to what exactly it involves. Maybe that is why I have stopped crying, because I believe mam is on a journey beyond what we know. And mam will be waiting to greet me when it happens.
OMG I’m such a chatterbox. It really has helped me get through the emotional minefield over the last 2 months. I hope it’s helping you too. Always keep posting. It’s been another form of therapy for me.
Love xxx
Hello Christine
How did you go with the fish tank? Gold fish have got to be one of the most labour intensive pets ever, saying you don’t have to walk them! My Niece had a goldfish in a bowl that she won from a fairground for years and years but after it passed away her Mum bought a fancy light up bubbly aquarium thing and they were forever dying off so it got abandoned eventually and sold. Is Porsha not interested or intrigued with the fish?
Not had much of a productive day unfortunately myself, housework (a bit), being the puppy’s plaything and my Sister took me Asda. It seems odd going Asda when that was where I’d go when Mum was here. It was after tea though and thankfully fairly empty. I used to go in the day but I don’t feel I’d manage it so well at the minute. In the few months before losing Mum I’d have panic attacks once I’d left the store on the way home walking and that was pretty horrendous, as you probably know.
It’s only 10pm and I’m in bed with my tablet, an adult colouring book and some glitter pens. Not forgetting my hot water bottle (very glamorous, not).
I know you say you watch TV, is it the Soaps you watch. Mum lost all interest in the TV and I haven’t been able to watch it since. My Husband and I would watch a lot of TV that he taped and before he passed away we got almost to the end of The Bill series from when it started to it finishing. I was devastated we’d got that far and I had told him how many weeks there was left and he didn’t make it sadly, he’d have just said, well that’s life!
I don’t know why but tonight I decided to light two tealights in two lovely little holders at the side of a picture of my Mum and a picture of my Husband. They are flickering a lot though and it’s set me off thinking that they are flickering because they aren’t at peace. So now they are slightly upsetting me. Maybe I’ll end up in the madhouse one of these days.
The counselling person hasn’t got back to me so I don’t yet know if it’s all on at the moment, she’ll probably ring tomorrow.
Hope you’ve had a good day with some positivity.
Love x
Hi Tina, It’s 3.50 am and I’m still awake but saw your post and wanted to reply. Fish are indeed the most labour intensive pets I have ever had. Never get a fishtank. The work involved is such a chore. I inherited the goldfish and eel from my sisters children. They outgrew the tank so I had to buy a massive one. I’ve had them for years and can’t stop caring for them now. I think it’s because they are so well looked after that they’re still with me. I also have snails and plants in there. Two pumps and four bubble things. I have to empty the water into the bath and then clean it and fill it up with the hose and keep emptying the water. Lovely when it’s done but this is every week. It is said to be lucky having water in the home, but I haven’t had much luck!
I do like watching tv from about tea time with Judge Judy and then whatever dramas are on, gardening and decorating programmes. It’s so sad about your husband not seeing the end of the bill. I used to love watching that. Mam and dad always taped stuff and stopped watching ordinary tv. When mam passed I couldn’t put the tv on for weeks or have music on in the car which made me sister very angry. She’d blast her headphones so I could still hear it. I just had to sit in silence because I didn’t want real life taking over. I wanted to grieve in peace.
It’s good that you went to the supermarket. That is my worst nightmare for panic attacks, especially being trapped at the till. But it’s the whole experience, so much choice, the people, the queues. That’s why I shop online and have it delivered. That way I’m in control until I lose internet connection (sometimes) and then I panic because I can’t just walk into a shop. I will go without food rather than force myself to go shopping because I just cannot do it.
Your flickering candles aren’t because your mam and husband aren’t at peace. They do that naturally, the wick burning down. You’re overthinking it. Just imagine they are with you, sitting in the peaceful candlelight, soothed by the flickering. You miss them, like I miss my mam, but they aren’t unhappy. I was told by my therapist that he has been told by a few people he actually knows (clients and friends) that there is a feeling of absolute bliss, like nothing you can ever experience on this earth, so powerful that they were quite happy to leave loved ones behind, knowing they would be alright. People who have children experience a similar feeling. It is only because they were brought back that they were here to tell him what they experienced. Can you imagine how beautiful it must feel to be that content? I hope it is true. They are at peace, I’m sure. Why would they not be? I believe there must be something much better than what we know as life. I believe in a higher spiritual sense of being. The soul, the essence of who we are, cannot just dissolve with the body, which is essentially a vessel. So even though it is so very hard, imagine your mam and husband with you, all around you, sitting with you and watching over you so you are not alone. I seem to have reached a place where I can accept mam is gone, even though it is heartbreaking. I know I will see her again. She’ll be waiting for me. I have found some sort of peace since creating the shrine because I’ve created a space in which I can sit with her and it has helped me. Could you create a small area and see if it helps you?
I hope the councellor gets back to you soon. I find waiting is the hardest, no matter what it is for. But you’ve done the hardest bit in making the call. Fingers crossed it’s tomorrow, but if not then I’m sure it will be soon. They must be so in demand.
I’m going to try to get some sleep now. I was watching short horror films and they were really good. Love horror. Tonight was the first time I looked for something to watch since mam. I’ll be like a zombie tomorrow. It’s when I turn the light off and I’m in the dark that I think of mam and realise what has happened and it’s like I’m reliving it as if it’s just happened, but in slow motion, like a film I’ve already watched and know what’s happening but reacting to it like it’s new. I think that’s why I stay up so late because I’m avoiding just lieing there, waiting for sleep. I asked for more sleeping tablets again.
I’ll check in with you again tomorrow. Night hun. Much love xxx
Tina, I posted some pics of my garden in a reply to Paisley in TOTALLY ALONE. I’m not sure if different titles carry through to other titles. Bit confusing as to whether you will see other posts but I was replying and going through my garden pics and posted some. Very inspired now to get out there (doesn’t actually mean that I will) and really has uplifted my mood. I’m still in bed but will get up now and do dishes. Mam wouldn’t want me just doing nothing. Think I’ll have a look through my garden catalogues and plan some spring purchases.
Hope you are feeling ok today and that your phone call comes. Just remember this is a segment in time which is hard to get through but you will because time doesn’t stand still. My garden will grow and be lush again (it’s very bare out there now) and I will return to what I loved doing - my textiles and garden. We all do, even though as I’m writing this it feels like going through the motions without any emotional connection to it. Keep posting and I will let you know if I actually get out there, even if it is to just look with a cuppa. But only if my creepy neighbour isn’t at home. Take care. Sending you love xxx
Hi @Tina19
Hope you don’t mind me poking my nose in your conversation but I was intrigued by the comment you made about the flickering tea lights not being at peace.
I know this is not everyone’s faith and just my belief but I believe in every flame is a flame guide (mine is a salamander called Xanthe) and when I see I flickering flame I believe it is her and others being a little mischievous and trying to help give us a sign/peace.
Yes I probably am mad too lol but I just thought a different take on it may help you even if it’s to give you a laugh about my thoughts 
Take care,
Suzanne x
I love that. I’m always intrigued about what people think of the afterlife. It makes sense that they are getting up to mischief. x
Hiya Tina,
Didn’t get in the garden (have just got out of the bath) but had the door open while I caught up on dishes, cleared the fridge and washed everything, did a food shop for delivery tonight. I’ve put the fairy lights on around the patio for the first time since mam so I must be feeling better than before though it does feel like I am totally disconnected (depersonalisation, where I see myself doing but I’m not engaged in what I’m doing). Considering I was still awake at 5 this morning I’ve had a productive day, though I couldn’t tell you what day of the week it is without checking! Love the idea of your mam and husband getting up to mischief! I’ll be visiting the family at every opportunity to be naughty. I always used to rummage through mams cupboards with the children when they were little, looking for treats and it would wind mam up every time! She never hid anything and knew it would happen.
How is your day going? I’m always surprised on a good day, or one where I’m out of bed and doing something. Feel better after having a tidy up. If the house is a mess it makes me feel so much worse but I need the energy and presence of mind to tackle even making the bed.
Couldn’t go to my therapy the other day so I’m feeling a little lost off with my week but I’ll be going Friday instead. Have you heard anything about your counselling? I’ve been in therapy for years (agoraphobia and panic because of ptsd) so have no fear about being absolutely honest with myself. Everyone should do it, just to see who they are. It will help you if you engage.
Thinking of you xxx
Hi Christine
I meant to reply to one of your posts last night but have had problems getting onto the forum pages. I tried on my phone and tablet so not a clue what was going wrong!
I was hunting around for the thread with your garden pictures on and disappointed to say that I have not found them yet. I shall have another try in a moment.
I noticed it was windy earlier on so managed to get some washing on the line. Although, I don’t even think one item of clothing was mine. If you don’t go out you don’t use a lot of clothes! It’s sunny but cold and the dogs in and out the back door at the moment.
My Mum hated with a passion an untidy house. Although she hoarded she knew where everything was in an instant. Not like me. I’m so untidy that Mum didn’t need to see where I had been, she could sense it. I think it was a part of the debilitating OCD she had for over 40years. It was a terrible condition and I get so mad when people say they are a “little bit OCD”. They haven’t got a clue. With Mums it wasn’t cleaning nor germs it was if she did/didn’t do something someone would come to harm and some days if that meant not eating a certain food then so be it. I used to enable it because as a younger person you don’t know what “enabling” consists of. I believe OCD can be borne from anxiety, but I’m no expert. If it ever affected me I would be unlikely to be an excessive cleaner or checker as I’m too lazy and I often go to bed with the doors unlocked. I can’t even say our Dog would protect me as she would probably make friends with any burglars!.
Had an email from the counselling yesterday and they can’t go ahead with it. They had asked if I had had thoughts/ideas of suicide/harm and based on my answers they said I needed a GP appointment and a referral to mental health services before they could offer me counselling. I don’t have the emotional energy for all that entails so I will just manage.
I understand the disconnected from reality sensation. Its like being in a shock state of mind all the time. It’s just a bit sad here right now. It’s really cold and windy but the back door is in a sun spot and it’s really warm, the birds are singing, the dog is sat out and the kitchen floor is covered in sun. Mum would normally be sat in the doorway in her wheelchair watching everything. We were so lucky then, but it’s human nature to not appreciate all that at the time. I’ll stop there as I don’t want to be depressing.
Hope you have a good day Christine
xx
Hi Tina, I’ve found my pics and don’t understand why I can’t find them again. Don’t understand this site but I’ll post them again here after this. I was just out feeding the birds and trying to photograph them but they are very quick. I can hear them from inside the house. I also watered my memory tree. It’s amazing how it’s still going just because it’s in a bucket of water. Hoping it grows roots… I do feel better for going outside to start the day off but it is freezing!
That’s not great news about the counselling. I thought it was there to help people who need it, not to be referred to an overrun GP service. Mine is absolutely awful. I had to complain to the Ombudsman last year and I’m still waiting for it to be referred now to a caseworker to investigate them. I only got the covid jab because I involved them, 5 months after I was contacted by NHS as being vulnerable, and then had to complain that they weren’t going to give me the second jab because they didn’t have the funding! So I completely understand you not wanting to contact them. I found calling 111 very helpful. They had information and contacts regarding my complaint. They listened and were very helpful. I know it’s not the same but maybe worth a try if you tell them your GP isn’t going to be helpful. I’m quite shocked that you were turned away. You need help Tina, even if it is just someone to listen to you. Is it the conselling service through this site? Don’t give up. I know that’s easy for me to say because when I was crying none stop I couldn’t function at all. I can’t leave you like this, not knowing if you’ll be ok. Keep posting and tell me what you think of the garden pics.
Well done for getting the washing outside. It’s the one household chore I quite enjoy doing, from start (sorting out the basket) to finish (putting it away as it’s done). I don’t have ocd like your mam but I do like things in their place and when they aren’t it makes me feel much worse. Just getting the dishes washed makes an impact. I hate when I can’t wash up and am faced with no cups or plates and then have a huge task.
Your spot at the back door in the sun sounds lovely. Maybe sit where your mam would have sat in that space and think of her to be close to her. I was very upset last night / 5am this morning, having not slept at all and just missing mam. I lit a candle and sent her love on the tribute site and then was upset that nobody has even posted anything for her apart from me (I did get the children to do cards and gifts at Christmas). I have a huge emptiness where she used to be and am still haunted by everything I didn’t say or do. It is still shocking to realise she isn’t here. Maybe the brain tries to protect and so we can’t process it all in one go. Whatever it is it is the hardest thing we will ever face in our lives.
Re your mam’s hoarding, I’ve always been fascinated by it and love watching the tv programmes and getting the experts in to help get things sorted. From what I’ve seen it’s something about protecting yourself after losing loved ones or something awful happening to you. So surrounding yourself with lots of stuff keeps people out. How did she manage to get round everything in her wheel chair? Children of hoarders often go on to become hoarders themselves. My mam always said I was a hoarder of fabric but that was for my work. When I had to clear the loft so that the council could do repairs to the loft wall (when I my creepy neighbour drilled out a hole for himself to get into my house) I sorted through everything and it is now all neatly stacked in clear storage boxes (cost a small fortune!) and labelled for future projects. I boarded out the whole loft so I have a workroom up there. It’s like a fridge in winter and a furnace in summer so not really a workroom at all! But allows me to sort thing up there in order to bring work down to do.
I’ll post them pics now of the garden. Must have responded to a private message from Paisley about her garden. Didn’t realise it wouldn’t be seen by all. Here they are and let me know what you think. I work out there in the summer doing my sewing and blogging, with Porscha and my neighbour’s cats lounging around the pergola.
Responding to Paisley posts about her garden and trawling through the pics I have of mine (loads of them because I document my progress) made me reconnect with my love of gardening. Mam and dad taught me everything I know, though I am more of a naturist than having neat borders. I have a stinky fox living in the old hutch filled with straw (used to be for the hedgehogs), I did feed a stray cat for a couple of years but couldn’t coax him into the house and he must have found a better place than my shed, I feed all manner of birds and love watching the naughty squirrels pinching all the fat balls I put out (I crush them - the fat balls, not the squirrels!). Just managed to record the birds feeding. Will try to post. I have frogs and warty toads and black snails living in the ponds. I have beautiful array of butterflies and dragonflies in the summer.
Must plug in so will come back to you when I’m charged up.
xxx
Hello Christine
I’ve just seen the pictures and they are really nice. It’s like looking at pictures in one of those homes and gardens magazines. Especially the way they look like a natural woodland. I get you with the cat that you think found a better home, that’s cats for for you. Mum always liked to throw bread onto the lawn and watch them. We ended up with some right fussy ones though. They were some really huge birds and there were some that always came in pairs. They’ll be back again in the spring but Mum won’t see them which saddens me. Just been in floods of tears to my sister as she said something about Mum that that made me remember something. To be honest, I really don’t think I’m in my right mind. It’s like you say about being “haunted” by things you wish were said/done differently. I couldn’t have put it better myself but that is exactly how I feel. Can’t get past that.
I’m a bit reluctant to go to my GP because my surgery isn’t in a city, it’s really small and there are people in my neighborhood and even old classmates that work there and I worry about privacy etc. I don’t want my personal troubles being read by the receptionists. I used to be a doctor’s receptionist so I know what goes on. Obviously you can probably tell I’m going into paranoid mode.
The counselling was through the site. I appreciate why they would be reluctant given my state of mind and they did say I could reapply, but they suggested I need GP and mental health assessment before that. I’m not going to the GP though. Good on you for taking your concerns to the ombudsman. It takes presence of mind to follow something through with the “big guns” like NHS so well done. That was shocking about the COVID situation.
Mum hoarded but she had to have everything in tidiness so there was nothing on the floor or piled on surfaces etc. It was all in what we called the “playroom” as kids, which is upstairs. So the downstairs was really tidy. What strikes me now is just how insignificant most things really are. Mum used to say she didn’t want to throw things in case she needed them but there more to it, as you say.
How is your Dad getting on? OK I hope.
Well thanks for posting your photos, they really are great. You must have a fabulous camera, they are really detailed.
xx
Oh Tina thank you very much for your comments about my garden. I’m really chuffed! Love Homes and Gardens magazine. It’s been a hard slog for 14 years creating that, mostly on my own with some help from the family (creating the gravel patio, digging out the smaller pond, starting the pergola). It’s now a mature garden and lovely in the summer because I’ve got a lot of shade with the trees. I’m looking forward to getting out there in the spring but don’t know how I’ll feel when I actually do it. I’ve been hiding in the house since November.
I totally agree with you about not wanting to go to the GP if everyone will know your business. Is there not somewhere on a bus ride away? Or could you not check out other services not related to GP? Try 111 and see what advice they have. You aren’t losing your marbles. You are absolutely destroyed by your mam leaving you. I don’t know why people don’t understand that. I was crying my eyes out again last night because it hit me that she is actually gone. I keep forgetting that it’s real. It’s like I’m living in a bubble and to some extent I am because I don’t have to go out to work and be around people. Have you tried Googling what else is available? I’d try everything before you just dismiss it.
Chatting about your mam’s hoard reminds me of mam collecting jam jars and then not making the jam. I would have a clear out of her jars and she’d go mad and then get upset. She didn’t use them and they just sat there in the out building. I wish I hadn’t been so dismissive because they obviously meant a lot to her. I wish I’d just left them all there. They were both very messy and every so often I’d go in there and have a clear out and be so annoyed that I had to keep doing it (when I couldn’t get through the door). I think they just gave up. Why didn’t I just see what was happening and talk to them, ask why they couldn’t put things away (there was plenty of storage). The house was always very tidy. I feel so guilty about so many things. I suppose a lot of people just don’t admit it or talk about it. But I’d rather be mad at myself because it’s the only thing I can do. It must be so hard for you to live in the space where she was and for her not to be there. But you also have all of those lovely memories around you. I live alone and travelled to see them. They moved from the old house during covid and then because of lockdown I didn’t go over as often as I would normally. Also my anxiety got worse about leaving the house so it was more difficult when I did try to go over. That’s the biggest guilt trip of all. I think people don’t like showing their emotions, the English stiff upper lip, pretend it’s not happening etc. I’m very honest with myself and others (probably why I fight with my sisters). So however awful you’re feeling just remember you aren’t the only one. We are all here for you. Try 111 and get a list of numbers to phone to see what your options are while you are able to still help yourself. I’m amazed at how I am today in comparison to a week ago. I started a new project of Indian panels which will contain hand embroidered memories of mam, like the little nub of pastry (the left over bit mam always popped on the tray when making scones. We’d laugh at it because she ate that bit first, like she felt sorry for it. I never for one second thought it would mean so much now).
Since all my family were telling me to take medication and wouldn’t listen to me (like they were trying to fix me) I haven’t spoken to them (don’t know how long). So I don’t know how any of them are and don’t want them asking how I am because they are so judgmental. Mam really did keep the family together. She’d be very upset if she knew the situation and the longer it goes on for the easier it is for me to not speak to anyone at all.
I got my sleeping tablets today (delivered through the post) so at least I’ll get some sleep tonight. Don’t know how I’m still going.
My camera wasn’t an expensive one. I think most cameras now are of good quality and does all the settings for you to some extent. I got it years ago to photograph my work for the websites. It’s so necessary to have an online presence. I’ve basically taught myself along the way. But it would make a fab new hobby for wildlife, country walks, nature etc. Ebay would have older models very reasonably priced. You could create a series of pics from the churchyard, though you might need to get permission. I think graveyards are beautiful in their stillness, all that moss on old stone, like time has gone unnoticed because we are all so very busy before we are stopped in our tracks and forced to confront our loss. Getting upset again. I wish mam was sitting with me now. I’d tell her how lost I feel without her. And that I love her beyond what I could have ever imagined before now.
Let me know how you get on with 111 if you want to try. I’ll be thinking of you xxx
Hi Christine. Just seen the pics of your garden. You should be very proud. Hope you are having some better days. I’m having more better ones than bad at the moment but anything could set me off again. Trying to remain positive but it’s so hard.
Take care x
Oh yes Christine the Jam Jar collection. Any jar in fact. Mum had loads too and she eventually put them in the garden outhouse. I threw a glass jar away yesterday. A good one with a good lid. I felt guilty knowing what Mum would say, so I’ll probably rescue it before it gets as far as the wheelie bin.
I hope the sleeping tablets do for you. Funnily enough sleeping is not a major issue for me. I have to admit I went to bed at 8pm yesterday evening and just woke up at 6am. It’s a hiding place I think. Have a good day xx