CREATING A SHRINE FOR MY MAM

[Tina19]

Hi Nick

Nice to hear from you on the forum. I’m glad the anxiety and depression has shown you a bit of mercy for a while. I often wondered how anxiety and depression co-exists. I mean, one of them is like being wound up and the other is being down in spirit, totally opposites. No wonder our minds are very often in battle. I can’t even honestly say whether it’s got better or worse for me, maybe somewhere in-between. Often it’s like there is two of me and one is trying to find the other but it’s always a case of “never the twain shall meet” and that all sounds totally bonkers but it’s a description of me before and after my losses.

The £20 for a new tool is worth it if it makes life easier for you and is an asset to you. Pulled muscles seem to come with the territory doesn’t it sadly where gardening is concerned. Hopefully you’ll have got to the end without further muscle injury.

Nice to hear you are feeling a bit better at least, fingers crossed for a nice weekend for you.

Take care x

[Tina19]

Hi Christine

I’m really so sorry to hear how bad you have felt today being upset about your Mam. I can truly imagine how it would have shook you to see those items of your Mams she didn’t get to use. I feel totally the same. Mum would buy things for “best”. I think it’s what they did in that era, but “best” never seemed to come and things would degrade or spoil and she’d not used them. If I look around I can see things she’d bought or had been bought for her and it just brings it all back, of course not that it ever goes away. You could always take comfort in the fact that your Mam got pleasure from buying these things even though not used. I keep having these feelings were I think Mum is “somewhere” and this didn’t really happen. I don’t know if I’ve written that before or not as I seem to struggle remembering what ai did earlier in the day. Everything seems to be a blur of integrated time, a vacuum effect. This evening the entire street seemed to be in their front garden barbequing etc. People everywhere but feeling separate to my existence. Sounds odd I know.

I tried to make a mosaic earlier. I have to clean it tomorrow. Its very, very primitive. Not fancy at all but I just wanted to see if is anything I could develop a long lasting interest in. I’ll see if I can get it cleaned and I’ll add a picture. Should give you a laugh at least!

I’m gonna sign off for now but I hope you get some calls/texts tomorrow and you get to do something nice away from home. I’m sure you’ll get the opportunity to welcome your new neighbours. I can understand you not wanting to be especially chatty at the moment.

I’ll get the pictures in order and add some tomorrow.

Take care and I’ll drop by later xx

[christine51]

Hi Tina,
Describing it as feeling ‘separate to my existence’ sums up how I am at the mo. In tears again having my cuppa outside with Porsch so had to come in. I’ve been so separated from people around me for so long that having new peeps next to me is especially difficult. It’s upsetting because they remind me of my parents arriving when they get out of their car. I have no visitors since mam. Feeling so desperately unhappy. The garden seems like a mammoth task now, just to be out there. Comments from yesterday about me being ‘the most unfriendly person’ is truly upsetting because I’m not. But I feel there is an audience as to whether I’ll say hello to the new comers. The pressure is huge, whatever I do and if I retreat and don’t go out there that will be just as bad. And not hearing from my niece makes me afraid that I will never see her again. She is the only one in the family who bothers with me. Thought she would have wanted to arrange to meet up for lunch or a swim as planned. I just don’t know how much longer I can keep going feeling the way I do. There’s no privacy, a place where I feel safe to retreat to. It’s like living in a goldfish bowl. But at least I’m up and have started the day. Getting routine chores done will get me going and there is some sense of achievement in housework (dishes, changing the bed). Must do the fishtank today so that is a big one as I have to clean the floors and bathroom afterwards. It’s awful that I have to do things to ‘escape’ the sadness but I know it’s there all the time again. Waiting for me to give in.
Looking forward to your mosaic. Playing and exploring is the biggest challenge sometimes. We are so used to having a polished manufactured product that the pathway to creating it is not valued. I enjoy seeing the artistic creativity, making each piece unique. I still have to order my tiles for the patio. Not sure whether to mix colours of blues and greens or just do pale blue with a step detail of dark blue and white. When I’m putting off ordering it’s because I haven’t arrived at my decision. I’ll know instinctively when it’s right.
So here is my lace canopy protecting new plants from poo splatter. It’s everywhere!

Must clean the area. They are dappled shade plants so perfect with the lace overhead.
Had to roughly stitch 3 panels together to create the length but the width was perfect. Mam wouldn’t approve but there’s no point in just keeping things in the loft. And to use them in the garden means I have mam with me again.

Was quite easy attaching to the bamboo trellis with plastic zip ties

and using ribbon to tie onto branches and the flag angels.

Had to move my potted plant display from the back of the pond in order to get in there but I’ve decided to just house them in pots over the summer and dig in in the Autumn, creating a shaded border. Had to move the branches from the pond at the back so I could accommodate the larger potted plants in the pond.

Here’s my yellow water irises to tie in with the other side of the garden.

Hope the other plants take to their bigger pots. Weighting down with gravel and branches seems to have done the trick.

Love the reflection of the tree canopy above. Reminds me of lace.
The birds love flapping about in there and hopping on the branches and pots. They aren’t at all afraid of the net curtain. More inquisitive. Here are the babies in the hanging basket, fighting over fatballs and waiting for their turn sitting on the bench.

Very difficult capturing a them on camera as it’s a hive of activity but there’s always one in the group posing!

They’re really exploring the whole garden now. And so tame when I’m sitting there. Porsch doesn’t bother much but sometimes likes to watch with me.
Dressed the sitting area with another lace canopy (old nets from Ikea)

and the table with bottles and decanters. The last of my birthday bouquet from my sis up north (haven’t heard from her since).

The peg bag for mam was created from a lovely piece of fabric I found at a car bootie

with random buttons and the hanger was wrapped in fabric (started to unravel).

A Mothers Day pressie she loved and used every day.

In tears again! Will crack on and get dressed now as the creep has left but might be back again as it’s a weekend. Have more birds and squirrel pics to post later.
Lots of love xxx

[Debbie57]

Hi Nick,
Strange you should mention dreams, I very rarely remember mine these days. How each night I hope and pray I will dream about Doug, if I do I don’t remember them.
Glad your feeling a bit better. Gardens do have a habit of just getting away from you, one day they look fine the next a miniature jungle has appeared. I find it best to do a little and often, that ways I hope to keep the aches and pains down a bit. So don’t get too carried away with your new hoe.
Enjoy the sunshine and have a good weekend.
Love Debbie x

[Debbie57]

Hi Christine

You seem in a bit of a turmoil at the moment. I’m sure your niece will text or ring again soon, young people have their own agendas and they just forget plus her boyfriend is probably filling her time.
I do hope you find the right moment just to say hi to your new neighbours, they are probably a lovely couple and not influenced by anything said by others. Give it a chance and time. And your other neighbour that has not replied, well you said he likes to drink, he probably otherwise occupied.
Loving your photos, yes I have trouble with the birds on everything. That’s the price we pay for encouraging them into the garden. I do get a bit cross when one gets my washing out on the line.
Mrs Blackbird is getting very brave now, when I’m sitting right next to the pond she will come and drink, does even flinch if I move.
I’ve had a busy few days in the garden, cleared away the bluebells at the front which have gone over. I have a bush that is not doing very well out the front. The trouble is when it rains the water cascade’s off the roof between me and next door where our roofs meet at forty five degree angle. So that area is either water logged or hard as concrete, which it is at the moment, as we’ve had no rain here for a couple of weeks.

Out the back I’ve tackled the laurel tree, cutting back the top a bit so it does not get too tall. Managed most of it, but bit at the back I cannot reach. I’m not as steady on a stepladder as I used to be and don’t bounce well if I was to fall off. So my son is coming tomorrow to finish it off for me. I bought some loppers with telescopic handles, have made the job easier than just using secateurs. Always manage to pinch my finger using secateurs and make it bleed.
I’m always so impressed how you are up and down a ladder working on your fences and trellis work, you must have a good head for heights.
A casualty of my pruning

Porsch always look so regal sit in her blanket watching the world go by.

I have a jasmine which is in bloom now and very pleased with my sweet peas which have self seeded from last year. They smell lovely.

We had messy church last night, theme was calming the storm. My craft was a boat sailing from calm seas to stormy sea. The children seemed to love doing it. They also made little boats out of sea shells which they painted and made some out of rice crispy cakes which they enjoyed munching on, with a matchmaker mast and rice paper sails.

We have a cartoon video story of Jesus calming the storm and sang a song called “my lighthouse” which had actions.

My Lighthouse Rend Collective Worship Video

I love singing this, sing it alot at my daughter’s church, I’m not very good at doing the actions. I can or either or but not both together .

My daughter has just turned up, I’ll be back later.

Love Debbie xx

[Nick22]

Hi Debbie57, when I was young I used to remember all my dreams. Perhaps our brain is blocking some memories to protect us now. I have a really good day today. I went to the bereavement group again today and we talked a lot. - I just had a look at my brothers garden. Just weeds and hardly any grass. That will take some time to fix, perhaps on Monday and Tuesday and … (I want take some photos first.) - I think the summer has arrived, you will get 23C on Sunday and Monday. - I think I will go down to the beach today. Have not been there for several weeks now.

Thanks for your post, - Nick

[christine51]

Hi Debbie,
You have certainly been working hard and your telescopic loppers remind me of the long ‘say’ which I have and never used from the old garden. It has a pully system for cutting branches but very difficult holding it with one hand and trying to pull the cord to saw with the other. Easier if I just get up the ladders and balance. My love of ballet and gymnastics has certainly paid off with doing jobs in the garden. Lovely of your son to help finish the tree. But you’ve done a good job. I really must cut back a lot in the mid section. Lots of roses and climbers gone wild. But I like it that way. Free to roam. Still haven’t got any weeding done. The creep has been parading with his noisy garden tools. Whenever he’s not at work he’s cutting the garden back. I had a real panic when I noticed he’s cut the trees on his side so that the thick greenery I had to tackle with my next trellis is now just open space again. I have to wait to get more bits delivered before I can do it but he is able to see into my garden like before, and his mate with the dogs. I just despair!
So I’ve busied myself with cleaning the fishtank. Always hate doing it as it’s such a task and floors and bathroom to clean afterwards. Thank goodness I don’t still have my white carpet from when I first moved in. Had to replace it with vinyl wood effect so I could keep it clean from the garden. All those little moody Porsch paws.
Fab that your blackbird is so tame. I haven’t seen mine, or my crows, thrushes or jays. It’s funny watching the pigeons wanting to feed but frightened of all the squarking babies.
Got a text from my niece but swimming later today would be too late as I have a food delivery booked. She’s not very chatty and has ignored my attempts to book for tomorrow. So I will probably see her next week. Don’t know what’s going on.
Was thinking of popping a card through the door for the new neighbours, just saying welcome but that I’m too upset about mam at the mo to be able to chat and that I hope they don’t take it personally. And also to mention my disabled bay being designated so they don’t use it when I go out. What do you think? I can barely get through the day without crying. Just feel so upset and I keep seeing her on one of the last times I was over there, before she went into hospital. Would have liked to have that jumper she was wearing but my sisters took what they wanted without me being there. She came to sit out for a cuppa but had to go back to bed. We didn’t know she had cancer. No clue. I didn’t know our time was about to run out. Keep wishing I could tell her how loved she is before she goes forever. At least I would have had some sort of ‘closure’. That’s what is doing my head in.
Your tricky patch with the downpipe sounds like my whole garden! I’ve learned the hard way that when planting I need to add compost to the clay otherwise the plant is suffocated with compacted soil or drowned. Could you get your son to fix a slimline water butt to the bed. I stood mine on patio slabs to get the height. The fixing into the downpipe just screws in to divert the water into the butt. If you get those water butt ‘feet’ they’re really tricky and not stable without support. It’s an option to save your plants and adding compost or manure with the ‘no dig’ approach is easy - just pile it on top. Wicks have offers on with 3 for £12 if they have any left. The manure is more like compost. Still have to mulch the rest of the roses. Pleased that I got my plants potted on. Need to water them today but can’t if the creep doesn’t leave. They should be ok because I soaked them when they arrived.
I miss doing the old garden, even though it was a mammoth task on my own. I would clear the bluebells and get the dahlias in at the front. I wouldn’t have time or energy to do my own garden as I was over there so much. But I’d do anything to do it again. I’d gladly abandon everything I’ve created and just let it go. I didn’t know I was running out of time. My house and garden are a prison.
Wish I could be as neat as your borders. I can see how much work you’ve done with all the weeding. Like you say, little but often is best. I seem to tackle it all head on. I have no reason to stop being on my own. Love all your lawn daisies. And such beautiful roses. Very jel! Love your colour combo with lime green against the red. My jasmine is just starting to bud. And your sweet peas are lovely. Always remind me of mam because I’d help cut them for a little vase in the kitchen. The perfume was fab when we were sitting round the table in summer. I seem to be quite behind you and Monty. But my garden is quite shaded a lot of the time with the trees and now adding the height to the fencing. Very annoyed that he’s created another gap.
Love the church pics of the boats. Really effective for a textured sea. Reminds me of all the lovely boating holidays I had with my parents, and the barges we hired a couple of times with my sis and her boyfriend. They had the best bedroom on the back end and I was stuck in a choc brown room carpeted from floor to ceiling! It was like being inside of a rolo! Love being on the water. Enjoy watching the barge programme where he travels through different canals and lochs. Brings it all back. Happy times. My tehrapist says I should enjoy the happy memories I have with mam and not be sad. But all they do is remind me that she’s not here. I just can’t switch it off.
Enjoyed watching the video. Fun watching the concentration on their faces! I can’t remember being that happy or enjoying something. I hate being stuck like this. I can’t imagine feeling ‘normal’ again. I didn’t realise that my life was so fragile. Mam always made it seem ok. Wish I could talk to her again, just once.
Will pop back later.
Lots of love xxx

[christine51]

Hi Nick,
So pleased you’ve had a good day and I’m looking forward to your before and after pics, no matter how long it takes. Posting my garden pics here has always encouraged me to keep going and it’s always great to see what everyone else is doing too. Your brothers garden sounds like a real haven for wildlife. You can buy wild flower seeds on Amazon and just scatter in the soil (poor soil works best), Haven’t done mine yet. If that was me I would make a pathway through if you have a lawn mower and let the rest go wild! Have a think in Autumn about what to do with it. Your fox would love that if he follows you.
Would be wonderful to pop to the beach. I always loved our beach camping holidays all over. Always rained! but that’s half the fun. Wasn’t so much fun then but would be now. Hearing the rain pounding on the windows or in the car always reminds me of being little wrapped in blankets with a hot drink and the cats mooching about in the tent.
Sounds like the bereavement group is working wonders. Neil has always found counselling picks him up when he’s especially finding it tough. I wouldn’t be able to go because of my panic attacks and can’t ring for a chat as the creep listens to everything I do. I was just saying to Debbie he’s cut back the trees where I’d covered the gap with trellis so he can still see in the garden. I’m so tired of trying to stop him watching me.
Haven’t been able to sit out today as the creep has been power tool mad today, cutting everything back in his garden. It’s every weekend for hours at a time. I’m surprised anything grows.
I’m really quite jel of your new start in your brothers house. You can make it your own but also have him all around you. It can be your new project to keep you busy when you need to get through the days as I do with my garden. I find it helps me.
Hope you take some pics of the beach. South Shields was our local. I loved hunting for crabs in rock pools and collecting treasures to take home. You could make some lovely decorations with shells by drilling a small hole and string up as a ‘curtain’ in front of a window. They’ll jingle on a breeze if near a door. Kitchen would be perfect.
Hope you have been enjoying the garden pics. Will enjoy sitting out under the lace canopy when the creep is at work next week. I’m always trapped in my bedroom when he’s at home.
Off to clean the bathroom now before my shopping arrives. The joys of housework!
Lots of love Nick. Lovely to see you posting xxx

[Tina19]

Hi Christine

Reading through your last two replies to Nick and Debbie I can see you’ve perked up a bit, which is really good. I know the “downs” are bad but if we can manage a tiny bit of an “up” as well then it’s something.

The peg bag by the way is really nice and the fabric looks so sumptuous.

I think it’s a smart move with the card through the letterbox. You could simply say Hi and introduce yourself or more if you wanted. Have they parked in your space again? If they have a quick mention in your card may be easier than explaining and would take the pressure off you but you’ll know best how they are likely to take what you say. I do get it when you say it puts you in mind of your parents pulling up in their car. I’d be entirely the same.

At least your Niece has made contact do that’s good. Like Debbie says she has probably got other things on her mind as a young person. Everything is still an adventure to them yet!

I don’t get anything done with Zoe, I start then have to finish and it goes on like that all day, like it does with a toddler, I have had her on my own from 6.10am to nearly midnight nearly everyday this week and I am utterly drained and can’t think think straight. Fair enough he goes to work but then he is out every night and barely sees her. And hardly takes her out. If I take her in the garden she is up to no good getting in danger and if I have her in the house she’s flinging herself at me but it’s not her fault and I can’t take her out, she’s too strong.

No, the chocolate bar strategy didn’t last more than a day, so I’ll think of another way. I need to get out of this diabetes risk as soon as possible, but my mind just won’t involve itself.

I finished the mosaic. (if it qualifies as one as I hardly used any pieces!) The pieces of tile are way too thick. I had planned in making something I could hang on a hook but as I’d made a wooden base it was way too heavy and so I’ve made a back plinth and will stand it up on the trees trunk. In the end I just went with white tile and mirror and didn’t make a pattern. It doesn’t show that well in the photos but I’ll see in a minute what I can upload. I’ll just go and look now through my photos and get back with some.

Much love xx

[Tina19]

Hi Christine

I’m not sure what these are, I can’t see them. One should be the mosaic but it’s not photographing well and you can’t see the tiles or mirrors properly

One should be the white roses as the side of the windows. One should be a guilty-face Zoe on her way to emptying more wood from the wood store and I’m not sure if the other two are random plants I can only upload 5 it says but I’ll upload the others when Ive seen what these are!

[Tina19]

Debbie I love those photos. so vibrant and colourful. xx

[Suzanne30]

Hi Christine:)
Love hearing from you as always.
I plucked up the courage to go to the dr on Tuesday and what an absolute waste of time…I would have been better off speaking to a soggy digestive biscuit. I went in to see her and I told her what the issue was and she said ‘yes it sounds like you could have ADHD but we don’t have a psychiatrist in this area just now so I can’t refer you to anyone’ and gave me a website to check out. I told her about my anxiety and her response was ‘everyone suffers from anxiety in some form’ and then recommended I ‘redirect’ my anxious thoughts and focus on something else. Told her I couldn’t focus and that was part of the issue and she gave me another three website addresses to look up. Her parting advice was for me to take up a musical instrument and then said ‘you don’t seem to me to be the type who is depressed’. I said that was cause I wasn’t but by this time I gave up and left. Not sure where to go now tbh cause the rules in Scotland regarding these referrals are different from England etc.
Then had an altercation with a visiting manager from Wickes who we share a back yard with at work…comes out shouting and swearing at my guys so of course I go after him and I’m like 5ft and he’s well over 6ft trying to lean over me so he gets swiftly told to bugger off (in polite professional words) so he writes a complaint about me and my staff to head office!! Hahahaha just wait til I send in my response lol x
are you feeling any less tired just now? It’s been so hot up here that trying to sleep in an absolute nightmare but on the plus side the washing is drying in hours lol x

Have you seen your niece or been swimming this week? (Apologies if you have already said and I’ve missed it). I’ve just dropped my middle niece off in the town so her and her friends can go to the dancing…when did I become the designated driver instead of the one going out drinking ….actually tbf I had enough alcohol last night x

What are your plans for this week? I’m back at work tomorrow for another week so really hoping it’s going to sunny but a little cooler lol x

Getting my garden tidied and this takes too much time so admire how much time and energy you spend in yours.
Gonna head to bed as got a long day and will love you and leave you for this evening x

[Suzanne30]

Hey Neil

Just a wee check in to see how you are doing this weekend. You were saying GOTG3 was good and do have to agree with you that lately Marvel has kinda lost it’s way but I’ll be honest I never liked GOTG as can’t stand Chris Pratt lol x I really fancy going to see Fast and Furious 10 as really want to Jason Momoa as a baddie and the cars are a minor attraction lol x I might just wait until it comes on to Sky as they are coming there so quickly now…I see John Wick 4 is already there x

You were saying your team is playing tomorrow so will wish them luck on your behalf lol x

I can’t believe 18 months have passed already for you so that must be 18 months on Wed for myself and Tina x in some respects to me it’s went by in a blur but have felt every minute since she passed x I do hope you are doing ok xx

I’ve just received an alarm call at the work so better see what’s going on x won’t leave it as long to catch up with all x
Take care and much love x

[christine51]

Hi Tina,
I’m so up and down at the mo that anything other than being in that crying sadness is a bonus. It’s no wonder I’m so exhausted as I never know what I’m going to feel from one minute to the next. But feeling better this morn. Sat out with Porsch for my coffee watching the birds and baby squirrel (plays musical statues if I look directly at it which is amusing) and doing my puzzle book. Got an email invitation to exhibit in Kensington as part of the annual exhibition fair. Can send work in if I can’t attend, which of course I can’t. Prices range in size. Looked at my work on my gallery sites and just thinking about making a choice is exhausting. July and October deadlines to apply so have time to think about it. Looking at my work objectively makes me realise the pieces I unframed have yet to be quilted. Have others unfinished too and a batch ready for photographing to add to site. Everything stopped with mam and then I created new works and became immersed in those over winter when I couldn’t be in the garden. Hoping that I can get back to a working structure again so my days will feel full again. It’s a plan but it’s something I can’t tackle right now. I need direction so I’m not just filling in time and avoiding the sadness. Makes sense in theory. Must make an effort to climb out of this feeling of always waiting to react to memories of mam. Upsetting just writing this. If I ‘move on’ from the upset it feels like I will be leaving her behind. And I can’t do that. She’s too precious.
Haven’t been out the house again since my therapy last week so my car has been permanently parked. Think I will pop a card in their door just to say hi. I hate being surrounded by people who clearly dislike me and don’t even know me because I’m not like them. Don’t want the new peeps to think badly of me too if I don’t acknowledge them.
Think I’ll book a swim after my therapy Tues. Hope I have more energy then. And hope to meet my niece for lunch too. Think the swimming and gardening is too much for me physically. Will have to try to create a more balanced approach to my week. I do overdo it. Mam always gently advised me that it was enough.
You must be absolutely worn out with Zoe. It’s so not fair that your bro has you taking care of her and then doesn’t even do his bit each day after work. He’s like a teenager. And like you say, It’s not Zoe’s fault that she is who she is and is so strong. Love the cheeky pics of her. She’s certainly claimed the wood pile as her own!
Yours roses will be wonderful when they are in full bloom. Mine are high in and above the canopies because I donlt prune them. Means I have to look up to see them but still get the perfume. So many roses now aren’t oerfumed because they have been developed intensely for their shape. But old fashioned open roses (referred to as ‘vintage’ which I love) are popular again now that the trend for encouraging nature is back again. Looking forward to seeing my new roses blossom from last year. You have a lot of light and sun. Have you thought about a couple of arches with climbers to create a sitting spot in the shade? Love your tree trunk wrapped in fairy lights. decorated on top and I do think your mosiac is lovely. Very abstract and randomly spaced. You could create more tiles with other colours or keep the same tones but vary the depth of colour. You could create a feature wall for interest on the brickwork. And adding mirrors to your walls bounces light around and the reflections create the illusion of a bigger space. Adding one or two bits creates little pockets of detail. That’s how I work my spaces and then you have a journey through the entire space. The cracks between your paving could be planted with fragrant herbs like Thyme (research plants that don’t need much care). There is a wonderful invasive creeper that is a vivid lime green, like moss and grass. Was in one of the gardens featured on Gardeners World. Looked like a fairy dell. Also, taking up a paving slab would be provide an area for planting which would be contained at ground level. You could also dress the top of the log pile with small pots of seasonal colour (pansies, petunia, snow in summer etc). You’re so good at spotting a bargain in your shopping expeditions that you could very easily create a rainbow mosaic using flowers. I must be feeling a lot better with all these ideas bouncing around! Hope you don’t think I’m being critical. Ideas seem to flow out of me from nowhere when my interest is sparked. And I know how crafty you are in your garden. I’m truly surprised that it is so tidy with the lovely Zoe! Wish I could be as tidy. I need to have a good sweep up of the bird seed and start digging out the gaps between paving for tiling. Have settled on the baby blue tiles as it will go with the grey slate and paving and also mirror the blue of the sky.

And these for the step from the kitchen door into the garden. Will create a threshold and I will think of mam with her finding boodie in the old garden. Little touches to intrigue.

I was quite daunted at doing the patio but looking forward to it now. Shouldn’t take too long drying in the heat of the summer.
Feel quite exhausted again. I do believe that my physical exhaustion is directly linked to my upset. Always feel trapped on a weekend with the creep around and can’t seem to be ‘productive’ at all. Have garden lights to wire up so might try that today if I’m stuck in. But if he’s out I’ll go out there and do something because it always makes me feel better. Hope you are able to enjoy a bit of sun too today.
Lots of love xxx

[christine51]

Hi Suzanne,
What musical instrument are you going to try? I loved my mini keyboard for doing xmas carols round the neighbours singing with my sister (but not now - can you imagine the reaction!) I absolutely do not know what the point is of having GP’s when they refer you to online sites which should be avoided when diagnosing serious conditions to be medicated (there was a documentary on it about Harley Street not so long ago). I really don’t know what to say. But I remember finding my first breast cancer lump at the age of 25 and being told I was too young and to come back if it didn’t go away!!! There is a real issue with the older generation of GP’s who are out if touch with the world we live in and there is still a stigma with any form of mental illness in my experience. When my panic attacks started I was told that having cancer did not create panic, stress, anxiety or depression (I was in a right state) and I could have no more time off work! I became very anorexic again afterwards (body dysmorphia) and I was told I was looking for attention. So you can see why I have no time or trust in GP’s. It was my therapist who diagnosed me with my agoraphobia and panic disorders. I think your next step would be to find a private therapist who specialises in what you have so that you can then go back to your GP for the treatment you need, if any. To be diagnosed by a professional is what is needed. A GP cannot then just send you away to look online. I could ask my theraist if he would do a zoom consultation with you. If you want to let me know. I’ve been seeing him for years now and it’s made a massive difference in me taking control of my life. I’ve tried various other things, like the Cognitive Behaviour where you face the fear and do it to dilute fear. But that just intensified the fear of fear and made me more agoraphobic. I am certainly now an expert in understanding my condition.
Where are all the weeds Suzanne? I must be blind as well as a little deaf!
Love that you stood up to the Wickes bully towering over you (I’m wee too). He obviously doesn’t like anyone, especially a strong woman like yourself, standing up to him. How awful to have to share that space with him. Surprised he has the time to make a complaint. What a twat!
You are a good aunty being the car person. I’d be well jel too if I wasn’t joining them. I do feel very out of place now I’m getting older. I panicked when I wasn’t in the 18-30’s catagory for holidays! Not sure where I fit in with the swimming either. Like to watch the oldies doing their stretches in the water. Used to love water aerobics. Might ask my niece if she wants to join me after work. Will check it out. Didn’t get swimming yester but will do this week after her work. I think getting out the house helps create a balance to my week and not being trapped at home.
It’s very sunny here but I feel so cold. Just feeling really off. Creep has left the building so I’ll get dressed and see what I can do while he’s not here. Will mist the poo plants so I can clean their leaves and give them some dignity back!
Lots of love xxx

[Tina19]

Hi Christine

Just a quickie til later to see how you are doing. Its a case of lightness between the storm clouds isn’t it a bit with these emotions. I understand what you mean by busying about and getting so immersed that it feels sometimes we are moving on without them. I think some people underestimate the grieving for the “passage of time” as well as the loss.

No I don’t mind your ideas for inspo. I look around your pictures and pick bits up here and there that Ive seen. I have to be really careful with what I plant with having Zoe. Plant wise I’m a bit limited because it’s too risky with having anything that can be poisonous to pets. I haven’t bought a plant this year (up to now) so trying to nurture what I’ve got.

Been doing loads of weeding this morning in the back. I have brought round a yellow rose from the front in a pot because I don’t like always going out on the front as there’s always someone faffing about. The houses aren’t privacy designed because the front doors are sideways in some houses and although the neighbours house is front facing our’s isn’t.

Good idea about the card, it takes some pressure off and is just a nice, simple acknowledgement/welcome.

Nice news about the exhibition.

I’ll drop by later.

Much love xx

[Nick22]

Hello all,

Just wanted to tell you, today was the third really good day in a row. Have not had that before. I am still not great early in the morning, but, the last few days I started feeling better earlier during the day. Do not know if it is just coincident I but will take it as a good sign. (I want to believe it! - positive thinking.) I used to get better in the afternoon at about 15:00, but now it starts about at 10:00 or 11:00. I just hope it will continue. - I will divide the days into small sections now, 15 minutes work and then some rest. I just want to make sure that I do not lose all my energy on a single day. (Someone here gave me that advice the other day, but cannot remember who it was, thanks.) - Take care x, Nick.

[christine51]

Hi Tina,
Good to see you’ve been busy in the sunshine. I discovered a yellow rose in full bloom planted last year. Was a lovely surprise when I was going round with the hose. Got lots done as the creep stayed away all day. Misted the poo plants! Scraping the baked on poop is the worst job in my gardening career so far! And it pongs. Will update with pics tomorrow. Sorted the water fountain part of the pump (had stopped working), sowed my lawn seeds to the back of the pond and water butt, planted in the little fruit trees. Discovered a couple of the honey bushes aren’t doing great. Maybe’s too much shade. Found a massive poo in a little plant pot which I’d used to deter the fox from going on my roses. Might have discovered the entry hole for the rat in the loft where the facia has dropped (or where the creep has been tampering with it). Took pics and will contact the council but need to get in the loft and check the wall again for drilling. It’s like Narnia’s wardrobe up there with my summer clothes on mini rails. Hoping the council will seal the outside of the roofline with expanding foam like they did the inside.
I was surprised it wasn’t full on antics in the front today with it being sunny and a Sunday. The noise of the fountains allows me to not hear the noise of neighbours at the front. Otherwise it would drive me mad. I’ve never understood the desperate need for attention. So I’ve had a good day and after yesterday it is certainly not what I was expecting. Think my very dark storm is passing by now. But I never really know and just have to take each day as it arrives.
So tired again I’m falling asleep again. I was always a night owl until now. But I do like getting up early and getting a head start on the day.
Little Porsch is wanting attention. Lots of purring going on so I’ll pop back tomorrow with pics from today.
Lots of love xxx

[christine51]

Hi Nick,
That is good news! I always acknowledge the good days and seem to have a run of them before the storm clouds descend and then I get stuck. I find comfort in my daily routines now, getting up early and having my coffee outside with Porsch, feeding and watching the birds before I get ready and start the day. Once I start getting on with jobs I always feel better. Think it was Debbie who said to pace yourself. I can’t just sit and do nothing so my puzzle book keeps me focused and I enjoy sitting in the sunshine now.
Did you get to the beach yesterday? I’m hoping to meet up with my niece this week for swimming and will go myself after my therapy on Tuesday. If I book it the day before I will go. Need to try to get back to my half hour swims every other day like I was.
Have more pics to post tomorrow so see you then. Night hun x
Lots of love xxx

[Tina19]

Hello Nick.

Its great to hear you’ve had 3 good days.

My anxiety in the morning used to be shocking. I’m sure you know that there’s a contributory factor in that the stress hormone Cortisol is at its highest in the morning and then falls away. That kind of made a difference when I found that out. But I’m pleased for you. It certainly is a positive sign.

Hope tomorrow follows in the same pattern.

Sending kindness xx