Hope you are managing today, be that having a quiet moment or a mad slog in the garden. I hope Porsch is still improving.
Haven’t really a lot to tell today. I went to Asda and forgot Zoe’s PupCup birthday cake ingredients so that was a bit of a nuisance. Got the washing out early and that’s been about it at the moment. I did find the missing kitchen scales though. When I was putting my shopping away I found out I’d put them in the freezer. I’m really not quite the full shilling as the saying goes.
I’ll be glad when Zoe stops shedding, just saying to Palou about this grey haze that descends and if I miss a 3 hourly clean when I get round to it it’s like there’s this new carpet underneath I forgot existed!
Got to nip to the coop later and then that’s it. He’s off tomorrow so that’s double work for me but on the plus side don’t have to worry about missing the 6am alarm!
Hi Tina,
Really not feeling well. Sleeping lots. No energy. Not able to do much physically as get so worn out. That’s why I haven’t been posting. Sat in the garden earlier as the creep went out, got dressed, watched some rubbish films, tried sitting out again but had to come back in. When creep is here he’s blasting music in the garden so I’ve spent the day in the bedroom. I hate living here. And no word from my niece to see how I am after telling her how ill I feel and that I couldn’t go swimming. Porsch has spent the day outside. Feeling really isolated. At least being well gives me the option of being busy.
You mentioned Zoe shedding and having loads of fur on the carpet. You could try a hairbrush and then tape wound around your hand would lift the bits left behind. Seems you have a constant battle on your hands. Can’t quite believe she’s just 2 on her birthday. You are such a good mam doing her a special cake, whenever you do it. She’ll certainly love you for it.
Porsch is being really fussy again with her food. Having to mix it up a bit with her tinned paste and packet wet food. All I can do is keep encouraging her. She won’t entertain the mince my friend brought round again. But I’m getting the tablets into her.
Really missing my mam. I just want to be with her, not even chatting. She seems very far away now.
Hope I feel better tomorrow. Just can’t do anything.
Lots of love xxx
Just thought I would drop by. You don’t sound too well to be honest. You’ve been ragged around in a washing machine recently and now it’s stopped I can imagine it feels a bit like shellshock. Plus all this trauma with Porsch has meant your focus has had to be with her, but now she’s stronger your full focus is back to your Mam again. It’s probably hitting you like a sledge hammer all over again. No wonder you feel exhausted. I wouldn’t like to be so bold to assume that’s what it is as Im no intellect on how the mind works but I know that’s how I’d be experiencing things. Weekends always seem to magnify these feelings. Tomorrow could be entirely different. Creep will be at work, you’ll have a bit of freedom to come and go in the garden probably. You don’t even have to do anything, although I do understand how hard it is to just sit in a garden and not want to do anything.
I’m sorry to hear Porsche is being a little picky with her food. Proper fussy little princess isn’t she! Have you tried a bit of Tuna in spring water? I wouldn’t know if it would interfere with her condition or medication or anything but was just thinking it may be a different taste for her to take her tablet in.
I’ve been to the shop twice today but like yourself am utterly knackered. My head’s tired and my body is pretty much the same and he’s off tomorrow so there will likely be fun and games but not in a good way. I’m tempted to stick a handful of Zoe’s hair in his bed, give him something to complain about!
Sorry to hear your Niece hasn’t been in touch. It’s totally outrageous and incomprehensible. If your Niece is a little immature you’d think her Mum would point out the error of her ways but obviously she is part of the problem as well. I can’t even imagine how this must be making you feel.
Gosh I’m rambling on and saying very little. I’ll make a drink and call it a night, that’s not to say I won’t be awake at 3 or 4 am not being able to sleep.
Best wishes for a better day tomorrow. Don’t rush to be back chatting on the forum, I know what it’s like when you just can’t face it.
Hi Tina,
I’ve been woken by rats on the roof or in the loft and so have been up the ladder burning peppermint oil and josh sticks, putting out white wine vinegar too to deter them. I had closed the hatch yesterday because the creek has a bloke staying over. I had visions of them carving another hole through the loft wall and getting in again. I’m so frightened living next to him. Still waiting for the council to repair the roof and seal along the roofline. I’m so tired of being frightened and alone. Want to move away but where would I go? I want to disappear.
Porsch is taking full advantage of me getting up early but I’m pleased to see her eating. I think you’re right about feeling a bit shell shocked. I just want mam to come back and make me feel safe again. She always knew what to do, when to do it and when to just sit back and let things take their natural course. Without her I don’t feel like I’m even living. I’m going through the motions of what I think I should be doing. I’m so tired of having to face the world alone. It’s exhausting. Dreading that first wake up when Porsch is no longer here and trying to get through the day. It will be like mam again.
I’m sure my sister would prefer my niece to stop contact with me all together. I know she gets my texts because she’s never off her phone, even when I’m with her. I thought she enjoyed spending time with me. I really cannot comprehend my sister hating me so much that she would turn her back on me after mam. And then my dad to join her. How can that happen? I’ve always been there doing whatever was needing to be done. I wish I could be getting ready now to go over to the old house for the day, bit of gardening, maybe’s a trip out for compost to the garden centre, popping in for a scone. I miss my old life so much Tina. It was hard doing anything with my agoraphobia but I pushed myself and when I got home again I felt a real sense of achievement. Mam understood that. But she was the only one. It seems as though my sister / dad would fight against me having my own way, of my need to feel in control. All I want now is to be with my mam. It’s the only thing that matters to me. Couldn’t have comprehended that before. I’ve tried doing stuff, like swimming, but it feels so empty. To be completely alone in the world would make no difference to me now. I feel alone without mam in the world. She loved life. She loved having us all with her. I could never understand why my sister was so reluctant to go over there, unless it was to the car bootie. I loved seeing mam happy, dashing about in the kitchen, cooking up lovely things for tea with my laying the table and filling bowls. She was the heart and soul of our life. I still can’t understand how that can stop. I wish I could go back.
I’m so pleased to see your post Tina. I feel so alone again. Not getting into the garden over the last week has made it really hard again. But I would leave it all behind to go and sit peacefully with mam in the sunshine. I don’t think I’ve ever really grown up. I’ll always be her little girl, looking for mischief.
I noticed mams xmas tree has turned to rust. Don’t think I’ll get another one. I don’t see the point in any of it. I want the pain to stop. The heartache of missing her. I feel so broken without her. I wonder if she knew how much I love her. I couldn’t have imagined how hard this would be. When we were all with her I even said not to worry about dad, we’d take care of him. She must have been so worried about leaving us all behind. I just want to be with her. I’m so alone without her Tina. I want to love her again. Where does all that love go now? Really cannot imagine the toll that years of this will have on me. My therapist tells me to revisit all my lovely memories but it just makes me cry more. Can’t understand why everyone doesn’t feel like this. How can they not? I’m in so much pain and they are quite happily living their lives without her. I don’t understand how. She deserved so much more. She loved us all dearly. I hope she can see how much I miss her. Absolutely heartbroken without her. I hope she can see that and maybe’s visit me. I’ve been waiting all this time. She still hasn’t been buried with her parents. It was her biggest wish, to be with them. She would always take flowers to their grave when I was little and every trip up north. I can understand why she carried that grief all her life. She hid so much sorrow but I can see it now. I want to talk to her as an adult who understands, instead of the child I was before she left. I’m in such torment. It never ends.
Going to try to get some sleep. Porsch is back in her drawer. I slept in my bed last night as it was very cool in the sitting room. She’s snoring peacefully now. Hope to join her.
Be thinking of you today and hope your bro behaves himself. Think you should collect Zoe’s hair and stuff it all in the bottom of his bed. Hope the creep buggars off so I can sit in the garden with Porsch. Even that feels like a real effort now.
Lots of love Tina xxx
Hi Tina,
I’m frightened to open the curtains. Creep still has his mate over and I’m afraid that he will do something. Lots of laughing and noises from the sitting room wall when I went to turn on the fishtank. Will be trapped in bedroom for however long they are here. Can only imagine the pleasure and power he gets from the effect this is clearly having on me. Wondering if his mates know what he has done and are all in on it. I’ve never felt so frightened. Thankfully Porsch is back in her drawer and not wanting to go out. If nobody believes me or do and don’t care (the neighbours) and nothing has been done to him (the council) he will think he can do anything he wants to me in secret (because he presents himself as ‘normal’). He knows where the cameras are to not get caught. Waiting to see if they are leaving. And they are now. Creep is waving his arms around talking about the hedge that separates the front of house. Can’t hear but seems that he’s slagging off my attempt to cut my side and then delicately touching his part. This is a grown man! When they get in the car to go he then comes back with something, looking at my windows (curtains still closed). Just can’t help himself. I can sit in the garden now he’s gone. Really need for someone to believe what he is doing to me.
Hi all,
Managed to sit out for a little bit with Porsch. Researched textile artists in London to see what is going on and for inspiration to get going again with my work. Still have no energy but have already done a shop for tomorrow, prepared an order for bird seed and straightened the house up, done dishes. About to get ready. It’s like being in a fog I can’t find the way out of. But I’m trying. Not sure I’ll be well enough for therapy tomorrow. When I was sitting in the garden heard shouting - ‘why don’t you just move!’ The bullying is relentless and just shouted out, whether I can hear them or not. The woman who hates me is mates with the bloke who visits next door so that explains the attitude on him about my parking bay. She’s also mates with the creep. So I have it on all sides. Most people would have moved away but I was here before all of them. I refuse to leave because of their problem. I can only imagine how threatened they are by me and presumably who they think I am. Unbelievable that grown people can behave like this towards a woman they do not know. I just want to be left alone. Off to get dressed now. Might sit out again if I can summon up the courage. And collect my bins which seem to be a real thing here. Don’t know what that means either. It’s a very strange world I’m living in. They wouldn’t be out of place on Craggy Island (Father Ted!)
Hope you are all having a peaceful day.
Lots of love xxx
How have you been feeling since you last posted? You seemed really distraught earlier. I have just read you’ve done an online shop and done some stuff in the house etc. Sometimes when you feel in that much distress even that can be a huge achievement. So good on you for getting that momentum. I am not over endowed with momentum or motivation. I waste such a lot of time, time none of us can buy back at a later time, I should know better.
Sounds awful what the neighbours were like yesterday. The only time you must get respite is in the Winter and you can’t go out then so what use is that to you, not a lot sadly. I can’t imagine he goes on holiday either and therefore is always around. Could you put a lock/catch on your loft hatch if you are worried about security and you’d then feel safer. Is it a shared roof space? My neighbour can’t walk through the loft but granted not every house is the same. As long as everything is locked down and you don’t have to go out after dark in your garden you’ll be ok. I know only too well that sometimes the fear comes from within, but he can’t do anything at all if you are safe safely inside. Does the person with the cats that you are friendly with also visit the creep’s friends too. Are they all friendly together?
I understand about all those lovely times with your Mam. We don’t think life can change so drastically do we. I often think back to life with my Husband and think was that really me in that life or someone else. I hate time passing. It sounds like you gave your Mam a lot of pleasure in her life. and she you. I can see why your therapist might have said think of the the happy places you went but personally I’d find that upsetting, so I can see why would may feel that way. Sometimes life seems extremely difficult without our Mum’s as emotional back-up. My siblings both have kids and although I was married that was in later life, so I took feel like I never really grew up in a sense but just got older
(But not wiser, sadly!).
I hope you can go to therapy. You always seem to be a bit lighter after you’ve been
out. Would you be able to get to a different town for the afternoon to have a bit of time away from your area. It’s an effort I know, but sometimes it can help just that little bit. Porsch should be ok on her own for a short while.
As horrendous as you feel you always find a bit of a chink of light to bring you up again and with this grief no two days seem to be the same do they. Tomorrow might be a little better. It may not last long, but be just a bit of respite.
I’ll check in later, if you can take any more of my ramblings !!
So glad to hear you are feeling so much better and well enough to enjoy your show. I must admit it doesn’t sound like anything I would like but new experiences now is what life is all about.
I went to the new Indiana Jones film and must admit I did enjoy it but I’m in the minority that likes the Crystal Skull lol x
The effects are great and to make him look 40 years younger was just fantastic and the whole film is basically an amalgamation of the other four films with certain scenes being totally or semi re-enacted with the older Indy….may sound waffle but when you see it you’ll get why I mean. It ends with a parody of one of my mums favourite bits from Raiders so felt she was watching too x
What have you got planned for the rest of the week? I’m back to work so bit of a bummer but knew I had to go back at some point lol x
My friend is going into hospital tomorrow so will go along and see her tonight. Luckily she should only be in one day x
Hi Suzanne
Going to see Indiana Jones on Thurs. A new cinema has opened in my local High Street, about five minutes walk away, and all tkts are a fiver for a couple of weeks so great value! Would have seen something last week if I had felt better.
Regarding shows, I do like to push the boundaries sometimes and try new experiences and do enjoy my visits to the Barbican.
Catch up soon
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
@christine51 sorry to hear about all the crap that is going on with you just now…doesn’t seem to be letting you catch a breath just now.
Positive things though that despite being a picky eater Porsch is taking her meds so can only get better or at least not get any worse, despite you desire for perfection your garden is amazing, you still go to your therapy as you always seems better after that…I know it’s hard for you to see right now but you do have lots of positives about you x
As for your niece….she is being very unfair, unkind and disrespectful to you imo. I know she is young and ‘in love’ but she could at least text. However I don’t think her behaviour is anything specifically about you…she maybe is as rude to her friends too. Would be interesting to know how many of her friends she still keeps in touch with…my bet probably not many.
As for the Creep…just keep taking notes/recording footage of all his behaviour and one day he’ll get his comeuppance….karma always pays her revenge x
Hi Beki,
Love the pic! You are brave swimming in open water. There’s a big open air pool at Hampstead but I was put off with stories of dead cows in the bottom. Going once a week will be something lovely to look forward to. Fun times, making new memories is what it’s all about and makes working hard worth it when you can have fun. Sounds like you got the balance just right celebrating your mams birthday. Bet your grandad will be looking forward to his sheep trip.
Keep going Beki. You’re doing great. I’m not feeling great at the mo but will get over it and back on track again. Think it’s the shock of Porsch being ill that’s catching up with me.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Tina,
I managed to sit out for a bit, filled the two ponds and did my water treatment in the big pond to clear the mud. Fingers crossed. Had to take the hose round to the shady top pond and discovered some plants have died. I just dispair of trying to grow new plants. Think I’ll have to stick to what I know will grow. Might contact the company as some are thriving.
Realised just how ill I am when I couldn’t stand up straight and had to keep kneeling down with the hose. I have no energy at all. Heard the creep and his mate were back but still sat out. Must have looked shocking because I could hear comments on how ill I look. Can’t believe they won’t leave me in peace even then. I can’t understand what the obsession is about watching me. I ignored them long enough to fill the pool and had to lie down again and dosed off. Don’t think I’ll be going to therapy tomorrow. Even if I got there I might not get back again. Wondering if it’s covid but don’t have a test. No cough though.
It was by chance I saw the creep going out with his mate, suited and booted, like he was going to a wedding or funeral. More like to be court given that they were back quite soon. Wondering if he breaks into houses for a living and has been caught. He drilled out a section of the loft wall, laid carpet over the bricks, crawled through it with his rats from his loft, and down through the ceiling hatch into my house. He left me a creepy typed sticker on my fridge plug saying ‘Stirrer’ and burned my wallpaper next to the boiler. The council eventually repaired the hole and I have a new ceiling hatch with massive pad locks drilled into the hatch surround to stop him getting in again. It’s that sense of entitlement that is really scary. That he can invade my house because he wants to. Drilled out the loft wall while I was at home. It’s the stuff of horror films. I wonder what he has done that I don’t know about. Creepy beyond belief. I read that the effects can cause PTSD. It’s an ongoing fear to be living next door to him. I really don’t feel safe at all. If he decides to get me I wouldn’t stand a chance. But at least then everyone would know I was telling the truth about him.
Feel a bit better for texting my friend (he isn’t mates with any of them but seems to know the new woman and she is nice). Told my niece how ill I am (she has a cold), and texted my sis up north. She’s busy as usual but I gave her an update on Porsch and the garden. I feel so cut off. I did have a lovely text back from my older nephew who I never see now. He’s so lovely.
Feeling worn out but less fearful than I was. It’s such an awful place to live and when I’m feeling vulnerable I really feel it. It’s like the neighbours can sense it. I long to return to my old life. There’s a definite before and after mam. I think not getting married and not wanting a family kept me ‘young’ and maybe’s that’s why I’m so destroyed by mam’s leaving. I can’t make sense of it because the emptiness I am living in now doesn’t make sense. Whatever sense of ‘normal’ is gone. It feels like I’m always waiting and have no peace now of just being. I’ll always be waiting to meet my mam again. I hope it’s soon. I wish I could go with Porsch. We could go together so she isn’t on her own.
I always look forward to your ‘ramblings’! Never stop. I’m always so pleased to see you here.
Was watching ‘Evacuation’ out of Kabul and had to stop watching. Too horrific. So I’m back in bed early. Might watch a film but feel so worn out I don’t think I can be bothered. Can’t wait to be back in control of my day again.
Night hun. Lots of love xxx
Hi Suzanne,
You’ll read about me seeing the creep suited and booted and I expect he was in court rather than a wedding or funeral. The arrogance on him is outstanding! I hope he gets caught and can’t wriggle out of it, or at least gets what he deserves. I’ve never come across anything like this before. It’s obvious he knows where the cameras are and doesn’t like being recorded so I’m winning in that respect. Feeling ill makes me feel very vulnerable. I’ve always had blokes looking out for me so to be alone makes me a target. I miss my mam so much. She never questioned what I was saying. It still astounds me that my dad and sisters didn’t believe what he was doing to me, despite the photos. To ignore something and pretend it’s not happening doesn’t make it go away. It makes the stress even worse. I wonder why my family behave like that when I’ve never given them a reason to. Makes me wonder if I’ve been blind all my life and just never noticed that attitude towards me or if they have hidden how they truly feel when mam was here. How can I be so disliked? I don’t understand it.
I texted my niece about how ill I am and her response is that she has a cold. I do feel ‘disrespected’. She only wanted to see me to get money. I’m ready now to let go and stop trying. But I did get a lovely text reply back from my older nephew who I never see now. He’s so lovely. I have to accept I am alone and trying to see my niece isn’t good for me. I’d rather have nobody than feel used.
Porsch is doing well, although she spat her tablet out 4 times tonight. She hates that she can’t win and refuses to eat. I just have to leave her to it. She’ll eat when she’s hungry. The creaming has started again so she’s getting back to her old self!
Really don’t think I’m ok to drive to therapy. Feel so physically drained. But I’ll see how I am in the morn. Maybe’s a rush of adrenalin is what is needed. And I have a shop to look forward to after.
I know you’re back to work but being able to do that is a sense of freedom. Wish I could have that choice. Feeling very trapped at home. Hope to start the swimming up again soon. At least it’s something.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
Enjoy your Indiana Jones at the new venue. Great that it’s so close and make the most of those tickets for a fiver. Glad you’re feeling better. I feel awful at the mo and might not get to my therapy tomorrow. Think the stress of Porsch has caught up and wiped me out. I know when I’m ill because I can’t fight it and have to sleep lots. Can’t wait to be back in control again.
Lots of love xxx
I hope what’s making you so poorly has lifted a bit. Maybe if you can manage therapy the change of scenery might make you feel a bit stronger and back on the road to being your energetic self. I haven’t got an “energetic self” so can’t really comment what that feels like!
I’ve got Zoe fed and have to wait the two hours now to keep her still so she isnt at risk from bloat like these big dogs are. I’m sure a toddler would be easier!
I need to get my act together and get to the shops later. I have a birthday gift to buy my Niece but what on earth to buy for a 25year old tattoo artist is proving quite difficult to work out.
It was nice to hear that your Nephew had been in touch. That must have lifted your spirits a bit. Thank goodness there is one nice person you can rely on on your road.
I’ll drop by later, it’s extremely windy and rainy here so glad I didn’t start walking to the shops town!
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