CREATING A SHRINE FOR MY MAM

[Suzanne30]

Hi Christine
Believe it or not I had never ever even considered making the depth of the gravel greater lol x I know there will always be weeds that find a way but that is defo an option.
I really like the mosaic plant pots and I actually have a couple of shallow mosaic bowls that are filled with rubbish that haven’t really got a place or purpose so I may use them as shallow water bowls for ground dwelling birds or see if my hedgehog comes back

Not had a great day today tbh and it’s been the worst in like months but it all started when I got up and my toilet had decided to leak all over the bathroom floor and I was to be working all day and it’s a bank holiday etc and I just spiralled as I couldn’t get anyone to cover me at work and then it reminded me of how mum isn’t here etc…you know the drill x
Anyway my boss who lives like 30 miles away just turned up and let me go, my goddaughter bought me skittles to cheer me up lol and now the plumber has arrived and seems to be able to fix it today which was my other fear as I’m working all week x but in my head I hear mum giving me a row for ‘not waiting’ to see what the job would entail etc x
Need to phone the dr though and see if I can get an official diagnosis for my ADHD (this is from two counsellors not just Facebook lol) so I can get something to help with my anxiety etc.

Anyway enough about my gripes and moans…how is the weather holding out for you today. It’s so hot up here just now that if I water my plants I’m scared I’ll scorch them so will do it later on. Yes I have planted it and still looks like a wee stick but not going to give up on it lol x

Will you get swimming this week so you think? If you do have great weather then that will be so nice to have a cool dip. Up here at night is just the opposite in that it’s still boiling but not going to complain as prefer that to freezing x

Here plumber coming down the stairs so will catch up soon x

[Nick22]

Hi christine51, sorry I am a bit late answering but there are so many things going round in my head at the moment and concentrating is a real problem. I guess I have to do more gardening so I can switch off my brain. The grass is 30-40cm long in my garden. My brother’s garden is even worse with dandelions as high as 1.3m. There is so much still to do and I only have about 9 weeks now. As you wrote: “They do say that gardening is therapy for the soul.” It is easy for you to say, but I am not really keen on gardening at the moment. I know that the council is right but it was not the best time. Just too much to do and not enough energy. - My tablets for the depression do help but the anxiety has gotten worse again. I will see what the gardening will do for me tomorrow. - You wrote that you are worrying the foxes might attack Porsche. Hmm, my cat never had any problems. Fluffy, a cat from next door and a fox never had any problems. They were even sleeping together in the garden. Fluffy and the latest fox were also lying in the road waiting for me to come home in the evenings. My cat was the boss. The fox was always a bit scared when Fluffy moved. I love foxes, especially the one at my bungalow. I still feed him most of the days but have not seen him for some time now. I will miss them. I hope I can friends with the little ones in my brothers garden.- I just had a look, the dog food is gone and I cannot even see the bread I put out for the birds now. - Will talk to you again later this week. - Give Porsche a hug from me, Nick

[Tina19]

Hi Christine

Thanks so much for those pictures of the mosaics, they are absolutely brilliant. In particular the 2nd one which is incredibly striking. My eyes have lit up at the endless possibilities and stuff I could use. Even if I make a mess, (which is likely). I’ll have had fun trying!

I had had as much as I could mentally take this morning from over the weekend so I did actually get on a bus at 8am to go to the next town as I knew the shops would be open. I didn’t need anything other than glue but I knew I’d be able to look in BM bargains, Poundland and wilko and all the cheapie shops like that once I got there. Even the Primark was open but there’s no point in going in primark to buy nice clothes when you’ve turned into a bit a plus-size elephant so I didn’t go in. I could have looked at their bits and bobs of stuff like homeware’s but I knew I’d have been tempted so didn’t have a browse. Did I enjoy going out? Not in the true meaning of “enjoy” because we all know we carry that constant “missing” our Mums feeling with us but it was a change. There is a saying isn’t there. “A change is as good as a rest” and it’s quite true. When you are younger you don’t get the true meaning of our Mum’s little saying’s until we ourselves get older. The anonymity as well was really liberating. Knowing I’d know no-one whilst there. Weird thing though is that I hardly ever venture away from home that far, especially on a bank holiday at 8am but a strange thing happened. The bus was just racing to the next village and there’d been an earlier collision, the Police were diverting us and all traffic and the diversion entailed going past Mums Churchyard. I really wasn’t prepared for that at all. A million to one chance of that happening. We had to make the same diversion on the way back too.

Sorry to hear you’ve had a bit of an upsetting time again especially with having to be shut in your bedroom when you’d rather be out. It must take it out of you mentally. I can’t seem to be at ease with myself because it still feels like there’s a degree of temporary-ness about things. Like “waiting” but not exactly sure why or what for. It’s really hard isn’t it but you are never down for long Christine, I admire you for that as I just give in and that doesn’t help.

I’m really pleased about kitty but goodness me I can appreciate how that sigh would have affected you at the time. I definitely would have been the same.

I hope the creep goes out and you can go in the garden. Maybe he’ll go on holiday as the holiday season approaches. That’s a bit of a long wait though granted. It’s a pain for you that, you aren’t asking for much are you when all you want to go is enjoy your own space in these nice weeks.

I think I’m going on a bit so I’ll see if I can get Zoe seen to and then get to bed maybe.

Thanks again for the tile inspiration pictures

Much love xx

[christine51]

Hi Suzanne,
Nothing worse than toilet troubles but at least you’ve dealt with it swiftly. I know that thing of being impulsive and then worrying afterwards that mam would have waited. I had to call the council out many times because the pipes are all connected and when the hoarder next door the other way was here he was having to toilet in a bucket ! and have the council throw it into the main drain outside because the hoard was so bad the toilet and everything in the house was inaccessible. I was told this by the bloke who came to flush the outside drain out at mine. He’s gone now and an elderly couple is moving in. I know this from checking my cameras. And he’d parked in my bay when I was at therapy. Hope it’s a one off and doesn’t become a neighbour war over parking. Having nobody on my side makes me a target for the buggars I’m surrounded by. Hope the new peeps are nice.
I’ve been freezing cold and sleeping a lot of the time over the bank holiday. Sat in the garden a little bit early on but not much to watch the birds. I’m in tears or on the verge the whole time when I feel ill. Just want mam to come back and this whole nightmare to end. I keep thinking how she’d love sitting watching the birds and be proud of what I’ve created. I’ve lost my drive and can’t motivate myself to do anything. I know it will pass as it always does but it’s torture while it lasts.
I’m pleased you are going to get diagnosed with your ADHD. It could take a while so be chuffed that you’ve taken the first step. When you have the information you know what you are dealing with and what options are available to you. But do your research on medication. My GP was ready to put me on statins for high cholesterol which is totally unnecessary given that diet and exercise can reduce the numbers. I don’t trust GP’s now. All the meds I’ve tried for anxiety made it worse. Often dealing with the side effects are worse than simply tackling the situation itself. When you develop coping strategies they are sometimes enough. And remember that you are in charge and have the power to make decisions for yourself. There ae lots of agendas going on with big pharmaceutical companies pushing their products.
I’ve had a not so great start to my day. The face fell off my clock that mam bought me years ago. The simplest thing can have a major impact on how you feel. Knowing that things run their course and I’ll get back on track again with the garden keeps me going.
It’s turned really quite cool and will be for this week. Perfect for finishing the trellises if I had the energy. Not sure I’ll be swimming with the drive home afterwards. But might meet my niece for lunch tomorrow. See how I feel.
It was good of your boss to let you go. Thing is you put the hours in and should deserve something back. They couldn’t not let you sort out the loo as it’s a health hazard. What will you do with the rest of your day?
Pleased that the mosaic pics have inspired a use for your lovely bowls. The birds will come if you keep the water topped up. So lovely watching the babies drinking and having a flap about in the pond. If you wanted a big project you could dig out a section of lawn (doesn’t have to be that deep), add a liner (I used ‘Swell’ online for mine) and some plants and watch the wildlife come to you. Pumps are inexpensive and adds an ambience to the garden. You could do a section at a time and the turff you dig up you can pile up to create a raised bed or rockery, adding top soil or compost for depth. I haven’t seen my hedgehogs this year and was hoping I would. It was always a delight to see the family coming out of the hutch on a morning for a wee and then going back to bed.
However bad our worst days are I know they will end and I’ll have some reprieve. Going out to work must be a double edged sword situation - keeping busy gets you through the day and having to focus on tasks in hand, but then having to be emotionally ‘stable’ when upset must be incredibly hard to fake. I wouldn’t be able to do it. But then I just don’t care what people think anymore. I lost that ‘public face’ when I lost mam. It’s just too hard to pretend now that I’m ok when I’m not. I’m sure your mam will be incredibly proud of you and your strength to keep going. You’re allowed off days. It makes me wonder how mam coped with everything she had going on in her life. I was so immersed in myself that I barely noticed. Grief makes me question everything and look at it all from a new perspective.
I’m so tired I might not get to therapy. And I’m worried that when I return I won’t have my bay. I don’t feel able to fight with anyone. The neighbours see me as a stuck up bitch when I have to fight my own corner. I shouldn’t have to. They don’t know how to behave in the real world. I miss chatting to mam and having her telling me what to do. I’m so tired doing it all on my own.
You’ll be back to work now after the loo episode. Hope the week is uneventful from here. And you have your beautiful Loch to look forward to. I’ve been watching the new Annika on Sat evening. I think of you as it’s based in Scotland and is picturesque, on the water.
Bye for now hun. Lots of love xxx

[christine51]

Hi Nick,
I absolutely know that place where everything is a massive effort and sometimes I cannot even sit in the garden. I’ve lost my energy and have been in bed sleeping or watching films most of the weekend. It must be very stressful having a time limit on getting things done. What I do is keep a diary and plan my days with jobs in advance. Ticking things off, however small a task, gives a sense of achievement. Look at what you have already done to create some balance so that you do not become overwhelmed. Can you call on anyone to give you a hand? I find doing it all myself is ok as long as I am in control. But when I lose that I become unable to do anything. Getting lots if small tasks done might spur you on. People who have not suffered grief cannot possibly imagine how complex the effects of it are. And to sell your home and move is one of the biggest most stressful things to do. So imagine your brother is with you and advising, encouraging, helping you to see a way forward. Knowing the buyer is keen is the biggest thing. And you have that already. So you’re winning!
You can tackle your brothers garden when you move in but I love that the weeds are thriving. Imagine the wildlife you will discover in there. Probably make new fox friends. Will the man feed the fox when you move out f you ask him, or your neighbours? If you aren’t far away the fox might follow. Hope so. I haven’t seen my little guy since he was trying to get a pigeon but he still finishes his food every night. Loves the dog biscuits I add to the dogfood. I know there are other foxes come into the garden at night because of all the squealing, especially when I put eggs out. The excitement!
I love that the cat is in charge of the fox! Porsch just watches everything but I wouldn’t want to leave her out there at night, just in case. She’s quite feeble now and not up to defending herself. She’s out there on her cushion wrapped in a blanket as it’s quite cool still.
Keep popping in for some support. I always find it helps me to keep going. Just knowing you are all here makes me feel less alone and more encouraged to try when I feel I can’t do anything. Having one of those days today after doing nothing over the weekend. Think I’ve worn myself out.
Lots of love xxx

[christine51]

Hi Tina,
So pleased you are inspired! I am too and will have a look on Amazon for sparkly bits and glass etc. Wish I could pop to the shops like you, even though I know how hard that is for you. You could also try looking in charity shops for more china to smash up. Anything with colour and pattern. I think the more variety used the better. Can’t wait to get started on my patio now and when that is done I’ll do the step and then create hangings and the lollipops on tall bamboo to stick in with the plants. Anything that glints with sun will be magical.
Passing your mam at the churchyard would have certainly been an unexpected shock but you could try looking at it that your mam was saying hello. I always try to look at things from different viewpoints when I’m trying to make sense of something. But it’s really hard when the sadness descends. It’s like having no resilience to the torment, whatever I say to try to motivate myself. Sometimes I just need to stop and do nothing. Those saying do have truth to them but it is so lost on the young. Grief certainly gives us a depth of insight and a new way of seeing the world. I still want the world to go back to when mam was here and everything made sense. I had no clue then of how desperate I would feel without her. But apart from how it makes me feel I’m most sad that mam is no longer living her life, being who she is. How can that end? I still don’t get it. Such a beautiful soul. I wish I had appreciated who she was when I was able to. I was so distracted living my life that I didn’t tell her how loved she was. I’d give anything to tell her that. I just can’t stop torturing myself for not being more open to expressing my love for her, actually telling her ‘Mam, I love you more than life itself’. But I know that isn’t real, everyday life. I’m so tired of beating myself up all the time because I’m not perfect. Nothing I do now means anything to me. Not without mam to see it and to tell me what she thinks.
I’ll be getting new neighbours on the other side to me so I hope they aren’t nutters like the rest of them in this street. I was just saying about my parking bay and not wanting to fight if the man parks in it again. I just don’t have the strength to deal with that situation. I’m too tired. Don’t even know if I can get to therapy today. I’ll get dressed and then decide. He doesn’t understand why I’m still this upset about mam.
Hope you got some good treasures on your shopping trip. There is a freedom to being unknown, just a face in a crowd. Looking forward to seeing the pics. Working out what you will do and how you will tackle it is the fun bit. I’ve just remembered that my friend had some tiles. Will ask him later.
Off to get dressed. All I want to do is sleep and stop crying.
Lots of love xxx

[NEILB72]

Hi everyone
Just thought I would share with you that it is now 18 months exactly since Mum passed- actual day and date Tue 30th Nov 21- Tue 30th May 23. Still have days where I just cannot believe what happened. Tuesday is usually a pretty rubbish day for me as you know. All about getting through today. Got cinema tomorrow so that will help get me in a good frame of mind.
Hope your day and week will be kind to you all
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x

[christine51]

Hi Neil,
Yes, Thursday last week was the half a year in the second year for me. Still mark my diary every Thursday even if I can’t visit her tribute site. It just doesn’t feel real sometimes, like how can it be real? I still see her at all different times of our life together. Still feeling guilty for every I did / didn’t do. And then I compare that to dad having her run around after him until she literally went into hospital and didn’t come out. I just want it to stop and my life go back to normal with mam in it. Can’t stop crying and have to go to therapy soon. Usually feel better for going and if I don’t I might not get another slot as he’s so busy. I’m glad you have something to look forward to. Not even the babies cheeping outside s enough to tempt me out there. My life stopped when mam left. And whatever I do to fill in the time means nothing. Wish I had a time machine!
Thought of you when I saw a bit of The Hobbit on tv. Made me laugh at getting mixed up with Harry Potter. Very different films! Still love the nasty orcs.
I know the sadness will dilute eventually but it’s so intense when I can’t snap out of it as they say. Might get a cheesecake if I can get to Sainsbury’s after. Always mams fave.
Lots of love Neil xxx

[Tina19]

Hi Christine

I’m astounded that you describe yourself as a “stuck up bit**”! You sound like the least stuck up bit** I’ve probably ever come across! But you do right to stand your ground as sadly these days it really does seem to be a “dog eat dog” world and those dogs can seem to be bigger and more ferocious at times. The new neighbours may well be everything you’d like them to be and wouldn’t it be good to have new faces that may turn into good friends or someone even to share a bit of chat with even. I hope the parking bay situation sorts itself. They’ll not know the lie of the land possibly but parking is one of those things likely to spark off a whole nuclear war. I don’t know what it is about it but it’s the same here.

I’m going to have a go at this mosaic later. Nothing outlandish or adventurous, just plain. I had a lovely mug recently with loads of cats faces in it that I threw away in a decluttering moment of madness. The handle had dropped off and and I was using it for pens so decided to throw it out. That’s the thing about throwing stuff out you always seem to need it.

It is much cooler now isn’t it. Has its advantages/disadvantages but it’s something to not feel cold so I’m happy in that respect st least.

I hope you feel a bit stronger soon. It’s like you say, you do feel better after a while but it’s awful when we are in the depths of it isn’t it. I’ve wasted do much time recently through not having the mental energy so can understand that.

Will check in later
Much love xx

[christine51]

Hi Tina,
I think I’m just in a panic at getting new faces and not knowing who they are, fearing they could be like what I am surrounded by. It’s because I don’t fit in here that I am described as stuck up. It’s their issue not mine. Thank you for saying that I’m not! I think if I was life would be easier.
Had to sleep again yesterday when I got in. I’m so exhausted with grief. When it descends I’m locked into it and become so incapacitated. My therapists says I should feel close to mam with all my lovely memories of her, without the sadness of her not being here. But I don’t know how to let her go. Remembering her highlights her absence. I wish she could see my garden. She’d be amazed at what I’ve done on my own.
It’s 5.30 and I’m wide awake and have now woken Porsch. She’s next to me purring. I’ll have to get up soon to feed her or she’ll start her screaming! Hope I can do something constructive today, even if it’s cleaning the fishtank. Like you say there’s so much time wasted when gripped by grief. I could have wired up the new lights when not in the garden but I just can’t focus my mind.
Pleased you are going to make a start on the mosaics. Even just playing around with the bits, seeing what you can do, where it takes you. Playing is very creative, gets the juices flowing. I don’t even have the interest at the mo to look online at bits. Was thinking coloured glass would be a fab addition. Such a shame you threw the cat mug away but I’ve done the same with chipped bits and can now see they would be useful. It’s sad to think of all mams old china sitting in the cabinet without her here. All her precious bits that will never get used again. And here come the tears again. Once the sadness lifts I’ll be full steam ahead. Waiting for it to lift is like feeling lost, having no purpose.
Porsch is off to the kitchen in search of breakfast so I’ll go for now before she gets in a strop! She’s back again so must go.
Lots of love xxx

[Tina19]

Hi Christine

I was just gonna go to bed for the night but thought I’d check in to see what you have been up to. You are right, you’ll get to the “full-steam-ahead” speed again but it seems we have to work to grief’s timetable and have little say in the matter. Probably the temporary rest will do you good as well. It

I made a base for the mosaic, probably 9x9 inches. I want to add mirror in too. I made the mistake of looking online at all the iridescent, metallic and glittery square mosaic tiles and my mind was well and truly blown. However, in light of the tiles being obtained from a FreeCycle site I’m going to see if i can make it for free in the spirit of the free cycle website.

I thoroughly agree, it’s heartbreaking as we would love to get the approval of our Mum’s on what we achieve. Sometimes that feeling gets unmanageable but on the days we feel up to it we can see the end result of what we’ve managed and think what an achievement. Doesn’t even have to s big deal, just a tiny achievement.

I’m really sorry I’m gonna have to cut this message short as I’m falling asleep and keep typing all sorts as my hand is resting on the keyboard.

Will chat again when you are feeling better, no rush.

Love to Porsch too xx

[christine51]

Hi Tina,
So pleased to see you here again and it’s great that you’ve made headway on getting the base done for the mosaic. I looked on Google for tiles and discovered lovely bathroom tiles on Ebay and Mexican tiles on Amazon. Just have to see what theme I’m going for as the bathroom tiles are a lovely light blue like the sky and would go well with the grey paving already down. Texted my pal about the tiles he promised me but no reply. I’d much rather do it all for free as I love recycling. Looking forward to your pics as you go. I always find taking pics as I develop something spurs me on. I’ve got so far as having the two colour options (tranquil blue, jazzy colour or a traditional blue and white old ‘English’ porcelain (which I love as it reminds me of mam with her old china). I could mix and match, doing the light blue throughout the patio (tiles are bigger too) and do the one I love on the step as a detail to mam. Sometimes writing things down like this processes my thoughts. I’ve decided to opt for the blue theme.
Just come in from feeding the birds and having my cuppa outside with Porsch. It’s really quite chilly. Think I’ve caught a cold as I’ve been doing this the last week. That’s probably why I’ve been feeling so off. But I have my electric drill on charge after getting two posts in yesterday (tried getting the spikes out but they wouldn’t budge so decided to just go with it. Really chuffed with getting two posts secured and the trellis tied up ready for today. It was a spur of the minute before I came in yesterday teatime having already had a nightmare day with the pond. Had to repot all of my plants as they had escaped their pots and were floating ontop. It was a huge task. And then discovered the pumps stopped working so I had to sort that out. Not a quiet transition back into the garden after not being out there for a couple of days. But I’m determined to finish the trellis today and that will close up the gap of being watched by the creeps mate 2 doors down.
I was very aware of the new neighbours who seem to have moved in, though they come and go. There was a lot of whistling and a cough to let me know they were there but I just couldn’t peep through the fence and say hello. Just not up to it and in a vile mood trying to sort the pond out as I couldn’t leave it. And mostly just too sad about mam. Trying to not cry the whole time. Like now.
Will you be doing your mosaic today? Even if you don’t actually get anything physically added the thinking about and researching all counts. The end product is the accumulation of everything you don’t see that goes into a creative piece. I think adding mirrors is a beautiful idea. Etsy was the other site I found with great individual hand crafted pieces. Amazon does everything too.
I’m not there yet for full steam ahead! but I’ve moved on from being stuck in the bedroom and sleeping.
Where has our summer gone? It’s really quite cold here. But great for getting jibs done. Porsch is wrapped in her fur blanket and refuses to budge or have breakfast because there are no treats on the go after she had too many yesterday and was sick. She’ll be in a huff all day now. Baby birds were waiting for me for their breakfast. I’ll miss them when they head off, if they do.
Will get dressed and make a start. Have no enthusiasm but it will return. Took some pics of the garden while I was out there and have some roses out and loads of buds to come. Inspiring me to keep going. Will post later today when I come back in.
Lots of love xxx

[christine51]

Hi guys,
Had a productive day today getting a trellis up, though it seemed to take forever. Couldn’t removed the spikes yesterday so left them in and with a lot of faffing about I managed to get the posts in and fixed so it was ready for today. The trees were really in the way but I managed eventually, closing that gap where the creep and his mate could see me. When I was up the ladder I heard her shouting out and there was no reply so I’m presuming it was aimed at me. Certainly being watched as I worked. So here are the pics from today.
Posts ready from yester.

Trees a nightmare

but trellis up with bamboo roll fixed closing that gap.

Really not looking forward to the next one down.

Covered the posts with extra bamboo roll cut offs. Will add a climber to cover and it can wander up through the trees.

Absolutely buggared! Have more pics to post from last few days but need to sort them first.
Will pop back later if I don’t fall asleep!
Still very upset about mam. Can’t seem to switch it off. Hope you are all getting through the day ok. I feel better for being in the garden and for being busy. Not so warm and sunny today. Can’t believe another week is nearly done again. Time is such a strange creature now.
Lots of love xxx

[christine51]

Good morning guys.
Today is quite chilly but Porsch insisted on being out in her blanket. Here she is on sunnier days. Such a sweetie but likes her own way!

Been up since about 6.30, fed the birds, ordered their food, an Asda shop, more fixings to finish the fence trellis, sorted photos. The creep is creeping and now making a right racket with his power tools. Hope he buggars off soon so I can get dressed and get my plants from yesterday planted up to finish the new trellis area. Great news on a refund for the plants that died (foxgloves, a fern and my withering acer). Mam always said ‘If you don’t ask you won’t get’. Always worth a try.
Still haven’t got in to weed the border which is certainly thriving!

as is the pram.

Pleased I captured the hawthorn when it was in bloom as it’s already going back over

as is the fruit tree (not sure what it is but I’ll find out when it starts fruiting, if it even is a fruit!)

Imagine how abundant the garden would be if everything was full and lasted forever. A heavenly garden.
My roses have started to open and there are lots of buds.

Climbers at the middle border scrambling up into the trees and onto the canopy:

The old red at the back does well in the shade by the small pond:

A single pink decorates the top arch:

Pinks in the bathtub:

The pergola has large white blooms, planted when I first moved in:

Honeysuckle is about to burst forth

and the tiny flowers of pink jasmine are starting to open.

My clematis is wonderful with its huge petals and vivid colour:

My yellow irises are huge and I always think of mam when I see yellow.

Sweet Williams are coming out to play, adding touches of red and pinks.

We’ve had some glorious sunshine to bring the garden out. I look forward to may more days with Porsch basking in the heat (as long as I don’t wilt!) under the pergola:

Hope my figs don’t drop off like every year!

Pond plants have been repotted and aren’t floating today like I found them yesterday.

My job for today is to sort the waterfall pipe as it stopped working and pot up the new shady plants. So an easy day compared to the trellis work.
Hope you all have as good a day as it can be. I’m always surprised if I have a ‘good’ day that hasn’t been overcast with sadness for mam. So I know it is possible to have little bubbles of joy, however long they may last. Texted my niece for a swim at the weekend but haven’t heard from her all week.
Have lots more pics of feasting baby birds and my squirrel. Think my fox is sleeping here

Saw him nibbling on some nuts this morn. He’s so beautiful and very healthy. Seems to always be about, waiting for a tasty morsel no doubt. When the birds go quiet I know he’s lurking!
Have noticed the bees and wasps are flitting about now. Saved this beauty from drowning and watched it having a wash.

Hope to check back in later.
Lots of love guys and Tina, I hope the flower pics have inspired create crafting! xxx

[Tina19]

Hi Christine

I’m always inspired into doing something after I’ve read your posts as your enthusiasm is very infectious. I’ve just come in from the garden as I was going to get the mosaic pieces and see what I can do. I had to come in because Zoe won’t behave herself. Now the wood burning store is a bit fuller she’s walking off with logs to chew and of course I’m stressing about splinters in her mouth. She’s already ran out with 2 hair bulldog clips and chewed them to bits whilst I was doing some housework. A handful of tadpoles would be easier to handle! Porsch looks like the queen of Sheba in that little patch, she looks so serene! I’m absolutely astounded at the height of those fences, you must be like Spiderman getting those up there. Well worth the effort though for the privacy gained and peace of mind that goes with it.

I am always spurred on with taking pictures after I’ve seen yours but mine just never look as good and I always usually decide not to post them. I might have another go later today. The roses that I pruned hard have exploded with buds so hope something nice comes from them. I don’t think he’s gonna move the roses now after all so I’m pleased about that. Fingers crossed. I love the lanterns too. I can imagine they glint every now and again. I saw a bamboo wind chime in town the other day and I was gonna buy it but I read somewhere that they are classed as “anti-social” so decided against it!

I was at Asda very early this morning and bought some “healthy” stuff for a change, see whether I can give myself a bit of momentum. I did buy a bar of chocolate. A 100g one, 539 calories but I’m going to use it as a treat after each meal instead of in one sitting, which is a start!

I’ll see what I can do in the garden for a while and pop back later.

Much love
xx

[Tina19]

Hello Neil and Nick

Hope you are both doing ok and getting something from the nice weather. As the old saying goes ,“make hay while the sun shines”.

I understand what you mean Neil as I can’t really believe what has happened really has. My mind plays tricks like she’s just on a hospital stay or something like that and all this is just temporary. I hope you were ok on the 30th. At least as much as can be expected.

Nick - how are you as well. I can understand how difficult the garden situation must be at your brother’s. In my home I shared with my Husband I had a very full and bursting garden and after he passed away I went to stay with family and havent gone back. I go back every now and again but I’m so upset to see the utter devastation of the garden that was once someone’s home. One day I’ll get enough courage to attend to it but it’s still not yet.

How is the anxiety and depression? I have the same. Sometimes it’s there and sometimes it fades and I don’t notice it the same.

Make sure you don’t overwork yourself

Xx

[Tina19]

Hello Palou

I hope are coping as well and that the warmer weather is helping. I know a bit of sun can’t change things on a mass scale but just feeling a bit warmer at least is something I find.

Take care

xx

[NEILB72]

Hi Tina
Not feeling too bad now as the end of the week is my best time. The 30th brought it all back again especially being on a Tuesday . Very hard to believe it is now 18 months without Mum.
Did go and see the new Guardians of the Galaxy film on Wed and really enjoyed that. Marvel lost their way recently but this was a real return to form. Not doing anything this weekend but will be watching The Derby and the FA Cup Final tomorrow. West Ham’s big Euro Final is on Wed evening.
Next week I have an opera to see followed by the Royal Ballet the week after so more things to look forward to.
Hope you have a peaceful weekend
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x

[Nick22]

Hello Tina19, thanks for asking. I have been relatively well the last few days now, but, my brother’s garden looks like jungle. (So does mine, but the new owner can do it.) I also found another dandelion at my brother’s front door, almost as tall as I am. I think I will take some photos. - My anxiety is not so bad at the moment and my depression seems to be getting better also. - I have been taking part in the German speaking group again today and I was in a good mood, best so far. I just hope it will carry on like this. (I will find out.) - I will also take part in the bereavement group again tomorrow, two hours. - I got myself a new hoe today, could not find the old one. It did cost £20 but it is much better than the old one. I just have to make sure that I do not get carried way. (Too late, I did read you post after I tried it out.) My back hurts a bit now, but I will be OK again tomorrow. I always forget how old I am. - How bad is your anxiety and depression? I still cannot figure out what triggers it. Once it hits me, it is too late and my brain stops working. It is as if there are two different parts in the brain and they do not talk to each other. Perhaps my brain brain does not like me (haha, I am a Gemini). I do not know if you have the same problem. It is as if I am using a flashlight and it is switching itself off all the time. Perhaps I am just going mad. - I also noticed that I cannot remember any of my dreams. - I am at stage 4 now and hope I will be at stage 5 soon. (almost 16 months now).

I hope you can sleep well, and, I also hope that you have a pleasant weekend, only 18-19C where I am - Nick

[christine51]

Hi Tina,
Zoe is such a handful! Don’t know how you get anything done. I remember how headstrong my sister’s dogs were even after training. Don’t think I’d have the willpower to keep battling.
And talking of willpower, I wonder how long that lasts with the chocolate bar! I certainly couldn’t do it but well done for taking that positive step. When I do my online shop I’ll have all sorts of treats and if I’m being really good I’ll go back in and delete all the naughty things. Really does depend on my mindset as to whether I’ll have lots or none at all. None for tomorrow. So will be regretting that when it comes. Will be mostly cat and fox food with cleaning products and the usual cheese, milk, eggs etc. But I do have some Mr Jubblies to munch on for watching telly. Very addictive.
I’m beyond surprised that peeps think a wind chime can be anti social! I hope you post your pics. Would love to see your rose with all the buds. I haven’t pruned mine so will do that in the Autumn. I’m always chuffed when I see colour in the garden but then am so deflated when Monty is standing in his beautiful garden surrounded by his perfect borders. And I can understand now why my plug plants always die. They’re too small to not be nurtured in a greenhouse. Planted up my sweet peas and don’t think they’ll come to much. Might have to settle for more woodland plants to fill in the gaps. Now the fence is high it creates a lot of shade and has transformed the space. Got my plants potted up as a temporary measure to grow them on over summer and will plant up in Autumn.
There was more whistling from the new neighbours again but I just couldn’t say hello. With a fence separating us am I supposed to peer through the gaps and shout hello!? It’s so awkward. I don’t know them. I’ve never been in this situation. So I say nothing and keep planting! They gave up eventually. I’m just not in a making friends mood. Burst out crying thinking of mam. I found the peg bag I’d made for her and was taking pics to show you. I’d also hung some of her net curtains up to provide a canopy to stop the plants getting splattered with bird poo (will have to clean the leaves tomorrow if the creep goes out). Found her brolly to stop the sun going on her legs for the summer but she didn’t use it. It still had the tag on. Why did she have to die? I was sitting with her things all around me but she isn’t here any more. It’s so heartbreaking. I couldn’t stop crying. I know she died but my brain refuses to accept it. Everything is so painful when I am reminded of her not being here. I had to come in as I couldn’t stop crying. I thought I’d picked myself up again. Doing the trellis was a nightmare but getting angry with it channeled my energy into getting it done. Not being angry leaves me with sadness because I can’t stop thinking of her. I keep seeing her and it makes me cry. I really didn’t ever imagine that her time would run out and she would stop being. It doesn’t make any sense.
I hope the new people don’t take offence that I can’t be friendly. I’m so not able to pretend that I’m ok. They don’t know what is going on with me. I just want to be left alone. Don’t know why I keep going out there. The comments from other neighbours about me being arrogant and stuck are now a regular thing. I think ‘Go on. Do your worst. My mam has died. Whatever you do to me just doesn’t compare’. Nobody says it to my face though. Doesn’t help that my ‘friend’ and niece haven’t replied to my texts. Feeling so isolated. Just want my mam.
Will post pics tomorrow. Watching the babies fighting in the basket didn’t even stop the tears. I can’t stop. Will I be like this forever? I can’t imagine not crying for mam. I’m probably exhausted off all the work I’ve been doing.
See you tomorrow.
Lots of love xxx