Just thought I’d come and say an early morning hello. Was occupied all last night with one crappy task after another so didn’t get back as I’d hoped.
I got the shopping done in the end after he’d told me to “get my act together and get a taxi”. I told him as I pay for the shopping you fund the taxi. 20 minutes later he text back saying he’d come and get me with the shopping. Amazing what taking a stand can do. I’d put my walking boots on to go but nearly fell twice and that was in the main busy footpaths so it hadnt even melted with the heat if the traffic and footfall. He made some derogatory comment later in the day and I just snapped that he treats me like one of the immigrant slaves in the dark ages. Anyway my brother is beginning to turn into a saga longer-running than The Sullivan’s! (Do you remember that programme!).
Photos are so atmospheric. They are lovely. If I’d have had anything nice to photograph Id post it and lift everyone’s spirits like yours but I haven’t sadly.
Shockingly Icy yet again. Must be bad as bin-men should have been Monday and haven’t. The warmest place in the house is a couple of inches underneath Zoe’s stomach!
I’m just going to put on a slow cooker meal. Cooked the sausages so just gonna do everything else. Not fully daylight yet so it’ll keep me busy till it is.
Understand your feelings totally about feeling lost again and everything that goes with it. The second I’m not “medicating” my brain with distractions the panic, sadness and negative thoughts start to run amok. Bad days, better days and crappy days, we are managing somehow. Don’t know where I’d have been without you all here.
Well I’ll go and get these ingredients prepared. Also Zoe’s not been out since Sunday and is rampaging.
Love Shakespeare and Othello is one of my favourites so will look forward to hearing all about it. I always wanted to go to the Globe Theatre but anytime I’m down no one ever wants to go with me x
A double Shakespeare whammy is not for the faint hearted lol so hats off to you and enjoy x
I am so pleased you had a nice time with your friend coming down and a good laugh and chat I find is often the best medicine x
I’ve nothing cultural planned for a wee while but often find things pop up out of the blue so will keep my eyes open x
The sun is actually out today so all that means is it’ll probably freeze tonight but I’m off for a few days so no need to get up early.
Anyway I’ll check in and see how your day went today and always love to see your photos x
Sorry to read things are bringing you down again and I’m guessing all this (sometimes OTT) festive joviality won’t be helping.
I too would give everything for just one wee conversation/word of advice but for me that’s when I’ll meditate and see what comes through…I am reminded every day she’s still with me…just this morning the timer on the oven pinged when I entered the kitchen despite being turned off and switch off…not sure what she was trying to tell me but it’ll become apparent x everyone finds their own way and although Debbie and I are different faiths….I find it does help especially during the harder days. Not saying go find religion lol but listen to your instincts as I think you’ll find your mum there x
Sun is shining up here today so Cal is loving lying in the sun…hope Porscha isn’t too cold. The pets in the store we make sure are kept warm and yesterday the store still had no water and although I’m sure we should have closed the doors as we had no running water but needless to say we had to stay open!
Away to meet a cousin (off dads side) today and haven’t seen her for years so kinda anxious about it x
Hi Suzanne
Just leaving now. I will see by the end of the evening if I am a converted Shakespeare fan or not! Only seen one of his comedies that I really liked so the big test is seeing a history play and a tragedy. Wish me luck
Will hopefully post pics tomorrow
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina,
Just lost my oomph for keeping going. Even the thought of finishing the jigsaw puzzle hasn’t got me out of bed but I was up very early with Porscha for her breakfast. Just realised how late in Dec it is. I would normally be in a shopping and wrapping frenzy. All seems so pointless.
Glad you got to the shops and made a stand against your bro. If you do it more often he’ll get the picture. Seems like he needs a firm hand to keep him on track.
Enjoy your slow cooker meal. Can’t even think about shopping.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Suzanne,
Yes, my ‘doing well’ and ‘coping’ have come to an abrupt stop. Don’t know why. No reason. Not being able to explain to mam about my anxiety being worse after they moved from the old house and my sister always fighting with my over everything meant I found it so much more difficult to be relaxed when I visited. And then when everyone turned on me because of my agoraphobia as soon as mam wasn’t there to stop them. I don’t understand why they would do that when it makes me feel so trapped and feeling guilty about all the things I couldn’t do or tried to do but was really stressed. Mam accepted whatever I was able to do or not do and didn’t question anything because she knew how hard I tried. I just need to know she understands how difficult it was. And with the creep. Nobody would acknowledge that actually was happening. None of them would be able to cope if it happened to them. I’m still in bed and even feeding the birds isn’t enough to get me up.
Enjoy your days off and seeing your cousin. It’s nice that you have family who wants to meet up. Hope you do something nice.
When I see my little robin I always think of mam and imagine it is her. But then I just think it’s a robin and mam is gone forever. And I still can’t understand where she’s gone and how that can happen.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
Enjoy today. Being immersed in history will take you into another world. I always loved Shakespeare at school. Wish you could take pics of them performing in their costumes. Looking forward to hearing all about it.
Lots of love xxx
I think the whole sister moving, you not going to your therapy/swimming etc is possibly what has contributed to your dip in spirit and it’s totally understandable.
It was nice to meet my cousin today and although she is 20 years older than me it was funny to see how similar we are in so many things and if I have her spirit in 20 years time then I will be happy x
Saw these in my garden today and thought you may like to see them. I thought they hadn’t grown this year but today was the first time I looked in the daylight.
I have come to the conclusion that your family don’t deserve you in their life. They are selfish bullies and I admire the fact that you won’t change yourself to fit in…being true to your authentic self can be lonely short term but longer term you will be happier in yourself than them x
Just thought I’d drop by and have just seen you have felt a bit down. It’s understandable, considering the 12month mark not long gone and then the changes with your family moving and the upheaval that brings. Plus I can imagine you are grounded really with the bad weather. Change of routine is the last thing we need when we are a bit fragile and vulnerable. As rubbish and upsetting as things are you always put up a fight and I hope after a good night’s sleep and a warm that you get back on an even keel again. I won’t say back to normal, but you know what I mean. I hope you get an upturn in your family relations too. I don’t get what goes on in people’s minds really. There was that big fall-out on Mums anniversary and and my Sister apologized by text twice and my brother won’t even acknowledge, let alone accept. He condemns me for not siding with him and I just say I’d rather not create bad feeling as rifts when people are older run deeper and are harder to fix. He doesn’t get that though. You can’t help feeling empathy for the Prince Harry/William right now as once they were two happy siblings. Just sad what happens over time. It’s not your fault in your case and I hope they make some kind gesture to you at Christmas.
This morning was a right farce. I’d got the vegetables ready for the slow cooker and put in the cooked sausages and went to the sink I think, turned round to see the dog taking the sausages out of the crockpot. Suppose I should be thankful as she could have knocked the crock pot off the unit top. One hour later Im washing up and look through the kitchen door and she’s dragged the hall carpet up. It would be easier to look after a dozen monkeys.
Just read the bad weather may break on Sunday/Monday. Let’s hope so.
Well I know I’ve just shared a load of codswallop as per usual so I’ll go and fill the hot water bottle and hope we don’t have burglars because it will be them screaming in terror if they clap eyes on me in my wrap up warm bed gear !!
Hi Suzanne,
Love your fairy mushrooms! How wonderful. Wondering if they’re magic!!
You always see the truth. That’s exactly how I feel. I do feel bullied and there’s no reason for the behaviour towards me. I wrestle all the time with who I am and whether I should be someone else because of them and how they see me and don’t accept me just because of me being me. I can’t be anyone else. I don’t want to be them. I like who I am and always ask myself if I would want me as a friend and I would. Both sisters have fought with me my whole life. So it’s nothing new. But I still can’t understand why my dad has done this to me. I suppose I’ll never know. Doubt if he knows it himself.
You’re right about the not getting to therapy and my lack of routine with getting out the house. Think it’s taken it’s toll on me and it’s come to a head. Had a cry today and a sleep and felt a bit better. Finished my jigsaw puzzle and looked through old pics of my xmas decs. Heartbroken when I saw mam and remembering xmases when the kids were little and things were normal. But I’ve managed to take all my Indian saris down (drapes in the doorways and canopy over the bed) to make way for a winter / xmas decor. Might get a tree for the bedroom but not sure yet. Could work if I jig things around a bit. Just wasn’t expecting to even contemplate it. But I can’t face another xmas of sitting waiting for it to be over. I’ll try. It’s all I can do. Even if I don’t decorate the tree it will be something.
I think it’s wonderful that you aspire to be like your cousin. We mature with age, grow into our ourselves, discover who we really are with time. Age is such an undervalued asset. Hope you told her. She’d be chuffed!
Lots of love xxx
Hi Tina,
I burst out laughing imagining Zoe with the sausages! She is a handful! But imagine a day not filled with her antics. Keeps you on your toes. Did you still have the veg? It’s so easy to pop my soup in the microwave when I’ve made my batches for the freezer.
I keep forgetting about my hot water bottle and now you’ve reminded me that’s what I’ll do. Nothing nicer than burning my toes and moving them to cool down before I try again. I go to bed fully dressed in a velour tracky and mams purple cardy. I’m more dressed for bed than during the day!
Was just saying to Suzanne I’m feeling a bit better and have cleared away the summer sari’s draped over the bed and doorways after I’d been looking through old xmas decs. Might get a tree for the bedroom as well as the garden. Better to try than not bother I suppose as last xmas was truly miserable. I won’t see / hear from my dad and sister again, let alone xmas. My sis up north might call but it’s like treading on egg shells because she thinks I should do as she tells me and that everything is my fault because things keep happening to me and that she agrees with my other sister that I am controlling (what is wrong with being efficient?) So the final day of the move is Sunday. Whether I see my niece is really up to her. Her boyfriend is moving away but staying with her at the new house for a week so that means she’ll not be coming with me to get my xmas tree. I’ll have to go myself. Unless Aldi still have them in. I kept asking her and there was always an excuse or no excuse and just ignoring my request. I feel so alone in life because I am. I don’t know how I ended up like this. I was always destined to be a fabulous artist at school. But I never thought I’d have such an empty life. I could never imagine mam not being here. I always imagined her to be really old and for me to be looking after her, moving in with me. I looked forward to that time of my life when it would just be the two of us. Never imagined she’d be the first one in the family to go. I was heartbroken seeing old xmas pics of us all in the old house. I was absolutely sobbing for her.
Your brother doesn’t know how lucky he is having you there with him. You’re such a treasure Tina. So kind and loving. Some people just don’t seem to see the reality around them. Your sister will give up on him and he’ll not even notice. It seems he’s so stuck in his own head he can’t connect with you or your sis. Maybe’s he doesn’t understand it himself. But it doesn’t excuse his behaviour.
Monday / Tuesday is going to rain and get up to 12 / 13 so hoping to crack on inbetween showers with my bulbs. Hopefully the snow will be gone and things can return to normal. But then I realise it’s nearly xmas and start to panic and then wonder why. If I can get a coupe of microwave xmas dinners that will do and some puds. Mam always made a layered shortcrust with pineapple and cream dessert. It was my fave. I could buy biscuits and just throw the whole thing together. But probably won’t be able to face eating it as it would remind me of her and I’d be too upset. I start thinking about trying and then give up, like it’s too much effort, too painful.
Porsch is peeping at me through the curtain, waiting to go in the kitchen for a bite. Will do my hot water bottle while I’m in there.
Lots of love xxx
Hi everyone
Unfortunately my theatre day did not go to plan yesterday as I ended up in hospital !
Apparently I blacked out about half an hour through Henry V and came round lying on the floor.
Fortunately there were three trainee doctors also watching the play and they saw me collapse and rushed over to help. When I woke I had blurred vision, was sick and had hardly any pulse and no colour.
Couldnt get an ambulance so the Globe theatre phoned me a taxi which they also paid for and was taken to St Thomas’s hospital. I had low temperature and blood pressure and they were very concerned . I actually got seen straight away.
Thankfully I got better quickly and am my normal self now. Got home 9.30pm.
The cause must have been the heat in the theatre and the play was in candlelight which affected my eyes. Found out after that others have been taken unwell there too . That 's the Globe’s indoor playhouse they use for Winter.
The trainee doctors who helped came and booked me in at the hospital and one of them phoned me later to see if I was OK. Cant fault the staff at the hospital at all. Mum had a heart bypass at the same hospital over twenty years ago.
Included some pics taken when I arrived.
Sending love and best wishes to you all
Neil x
Bless you Neil, I hope your feeling better today. It’s not quite how you wanted your experiences of Shakespeare to go, but thank goodness for the kindness of others looking after you.
Sending love
Debbie x x
Hi Debbie
Yes much better thanks. Gave me a bit of a scare. Have certainly had much better theatre experiences. As you say it does show the kindness of others
Hope you have a good day
Love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil,
Oh my love! At least you are ok now and thank goodness for the docs on hand. Kind of the theatre to pay for your taxi too and the hospital seeing you straight away (they couldn’t not). Shakespeare was always very dramatic! You added to the flavour of the experience!! Sure it won’t put you off going to see Shakespeare again, just perhaps avoid that venue, though it is a beautiful building. How are you doing now? Do you think a follow up with tests through the GP as an ongoing care plan might be in order, to give you peace of mind if nothing else? You don’t want that happening at home on your own. That sort of thing terrifies me. Are you eating enough? Please take extra care of yourself, especially in this cold. That is very concerning.
When I checked my camera today to see if the creep had gone found him with pointing to my camera and getting another bloke to photograph them. So I now know for defo that he knows they’re there and will probably complaint to the council. It as the Police and Council who told me to get evidence of his sneaking about, hiding behind the hedge, watching me in the dark etc. Involving other people as if he is the victim of me (and of course no one will believe what he has done to me) is very concerning. Bullying, intimidation, pack mentality all spring to mind. This is what happens when I report him and fight back. hope he is exposed for who he is but he obviously has peeps fooled because I don’t chat to peeps and have no one saying that I’m not a nut and telling the truth. Will have to wait and see what happens from now on. Might have to put my cameras higher to get better footage now they know they’re there. Will go out and clean my windows too! when I’m dressed. It’s like a game of chess where this is my move. I can do nothing and sit and wait or I can make my own move. When challenged I fight back and now have the email of the enforcement officer (because of the awful woman across the road getting her son to park in my disabled bay when I’m not at home). Can’t think of a worse situation to be living in. All I want is a peaceful life.
Will pop back later and see how you are.
Lots of love xxx
Planning on cleaning windows when dressed and hope the creep doesn’t arrive back or his mate/woman comes out to confront me. I’ve never experience living amongst such passive aggressive peeps (and also outright aggression which luckily has stopped since the behaviour orders). I find it incredible what peeps can get away with. He clearly doesn’t like the spotlight on him, preferring to creep about watching women in the dark (I can’t be the only one). Would be delighted if his mate found him creeping watching her!
Off now to grab some courage and just get on with it. Wish me luck.
Lots of love xxx
Good lord Neil wasn’t expecting that (and of course neither were you!) x I am so pleased to hear you are ok and feeling better…you must have been perishing for that to happen. Thanks to the trainee drs and theatre staff x
You doing ok now or do you have any follow up appointments? x
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