Hi Suzanne,
You never fail to make me laugh! Mingers pooing in the pool! I’ll be thinking of you when I’m swimming through the dead flies later on today. Hope it rains. I have so little energy at the mo I hope I go. Texted my niece but didn’t get a reply. Really just forcing myself to go by booking it.
Great news about the chick taking flight. Enjoy Saturday and hope to see some pics.
Porsch has her vet check tomorrow but I’m quite worried that she is not eating her renal foods now. I resorted to chicken and the meat in gravy Asda catfood because she wasn’t eating anything. It’s so stressful. Wondering about a liquid feed. She will not eat the meat at all. Wondering if she’s having trouble swallowing,. or if she has bad teeth. Tried looking but she finds it very stressful and I’ve been bitten a few times with the tablets. It’s like I’m just waiting now for her to die. I can’t imagine the house without her in it.
My early morns have stopped now and I’m struggling to get out of bed again. Hope to be revived with my swimming. Will let you know about Porsch tomorrow. So worried.
Lots of love xxx
That’s a lovely photo Neil. You look very cute and cheeky and what a lovely smile. Nice memories to look back on.
Sending love
Debbie xx
Hiya 
Good luck with the vet appt and please let me know how she goes x
As long as she is eating even a bit of meat daily that’s more beneficial to her than not eating at all and least she’s getting her daily taurine intake which she needs so don’t worry until told otherwise x try reframing your thoughts like instead of ‘waiting on her to die’….try think of her as living her best life and like us all the future is unwritten x
I read what you were saying about not listening to music etc that your mum liked…I can’t either but that’s cause she and I could not agree on music…she had a much larger variety of musical tastes than I do and all of her favs were awful imo 
x
I won’t pretend it will be easy but maybe try listen to a favourite song of your mum’s and remember her fondly through the sadness x
I was speaking to my old manager on Sunday and he lost his mum about two weeks after I lost mine and he was saying he still struggles but he is such a private man I felt humbled that he even semi opened up to me. I told him I have in theory started a new phase of my life ….doesn’t mean I can/will/want to forget past phases as mum will always be with me until we meet again but for me it was either adapt or give in….giving in wasn’t an option as mum would have been so pissed x i know everyone is different and no right way to grieve but just wanted to say if you ever feel up to it you can move forward albeit in a different way…moving forward is not forgetting or being disloyal to our mums x. Not sure if he is ready either but one day I hope he is cause he looks so defeated its sad x
Hope you enjoyed your swimming with dead flies what a picture that paints lol x
I bought a couple of metal hanging pots to go over my fence…which I still need to paint lol…but have no idea what to put in them…any suggestions to put in them?
Anyway got another early start tomorrow so will love you and leave you. Chat soon 
x
Hi Neil,
I love that photo of you and your dad…do you remember where it was taken as you both look so happy 
x
I’m glad you had a game plan for the day and hopefully you managed to have a wee tasty in honour of your dad’s memory x
Will check in tomorrow to see how you are doing x
Take care and much love 
x
Thanks Debbie xx
Hi Neil
So glad you got through yesterday, as difficult as that must have been. Isn’t history and the natural order of things fascinating as looking at your Dad in the photo there is almost like looking at you in your photo now. You are like two peas in a pod,
Much love xx
Hiya Christine
I couldn’t let today end (although it already has) without wishing you both well for tomorrow. I know every appointment is daunting and full of worry. I imagine very much it’s the worry that’s making you tired. I always think that tiredness from physical work like gardening is a luxury because once rested you are raring to go and you’ve recovered. Mental stress is a whole different kettle of fish I think. You’ve got a lot of wisdom to you today by describing how I feel my old life being someone else’s. I could not have put that better myself. I was also reading what you’d said to Neil about his Dad’s music and how that would upset you but little bits of it are coming back to you now. I’m the same and it’s a weird feeling isn’t it.
I’m furious for you that you seem to have a 2nd problem neighbour. Why is it that people have a misplaced sense of entitlement? One thing for the good is that he doesn’t live there thank goodness. Put your foot down with a firm hand as people would say. That’s not being bolshy that’s protecting what’s rightfully yours.
I hope the swim perks you up a bit tomorrow I think a “perk up” is long overdue.
Goodness I must go as I’m falling asleep.
Will be thinking of you both at the vet.
Much love xx
Hi Suzanne,
I couldn’t go to therapy or swimming yester as had no energy to even get dressed. Lay in bed and watched films and slept. Up early this morn with Porsch and feeling a lot better than I was so will take Porsch for her vet check and see what they suggest with the food. Will try the liquid feed if that will help her. And more chicken.
It’s really hard moving forward after mam when I am alone in whatever I try to do, and so limited by the agoraphobia. But I will try building my swimming routine again. Seeing my therapist Thursday.
Really can’t listen to mams songs. The words to songs she sang me to sleep to seem to haunt me randomly. I’ll probably play them at my funeral, though I doubt anyone would be there. Soz for being so negative. It’s always on my mind, death and dying and wondering if I will be with mam or there will be nothing at all. The fact that I’m still here shows how hard I’m trying. I’m just amazed you are all functioning, working, doing stuff etc. Doing the garden between the rain will continue but I now have no privacy even when the creep isn’t at home because of the bloke on the other side. I never see the woman but he is very nosy and passive aggressive towards me. I wonder why I am such a threat to people around here that they behave like that towards me. I just don’t understand it.
I think planting trailing ivy in your pots would be a good choice to green up your fence without having to tend to it. You could plant in the ground between them for it to travel up the fence for an overall cover. There’s different varieties with pretty foliage combo’s. I love ivy. Will be relieved to get the fence finished but will have to play it by ear and can’t work on it with an audience. Will have to feel stronger to even attempt it. I wish I had someone to help me and then I wouldn’t feel as vulnerable. Neighbours wouldn’t be so bloody rude then.
Not looking forward to the vet’s. Always in a state of panic, anxiety, extremely claustrophobic but trying to ignore it’s happening. The staff aren’t sympathetic at all, even when I was laughing about being so hot I would burst. Noticed one of the characters on East Enders is having panic attacks and PTSD, describing it as never being in the moment but reacting to the trauma all the time. Fear, high alert. I’d be great in a zombie apocalypse! It’s ordinary life stuff I can’t handle. When I was having hypnosis it felt like I was trapped inside a coffin and couldn’t get out. The higher I got the more I couldn’t breathe. So even before mam leaving there was a theme of death attached to my anxiety.
Your manager must be just trying to get through the day as best he can. It must be hard for blokes who were raised to be strong and not show emotion. The fact he even told you shows how comfortable he is with you. Have you told him about this site? Even if he were to read posts and not join in he’d feel less alone.
Glad you’re going up the Loch Sat. Seems like ages since you were there. Always love your magestic pics. Such a beautiful place.
Going to check on Porsch. She goes straight out on her cushion after breakfast. Will pick her up a hot chicken after therapy tomorrow if I can. I was up at 3.30 for the loo and had to start heating her a plate of food. She’d never leave me alone otherwise!
Lots of love xxx
Hi Tina,
I had to cancel my therapy and swim yesterday as I couldn’t even get dressed. Managed to get in the bath at about 8pm. So little energy all I could do was lie in bed, and that’s so not me. It think the stress of Porsch and then the bolshy neighbour is taking it’s toll. Can’t sit out of my cuppa now because he’s out there as soon as he hears me. Will report him today about parking on the grass and hope if he can’t get parked on the road (like every other buggar has to!) he might not come round so often. Will have to make the phone call away from the house when I’m at the vets this afternoon. Was just explaining to Suzanne that I now have it on both sides. No privacy at all and an audience for trying to get the fence finished (whenever that happens). Feeling very low at the mo. Seeing my therapist tomorrow which is good as he doesn’t always have spare time.
You are so right about physical exhaustion being overcome with a good nights sleep and being spurred on to do more when being rewarded with a sense of achievement. The lack of energy isn’t great for feeling positive. I’m dreading the vet visit because I find it so hard to do with my anxiety. It’s a battle of wills to see it through because I have to for Porsch.
Just remembered I have to give her her tablet. Always a fight but a relief to get it into her and add it to my chart where I time it. Will pop in when I get back later to let you know how it went.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine
Wishing you a bit of strength and good wishes for the vets. I think I am more scared of the vets than the Drs. I could never work in a vets I’d be bawling my eyes out all the time.
Its a shame all us lot don’t live closer. Each one of us could visit every day for one week and the I’m sure that would short-circuit the neighbours little brains. Failing that I could send my Brother down to you. His colleagues say he has “Angry Eyes” so it’s about time he made use of them in a good way. Joking aside Christine it is very, very true what you say about people on their own being seen as an easy target. Mum used to say that all the time as she was a widow with three kids when we moved to a council estate. Goodness me what a culture shock it was when we were previously used to nice normal neighbours on a normal residential road. I’m not saying everyone on an estate is a head-the-ball hooligan, far from it but there is definitely an element of it going on.
I can empathise how hard these thoughts are about your Mam. Sometimes I’ll be engrossed in something and for a split second will re-remember that everything is no longer the same and from then on I just give up what I’m doing because to carry on doing whatever it is seems a colossal task.
Sorry I thought it was today when you had swimming and therapy. I don’t half get my days mixed up.
I have to go now but all the best at the vets both of you, just imagine your Mam being beside you all the time, remembering how well she’d take control and you’ll not feel so alone.
Much love xx
Hi Tina,
I’m always pleased to see you here and thought I’d pop in before I get ready to leave. Been catching up on dishes, changing the litter, popping a wash on, sorting the bird seed, feeding the birds and cleaning out the old debris from feeders. I can now gauge how much better I feel from being able to do all of that and still feel able to go out, though not looking forward to it.
You’re spot on with it being a ‘culture shock’ living here. I’m always shocked at the attitudes and behaviour because I can’t understand why grown people would act that way with someone they do not even know and have no reason to be. Thought I might hire a big bruiser of a man to pose as my boyfriend! Your bro is very welcome to join! That would get them talking. All they do is gossip about me. They make my life so much more interesting than it actually is with all the interest! It must really antagonise them that I don’t come from this world they belong to.
Will ring my therapist when I get back and book to see him Thursday and I’ll also try swimming again after. Everything is just ‘going through the motions’ of doing stuff but it’s better than not doing anything. There was a lot of chat going on about me being unwell and not going out! How can they be so interested in that? Must literally have nothing in their life. It’s always a relief to be away from here but I then battle the anxiety of whatever I’m doing. So I can never just ‘be’.
Will catch up with you later. Porsch is still in the garden. Going to rain soon so glad she had some pleasure time. But she does enjoy her drive. She recognised the vets building last time and I tell her where we are on the journey. Keeps me focused that I am with her.
I remembered how my sis used to do the vets and shopping and everything with me and would take over when I panicked and had to run back to the car. Makes it even worse that she can ignore me knowing how I cannot cope. She got a lot in return for what she did for me. She was even my carer at one point. Makes it even more upsetting that she wants nothing to do with me. Most people would have given up by now.
See you later hun xxx
Lots of love xxx
Hi Tina,
Just got back from the vets. It wasn’t as busy as usual but I still ha to wait and it’s the waiting that sets off my panic. Thought I was doing ok standing outside as too claustrophic inside but clearly not as trying not to cry. A lovely woman asked if I was ok and said she has panic attacks herself and so knew straight away the state I was in. She went in and told them and I was seen very quickly after that. Unless someone experiences it they have no clue just how intense the fear is and the need to escape before something awful happens, even though rationally I know nothing is happening and there is no danger. The girl brought the medication out to me at the car and I explained why I’m like this and that I was ‘normal’ before the stalking. She said they will try to accommodate me from now on as best they can. Wonderful! So I don’t know what the lovely woman said to them, or they could see the state of me, but I hope I won’t have to wait so long next time.
Porsch was great and enjoyed her journeys, as she always seems to. Traffic was ok too so a good trip overall. She’s on the floor now making a nest in the soft towels and her little blanket from her basket. Just having a cuppa now and will relax. Will order her a different food and even if she doesn’t eat the meat chunks and just the gravy again she’s doing very well. Her weight is the same (or a bit improved on my scales), despite having lost her appetite and refusing to eat. So if I try something different it might tempt her to eat a bit more. Was chuffed the vet said I was taking really good care of her after I was chatting about all the things I’ve tried and the research I’ve done.
So I can relax now. Just waiting for my therapist to call for my appointment tomorrow and I’ll book a swim afterwards. Feel like I’m back in control again with the adrenalin still pumping. Sure I’ll be wiped out later. But I’m so pleased I was able to go today and that they are very pleased with how she’s doing. I’ve been so very worried.
The creep is home and Mr Testosterone is parked on the grass as usual. I didn’t phone up to complain about him. When the council come round to check my roof (will have to chase them as I’ve not heard anything) they’ll see for themselves. Don’t want to make trouble for myself if I can avoid it. He’s not parked in my bay again. Will be watching to see if he does it to my mate when he gets his in. That is also a designated bay.
Wish mam was here so I could tell her about Porsch. She would always tell me how well I was doing because she knew the courage it took to do anything. She was the only one who really understood and saw the progress I made with my therapy.
What have you been up to today? Hope you have a little something nice in your day. I wanted to get some chocolate on the way home but didn’t stop as I thought Porsch would be left wondering where I’d gone. Might treat myself tomorrow.
Porsch is snoozing now. She’s worn out with her trip. Going to order her something different so I can get it delivered tomorrow. Will pop back later.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine
Been wondering how things went so I’m pleased for you that all is well. Having Panic Attacks myself I can understand how it feels. You need to relax and enjoy some peace now!
Oh my goodness the Mr. Testosterone nickname made me laugh in my head so much!! If only he and Creep knew they had starring roles on here! Mind you, they’d probably revel in the knowledge they were infamous!
Did you ever try Porsche with a bit of tuna or mackerel? I know it can’t be anything in salt as it’s bad for the kidney. She just may take to the novelty of something different.
No, not done anything nice myself. By the time I’ve changed from a two-legged furball from something remotely decent enough to be seen outdoors I’ve lost the will to try!
I’ll pop back later.
Much love xx
Hi Christine:)
Sorry to read you didn’t feel up to your appointment and swimming but maybe the rest and sleep did you more good. Hope you got on ok with Porscha’s appointment x. A lot of the vets I know are like emotionally stunted and can’t empathise with people but then I wonder if they have to become that way to an extent to be able to do their job…oh who knows lol x
Yeah I told my old boss to have a wee look at this site because I did say it has helped me so so much and finding you all has been a blessing x he knows where I am if he ever wants to talk and he knows my door is always open x
So have a missed something in that you now have two asshole neighbours? Obs the Creep and I read about a guy nicking your parking space but thought that had all been sorted…has something else happened?
The agoraphobia….I could never understand how much that affects you. I take for granted just walking out the door and going where I want etc. I do get anxious etc but have never felt I couldn’t go somewhere so I can’t begin to understand what you go through on a daily basis and no wonder you feel isolated at times so maybe comes across as a bit insensitive when I talk about outings so apologies x
Yup haven’t been up the Loch for nearly 2 weeks so will be nice to see the chicks etc again as next month they will be gone until the parents arrive again in March and it all begins again x
I do hope you get swimming and to your appointment tomorrow x
I hadn’t thought about a different colour of ivy as have always avoided ivy cause I find it takes over everything lol x
Anyway up again at the crack of dawn for another day a the not-fun factory lol x
Until then take it easy and don’t be too hard on yourself and hoping you can get into your garden soon,
Nighty night x
Hello Christine
Just popped in to say hope you’ve had a pleasant evening or at least stress free because we all know pleasant isn’t always possible. You must be absolutely pooped though with everything so I hope you sleep well.
Hope you get to do something nice after therapy tomorrow. I hope I do as well to be honest. Don’t think I’d want to do anything major, or be up to it, but just have a bit of free time somewhere different. We will see, I’ll let you know!
Speak tomorrow
Much love xx
Hi Tina,
Feeling quite wiped again after yesterday but have my therapy and a swim booked for afters. Not sure if it will be warm enough for the outdoor pool but I’m determined to go just so I can get back on track again. Porsch is quite tired too. She’s so good with her trips now. Just had her first eighth ! of a tablet. Not sure how I managed to cut that down with a knife and actually get a bit of tablet and not all powder. Have ordered more food too for her and when I asked about chicken and anything else they said only if she stops eating completely so will have to persevere with the renal diet food. Can’t risk tuna juice. She only drinks the gravy so don’t know how she maintained her weight. Hope the appetite tablets work. She’s in the garden wrapped in a blanket at the mo.
Mr T. as I will call him has been very quiet and also the creep. I’m sure they’d be thrilled to be starring roles in the ongoing drama that is this street! Glad I’m out this afternoon. If I get my energy back will try a daily swim again at the local pool.
Been monitoring the weather with the rain forecast to see if I can do a quick section of patio cement but I need 12 hours for it to dry so can’t risk it. So annoying. Seem to have become stuck with garden chores. Discovered the Diana fountain, new pump and fountain have stopped working again in the big pool and the small one has lost it’s water again. I only hope there isn’t a leak. If the fox has stood on my plastic flamingos the metal spikes will have pierced the liner. I just don’t have the oomph to sort any of it out. All feels quite overwhelming at the mo but I know I’ll bounce back and sort it all out again.
Loving the image of you as a massive fur ball on legs! You can get a roller with sticky tape to roll your clothes to remove the fur. I’m covered in Porsch fur on my pj’s from her nesting in my drawer.
Really slow start this morn but I sat out with Porsch and was nice watching the birds. Discovered the cutest baby jay, bright ginger head. Very pretty. Didn’t have my camera to hand but will look out for it again. Parents weren’t around so it was venturing out on its own.
Have a good day with Zoe and catch up later
Lots of love xxx
Hi Suzanne,
I don’t know what the lovely woman said to them but they couldn’t have been nicer, offering me water and the vet carried Porscha out for me to the car. And then the medication was brought out too so I didn’t have to come in again. Think it will be easier going there from now on. The longer I have to wait the more the anxiety escalates into panic where I become trapped by fear, even though I know nothing is happening to me. It’s PTSD, totally irrational. Imagine your worst fear (spiders, zombies etc) and then apply that to everyday life where nobody else is affected or can understand what is happening to you. I go through life now in a hyper state of monitoring how safe I am and what everyone around me is doing to. It’s exhausting. That’s why I don’t go out and if I do it has to be a ‘safe’ place. I feel free swimming because I am always on the move and cannot become trapped. Can’t go shopping. Popping into the garage to top up has to be a ‘choice’ and not under pressure. The more pressure to have to do something the more incapacitated I become. I can’t let the council in to rewire my house because it will take too long and I won’t be able to cope. Mam or my sister always used to do everything with me / for me. It really is like being a child again. I used to be so independent, loved going out enjoying myself, worked hard, went on hols etc. I was preparing to go backpacking round India but didn’t get because I found the first breast cancer lump. Now India is a dream that I had that never came true. It’s so annoying because I was always very bold and being told not to do something only made me more determined. Could have never imagined my life becoming this. It wouldn’t have if I had never met my ex who stalked me until I became housebound and ended up living in my bedroom back at my parents house before mam retired. That’s why I was housed by the council as a vulnerable person. Because I have no independence. I do like living on my own though. I keep thinking if I won the lottery it still wouldn’t cure my situation.
I always love hearing what everyone is getting up to so never apologise. I love seeing all the pics and hearing the stories. I really miss going out, travelling, shopping for clothes and things for the house, finding treasures in charity shops and car booties, going on holiday etc. Normal stuff I took for granted. And because I had to leave my old life behind with everyone in it I became isolated and don’t know anyone because I can’t go out and do normal stuff. And then mam leaving makes me not able to chat to people who have tried when I’ve been swimming. I don’t want to start crying in front of them. If my sister hadn’t moved away and disowned me I might have eventually started doing all the things we used to do before mam left. But I can’t do any of it on my own. Wouldn’t be much fun anyway. I was always a sociable creature! The opposite of now.
I hope your boss does try this site, even to see that he’s not alone in his grief. It is the most isolating situation to be in. I’m sure if / when he feels ready to reach out he’ll find you.
Will make a start on the day now before I go out. Feeling exhausted again!
Looking forward to the pics Sat.
Lots of love xxx
Hello Christine,
I thought the kitten photos might cheer you up.
I coppied the photos from my flickr account.
https://www.flickr.com/photos/43657367@N04/page3
Flufy and seven kittens
Tammy, my last cat now - take at low light
Billy - take at low light
Solid food for the first time - chicken
Count the ears.
It was a shock, the other four kittens did get a new home that day.
Tammy again
Tommy
Jack
Nick
Beautiful kittens and a lovely proud Fluffy! 
Hi Nick,
They are adorable! Thank you for sharing. You made me smile! I saw kittens with their mother when I parked outside a house for therapy. The blinds were down but the upstairs windows were open so I hope they were ok and the house hadn’t been abandoned. I always worry that animals have been left behind. But they weren’t stressed and quite curious when I was smiling at them getting out the car. They looked healthy and the mother was grooming them.
Porsch had her first appetite stimulant and she has not stopped crying for attention all day! Driving me mad. But she is eating more of the paste and wet food so a great start. She’s curled up in her drawer now.
I had to cancel my swimming again as I really didn’t feel up to it. Rested all morning but getting ready to go out really took my energy away again. Glad to get back and rest.
In bed for an early night with a film. Saw my beautiful big fox in the garden and he looked at me because I’d put the light on. He didn’t run off and continued eating. Wish I could sit out there with them.
Have you got much more done this week? Your move will be fast approaching. Hope you aren’t too stressed and feeling in control of the situation. Are you looking forward to moving into your brothers place? I hope it is a new start for you. There was a programme on about keeping healthy into older age and the key is to be engaged in life, to keep active physically, but also the mind too. I really do need to get into my swimming again and get the bike sorted so I can alternate my exercise. It’s hard motivating myself when I have nobody to do it with. I know people go out alone, walking and jogging round the park. Need to really try to get a routine going.
Did you enjoy meeting up with your pal? Hope it wasn’t bad news. I was telling my therapist how isolated I feel, so disconnected with the world because of my anxiety. Can’t control it and so nothing will change. Feeling so alone in the world.
Anyway, hope you are being productive and getting everything sorted for your move. Will you redecorate when you get in and turned around? I love wallpaper, adding colour, texture and pattern to a space. You could start with your bedroom and do the wall behind the bedhead, then add in those colours using soft furnishings.
I have my roof inspection booked for next week. So hopefully they’ll seal the facia along the roofline and I’ll not have to be burning josh sticks and peppermint oil up there.
Lots of love xxx