Hi Neil, I was sharing in response to another garden post and realised how much I love my garden when I’m in it. I was doing jobs when I heard the news about mam having cancer and everything stopped. I feel so guilty that I could have spent so much more time with her before we knew she was ill but I thought I would get my garden finished and then we’d have all the lovely Christmas stuff to do together. I just feel really sad now. I started a new textile project yesterday and was having a good day until I got into bed and it hit me again that she’s really died. I’m so heartbroken. I just want her back. It’s a different sadness to before. Like it’s a forever sadness that I’ll carry always. Having therapy later so I’ll probably feel better with a new perspective. I am trying.
Take care xxx
Hiya Tina, How are you doing today? I was so upset when I got into bed last night after having had such a good day starting my textile panels and blog. Going for a therapy session later so may feel more upbeat after. I’m just so sad she’s gone and I’ll never see her again. If I could have just a minute to tell her how much I love her that would be enough. But to wait a lifetime in the hope that the spiritual life is real and she will be waiting for me is just so hard to accept. I miss her too much to never speak to her again.
Seeing you mentioning the jam jars made me smile just now. Different sizes and shapes and contouring. She would be thrilled with the mechanisms to open the lid, the fancy storage ones for pickles and pate at Christmas. I understand the guilt you will feel attached to throwing the jar away but don’t keep it for your mam. Take a photo of it as the first in a collection of jars your mam would love. Have a clearout of any others knocking about. I’m sure there’s loads. It then becomes precious and you can look at the collection you are building for your mam in her memory. Applies to all her collections. I know that’s a mammoth task, like the stacks of old photos mam wanted to do for the family tree albums. I don’t know who everyone is and I can’t ask her. I kept thinking I should really make a start on it but never did.
I did get a good sleep last night and woke to Porscha kisses - cupboard love (isn’t that a strange expression), wanting her breakfast. If wasn’t for her I probably wouldn’t get out of bed. Hoping therapy will brighten my mood later.
Take care hun xxx
Hi Christine.
I have those moments too. You think you are beginning to get through it all and then something hits you and you seem to be going back to square one again.
For me it’s things like going in the supermarket and seeing items Mum used to buy but I didnt and realising I’ll never buy them again. Also I cant face going in or even past our favourite restaurant as that would make me worse too. I’m definitely making progress but as you say it hits you suddenly the sad reality of it all.
Hope you have a peaceful weekend x
Hi Christine and Neil,
Sorry to hear Christine you had a bad day yesterday as I’ve been reading your posts and was thinking how upbeat you were sounding overall. Hopefully today has been a better day for you 
Neil - totally get that about the shopping and the restaurant thing. I hated this kind of soup that my mum always got me to but her from B&M and lately they haven’t had it and then I think ‘why am I even looking?’ as I won’t ever eat chicken soup or whatever it pretended to be.
I think yesterday was a bad day overall so here’s hoping today is better for everyone.
I enjoy (if that’s the right word) reading all your posts as I feel less alone.
Take care,
Suzanne x
Hi Suzanne. Days are up and down for me. I have nothing planned for the weekend this week so I’m expecting at least one bad day but just have to get through it somehow. I did see another show at the theatre yesterday which lifted my spirits. I saw the Tina Turner Musical in London.
Hope you have a good , if you can, weekend and a peaceful one.
Best wishes Neil x
Hi Neil,
The Tina Turner show sounds great 
. My next show is Stereophonics and should go ahead 
x
If you’re having a bad day over weekend just pop in here if you feel you can and want to as can lend a comforting ear.
Hope it’s not as bad as you fear and after my yoga class tomorrow morning not sure what I’ll do tbh.
Take care of yourself,
Suzanne x
Hello Christine
Thanks for the reply above. Mum’s loved the simplest things didn’t they. Mum too would marvel at the design of a glass jar opening mechanism and its shape if it was an unusual one.
Its 6.30am but thought I’d reply now rather than later on as planned as you sounded so bereft in an earlier post on a different thread. I’ve been the same, more so recently so understand how wretched you may be. I just wanted to say I was thinking of you and hope you are feeling more settled when you wake up later xx
Hi Tina, I thought I’d done the tears and couldn’t cry any more and had started feeling a bit more settled but I’m back to how I was, panicking because I know it’s so final and nothing from now on includes her (any work I create, the garden, things to tell her about). I just want to sleep so I don’t have to deal with it. I miss her so very much. I had a sleep because of the sleeping tablet. I only take a half so I’m not like a zombie the next day.
It is true that mams appreciated simple things. I wish I’d helped her with her collection of jars and encouraged collecting just the fancy ones instead of all jars. But I didn’t. I got angry about them piling up. They weren’t mine to be angry about. She was so protective of them. And I didn’t help make the jam (I did years ago). I just want things to go back to normal. I’m so upset again for no reason. I’ve just made a coffee and fed Porscha and I’m back in bed crying. This really is a deep sea of desperation and sadness. And I know it will not end. I have a lifetime of this. I wish I could go back and fill in every day I couldn’t go over. I’d make it so special. I wish I could get her some more time. Things would be perfect and I would do everything to make her happy. I just to be with my mam. xxx
Hiya Tina, Since I last posted I have picked myself up, opened all my curtains and blinds, stood with the kitchen door open to enjoy the garden while doing dishes, putting a wash on, making soup. I was in the bath and heard drilling above me in my loft. I know that sound carries and realised my creepy neighbour must be home. When I got out the drilling stopped and I saw that he was back home. I’m now in darkness again because he watches me through the windows (because I have heard the comments about whatever I am doing). So I have to grieve for mam while he is continuing his nonsense towards me. I had planned to do some more textile panels sitting by the window looking out onto the garden, watching the birds feed but cannot do that now he is at home. I’ll have to go into the loft and see if he has been taking the new wall down that the council repaired for me. They couldn’t do anything about him because I didn’t record him doing it. Who has camera’s in their loft just incase the nutter tries carving a hole for himself because he can’t watch me from the garden after I reported him? Mam would listen to everything that was happening and supported me in the steps I took to expose him. I can’t tell anyone now. When I had originally discovered the hole my sister said that I had insurance and it was fine to leave the house while he came down through the loft hatch to rummage through my stuff! I feel so vulnerable because I have nobody to help me and it just makes me realise that mam isn’t here. So I’m back to feeling totally empty again.
I hope you are having a better day than me. Are you going to the grave again? The more you go the more you will ease into that space and make it your own to connect with your mam.
SEnding love xxx
Hi Christine,
Sorry I know you were posting to Tina but the bit about your neighbour is just too creepy for me not to comment on.
Can you buy a wee trail camera and put it up in the loft to record whatever he’s doing? They can be quite small, discreet and can be put anywhere and I don’t think he would see it even if he was looking for a camera? They can be quite inexpensive too. I’ve never heard the likes tbh and to have someone say just let him in the house cause you’re insured baffles me!
Are you feeling any better now since you made your soup? I too woke up this morning feeling like I am living in some kind of Twilight Zone and wanted to curl up and just cry. I have my first early grief counselling session this week and not quite sure what it can do for me but am willing to try anything.
Anyway I hope you find some strength to have a peaceful night and if not we’re all here for you.
Suzanne x
Hi Suzanne, It’s lovely to see your post. Yes, my creepy neighbour had drilled out the loft wall and I’d had to get the council to replace the brickwork and because I didn’t record him in the act they couldn’t do anything about him but do believe me. He had been into my hopuse and left me a sticker on an old plug on the fridge (STIRRER) and there was a cigarette burn on my wallpaper next to the boiler. It was only because I was decorating that I found this and the hole because I was laying new loft boards. Watching me in the garden (creeping round the side of his house so I don’t hear his back door) is ongoing. But other stuff too like following me to my therapy (he has a bright orange van so he can’t hide). It was only because I couldn’t park and came up behind him that I realised what he had done and followed him twice round the crescent before he sped off when he saw me in his mirror. I was housed by the council as a vulnerable person because of the stalking by an ex partner (I had to cut all ties with friends from my old life and move back in with my parents. When they retired I was housed here. I am surrounded by people with all sorts of problems but keep myself to myself (which seems to offend everyone in the street). I just want to be left alone. I live in darkness when he is at home because I can’t open my slatted blinds, bamboo blinds, curtains, blackout blind on all windows. When he is at home I live in my bedroom but he goes to the front of the house pretending to fiddle about with his van. It is semi detached so I can’t get away from him. I made it very clear from the start I did not want any contact with him. The comments to other neighbours are horrendous. I can’t have a private conversation because he listens to everything I am doing (and talks about it to others). I knew he was ‘odd’ when he moved in. The police wouldn’t do anything to help me and said it was a council matter. I am agoraphobic with anxiety and panic because of ptsd with the original stalking situation. And because this is common knowledge it is a perfect reason to claim that he is innocent and I am neurotic (I’m not! ). It was my sister who made the comment about having insurance to cover anything stolen, like that’s all I’m worried about! I have horrendous nightmares about him standing over me in my sleep. He could have done this because there was a week or so between me hearing him drilling in the loft (I thought it was just the noise carrying) and discovering the hole when I got delivery of my boards and put them up there. He was infested with rats and let them into my loft because of the hole. The workmen said he had laid carpet over the brickwork so it was more comfortable for him to crawl through. It’s like the worst horror film. It’s actually incredible seeing it written down here.
I still haven’t been up there yet to check the brickwork. I hate the idea of having camera’s but I really should look into it. It’ll have to be wireless for risk of fire with electrics in the loft. I did have to have cameras recording neighbours anti social behaviour in the street (they are on behaviour orders now) but that only served to make it worse. My therapist told me he deals with creeps like my neighbours every day and it is so easy to drill a tiny hole in the ceiling for tiny camera’s and so I had to check all of my ceilings. But if the holes are that small I could have missed them. Can you imagine being that fixated on someone who you don’t even know? He’s been very quiet since I reported him but that just means I can’t hear what he’s doing.
Mam believed everything that was happening to me. Others in my family didn’t because it sounded so ridiculous to be true. And talking about how frightened and angry I was just just seemed to annoy them more. I have huge padlocks now drilled into the hatch so even if he got into the loft again he couldn’t get down into the house.
I used to love horror, especially psychological because it is most frightening. I can’t watch anything now that would remind me of what he’s done. It’s fascinating how people become so obsessive about someone they don’t even know but being on the receiving end of it is very frightening. I think I’m putting off setting up camera’s because I don’t want to know what he’s doing. He’s probably recording me when I leave the house. I only go out now once a week for therapy and he waits until I’m sitting in the car to heat it up before I can drive away to come out too his van and he sits watching me, knowing I can’t drive off. Other times he sits waiting before I leave the house, get to my car, and then drives off. The timings are not coincidental because it happens every time.
There’s been so many other things but I won’t bore you with it. I’ve just realised how huge my post is. But I do feel better knowing that you are listening. I know it’s not about mam but I would be telling her if she were still here.
Thank you for listening xxx
Hi Suzanne, Sorry, I forgot to say about your counselling. Good luck with it. I’m not sure how different it is to therapy but if you can be as open and honest with it as possible. The more you get out about how you are feeling the more emotion you are releasing. I love having therapy. It was because of my panic attacks that a friend set it up for me. It allows you to openly express whatever you are troubled by and grief counselling will be tailored to you understanding the process of grieving. Don’t be afraid about what the person might think. It’s not designed to catch you out. Whatever you say will have been said before in some way or other. I always feel better to be listened to even if I cannot accept that I will move on, that grief will soften, that daily life will return to normal and that I will enjoy things again without mam here. To understand and accept that can happen gives me hope for the future. I still want to crawl into mams coffin at the chapel of rest, even though she isn’t there. I still picture holding her tiny purple fingers, crying, telling her how much I love her. But I can also picture myself in the garden in the summer, surrounded by the roses I still haven’t bought for her birthday. I’m learning to be kinder to myself, to give myself the room to grieve, not push myself to do stuff because I can’t, no matter how hard I try.
So think of counselling as a stepping stone to a brighter future (can’t quite believe how positive I can be). Once you start it’s amazing how comforting it will be. I’ll be thinking of you and sending you positive vibes.
Much love xxx
Hello again, whatever I post everyone is welcome to post back, even if it is addressed to Tina. I think I was probably seeing how she was doing and then got carried away. Going to check on my soup. It’s the only thing I can make because I can’t cook. My only appliances are the microwave, toaster and soup maker. My mam and sisters can all cook wonderful things. I wish I’d tried harder when mam was here to attempt things. I’m a very lazy girl! and rely on heating things up. Probably why I need to lose some weight. x
Hi Christine,
Thank you for your kind and positivity surrounding the counselling and although I am very nervous about it you are so correct that what ever I say they will have heard many times before.
However as regards what you have had to put up with your neighbour….I am actually lost for words! your house is supposed to be a safe haven and I can’t imagine having to worry about people in your loft etc. I actually wish I lived closer to you just so I could smack him in the face for what he’s making you go through (i know violence solves little but nothing else seems to have worked).
As regards to the trail cameras the one I have and others I’ve seen are battery operated because they are designed to capture nature where there are obviously no power sockets (sorry for stating the obvious) and you can also get these new door bells that you can record and see what’s going on at your front door etc. Maybe they would help 
I can’t believe the police or council can’t help you x
Hope your bad days become less and keep posting as here to listen to anything x
Take care,
Suzanne
Just checking in on you today to see what kind of day you’re having.
Hopefully not as bad as feared.
Suzanne x
Hi Suzanne.
Had a better day than expected. Didn’t have that feeling of fear and dread that I was getting every morning. Had a nice pizza and now watching Big Night At The Musicals on BBC1. See what tomorrow brings. Hope you are OK . It’s good that we are looking out for each other in these sad times .
Have a good night x
Yes, I didn’t think of the nature camera’s. Will check that out. There’s a still small hole where it wasn’t possible to go right to the end in the repairs so I can have it close to so I’ll capture anything in that space. The thing is this bloke is over 6 foot and not exactly skinny. To imagine him crawling through the rat droppings to get in (the rats are long gone and I had the whole loft redone in new insulation) just shows his determination. I often think of films like ‘SAW’ where there’s all sorts of things set up. Wish I’d been creative and trapped him as her came in, like in a bear trap or something. Cover him in superglue and clingfilm (not sure how that could be created) so he couldn’t explain himself if he got away. I just never wanted any of this. It’s too freaky. And like you say, a home is a haven of whatever you wish it to be. I’m so angry but can’t do anything about it. He would have to actually hurt me in some way for me to be taken seriously. And because his activity is done in private he’s very clever in what he can and cannot get away with. makes me wonder if he’s done this before. When I reported him I was told that I couldn’t prove that the wall was intact! and that it was a neighbour dispute and one that the council couldn’t take sides in. Unbelievable. The whole issue of stalking and the like is ignored largely because it is difficult to prove and the timescale in getting any kind of results is ridiculous. That is why so many women are killed by their partners or weirdo’s with mental illness. I was told I could move but until you are housed you don’t know what you are dealing with. I’d redecorated throughout, laid loft boards, endured months of repairs because of him and have my mature garden which I created from scratch. I just don’t have the energy to start over again and why should I be the one to move? It seems that behaviour like that matures over time, starting with watching women in the dark. Can you imagine the brass balls on him! This drilling was done in daylight while I was at home. I couldn’t have imagined that was what he was doing above me while I was watching tv. It’s like that comedy years ago, ‘Shamless’.
Anyway, he’s not doing it now and I’m putting off going up there until tomorrow. It’ll be like a fridge up there now .
Feel better for chatting. xxx
Hello Christine
How are you doing at the moment?
My sister today said did I want to go round to her house for something to eat at Lunchtime. I didn’t want to but then remembered what people say about not getting asked again so I accepted. She said did I want to go to The Range after but I couldn’t face people so we went to the Churchyard and then to a garden centre. It was a more relaxed atmosphere at the garden centre so I wasn’t overwhelmed. I was saddened at the Churchyard though as it’s quite bare and forlorn now the flower sprays are not there and it didn’t feel “real” again. I don’t know how my Sister managed the garden centre as she took Mum there. I hadn’t been with Mum but kept picturing her just looking at the plants. I nearly bought a rose but couldn’t see one that stood out. Instead I bought two faceted clear glass tealight candle holders which were nice. Still feel quite dissociated with things and then you get home to nothingness, even if someone has just been kind and took me out. I don’t envy you that neighbour you have got. Can he actually still cross your attic space? I’d be filling it with random objects that make a noise if they get knocked over and putting a lock on your loft hatch. He is obviously a single man I assume, with too much time on his hands. It’s an awful situation. In years gone by we endured terrible victimisation at the hands of estate teenagers, the whole street did and it does make you feel so unwell. It’s always a case of keep a diary, you have to see them, our hands are tied etc. Hope your evening goes ok for you. x
Hello again Christine. I’m really sorry but I had no idea you’d had such an awful afternoon. I just came straight to your thread and only just seen your other post where you mention the bad time you’ve had today. Thinking of you. Hope this evening gives you some respite xx
Hi Christine,
Sorry to read about your altercation with your sister and very hurtful things to say to you.
Would say her frustration and attitude is some form of transference because it’s easier to be nasty to others rather than face your own feelings etc. Not excusing her as you did not deserve that especially in full view of your neighbours.
Has your day got any better? Have you been able to find some peace at all?
Plus love Tina’s idea of basically making your attic into the Krypton Factor so that you could hear him…simple yet genius.
Here for you,
Suzanne x