Hi Neil 
Not sure what I expected the stage to be like but I can see why you say it was immersive x looks like you had a nice day too judging by the photos x
Must be your birthday next weekā¦is it Wed or Thurs? Do you have any plans for it? x
Iāve got my first Osprey Watch tomorrow so looking forward to that and all being well I have another shift on Saturday morning at 6am!! I donāt know why I agree let alone choose these shifts 
x
You up to anything this weekend? x Iām heading to my pals for pizza and to watch the Mandalorian so will check in again tomorrow and let you know how my first watch goes x
Thank you for posting your show photos 
x
Take care and much love 
x
4 Likes
Hello all !!!
Been looking through my pics of the garden (was out there last week I think) and feel quite hopeful again with Springtime arriving. It feels like Iāve been gone for ages and I know I have a lot to catch up on but wanted to post while I feel able as Iāve not been able to despite wanting to. Missed you all! Iāll catch up properly tomorrow.
My little robin is very busy nesting in the buddha head outside the kitchen door (smashed during delivery). Iām sure itās mam keeping an eye on me! Hope so. Got some lovely pics.
I keep a ready supply of bird seed, mealy worms, fat pellets and balls for all the hungry workers and babies.
It was nice and sunny while I was clearing the patio
with blue skies overhead.
Porsch enjoyed sitting out too.
Lovely to see trees in bud
and my climbing rose overhead
.
The climbers are really sprouting
and I have lots of tubs to plant out
with one flower already
My cherry blossom has flowered for the first time
and here are a variety of āfirstsā:
daffodil and blue grape,
buttercups,
Sweet William (Mamās fave and mine). Reminds me of the plush velvet parties dresses she made us. Mine was blue and my sisterās was rust orange/brown. Lovely.
Hyacinths are doing well
New bulbs in tubs are growing each day
Pansies are starting to come out to play
and I have new growth on the irises
and peonies.
My ālawnā (if you can really call it that! is lined in jewels of colour
Delighted to see my strawberries have survived under their fleece over winter
Iāll use the fleece to make new bunting for the patio as my lovely lace flags have seen better days.
I took my fave chub chair and sofa to the skip
so I can clean and cement the patio slabs to stop the bird seed growing in the shingle between (mucky job Iām not looking forward to doing).
The messy hedgehogs have certainly made themselves at home
and are enjoying the cat food I put out each night. Off to do that now.
Looking at my pics has reconnected me to you all again. Iāve felt so lost and alone and so upset about mam. Nothing I do fills the hole.
Debbie, I got your lovely Easter card and it made me smile and cry at the same time because itās just like the ones mam used to give. I tried to keep the mini eggs but that didnāt last long! Thank you. I love choclate.
Suzanne, hope youāve had a fab birthday and have treated yourself to something nice.
Iām sure Iāve missed so much and have lots to catch up on so will be back tomorrow. You have no idea how relived I feel to be back!
Oh, and hereās mamās Mothers day daffs
and card.
I am still surprised at how many layers the sadness has. Itās so overwhelming. I become immersed in it, despite pockets of being busy. But hopefully I can get back to a routine again where my day is filled with things to take me a bit further away from it so Iām not drowning again. I certainly have lots of jobs waiting for me now that Spring has arrived!
Love you all ! xxx
7 Likes
Hi Suzanne
That floor was full of people from the audience by the time the show started and the actors were coming in and out with the stage changing shape each time . Was a total sell out last night and had the House Full signs up ready.
Birthday on Easter Sunday. Treated myself to a birthday cake( chocolate) in case I dont get one this year. Made sure I have now !
Nothing planned this weekend
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
4 Likes
Hello sweetie yer Iām ok mum sadly passed away on the 10th march she was so peaceful I miss her so much the funeral isnāt until the nearly the end of April my tears strangely have stopped Iām putting this down to the fact that I spent five monthās greiving for my mum even though she hadnāt gone but I think Iāve done so much crying that I Just canāt cry any more I feel so guilty for not crying I do miss my mum Im keeping my self too busy and then Iām too tired to cry but Iām scared of the funeral soundās odd Iām thinking that Iām going to literally break or maybe Iāve had so much greif that Iāve come immune to the heartache my beautiful mum has her wish of two white horses and a carriage thatās the one thing she has always wanted Just wish I could tell her that Iāve made another wish come true for her xx
4 Likes
Dear Christine, am new here - wanted to thank you for creating this thread and have been reading all the posts for some time now.
Wanted to let you know that am pleased youāve sent a message again and love the pictures youāve sent of your robin! Amazing to see him so close up! And really liked seeing pics of your garden and your lovely cat too xxx
3 Likes
Hi Kirsty,
I canāt imagine having had to wait that long for the funeral x. I can empathise with the exhaustion and no tears left as I remember being like that. I found by the time the funeral came (and I only had two weeks to wait) I felt more nervous about what I thought people would expect of me eg cry/not cry, shake hands at the end etc in the end I found it slightly easier (if thatās the word) than I feared x
I hope come your day and with the stunning farewell that you have planned it will be a celebration of her life and happy memories x donāt be forced into doing anything you donāt want to x
How are you coping day to day? Are you back to work (if you work of course)?
Take care of yourself and hopefully chat soon x
2 Likes
Hiya
Thank you for posting and we have all been blessed Christine started this thread over a year agoā¦absolutely crazy x
Hope you are coping with your loss as much as you can.
Take care of yourself
3 Likes
Thank you Suzanne, itās so so hard and miss and yearn for my mother so very very much. Difficult to talk to others but know that you all sadly understand all too well hereā¦
Thinking of all of you tooā¦
3 Likes
Feel free to tell us as much or as little about your mum and your grieving journey as you feel you can x
Thinking of you x
3 Likes
Thanks for your kind words Suzanne. I miss my mother so muchā¦
Am finding it very hard to accept and always think more could have been done medically and even things better emotionally - so much wanted the best for herā¦
Trying to take things one very small step at a time.
Difficult to do anything much - have to force myself to do thingsā¦
Thanks again and my thoughts to you all xxx
4 Likes
Hi Beki,
Iām so sorry I missed being here for your mamās anniversary. I always seem to be questioning why Iām feeling or not feeling or how Iām reacting etc. Thereās no right way to react. Someone said however we feel is the natural way to be and I take some comfort in that. It is exhausting and giving into sleeping when you need to is good in your recovering. Iām glad you have such a good bond with your granddad and that you can support each other. I think being alone at home most of the time cements the trauma and I just keep getting sucked back in. Itās like quick sand and I canāt find a way out. But reading and posting again is a start to getting back on track. Iāve missed you all ! Getting out in the garden and seeing my Spring flowers starting to bloom makes me hopeful.
Lots of love xxx
4 Likes
Hi Palou,
Nice to meet you. Itās strange finding friendship in such a dark place. Iām pleased youāre enjoying my garden pics . Itās lovely seeing my robins nesting just outside the kitchen door in the old buddha head. I watched to see where they were going as theyād been busy for days. Keeping the birds fed is my daily routine and always lifts my spirit. Itās lovely seeing my bulbs opening. I have so many jobs to do and am looking forward to getting busy in the garden again. Being stuck inside over winter has taken itās toll but Iām hoping I can start posting again with regular updates and pics like I was doing before. Iāve really missed everyone here. Sometimes the grief takes hold and wonāt let me go. Whatever we can do to keep going is precious. I always marvel at how strong people are. Grief is the hardest thing I have ever endured. Itās like a secret. We could have never prepared for the intensity and shock of it. But being here is comforting and posting helps. Welcome xxx
4 Likes
Hi Debbie,
I completely understand about the pond. Could you get everyone round with bags of compost and plants and make a day of it, revamping the areas that need boosting? Maybeās have a tea party in honour of Doug to celebrate his love of the pond? The kids would love it and you have such a loving family. I think to let it go would be heartbreaking for you. Itās the perfect time with Easter coming up and it could be an ongoing project you could all enjoy. I was always involved in the old garden and helped mam with everything from planting bulbs, picking fruit, weeding (my fave job because itās so satisfying) and watering (2 hours to get round it all). If the family know how devastated you will be Iām sure they will help to keep it going. Many hands make light work is very true. A couple of hours would see it done and you would feel happy and relieved again. Itās a living shrine.
Iām hoping to get cracking on cleaning up the patio and arranging my pots which are starting to burst with colour. The winter has taken itās toll and Iām determined to get out and make an effort again. Iāve really missed you all and posting my updates on my garden adventures. I need to buy plants for my pond and encourage the frogs and toads again. I read somewhere that cress is easy to grow. Mam always had a cress on the kitchen window so Iāll try that when it turns a bit warmer. Iāve just put most of my winter woolies in the loft and weāre due an arctic blast again.
I think youāre more than ready for your Easter break off work. Just a thought. Could your church become a gardening inspiration for the kids? Maybeās a couple of hours at yours with a cupcake and bottle of pop for some planting if the soil is prepared? That would drive me mad trying to supervise but you are so well organised with your activities. Could be a regular thing for them to be involved in nature. All kids love water and if they plant up the outside they can watch it all develop over time, through the seasons. Another avenue to explore. Youāll have so much free time when you do retire I think youād regret getting letting the pond go. And it is such a wonderful thriving part of the garden. To cut down on work elsewhere you could let areas go a bit wild to encourage natural habitation. My robins were only attracted to the buddha head because of the ivy.
Hope you are feeling a bit more hopeful today. Youāll be getting out into the garden more when the weather improves. Itās so therapeatic.
So pleased Iām starting to post again. Missed you all x
Lots of love xxx
4 Likes
Hi Neil,
Iām back! Just catching up with you all. I have so much to read. Iāve been so immersed in grief again and donāt know why itās so brutal after all this time (18th week of mams 2nd year). I kept thinking that the more I was doing the more diluted grief was becoming but I was deceiving myself into thinking I was āgetting on with lifeā when I was just distracting myself. The swimming and creating new textiles work still feels āemptyā but I felt much better for seeing my niece and nephew. Being so isolated and cut off from the rest of the family has really taken itās toll. My sister up north is very busy but I do get the occasional text in reply to mine every so often and Iām always thrilled to hear from her.
I think itās great that you keep going with your love of theatre and the arts. I seem to have a good run and feel like Iām doing well and then come to a stop. This āstopā has been going for a while but Iām pleased to get back to you all again. Iāve really missed you!
Glad to know when your birthday is so I can send you a card, even if it is a virtual one. And well done for getting a chocky cake. I canāt wait for my treats and have them as soon as I pop my shopping away. I have no willpower! Iāll be ordering Easter eggs for the children and hope to see them over Easter but canāt guarantee how long the eggs will last ! I always used to eat half of my sisterās Easter egg and then cover the missing bit with the foil again, turning it round so nobody would notice. Sheād be furious and Iād always pretend it wasnāt me and blame the shop for selling dodgy goods!!! Chocolate is my one vice.
I do admire your determination to keep going. Just posting today has been a real effort. Itās not that I havenāt missed you all and not wanted to post like I was. Everything has been an struggle. I think I realised that whatever I do wonāt fill the void or ease the pain of missing mam.
I always think of you when I get flowers for mam and wonder how long theyāll last because you have some kind of magic with yours. My daffs for Mothers Day were wonderful and then died suddenly. The vase is very long and I stuffed it with plastic bags to fill it up so Iām thinking that must have been the reason. But they were splendid when they were in bloom.
Enjoy your next theatre adventure. Always love seeing the pics x
Lots of love xxx
5 Likes
Hi Kirsty,
However you are feeling at that time is exactly the right way to be feeling. Itās the 18th week of mamās 2nd year and Iāve been drowning in sorrow again and unable to post here or do much at all. Grief becomes a new way of living. It feels like a battle to keep going. We have some kind of self preservation in us that drives us forward, however hard it feels. You will never become immune to grief. You may think youāre doing ok and it will knocked you down again. I always think of it as a stormy sea and Iāve been trapped for a while now but feel like Iām coming out of it again. Posting helped me before and Iām so pleased to be back again. The people here are so kind and truly understand what you are feeling. Iāve missed everyone so much.
Your mam will always be with you because you are a part of her. She will have been watching over you and be delighted with her beautiful horses and carriage on her big day. Some people write journals to express love and talk to their loved ones. Whatever helps you to give comfort is precious. Iām sure your mam is very proud that you made another of her wishes come true.
Lots of love xxx
4 Likes
Hi Tina,
Hello old friend! It feels like Iāve been away for such a long time and Iām finally finding a path back to you all. Iāve missed you so much. I donāt know why it was so hard posting. I felt like I was drowning again but was too upset to reach out to anyone. I canāt understand why Iāve been so devastated again. The swimming and creating new textiles has been ongoing, on and off, but it is empty and doesnāt fill the void that mam has left in me. Everything is isolated and doesnāt create a sense of well being or fulfillment. But Iām feeling more hopeful with Spring, seeing new colour in pots and Iām eager (maybe thatās pushing it a bit!) to get out into the garden, have a tidy up and rearrange the patio as a starting point. Might even have a bbq with my niece / nephew over Easter if the weather warms up a bit. Might have to get some winter woollies back out the loft, having put away a lot of stuff when the sun came out!
Glad to see Zoe is still keeping you on your toes. Porsch is as demanding as ever with her screaming for food. Always takes me by surprise. Sheās fast asleep now. Likes having a mooch about the garden throughout the day, just little bits with me waiting for her at the kitchen door while I look out at all the work waiting for me. I have so much to do. But I did like Debbieās sign about letting the garden rest a little while longer. Itās a good excuse to put off doing anything.
I have so much reading to catch up on. But itās a relief to get back to you all. Iāve felt so lost and just wanted my mam. It really doesnāt get any easier but I feel hopeful again.
Lots of love xxx
3 Likes
So effective. It reminds me of a stained glass window and is inspiring me on to create a new textile after I finish everything else I have in boxes throughout the house. Will you frame it and if you were to hang at the window would the light stream through the beads to create a prism effect in the room? Have you another to start?
Just reminded me to get my plastic garlands out soon and hang over the pond. I still want to create mobile hangings in the garden. x
3 Likes
Hi again,
That is fab, especially if it creates a prism effect with the light. Iām always collecting bits for my work and love recycling. It creates unique and organic thinking. I keep my stained glass window (created from plastic chocky wrappers) on the bathroom windowsill because of the beautiful light effect and replaces the dark bamboo blinds. And because itās on a frame (cellotaped on) I can move it off to clean the condensation. But an alternative I havenāt tried yet would be glass paint. Maybeās try that in the sitting room to stop the creep watching me. And because the tree and itās branches giving some cover was cut down (resting on the gutter) Iām very aware that Iām even more exposed than before. Just heard the creepās door but I still have all my curtains closed. Must dash now so I can get ready. x
3 Likes
Hi again Kirsty.
Iām still reading posts and am working backwards so have just realised that your mam left you this year. Iām so so sorry. I know how utterly devastated you are. Our mams are such a precious gift. They are our everything. They are the essence of who we are. Your mam would be so grateful to you moving in to look after her. You will always have those precious memories so take comfort in them. She will always be with you, in your heart and your thinking. When you struggle to cope you will hear her words of wisdom. I still want to be with mam and it seems that my time now is in just waiting to be with her again. Sheāll be waiting for you, whenever that time is. I think thatās comforting, that we just have to keep going until we can join our loved ones again. We are all truly blessed to have been loved and to love in return. That will keep us all going.
Thinking of you xxx
3 Likes
Hi Nick,
Have you tried asking your close neighbours if she has popped by to see them? My friend/neighbour has a very poorly cat (2 doors down) who suddenly appeared in my kitchen yesterday and he has never come near me since Iāve known him as a baby. I was shocked to see how thin he has become (he has cancer). He was always a big feisty boy, hissing at me and giving me the evil eye if I passed him as he sat above me on the pergola. It is heartbreaking to lose our cats. They are like babies. Does she have special treats that could tempt her back? She could be watching you calling to her if sheās made a little nest somewhere. I know thereās nothing to say or do that will help you feel any less desperate to have her come home. Try to take some comfort in knowing that she has had a wonderful life with you. Itās all we have. Nature is so cruel. I know we canāt all last forever and it would be so exhausting if we did but we can never be prepared for the loss. She may still turn up and surprise you. Can you faff about in the garden for some time throughout the day so she can hear you if she is close by? We had a cat (Marmalade - big ginger tom) and heād got lost exploring the gardens. My dad shouting of him every morning at 6 am before the roar of traffic started and he found his way home eventually. Very skinny but after a good bite to eat he went to bed like heād never been away. Fingers crossed x
4 Likes