Still on a roll, motivated (with half a brain at the mo - very slow to do anything) to create the shrine. Have ordered her ribbons (two sets for two different projects) and inks for the printer. Massive achievement as it’s taken all afternoon with the research.
Fed the birds too. Sat for a minute with Porsch next to her cushion which she had died on. I put it in her usual spot because I can’t clean it properly to have it in the house even though it’s been through the washer on a hot wash. Hung the washing out but I seem to have missed the best of the sun.
Feeling very empty and dazed. Really taken it’s toll doing the bits I’ve done.
So cute, I was staring out the window and a baby squirrel is wagging his tail at me through the gap in the trees. Looks like a wave with my eyes! In search of fresh nuts and raisons. He’s squeaking now. Garden seems to be in mourning with it’s stillness.
If anyone can confirm Nic’s address please private message me so I can send a card. Suzanne you gathered us all into your address book at some point so you might be the person in the know.
Feels like rain. xxx
Hi Christine,
I looked on the link a lovely tribute to Porscha.
I also liked the cat in angel wings memorial statue you picked, is that going to the pet cemetery or the shrine you are making in your garden.
Did your dad message you or phone? He is obviously still in the know in what happens in your life even if it’s been a year since you spoke. Has you sister up north replied or phone back yet.
I’m glad you are settled with your decision, and seeing your therapist tomorrow will be good for your wellbeing. I hope he is better after having covid.
I walked into town today, went to Home Bargains, haven’t been for months, as usual didn’t have what I needed so walked to Asda. Decided I would walk back home instead of the bus which was a mistake. I had a funny turn on the way home, half way up the hill had to sit on a bench for a while. Felt so dizzy and my head was pounding, thought I was going to have to call one of my children to pick me up. Of course I forgot to put water in my handbag so didn’t have a drink. Luckily it passed long enough for me to get home, I think I had a bit of heat exhaustion. Ironic I ended up putting a Amazon order in for the things I couldn’t get in town.
I’ve started my pre operation preparation ready for Saturday, strange I feel more nervous about it this time. I know I will be on the same ward that Doug was in when he broke his leg. But it does not bother me, it’s comforting in a way.
I found this lovely poem on Facebook, called a Letter from Heaven by Heaven Soul, unfortunately I can’t share it on here and it’s not on YouTube, wow it brought a few tears.
I’m sitting here waiting for my pc to do a windows update and it’s taking forever, I’ll think I will go and make a cup of tea.
I’ll pop back in tomorrow
Love Debbie xx
Hi Debbie,
Well done for walking into town instead of getting the bus. Just think of the steps you’ve done today. Not surprised you went dizzy in the heat. But I’m glad you made it back home. It’s so easy to order everything online but, like me, it doesn’t get you out the house. I’ve learned to adapt my life so that when I do go out it’s for fun things like swimming and the park / woods. Must try to get back to some kind of routine in the Autumn after I allow myself time for Porsch.
I can imagine it will be of comfort being on the same ward as Doug. It will be like he is there with you. It will all be worth it when you are back home with a new knee and can’t wait to test it out with everything you will be doing in your retirement. And you get a bit more time off work with them shifting the date. I have my eyes crossed for you that it goes to plan this time.
It was a shock getting a message from my dad. I never usually hear the home phone so didn’t pick up. He says he doesn’t know why I’m not speaking to him, as if what happened meant nothing. So he didn’t even acknowledge what he said to me. He’s made it very clear he doesn’t like me so I can’t imagine why he wants to speak to and see me. Mam put up with his behaviour. I won’t. But I am very aware of his age and health and that time is running out. Feels like I’m being held hostage emotionally. And if I was to bring up what happened he would accuse me of looking for a fight. So I would have to pretend it never happened in order to keep the peace. I hate being treated like this, as if I am the one who will not make up because I am ‘holding a grudge’ as my sister would call it. She wouldn’t have put up with that behaviour towards her, but then my dad treats us all very differently. She didn’t phone me back.
Just read ‘a letter from heaven’. Beautiful. Puts things into perspective and I can take comfort in that if it’s true. I can imagine mam watching over me now, close by when I really need her. Just wish she would reach out to me. Here it is (had to download from Google or Pinterest (can’t remember now), open file and then copy / paste. Everyone will need to enlarge your zoom in order to read it - what a faff! but got there in the end)
When I watched it on Facebook I saw a clip of a wild cat abandoning her baby. A man saved it and hoped that his own mother cat would accept and care for it because it was still alive. My Mercedes was the runt of the two. I loved him all the more for it. He had a big tumor in his chest and I didn’t know until he was having breathing difficulties. That’s why died when he was still young. Life is so cruel.
Exhausted after today with doing all my bits for Porsch. Seemed to take forever. Hope my therapist is ok. He hasn’t rang to cancel. Will be good for me to get out of the house. I always get a more balanced perspective after seeing him.
Lots of love xxx
Hello Christine
I said I’d drop by later and see how things are so I’ve made it back!
I took a look on the Pet Tribute, how touching. What you chose for Porsha’s photos are lovely. Difficult to do I can imagine but rewarding at the same time.
I’m knackered. Absolutely shattered, like we all are to some degree I think. I did the Broadband. I pay for it and I could have got a big cashback deal of over £100 but he said was it really worth the stress of changing companies. In normal circumstances I would have pressed ahead as there’s nothing more satisfying than getting the best deal but I just thought with everything that’s happened, and could still happen, there’s more important issues to get stressed about than cheap broadband. I can’t complain about the service we have previously had so it’s all good in the end.
It’s only a little shortie message tonight
with being so absolutely shattered but I’ll pop back tomorrow.
Much love to you and everyone on the forum tonight xx
Hi Tina,
If you had no complaints with your service then there’s no harm done. You never know until you have a new one whether it’s any good or not. So I wouldn’t fret over it. Not surprising that you are so exhausted. Stress is the biggest effect physically and mentally. You’ll be super charged with adrenalin when you have to deal with the appointment and will then be wiped out again. You’ll get through it.
I am really pleased with the tributes for Porsch. Took it out of me but it’s something I’ve achieved for her. Waiting for her little angel ornament. Ordered her ribbons and inks. Been planning her shrine, playing around with ideas. I feel so slow. But I’ll get there. Still have to select her pics but I will do the ones I’ve already chosen. Will make my own necklace for her. I feel better knowing I will be carrying her with me wherever I am.
Therapy tomorrow. Just feel really empty and flat. I’m sure I’ll be really upset when I’m there. How could I not be? I seem to be out of tears now. The house feels so different without her and her things. There are empty spaces where she used to be. And I have free time now that my routine is gone. I was always busy and now I just sleep or sit thinking about her. Missing her.
See you tomorrow.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine - it looks lovely. & I have just looked at the tribute on the link - perfect.
I struggle with my garden nowadays, we actually bought the house 2 years before my husband died & the garden was his happy place, he loved it. Now it is just another chore for me to keep up with & the place where I miss him the most. But we have to go on somehow, so I keep cutting the grass & weeding it. I have a hedgehog which visits most evenings, picture enclosed, when we first moved in he/she was a tiny little thing but has grown over the years. Walks up & down our drive, not sure where it goes/lives.
Hope you have a good day. xx
Hi Alison,
Thank you for posting your hedgehog pic. I used to feed a family of them years ago. I had set up an old rabbit hutch for them to live in in the garden under a big tree with a ramp for the babies to easily get up and down. It was funny watching them come out for a wee on a morning and go back to bed. I moved the hutch further up the garden where it was more sheltered under the trees, cleaned it all out with new straw but I haven’t seen them again. Something has been living there because of the pile of straw littered outside. I’ll redo it again for winter and hope they come back. Such lovely little creatures. Have you heard them eating? They’re so noisy. I would sit out on an evening and watch them feasting on the cat food I put out. My sisters children loved staying over when they were little and we would stay up waiting for them to arrive. Porscha was always surprised and intrigued by the creatures in the garden. She never tried to hurt them.
I’m not surprised your garden has become a chore to upkeep. I’m avoiding going out there because it reminds me that Porsch is not here. I have wondered if I will just let it go now and stop tending to it. I was so driven to create a garden because I gardened with mam at the old house but my grief for Porsch has created an emptiness there that is so painful.
My therapist just phoned to cancel today as he is still testing positive for covid. So I have cancelled my blood test. Just can’t face going out. I wondered about a swim beforehand but I’m really not up to it.
I feel lost in my empty house. I have no routine without Porsch. I feel redundant now that I am not caring for her. I still have her medicine timetable and monitored weight loss on the chalk board in the kitchen. I can’t bring myself to wash her blankets she used in the garden. I still have the footstool and ladder of cushions next to my bed which she used to scramble up when she came to wake me before she was very ill. The space where her litter tray used to be is enormous in my mind. I’m so lost without her.
Her ribbons are being delivered today so I will start planning how to hang her pics in the shrine and select them for printing when I get the inks. The days seem to roll into each other now. The small things I do feel like such a huge task. Today was a test for getting out the house. I’m sure I’ll see my therapist at the end of the week when he’s better.
Working on a shrine for her makes me feel a bit better because I’m doing it for her. So I’ll keep working on that to keep me going. Keeping going, filling up the day with chores, filling in time with tv, is all we can do now. Your grass does look very neat! I still have my lawn to reseed after digging it up with the old bird seed. I have a wheelbarrow full of old compost to scatter over the seeds from when I started emptying pots and collecting bulbs to dry. Just have no motivation to do it. But I’m sure I’ll make a start some day.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine
Sorry your plans didn’t turn out as expected but better to be safe than sorry with the Covid.
I definitely agree about the change in the “feel” of your home now and you miss the “schedules” because they were the little markers of time that brought some grounding to your day too. But I’ve read about all the things you have been doing for Porsch and imagine it’s quite therapeutic in a sense.
You’ll find some of the love for your garden again, maybe not now or for a fair while but it will return in the end. Even if it may take a different form. I don’t have the same love for plants anymore, I still like plants but now see more attraction artistic things that I can create. Not that I’m an artist of course! It’s more Play School than Picasso but you know what I mean. I’d gone of gardening when I lost my Husband in honesty.
I’ve nowed the lawn today at least!! It’s more like a wild field underfoot though as the soil is clay and bumpy and has set in little mounds in some places over the years and it’s all up and downhill. So at least I got work-out today!!
Well I hope you got your supplies and craft bits with you so you’ll be able to get focussed on putting it all together.
I’ll pop in later.
Much love xx
Hi Christine
I hope your therapist recovers soon and you can see him this week.
Just had a busy day in the garden, pruning back my rambling roses and cutting back the clematis as well as generally tidying and weeding the flower beds. Doing it now while I still can, got the lawn cut and hope to give it one more trim on Friday while I still can and have to rely on my son to cut it for a few weeks. I’m a very independent lady that doesn’t offen ask for help, but needs must.
It’s beautiful warm sunny day, very windy. I’m sitting in the garden with a cup of tea reading a book. I’ve just started to reread all the Harry Potter books again, don’t know how many times I have read them. I do love reading, just finished a book by Rev Richard Coles, A Death in the Parish his second novel, he also wrote The Madness of Grief which I read shortly after Doug died. I’ve pre ordered the next Comoran Strike book by Robert Galbraith, The Running Grave , due out September, (aka JK Rowling). As you can tell I love to read, Doug used to say the house has enough books to open a library.
I finally packed my bag ready for hospital, I didn’t do it last time, getting nearer now.
The shame is I now probably won’t be able to see my granddaughter dancing on the stage at Shaftesbury Theatre, I won’t be mobile enough for a trip to London. I’m hoping the show is recorded so I can watch it at home.
She is getting a bit nervous her GCSE Results are out on Thursday, I have every confidence she has done well.
I hope your managing to get some peaceful time in your garden, I know it feels too much to think about at the moment, but you will feel the enthusiasm again and making Porscha’s shrine will give you focus.
I’m just off to make another drink, put the bins out and start The Prisoner of Azkaban.
Lots of love and hugs
Debbie xx
Hi @Nick22 ,How are you feeling now, I read you struggling with sorting your brother’s things out and trying to bring in your own. Did you manage to find a new home for the cars and all those speakers you have between you. Moving house is no fun.
I do hope you are not over doing it and find some time for yourself. Are you still going for your lunches and getting a walk in the park to meet all your doggie friends.
Hi @NEILB72 , how are you, you been a bit quiet since your mum’s birthday. Have you managed to get to the theatre, or anything booked? I saw you quite enjoyed Barbie, definitely for adults. I went to see Strays with my son in law and grandson last Saturday, it was very funny and alot of adult only humour.
I thought I might go and see Haunted House it’s a Disney film so shouldn’t be too scary, tomorrow, on my own while I’m still mobile.
Hi to everyone else hope you are all doing as well as you can be.
Love Debbie xx
Hi Debbie
Been dipping in and out and reading Christine’s posts over the last few days. Seemingly been quiet on here but I am keeping up with everyone just not anything to post at the moment.
Going to a Vintage Roadshow(as seen on TV) at a nearby church tomorrow. They are interested in decorative jewellery, old coins and medals so am taking some along. Stuff that doesnt have sentimental value to me. Not expecting anything and anything I do get for them is a bonus!
Shame you cant get to the Shaftesbury to see your granddaughter- fingers crossed for her GCSE results🤞
Sending love and best wishes to everyone
Neil x
Hi Tina,
I’m glad you got out and did the lawn. I can imagine how hard that was in this heat. I sat outside for a short time working on the collage / mood board I had started sitting at the window. The creep was out so I challenged myself. Had just brought a pot of tea out with some nuts to nibble on (no appetite) and the music started blasting. He was back. So I’m in the bedroom with all the windows shut so I can’t hear him. He must be thick if he doesn’t understand that everyone knows what he did to me and that this is just a form of aggravation. Haven’t even got the energy to get angry about it.
It was very strange sitting in the space I shared with Porsch for 18 years. So many jobs I could be doing but don’t even care now. The collage was an easy thing to make a start on so I’m not just sitting. Haven’t got my ribbons yet. Have given up on the collage. I love the idea of your creativity being ‘playschool’. There’s honesty in translating thought into art without formal training. Many great artists weren’t trained and I admire them more because of it. Read a few newsletters about other textile artists I know who are part of The Knitting and Stitching Show in Harrogate. I don’t even wish I was taking part. That’s how little motivation I have. I did keep some pieces out of the loft prepared with basic seaming to do. Hopefully once I get started I’ll just keep going and lose myself in work.
I received an email from my MP about the buggar parking on the grass. He’s been told not to by the awful housing officer who didn’t believe me about the creep (said the hole had always been there despite me being witness to him drilling it out and tried to get me to drop my complaint against him). He has agreed to never park on the grass again. That remains to be seen! He knows I will report him again if I catch him. There’s no sense of victory in this. I should not have had to involve my MP in a council matter. But at least everyone involved knows now that I will not back down and be made a mug of.
Have had to pop Judge Judy on just to drown out the creep’s music. So tired now I might have to have a nap.
Hope you receive a new hospital date soon. Is bro back at work until he hears? Keeping busy could help take his mind off the stress in the short term.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Debbie,
Well done for getting your garden chores sorted before hospital. Accepting help doesn’t mean losing any of that independence. Delegating is a skill and makes you even stronger for it. I do hope someone records your granddaughter for you. Everyone knows how proud you are of her, and she would want you to see her performance. I remember the wait for exam results in the summer hols. I still recall the turmoil of waiting to go into the exam room in the gym. Such a long time ago. Age really does creep up when you are least expecting it.
I was just telling Tina bout me sitting in the garden to use the table for my mood board collage. I had just made a pot of tea, brought it out, and there is the creep blasting his music. It’s so deliberate. He never used to do this before I got the fence done. He can’t watch me now so he tries to annoy me. I’m in the bedroom now. Missing Porsch is exhausting.
My ribbons have just arrived. I got a wide rainbow braid to hang her pics in the shrine. Might need to use another bamboo (drilling/hooks in ceiling) depending where she is placed. I also got a pack of 16 rainbow colours to tie into the trees for her at the Remembrance Garden (if I’m allowed), and in the garden where we sat together. Took ages choosing it all. Get so exhausted whatever I do. Got some gold leaf as well to decorate the edges of her pics, add to the shrine generally, and cover the vase in the bedroom to match the one in the shrine which mam bought for me as a pressie.
You are so much like my mam with her love of books. She would read until she fell asleep. The last pressie I got her was a volume of historical books because she loved history (Kings and Queens, medieval, Vikings, etc). Dad said she read the lot before she left us. I love visual books on interior design, art, artists etc. Mam used to give me her Home and Gardens magazines when she’d finished with them knowing I would use them in my ‘visual library’ for inspiration. She saved all her garden catalogues too. Great detail for my abstract flower designs and seasonals. I miss her so much. The unique bond we had before she became ill. We were on the same wave length, knowing how each other ticked. A look said it all!
Your poem from yesterday gave me hope that she is close by and watching over me. I feel less alone. It’s all become too much again. I have my grief for Porsch which is very separate to mam but also overlaps. I’ve told my therapist I am terrified that he will be next and then I will really be on my own in this world. He says he isn’t planning on leaving just yet! He’s very healthy and keeps fit, in better shape than most people half his age. The two I love most in this world have left me. I feel so alone.
Will you be taking your book with you to hospital? You’ll be so bored in there if you don’t have something to look forward to. I think I was asleep most of the time I was in there. Loved being on morphine but it was very painful pressing the button because it was in my ankle. I can see why people turn to drink/drugs to ease the pain of life. My friend has stopped his drinking and is on medication so he sleeps at night instead of going to the shop. He’s very vulnerable. I’ll be giving him all the cat litter Porsch didn’t use.
I’m going to have a look at ‘The Madness of Grief’. Really does capture what we are all going through.
Hope you can keep popping in after your op. I’ll be doing pics as I develop my ideas.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine - manic day today & going out tonight. Yes my hedgehog is a noisy eater, once caught him eating prawn crackers, what a racket. & who knew hedgehogs liked prawn crackers!! Will reply properly tomorrow morning when have more time. Love from Alison xxx
Hi Neil,
Lovely to see you. Your trip tomorrow should be interesting. You never know what people will take along. And if you don’t get a payout you’ve not lost anything. It will be like a posh car bootie! Mam always bought the new coins as they came out but I’m sure I gave mine to the children. Didn’t know then how precious they would become to me.
Now I have my ribbons I can start planning the shrine for Porsch. Got rainbow braid as tags for the photos. Will look very jazzy. Represents the Rainbow Bridge. I’m so pleased I was told about it. There are so many beautiful creations within that theme. I know it’s all sentimental and some would say ‘tacky’ but it is a comfort to know she is there waiting for me, playing until I arrive. I miss her so much. It will be a week tomorrow evening. Seems like forever. She feels very far away from me now.
Enjoy your day tomorrow. Going to be 26 here. Take a hat if you have one. I sound just like my mam!
Lots of love xxx
Hi Alison,
Made me laugh with the hedgehog eating prawn crackers! And also making me feel hungry which is strange as I have had no appetite.
Enjoy your evening, whatever you are doing.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Beki,
I got your lovely perfumed card today. Thank you so much. I used to spray perfume on cards for boyfriends when I was young. Brought back some funny memories, when life was sweet.
Got my ribbons today so can start planning the shrine. Will be a very colourful addition with the bright rainbow colours. When I was researching Rainbow Bridge gifts I thought of you and your glass work. Check out the beautiful ornament:
There are lots of glass products infused with the ashes. I’m still happy that Porsch was cremated and a token of the ash will be in the Remembrance Garden. I’m hoping I can hang my rainbow ribbons in a tree for her and create a shrine beneath. I’m waiting for my angel ornament to arrive. If I love it I will have one for the garden here and for the Remembrance Garden. I can just imagine her getting cosy for a nap.
Still looking forward to pics of your open air swimming. Will you keep going after summer? Very brave! I loved the swim hats.
Absolutely exhausted now so will get some soup and settle down for tv.
Lots of love xxx
@christine51 just checking in and have caught up with all the posts and just saw your therapist had to cancel your session but hopefully you’ll be able to see him at the end of the week.
That message from your dad must have been a curve ball and as Debbie said he obviously is still keeping on top of what is going on in your life whether you like it or not…do what you feel you can handle ie contact him and see what he wants or don’t but don’t regret anything x what ever you decide will be the right decision for you x
Car passed it’s MOT on Friday so was well chuffed as hate them so much lol x
My niece is just back off holiday to Budapest and the photos she’s been sending me and posting on Facebook the place looks so lovely x I am so proud of her just getting out there and travelling and I can’t wait to hear her stories. She’s even booked to go to Amsterdam in Oct for her birthday x I say good on her 
x
I had a look at the tribute you did to Porsch and I loved the photos you used…she was such a beautiful looking lady 
x
I’m going to bed now as knackered so will pop in soon 
x
@NEILB72 glad to hear from you and hope this week is finding you well. This thing tomorrow sounds interesting and hope something you take has a decent value x Look forward to hearing how you get on. How is your friend doing these days? The one you helped to hospital x
I can barely keep my eyes open so will chat soon.
Take care and much love x
Love and blessings to you all 
xx
Hi Suzanne,
Lovely to see you. Yes, finding a message from my dad was quite shocking but I haven’t called back. He doesn’t understand why I haven’t spoken to him in all this time and so he thinks nothing has happened! That was all I needed on top of Porscha. She really is so beautiful in her pics. Got my ribbons today so can start planning the photo hangings. Just waiting on my inks. Really is taking it’s toll now. Doing a lot of sleeping. But I’ll get there eventually.
Your niece sounds like quite the adventurer. I still wish I had travel around India, taking time out to chill out in a retreat, lounge around on a houseboat, party in Goa… Obviously not meant to be. Do you not want to join her on her travels? It’s quite a risk now with the weather and global warming. I hope she enjoys her freedom and makes beautiful memories for her old age (or middle age in my case!)
Hope to see my therapist by end of week. Did suggest sitting in his garden but he’s too ill.
Will update with pics of Porscha’s shrine as I do it.
Lots of love hun xxx
Hi Christine
I’m so sorry to hear you were made to come back indoors when creep was out. That’s such a shame. I don’t know how you remain calm in those circumstances. Just try to remember he’s a total insignificant and after what you have gone through. You’d think he’d get fed up with his antics.
No he hasn’t got his new appt just yet. The discharge letter he got from the failed procedure he went for was in the wrong person’s name so he is stressing about admin slip ups and getting lost in the system for a new appt. He’s still doing 10hour shifts although feels terrible most days.
All that you are doing for Porsch is so thoughtful, I hope you can hang some of the ribbons at the garden. It sounds like a lovely serene haven where the air hasn’t been tarnished by you know who.
I’m glad you’ve now got your supplies for the shrine as well.