I took the tree down yesterday, all packed away even my door wreath which usually gets forgotten. I’ve bought some fresh flowers to brighten the room. Doug always used to get me flowers every week and I’ve just carried on getting them.
I’ve had a busy weekend, it was messy church on Friday, and we had fifteen children the most we have had, we were all doing the theme of winter and snow. I got them to make paper snowmen, the other crafts were making paper snowflakes decorated with glitter. Using small and large marshmallows and cocktail sticks to make more snowflakes, icing pictures on biscuits and colouring in sheets. They had a short talk about how snow falls and each flake is different and unique as everyone of them are. Finished off with soup, bread roll and an ice lolly. It was a good evening. Then Saturday I was tidying the house after taking down all the decorations. Today was church this morning, it was my turn on the coffee rota.
My daughter came to visit me this afternoon with our granddaughter the one that dances. They had a water leak in their bathroom, water had been pouring out most of the night, soaked the upstair hall carpet and pouring through their dinning room ceiling. She is so calm even in the midst of a diaster. I would be devastated at all the water damage.
She got a rug doctor to soak up all the water out the carpets and is coming to clean my carpets for me tomorrow while they have it on hire. She is a good girl I am blessed with both my children.
I love the Indian textiles Such beautiful colours and makes the room seem so cosy. You are one classy lady.
It’s back to work tomorrow, still only 190 school days left now.
Just going to get some cheese and crackers for tea and think about packed lunch for tomorrow.
Hi Neil,
Just wanted to check in to see how you are. I find the new year very quiet time, it makes you think about the past and what lies ahead. I hope you enjoy the theatre this week and this time get to see it all. My daughter has just booked tickets to see Beauty and the Beast in February. That’s the one my granddaughter is in.
Sending love
Debbie xx
I am here at last. Was going to pop in on Friday evening but came down with a migraine and was I. Bed at 9.30pm and then slept for about 14 hours. Last night could t sleep, seems to be all or nothing with my sleep. The migraine is totally in line with hormones, the gift that keeps giving!
Went to the hospital on Friday for blood test. Was in and out. Wore mums necklace as just needed some oomph and as I left there was a women ahead of me in red top and jeans like mum would wear and walking with two crutches and it sounded just like mum. I actually found it oddly comforting
This weekend I have been hit with the orgnarising bug every now and then and have done kitchen cupboards and things.
Just realised I havent seen a soul this weekend and suddenly felt very sad and lonely. That said if I had visitors I would be moaning I didn’t have the time to myself! It’s that feeling like in bank holidays that everyone is off happily and we have dropped off the edge of the earth.
@christine51 those textiles are absolutely stunning. I am making mums bedroom into a meditation/spare room and am going for that hippie style myself. I may have to commission a piece of you!
@Tina19 rhat latch kit is looking good so far, can definitely see flowers taking shape. Are you enjoying it? I do find crocheting very relaxing.
As you say Christine when the decs come down the house can feel very bare. I started a tradition I would always get mum a bright bouquet for the 6/7th Jan to brighten the room and am continuing that myself. Am really pleased with them, delivered from M&S and bursting with flowers though I went for their cheaper £35 bunch
Did I tell you my bosses dad died just before New Year. When I visited the office in Spain in Sept we had a drink one evening and a heart to heart. Her dad was defying expectations but she knew he was weakening and would have to face losing him. Sadly he fell before Christmas and never recovered. I am giving her all the top tips we’ve learned and that whatever she feels is right. She is coming back to work tomorrow but I will nag her to take plenty of rest and time off as needed. Will support as much as possible.
January is a tough month mentally and physically. So extra big hugs to all
Hi Debbie,
Do you have room for a little one in your messy play at church? I would have loved ! to be part of your inter theme. Always loved arts and crafts at school. Was intrigued how mam always managed to create beautiful consetina cut out patterned snowflakes for the ceiling. Have to admit I’d be scoffing a lot of the marshmallows so wouldn’t have many snowmen! Your church things are a lot more fabulous than what I remember mine to be. Probably why I refused to keep going in the end. You’ll be able to do lots more church things when you retire and could do a weekend or evening creche as an addition if you had the time. I’m sure the parents would love dropping off the kids so they could do a shop or whatever. Could be a money spinner for the church.
Well done with the decs. And I think it is lovely to keep Dougs tradition going of getting flowers each week. I always picked big bunches of flowers for mam from her garden and there was so much I always had an armful to bring home. I still feel so sad that they left the old house and their beautiful garden. I would love to be able to just sit in it and remember mam as she was.
When I started reading about the leak my reaction was OMG! so for your daughter to remain calm is quite baffling to me. But those carpet cleaners are good. Mam had one. It’s quite a lot of work, very heavy and you have to keep refilling the liquid but the results are good. You really are blessed with your children Debbie. I wish my sister hadn’t been fighting with me all the time so I would have reacted and for mam to have been involved. I never understood what was happening and why. Still don’t. But it must have caused mam a lot of upset which was unnecessary.
Thank you for your lovely comments on my textiles. They evolve over time and I become immersed in them with so many hours of hand sewing. I have a whole series to stitch now commenting on Womanhood, Sexuality and Indepenance. I’m hoping to get them stitched by end of month. I usually create batches over the winter so I can photograph works against the house from Spring onwards (weather permitting). I do love the Indian range with it’s colours, patterns, sparkle and abstract design. I’m gradually getting back to working again but it’s so hard to commit to when I’m feeling that nothing has any meaning now. I’m sure I’ll get there. I’ve mostly slept this weekend so hope I am revived to start afresh tomorrow.
Counting down the days won’t make them go faster but you can see how many are behind you now. Does it include weekends and hols or is that the actual work day numbers? I’m so nosy! Did you get the awful printer working?
I was amazed that the leak in the loft isn’t streaming and the paper I’ve packed against the wall seems to be plugging it up. Raining all week so no chance of getting it repaired soon. Torrential downpours kept waking me up today but I timed it well getting my bins out.
Feeling a lot better than I was and more upbeat now for starting a new week.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Beki,
I love your expression about the migraine being a gift that keeps giving! Made me laugh. Like you I have been asleep most of the weekend. Just can’t shake it off. It’s like Suzanne weighty blanket. But I feel better for all the sleep. Comes in waves and then I recover my energy. My sister gets proper migraines. People don’t realise how debilitating they are. Hope you are recovered now.
I like that you took comfort in seeing the lady at the hospital. I never know whether I’m going to burst out crying or go to a secret place where mam sits and be with her in my head when I get an unexpected trigger. Pleased it was a swift thing for the blood tests. I have my consultation referral in March to sort out my high iron in the blood. Makes no sense other than to have been on iron tablets for years and it seems overdosed on them because regular blood testing wasn’t done. This goes way back to having chemo treatment so it was literally years of feeling tired and having iron to give me enough energy to get through the day. Fingers crossed I don’t need a blood transfusion to get rid of some of the iron rich blood.
Your thing about not having seen a soul all weekend struck me because that is my existence now that my sister and dad want nothing to do with me. I see and speak to nobody all week, apart from my therapist once a week for 1 hour and then swimming (but I avoid talking to anyone because I feel so fragile emotionally). There is an online community for agoraphobia, similar to this, and someone said that it is ok to be alone in life, to not want to go out and be doing stuff or to be with other people. It is all about perspective and how you organise your time (very well done on the kitchen cupboards!) and whether you need to interact physically with others to maintain a healthy balance of well being / happiness. I’ve always craved freedom to do as I please and being alone gives me that. But having nothing to balance it with means I do feel alone when I’m not busy. I still hear my sister telling me that people who live alone die early, but she also said she would love having free time to do nothing. Green eyed monster I think. I also remember the film ‘About a Boy’ where Hugh fills in segments of time. I’ve become very aware of time after mam. Also remember that everyone else isn’t always living their best life while you aren’t included. I think the constant media postings on Instagram etc make everyone think they are having a shit time and everyone else is bursting with happiness when it just isn’t true. I hate fake lives on the internet. I only post what I’m doing on here because it helps to add interest and inspires doing as it does for with with everyone’s posts. Sorry, I seem to have got carried away with that bit. I’m just very aware of being alone and how I fill in my time. Hoping next week sees a return to swimming regularly and sewing.
Chuffed to bits that you like my textiles. These pieces are huge and have evolved over time. I always fail to jot down my hours. Maybe you could gather a selection for your mams favourite clothes, cushions, bedding etc to have a patchwork tapestry created with some mirrors (like the one above the fishtank) so it becomes a tranquil space in which to sit and reach your mam on a deeper level. You could add a small table with orchids (some beautiful fake ones around) for an exotic feel and add small buddhas within the setting for a garden retreat. Layering within a theme will create a wonderful ambience. Add candles (battery) and fairy lights. A big velvet floor cushion or bright yoga mat would have impact. Add bright colours (one to each wall) for an Indian setting. Add in some joss sticks and tranquil music and you’re all set. I can imagine it now! Let me know nearer the time if you wanted me to create a hanging. There are loads of online shops dealing in inexpensive Indian objects. Pretty sari’s and Indian design bedding can be just as effective. This could be your project and shrine room to your mam. I’m so envious that you have a whole room to dedicate to your mam / well being. You could start your own meditation space as an extra to your bereavement group (anything started on that?).
Your flowers for your mam are beautiful and lovely colours. I’m still hanging onto the last of my reds from xmas. Always sad when they’re on their way out. Your colours remind me of mams bunch of silk flowers she had on the table all year round, pressies we kept adding bits to. Beautiful! Buying flowers, whether it is for ourselves or our mams, is an act of wellness. Brightens my day every time I go in the kitchen. I just noticed my crysanths were sparkled with a little bit of gold glitter.
You are a good friend Becki. Your boss will really appreciate all your loving support and top tips on starting this awful journey. She might see her determination to carry on with work diminish as reality sets in. I am always amazed at how people can be productive at work (because they have to be) despite having their world torn apart. It is truly amazing that we have the courage and strength to continue at all. Makes me want to have a good chat to myself and stop faffing about with my sewing and just get on with it with a proper daily timetable. Otherwise I’ll just drift and not achieve anything. I always felt like I was leaving mam behind if I was able to do my textiles but it’s like the gardening, filling in time to get me through the day. And the more I have to do the quicker the time will go. So that is my plan from tomorrow. Can’t believe today is nearly over again. I rarely see daylight at the mo.
Bigs hugs to you too with lots of love xxx
I have 345 days if I count weekends and school holidays, I have a countdown clock on my phone. 190 is just school days left.
Yes, my photocopiers are working, slowly getting used to them, but there are alot of things the old copiers did, that the new ones don’t. Which is frustrating, as I take pride in my work and not being able to do a good job just gets to me. As one of the teacher said if I didn’t care about the job so much it wouldn’t bother me.
I hope you don’t have too long a wait before your chimney repair gets done.
Hi debbie,
My mam always said, ‘if a job is worth doing it’s worth doing well’ or something like that (I really should have paid more attention when I had the chance). I think so many people only do what they can get away with and not really take pride in it. It shows when you do a good job. The people around you see it and think more of you. Glad they’re working at last. If the people creating the technology actually asked for input from the people using the machines they would have a better working product. Bit like the government, out of touch with reality!
Just think, every school day you do now will never be repeated next year. I wonder what mam thought when she retired. I was too busy elsewhere to have asked her. But she did love me going over and doing the garden together, popping out to garden centres etc. I miss doing stuff with her, spending the time together, being busy in my week going over there. I wish I could tell her everything I miss. But when it comes down to it, it’s just missing my mam because she is the most precious person I have ever loved. Bet your children think the same. You are so lovely !
Found the group Christine. Its such a lovely idea. Love your garden I am going to do something when i feel a bit better. Your photos are amazing and have inspired me to do something Thank you
Hi Suzanne,
Saw 2 foxes mooching about the garden today as I frantically got dressed for the workmen turning up unannounced to do the chimney. Thought of you and all the amazing wildlife you see. I had been putting food out for them but wasn’t sure if the budadah (as I like to call him) was eating the food so I stopped. They must be hungry to be out at lunchtime in the back gardens.
Porsch is not at all happy with all the noise. She doesn’t know what is occuring. So she’s pretending to sleep with her ears pinned back.
Feeling very anxious as it will take about 3 hours and they will keep needing water for the cement. Mam always did this for me or was with me.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Becky,
How wonderful! I loved picnics with my dolls and bears. You could do a full on childhood experience with old mismatched china (think of the specials do’s they put on at the chateau in France for guests / weddings / celebrations). You could ask the community to dig out their unused old bits and bobs (not too precious as they might get damaged). The more pattern and colour the better. Little cakes (jam tarts and assorted Mr. Kiplings), fizzy pop and tiny sandwiches. Guests can include not just bears but also old china dolls, girls world (I chopped all the hair off mine!), barbie and cindy, add in an old pram if you have one. You could ask charity shops if they have anything they could loan you. Set it all out on a lawn on a blanket and take assorted pics to then get a variety of prints made in colour, blank and white, sepia. You’ll need to get a high resolution on the camera for quality prints. You could create old postcards as individuals or a pack of 5. A full scene and then individual details would work. I did this for my textiles to create a collection per series of works. Set up the scene at your venue and then have samples of the postcards to order. There will be lots of online venues to print off or you could approach a college. When I had my first breast cancer surgery I paid a student £20 to film my surgery for me so I could refer to it in my work. Where is the event being hosted? You could have a small fee on the door and serve tea/ coffee/ cake/ little sarnies to replicate the scene. So exciting! Let me know what other ideas there are and how your evening goes. Lucky thing! Wish I was having a ladies night.
I think the 2 foxes might be living in my rabbit hutch stuffed with straw because they were there again around 4pm after the men had finished (only took about an hour). They look young. I put lots of catfood out for them. I also have my green bin on it’s side for shelter if they need it in this weather. The rain has stopped for today but turned really cold again.
Got stuck into some sewing at last! Feel better for getting some work started and it was nice looking out onto the garden (that’s how I spotted the foxes again) with Porsch snoozing next to me. Had to move her to the back of the house because she was so distressed and trying to pretend she wasn’t bothered. But she enjoyed sitting with me next to the radiator.
Nice touch with the jigsaw for Grandad. I gave up on mams xmas one as it was really hard. Will tackle that again next xmas. I don’t remember doing it so it must have been new or so hard that mam also gave up.
First of all I can’t get over all those sparkly fabrics on the wall. They are so sumptuous and shiny. I adore sequins and glitter so you can imagine my reaction on seeing them!
I’ve been doing some more of the rug kit in-between other stuff that forever needs doing and it’s like you say, once you get a technique you can build up a bit of speed. I don’t use the latch kit pen, just the tweezers! I’d like to see my niece’s reaction when I tell her I’ve been using tweezers as she’s the one that bought the kit for me!
Not much else (nice things) happening at the moment. Just seem to be lethargic mostly. I need to get a lot of weight lost quickly I think. I’m not showing myself much self-care with the size I’m getting. Or maybe I’m showing myself TOO MUCH self-care with all the comfort biscuit-eating! Trying to make more healthy meals in the slow cooker but when I added up the calorie content I could have had a takeaway instead!
Hi Tina,
Lovely to see you, as always, and it’s fab that you’re really getting into your rug making. I actually got quite a bit of sewing done today and look forward to making some headway with the bags waiting for me in the loft. The repetetive nature of hand stitch builds a rhythm and I become absorbed in it. Time wizzes by and I find I have run out of time when I don’t finish a piece when evening tv starts. It replaces the gardening in that it fills my day. I knew you’d love all the sparkle. Those pieces are all hand stitched and took months to create. They’re years old now but some of my favourites. Feels like I’m wrapped up when I’m in the sitting room. It’s like being in a sparkly womb. Quite therapeautic.
I have my therapy tomorrow and will force myself to swim afterwards or I’ll just never go back. So hard finding the motivation. I don’t even enjoy it when I’m doing it. I keep thinking in segments of 10 mins with a total of half an hour. I stopped going because I was so very tired. Still am. And I still feel bloated with all the extra food and treats over xmas. Got a shop delivery today (in the middle of the chimney repair) with no treats. So if I want any I’ll have to go out to get them. Keep going with your cooking pot. It will be healthier than a take away (and cheaper!)
Will pop in tomorrow. At least the rain stopped today and now my chimney is repointed (cemented in between bricks) I shouldn’t have a leak to check on with every downpour. Will look out for my little foxes in the morn. Hope to get a pic. They’re very small so might be young.
Lot of love and kisses to the boisterous babe! xxx
Hi everyone
Tuesday a pretty crap day for me as always. Got a Universal Credit appt tomorrow and they have been causing me some problems and not listening .
Getting out on Thursday with my first ever visit to the very prestigious Donmar Warehouse theatre and seeing a play Watch On The Rhine which was last in London back in the 1940s. Got my double show and finally seeing my other play at the National that I had to cancel last time as I went to hospital. By the way the ticket for the Donmar was only a tenner- there are bargains about!
Anyway hope your days have been as good as can be. Been dull and raining here most of the day
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
I hope UC meeting isn’t to much hassle, I’ve recently had problems with them when my employer didn’t put my wages through to the tax office in time. So UC overpaid me kept telling them not too. Then they had the cheek to call me to a back to work interview. I know I’ve got to repay them when I phoned up to do it, they said I was too quick as the system hadn’t been updated, so got to wait until I get a letter though the post. Roll on my next birthday when I retire and can come off UC to start getting my state & works pension.
Oh Christine I am so jealous of you seeing the foxes but yeah unfortunately they are starting to venture out at all times now just to see what food they can get. It’s a shame as we are building on their territory and destroying their land and then we get pissed off at them for coming out looking for food….such a shame x
I had heard of a new badger sett not far from me in the village and have been meaning to have a wander down and see if I can find it but was driving to work and noticed a dead one in the middle of the main A9 but have never ever seen one there….dead or alive. Defo need to have a wander on my next day off that’s fair.
How are your crafts coming along? The one you last described sounded very time consuming x
Hi Debbie
Havent had too much trouble with UC up until now but they keep changing my work coach( used to have a really good one) and they dont listen to me. Hopefully the appt will go better than expected tomorrow.
At least I have theatre to look forward to on Thursday!
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Evening Neil,
Hope Tuesday evening is finding you a bit better but I thought the UC people were being a bit more sympathetic so am sorry to read that they are not listening again x hopefully when you get a face-to-face with them they’ll not be so stubborn.
Your play on Thursday sounds very interesting especially if not been on since 1940s…not sure it sounds like my kind of thing but I really want to know your verdict and hope you get to see your second play this time round with no mishaps x
Don’t have anything planned just now show wise but they appear like buses…nothing then multiple ones all at once lol x
Hi Suzanne
I was getting on quite well with UC until and had some extra help with my CV and gave me time out for bereavement counselling . I was being helped by a company called Maximus for all this after asking to be referred. Now UC are trying to put me on the Restart programme when my advisor said there wouldnt be any problems being referred to Work and Health programme which was similar to what I was doing. I qualify for this as an ex carer for that bit of extra support but my new workcoach doesnt really listen .
For £10 I dont mind what I see at the Donmar because I’ve tried so hard to get tickets over the years and finally did it. A real bucket list theatre. The play opens this evening . Only about 200 seats roughly and one of the most prestigious theatres in London.
Finally getting to see the other play at the National too!
A friend and neighbour has asked me to help pick him up from hospital in London a week today as he is having a biopsy as shown signs of prostate problems and is anxious about it. If hes alone then he wont be allowed home. Going up on the train and waiting until he comes out and going back by taxi. He said he is paying all the fares and just grateful someone will be there with him.
Hope you have had a good a day as possible
Speak again soon
Love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil,
I got a terrible fright yesterday when I got home after therapy and swimming. I had randomly texted my niece as I hadn’t heard from her in over a week to see if there was any news on the furniture moving from the old to new house. They had already moved at the weekend and nobody told me. So I have to get the fish today. My nephew will get them for me because I can’t go in the garden as my sister, dad and her friend will be there clearing the garden. It’s like I don’t exist. I’m doing her a favour by taking the fish. I wonder if she was just going to leave them behind. My niece is going to stay with her boyfriend so I won’t see her for a while, if I even see her again. But I did speak to her because I rang and also said hello to my little nephew. I doubt I will see any of them again. How can they not tell me what is going on when I am the only one who can take the fish? There’s other bits too at the house which are mine. I wonder if I hadn’t texted her they would have moved completely and I wouldn’t have known. Mam would be so upset at how they are treating me. Dad has to pass my house to go to the old house. They’ve made it very clear that I really have been excluded from the family. I don’t even want to go today incase any of them come out to the car. I’ll have to park away from the house and my nephew bring the fish etc to to me. I wonder if I shouldn’t bother at all but then the fish would die. I’m so upset.
I’m pleased you have your theatres coming up. It will be especially nice to see the one again from when you had your funny turn. You are a magpie for a bargain ticket. A tenner doesn’t stretch far these days. Very well done! Hope you really enjoy it. I forgot to mention you could visit the chapel inside the UCL hospital when you are next in London. I went there for my first lot of breast cancer and would sit in the beautiful old space after my daily radiotherapy treatment, light a candle and contemplate what was happening. But mostly I would just sit quietly. It’s nearly thirty years now. Can’t believe it’s been that long.
I think the foxes are living under the xmas tree because my pots and fleece have been moved. Had to repot the large tub that had been turned over. I thought they might have gone in the rabbits hutch up the garden. All the cat food I put out has been eaten but they left the cat biscuits. Hope to see them again. And if I do get the fish I hope they don’t eat them!
Just checked out the weather forecast for Thursday for you. Not bad with some light rain. Will be on and off for the next week.
Hope you get the UC appts sorted out. If they actually listened to people it would be a lot less stressful all round. It’s all about targets and statistics and not real people. The people who set these things up are so out of touch with reality. Try to contain it and not let it spoil the rest of your week. I know that is easier said than done.
I got very upset this morning thinking of mam. I just wish she was here so I could talk to her. I feel so alone without her here.
Lots of love xxx
but have never ever seen one there….dead or alive. Defo need to have a wander on my next day off that’s fair.
x
x