Hi Neil,
I spotted my first pigeon this morning as Porsch popped her nose out the door and swiftly decided to pop it back again. Two magpies (one for sorrow and two for joy) carrying off crushed up lumps of fat ball. It is funny watching them looking for cats under the table. All the little guys haven’t stirred from their nests yet. Same with the neighbours. I have therapy today and really don’t want to go out in the cold. Car is buried!
How are you this morn? Did you persevere with the ornaments or stop? Getting the tree fir the garden is very different to doing the whole xmas thing in the house. I discovered pics from xmases before mam when the world made sense, I’ll post some later on. I always go over the top, perfecting everything I do. I don’t have any sparkle in me to do that now.
Is it today you meet your pal? That should give you a boost. Nice to see we have a newbie.
It seems the move will be finished by end of week and the house empty. It will be so strange driving past for everything I do. They’ve always lived there when I moved here. It will feel like another massive loss.
Heard on the news temperatures in Scotland were -20 ! Just can’t imagine that level of cold. Hope Suzanne gets her water on at work for hot drinks. Don’t know how they stayed open.
Will pop back later on, Not sure I can brave a swim today.
Lots of love xxx
Hello Christine
Just gone to check the postbox to see the two cards from you. Thankyou so much.
I noticed one of them had “don’t open till 8th” on the back so it must have been on holiday" at the sorting office before making it’s way here. You must have thought it so ungracious of me not to have acknowledged your kind gesture. Still, I suppose the post office are doing the best they can.
This is just a short pop on to say thankyou for the cards and I’ll pop back when I can when Zoe’s finished demanding.
Much love xx
Hi Tina,
You are very welcome. Those cards have been on hols for about 2 weeks now! But pleased they arrived. I haven’t had any post for longer than that. I had hoped to go to therapy today but really don’t think I can face getting stuck at the car with the car and his mate (woman with dogs) lurking, knowing I’ll be stuck doing the snow. It may sound like I’m suspicious of peeps but I have good reason with those two. Was going to drop off winter duvets for the kids for their new bedrooms and the little furry cave Porscha won’t entertain. I’ve already had a very busy morning in and out the loft getting bits and putting more summer things away. Went to the bin in my sandals and had to take socks off as soon as I got in! Bin lid was sealed shut and no sign of bin men at all.
Did you see the winter garden pics I took with the heavy snowfall the other day? It was like a winter wonderland. It’s fun watching the birds. They are so noisy! I was delighted to see my blackbird again. Still waiting for my jays and crow to turn up. The little ones wait until mid morning to arrive. The flock of baby starlings is fun to watch. There was about 8 of them on one table. Will try to get pics again but they are so fast.
How are you doing now? My upset has evened out and I’m ‘functioning’, doing the xmas jigsaw puzzle, making my batches of soup and taking pics of the garden. I can hear the birds cheeping from the front of house.
Wonderful!
I must go now and get dressed. Having a bit of a panic just running through in my head doing the snow on the car. Don’t think I can manage it. Panic snowballs very quickly into the worst poss. scenario of being trapped and in danger even though it’s parked right outside. Will pop back later whatever happens. I’m always so disappointed in myself when I ‘fail’, even though the relief to not do it is immense.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Tina,
Have had to cancel therapy. Just can’t risk getting trapped at car because I can’t just drive away and would have to clear snow and sit warming car up for 10 mins. If creep came out wouldn’t be able to just drive away or get back into house. So would be trapped. But not just that he could be filming me too from the window because he has the blinds open (but can’t see in). Always feel like he]s watching me, because he is! So disappointed. But my therapist didn’t expect me to get over there. Lots of peeps have cancelled. Plus I don’t know what the parking would be like with lots of peeps staying at home. So disappointed in myself. This will sit with me for days. I see it as a failure.
At least I have 12 new veg soups cooling on the draining board to keep me warm! I’m so pleased I did a shop just before the snow or I would be out of food. I don’t have reserves in like mam because I don’t cook and can’t just rustle up a cake or pie and all the other things I took for granted that she could do. It really is a skill.
Feeling really lost now. Might grab a cuppa and will pop back again. And to think I was going to call in for a quick swim!
Lots of love xxx
Hello again Christine.
Just have to say a huge WOW to those photographs you’ve taken. They are on another level altogether. I think it was Neil that said you’d be a good nature photographer and that’s so true. I can imagine seeing those as well made into Xmas cards in some arty shop or high brow department store. In fact all of you take some fabulous photos. Photography, as well as gardening used to be big hobbies for me and I took some lovely photos but the interest in photography has just dwindled. Think it’s because Mum loved looking at photos too but in later months she’d not want to look at photos.
I’m not sure how I’m feeling at the moment. I’m engaging a bit. I know when some people aren’t upto things they chat more, and some people just shut away completely and I’m a shut-away person. It’s been a bit 3 fold really, the loss, the cold and the “other”. I think we know what the “other” is. I’d been so unwell but last night night I’d made him his tea and took it up to his room and told him I had to go to bed as I felt so freezing and poorly. Then he said it was his gym night so I had to get up and occupy Zoe. It was well gone midnight when he got back which would have been no big deal usually but I could hear Zoe running riot in the hall so I had to phone him to come back and carry on keep checking in her in the early hours. The worst thing was he could have said “do you want a brew before I go”, or “I’ll let Zoe out before I have to go”, but nothing. It’s just the devoid ness of everything I think that was the last straw. I did however have a batch left of the homemade soup so used that with plenty of pepper today!
It’s a little sunnier here right now, but as soon as it fades any ice melted will just reset and make it more hazardous underfoot. It’s not so much the cold as the fear involved with slipping I think that’s scary!
Hope it’s a bit less brutal where you are and that Porsche ok. Probably snuggled up beside the fireplace.
Was looking outside and wondering if I could go and get some shopping but decided no. If I slip and broke something there’s no one to help me with Zoe during the day. The only problem with doing a bulk buy online shop is that he will bulk eat it. So it costs me more as I pay for it.
Anyway enough of my woes. Take care and keep warm. Hope fully we will be over the worst of the weather soon.
Much love xx
Hi again Christine
Don’t feel bad about not getting out. Yesterday we didn’t get our bins emptied and today I don’t think it’s happening either. They’d sent an email saying the conditions were not safe so you are in good company! Just look at it as looking after yourself and keeping yourself safe. if you break something you’d struggle to see to Porche.
I have some oat milk thing and keep making a cocoa every 20 mins. At least it’s only 1p a go in the microwave!
Speak again xx
Hi Neil
How are you at the moment? I see you are on a main road so not so isolated which is a good thing.
The Samaritans haven’t replied yet so I’m guessing there’s a lot of people in need right now.
I understand the triggers with looking at possessions you havent seen for a while or forgot about. I think we brace ourselves in everyday life but it’s often the out of the blue situations that knock us I find.
Yeah my savings have definitely gone down. I wouldn’t mind if I had used them but my Brother, despite having a big wage pays hardly anything. So both sets of pet/house insurance, council tax, broadband and shopping etc is all down to me. Luckily I’m very content with not socializing, neither drink nor smoke so not a spender in those respects.
I hear your anniversary is the 20th and that’s the last for the year. Mine are too but Mums service was New Years Eve and I always find that time kind of sad anyway so not really wanting that day to come.
We don’t have a tree or decorations of any kind. We do have some but won’t bother.
Just going to get a hot chocolate - keep warm.
Sending love and best wishes
xx
Hi Rhiannon
Evening Rhiannon,
If you ever want to talk we are all here x
Hi Christine,
I did laugh at the thought you saw a badger and then you were just tired lol x a lot of badgers will be in torpor just now but you may be lucky enough as your garden is a haven for wildlife x
So the works water pipes froze yesterday so we had no water whatsoever so couldn’t make a hot cuppa or even go to the toilet!! So guy fixed it all but froze again so I was meant to be in the groom room today with a full day of dogs and had to cancel every single one as the water didn’t get fixed until 4.30pm…absolute waste of a day.
It was -9C this morning when I got up to go to work at 8.30am so I hate to think what it’ll be like tomorrow when I need to leave at 6.30am!! Wish me luck lol x
I’m sorry to hear you had to cancel your therapist but think it was definitely a wise thing to do.
I phoned my elderly neighbour last night to see if she needed any shopping as lethal underfoot and she said she was sitting in her living room with her coat on as she was cold. Told her to come to mine if she was cold but she she wouldn’t…she’s like over 80 so just worry about her.
Meant to get to zero tomorrow so may start to get snow then but as it is it’s too cold to snow x
Anyway ignore the Creep as much as you can and enjoy your homemade soup…I do miss my mums homemade vegetable soup as it was the bollocks 
x
Stay warm and chat soon 
x
Hi Neil,
Hope you have had a good day with your friend and sorry you had a hard day yesterday especially with the blanket x I would justify finding that to myself by saying that when you are warm under the crochet blanket then it’s your mum’s embrace keeping you warm…a bit twee possibly but that’s how my mind works lol x
Are you feeling any better? What did you and your friend get up to?
I’ve had to be a bit decadent today and leave 2 heaters on all day as the house would be too cold for the cat and rabbits if I didn’t. I don’t mind being cold but not having my fur babies cold lol x
I decided not to put a Xmas tree up this year but I bought a wee dinky poinsettia which was mum’s favourite at Xmas so felt quite fitting x that is of the cat doesn’t eat the plant x
Yeah SSE/OVO…bunch of crooks imo. I am so much in credit and they still want to put my direct debit up as of 1/1…told them no and if I owe them money then I’ll pay it…the interest they must get from everyone being in credit must be eye watering but well done you for saving your monthly payment as I spend it x
Anyway hope you’ve had a good day and will check in on you tomorrow 
x
Hi Suzanne
Had a good afternoon with my friend . He lives in Shropshire now but his Mum still lives near me so when he comes to visit he does a double visit to us both. Dropped off some presents for Xmas. I always give him and his partner gift cards as they always come in handy.
Just had a really good laugh and chat and it was good. He will be phoning again on Xmas day as he doesn’t go away this time of year and I’ll phone him on his birthday three days later!
On Thursday , a day where there are no train strikes, I have a double theatre day. Making my debut at Shakespeare’s Globe in the candlelight Sam Wanamaker Playhouse to see Henry V ( really cheap ticket too!) then staying in London for another Shakespeare play at the National which is Othello. Will try and do something between shows as well. So Thursday will be Shakespeare day for me and something a bit different.
No more snow here but what we had Sunday keeps freezing so still some lying around although the roads are perfectly clear.
Will catch up again soon
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina,
I was so tired last night after doing the jigsaw puzzle for hours that I couldn’t even post back. So intricate. I love a challenge and am doing small areas on two of those knee cushion boards (I’d bought for my parents one xmas and dad didn’t want them after mam left). She has 4 or 5 puzzles so I’ll do them all over xmas as a challenge and photograph to show you. They’re great to pass the time and there’s a real sense of achievement. And if you find one that you really like (charity shops have loads of them) you can sellotape the whole thing and make into a picture. I did that with an old fashioned pic of a corner shop and mam had it on the wall in the kitchen at the old house for years. It reminded her of being a little girl.
I have my compost being delivered today so have to get dressed early so I can let him through the back gate. Didn’t know it would snow and be this cold. I got it knowing it was going to warm up again so I can get my Spring bulbs done.
Porsch likes to sit at the kitchen door and watch the birds while I’m doing her chicken. It is lovely seeing them and hearing the chatter. I love watching and taking pics. It’s just a standard camera I got for photographing my work to put on the website (really must update that too). I amaze myself when I get a clear pic because they’re so fast. You really should start taking pics again if you enjoy it. Even one a day. And living by the coast offers an amazing array of opportunity. There’s the scenery shots and then the detail of colour, crashing waves, rock pools, seagulls, the bustling seaside day trippers in all their glory. It could be your reason for getting out the house. I found starting anything a real hurdle but taking pics is quick and easy to do. And once you start (in your garden) you’ll get that momentum going.
Referring to your brother as the ‘other’ reason for you feeling so wretched sums him up perfectly. I’m amazed and appalled that he is so tight and not paying half of everything, or paying for everything given that he is working and you are not. What will happen when you have spent your hard earned savings and can’t give him a free ride anymore? He is so selfish and totally uncaring towards you. You are like a mother to him. I don’t know how you can keep doing it. I assumed you were looking after him because he was the breadwinner but he isn’t even that. Would you not be better living independently of him? You would then have your freedom and independence. You really do need to start protecting yourself. I know Zoe would miss you though. I can just imagine her being boisterous in the hall to get you up playing.
I didn’t go to therapy and will leave it until next week. I did go out at about 8pm when no one was around to start the car (amazed it did because it was so freezing) and get all the snow off. Creep didn’t come out but his mate next to him was watching me the whole time standing blatantly at the top window watching me the whole time until I kept staring back at her and she eventually turned off the light so I couldn’t see her! Don’t understand what her problem is. She’s the one who comes out whenever I open my kitchen door and keeps trying to say hello. I just ignore her. Living here really does amaze me as to how people behave (or misbehave).
You are right about getting a big shop in and eating more! I’ve dipped into the chocky biscuits again I’d bought as a thankyou for the skip boys. I never really ate biscuits before but do enjoy enjoy them now. My veg soups even out the calories!
You describe perfectly about grief and bracing ourselves in the everyday but random things triggering an outburst. That’s why I’ve learned to roll with it, let the emotion wash over me, react naturally and let it out and then sit quietly in the aftermath, relieved that it has ended again until the next episode. It is exhausting but seems to be a new way of living. We can’t fight against it. I don’t know how some peeps can. I’d burst if I didn’t get it out of me.
Must get dressed now before the lad arrives. Hope he’ll take it in the back gate. Saves me getting the trolley out to lug it round myself in the snow. Still covered though patchy. Wondering how quickly it will all go again. The weekend will be rainy with higher temperatures so presuming we’ll return to normal and I will be dashing out between showers to do my bulbs.
Will try to get more picks of the birds and post again later. My blackbird was back yesterday. Still looking out for my crow. Will have to get out there and top up the suet pellets (they love them) and fat balls. Still haven’t seen my squirrel.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Suzanne,
Wondering how you braved the arctic temperatures at that time of the morn? I’ve never experienced cold like that. Not surprised at all that the pipes froze. Surely it’s against regs that you are working under those conditions? How are all the little animals doing? Hope they leave the heating on for them overnight.
You are kind asking your elderly neighbour if she needs anything and to sit in yours out of the cold. Why isn’t she keeping the heating on low to keep the chill off? I’m sure the gas board wouldn’t cut her off for not paying a bill. Usually it rolls on over the summer to catch up. The cold is deadly to the elderly. I don’t know how the homeless survive in this. I suppose if they don’t accept the help offered they don’t wake up.
Must dash now to get dressed for the compost arriving. Will be engrossed in mams xmas puzzle today like yesterday. If there are any badgers they’d have to climb the fences or be small enough to squeeze underneath! I’ll keep an eye out and let you know!
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
I hope the trains are ok for your big day out Thursday / tomorrow. I haven’t been out at all but imagine the main roads are clear (had the binmen round) and hope the trains aren’t on strike for you. I loved Shakespeare at school, and Chaucer. It was fun translating it all into modern language. It will lift you up again which is exactly what you need. I think that’s the trick to living with grief - finding what works to make you hopeful that you can bear the everyday. And having a laugh with your mate. Feels like I haven’t smiled or laughed for such a long time.
Do you enjoy a jigsaw puzzle? It’s my new craze. I always loved doing it with mam, but now I have a challenge to complete them all over xmas. Really does make the time whizz and such a sense of achievement when you see it taking shape. Easy to dip in and out of, do it while you’re watching tv. If I ever get to the charity shops again that’s what I’ll be looking out for.
Really must dash now to get dressed before my compost arrives or I’ll be lugging it round the back myself.
Will pop in later with new pics as I’ll be out feeding the fur babies. Spotted my blackbird yester. Unmistakable with that orange beak set against black. Very dramatic.
Lots of love xxx
Lots of love xxx
Hi all, hope everyone is keeping warm!
I’ve been up very early for me as I had to give a presentation at work at 8am. It went well but sure they could hear my teeth chattering!!
@christine51 I don’t think not going out the other day was a failure, it was good sense!
Granddad went home on Monday and always messages me when he stops at his favourite supermarket. It usually takes him under 2hrs to get to there, he gets some bits and then another 30mins to his home. Well it was over three and a half hours until I got his message he was safe at the supermarket so I thought he must have been having an awful journey, and of course I was anxious to hear he was safe. When we video called in the evening turned out no need to worry - the message had been stuck in the system and not sent to me until later. So I was thinking he’d just got to the supermarket, actually at that time he was already home, feet up and a cuppa!
Yesterday I decided I would decorate my new little tree with mine and mum’s precious ornaments and memories. She bought me a new ornament every year and we bought ones whenever we travelled. I continued the tradition and got some new ones in Barcelona.
I’ll take some close ups of some of the decs and tell you the stories behind them over the next few days.
I have loads of bird feeders about but not many birds visiting - maybe there is a better restaurant in another garden!
@NEILB72 hope the trains don’t cause you too much trouble this festive season. And have a great time with your friend visiting, will be good to catch up in person (and an excuse to eat some treats I am sure!) I am having some of the ladies from craft club over on Friday evening and will have a mountain of cheese, each of them is bringing something too so elasticated waist sort of an evening I imagine!
Beki x
Hi Christine.
I think maybe by now you will have got compost and will be eagerly planning your next move. It’s just so bitterly cold now isn’t it still with no sign of moving.
I was going to go the Asda earlier on despite being desperately slippy underfoot. I got changed and was gonna put my walking boots on but they were too uncomfortable. I then looked at the soles of my everyday boots - no traction so I didn’t dare risk it so haven’t been. He rang me up and I told him I hadn’t been to shops because I was fearful of breaking my hip (Mum did). He said I read too much about what happens when you break a hip and to get my act together and get a taxi home. (Bearing he is the biggest user of the shopping). I would walk miles in bitterly cold as it’s no big deal but when safety is involved it’s another issue. So I said I wouldn’t go but offered to go and then bring home the shopping via Taxi if he funded the taxi as I pay for the shopping. No reply to that message. I made him his tea last night at tea-time and then he said he was hungry so I had to cook again at 10.30pm. I only wanted a lift with shopping bearing in mind I do everything for him and he’s got 3 vehicles. My sister often asks why I do it and it’s 50/50. I know Mum would mad if I refused but I’m also trying to keep the peace. I don’t mind doing anything at all but it’s a soulless task when Im treated as the village idiot. Anyway, enough of my whining.
Your knee cushion boards sounds interesting. If you really want something to test your patience on you could always try a diamond art kit. Goodness me they are on a whole new level. So fiddly. Like a jigsaw the best bits are when you get down to the hundred pieces or so!
Hope you get a fair bit done. Maybe down south it’s not as bad as up here for ice. Fingers crossed we’ll turn a corner soon.
I’ll try and pop back later
Be careful ! xx
Hi Beki,
You are funny! Always make me laugh (mountains of cheese and elasticated waist bands ). I have just had my parcel delivered. TAHNK YOU !!!
Straight into the chocs before opening nothing else! Burst into tears because I’m so not used to receiving kindness (awful to say that out loud but true). You really have made me smile and I think I’ll be getting in the loft and delving into the xmas stuff to get out a few chosen bits to add to the shrine for mam without it being a whole xmas thing. I’ll hang my beautiful ornaments and take picks. Love the delicate clinking. Did you visit Matilda? I can imagine you beavering away (one for Suzanne) in the snow warming yourself over the kiln. It is a bit how we’ve all found such a beautiful friendship over something so tragic. Mysterious forces are at play me thinks. x
Well done for your presentation. I couldn’t imagine doing that at all. Would have just passed out with fear before the teeth even started chattering! Being in the house with the snow has led me to think about my textiles again and will get some bits out I made in the summer and start sewing again. Can dip in and out of it like my jigsaw puzzle. If I ever have an exhibition you will all be invited! So hard to do when not part of a group (re agoraphobia). That’s why I was so impressed with the poppies, and having your craft ladies round on Friday evening. Your mam would be so proud of Beki, for living your life and enjoying it between the inevitable sadness. You are a fighter and I’m so touched by your lovely card.
Your tree is looking sumptuous and I’m looking forward to seeing the details and hearing the stories behind them. Just hope it’s still standing when you get up in the morning (Pippin and Pixie)! I know how upsetting it is for me even thinking about xmas so that must have been hard to do. But again, you’ve done it. Well done. I’ll dig through my old decs from before (when the world made sense) and show you have excessive it all was, indulging in over the top creations just because I loved xmas so much. That’s why I can’t do it now, because I’ve lost that thing in me that sparkles.
Glad to see your Gramps got home ok and it was just a tech problem. I always phoned mam as soon as I got back home after visiting them, because the road over there is so twisty and bad for accidents. I miss being that loved. Dad refused to let me phone him, to let him know I’d got home and not had an accident, saying it wasn’t necessary and he would assume I was ok! You are so lucky to have that loving bond. Enjoy it. Getting upset now again.
If you want the whole congregation of birds visiting you what I do is have feeders for the little guys and also 3 flat areas to scatter high energy seeds for wild birds and robins, peanuts, sunflower seeds, sunflower hearts (whatever they are), suet pellets and then fat balls broken up so that they can grab and run. I didn’t know that robins don’t like bird feeders and just eat from the ground. It is funny watching the baby starlings, who aren’t so little anymore, flapping about the bird feeders when they really are too big now and should just use the table. I got all my bird bits from Pets at Home. It’s been so freezing that the fat balls I didn’t crush up are frozen solid.
The snow has started to shift in the sunny bits at the top of the garden and where the birds are in the canopy. But the pond was really frozen over and even the small one so colder last night than ever. Here’s some pics from this morn:
Blue skies overhead.
Trees hang onto the last remnants of snow.
and plants struggle with the weight now it has frozen.
The overhanging bamboo is laden with icicles
and big clumps of ice now drift until the next freeze
Even the small pond was frozen, despite the sun at the top of the garden.
The lawn area has lost it’s fairytale beauty
but the pergola remains thick with snow
and dark within in contrast to the ‘outside’ light.
The berry canopy overhead has lost it’s thick blanket
and birds are free to roam again in the tangle of thick rose branches.
They sit up high in the trees waiting for treats.
Here are some little sparrows
and a bluetit from yesterday.
It’s a hive of activity watching them from the sitting room window.
The patio area has started to clear
and my pots await their Spring bulbs (just had my compost delivered).
May blue skies continue and brighten our day.
Just spotted a greedy pigeon devouring the table! There’ll be nothing left when his mates discover where he is !
I’m away up in the loft now to dig out some xmas bits and grab some textiles to stitch. Inspired !
Lots of love xxx
Hi Tina,
I really think you should stop trying to ‘keep the peace’ by doing everything because he’s totally taking you for granted. You get nothing out of it. If you stop and don’t give in see what happens. I assumed he paid for everything and the trade off was that you kept house. But you pay for it all and do everything as well. He’s a grown man but he’s so spoilt! He should be paying his share right down the middle at the very least and doing whatever he can on a weekend to help out. I’m beyond angry at thinking how he is treating you. But if he is able to continue it seems that’s exactly what he’ll do. Just don’t go shopping and when there’s no food he’ll have to go himself. I can imagine he’d get food for himself and not give you any. But if you do do a shop get a delivery. I think it’s free over £40 and if you need lots of bits in that would be easy to do. Can’t believe the cost of food now. But don’t risk trying to go out and carry it home. It’s so icy out there.
Managed to get my car started again and take some ice off the windows as the creep has gone out. Did you read my post earlier about his mate watching me from her window when I was at the car last night. She’s as obsessed as he is. What is wrong with people in this street?!
Check out my post top Beki with the pics of the garden. Snow is started to dilute and it’s sunny at the top of the garden. I’ll wait until next week and get out their for my bulbs, between rain showers. I’m quite enjoying being stuck in with my puzzle and will start my sewing again and am inspired to get a few xmas bits to add to the shrine for mam. Think I can handle a little bit without getting too upset. Will post pics when it’s done. And here’s a ‘postcard’ pic just for you. I noticed a little bluetit peeping into the birdhouse. Not sure if it will make a nest in there. Hope so, but might be too small.
Might grab a bacon buttie before I brace myself for the cold in the loft. Can’t be as bad as this morning for Suzanne up there in the wilds of Scotland.
Will pop back when I hang my decs up and take pics.
Lots of love xxx
Just had a look at the diamond art kits. How fabulous! Mam would have loved that. It makes me sad discovering things I didn’t know about before that would have made her happy. She’d have loved the old Santa and train scene. xxx
Hi guys,
Didn’t get in the loft or do much apart from my puzzle. Will do the decs tomorrow and get some textiles down. My niece texted me that the move is Sunday. Don’t knw when she’ll clear the garden in this snow. And I’m fretting about getting the fish. Don’t want her to just leave them behind. Hit me again that mam isn’t here and wondering where she is, that it doesn’t make sense. That sense of waiting is sitting with me again. Waiting for her phone call, feeling guilty every time I couldn’t answer the phone and just wanted to hide from the world. I’d give everything I have for just one chat. I don’t even have to meet her. Just to let her know I can’t bear being without her. Xmas is coming and it’s starting to be real. I’ve managed to avoid it, not going out, no shops, not seeing anyone. I seem to have been on my own for a long long time now. Nearly finished my puzzle but it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just filling in time. Feeling really lost again.