Hi Tina,
Glad you got some sleep. It’s hard sleeping right through because I was always up during the night for her. But then I sleep during the day and feel more exhausted than if I hadn’t slept. I woke early, around 6.30 like we used to do and went out and fed the birds. Porsch loved being out at that time because we would sit and watch the birds feeding. I would do my puzzle book and have a cuppa. She was so content. And then I would start my day with dishes, litter tray, washing, tidying away the floor cushions. I can’t seem to do anything now but will have to do dishes because I don’t have a clean cup or glass. Been sleeping in my dress from the daytime. Can’t seem to get my head right, to do anything. I’ve just remembered, I filled in her 2 graves when I was out there, when it was too early to be watched. Or so I thought because I heard the creep’s door opening and someone banging in the street (at 6.30 am!) so I came in and went back to bed. I had dug up a large heart shaped stone and placed it on Porscha’s cushion outside.
Don’t know if I can go to therapy on Tues and I have blood tests booked afterwards. Really don’t know if I can leave the house. I have no energy f body or mind. I collected all the food and litter to give to the pet rescue. It’s in a pile in the sitting room. I can take it to the local pet shop as they work with them. But it all feels too much to even think about.
If you need to sleep Tina just do it to recover your energy. The housework and everything can wait until you feel ready to tackle it.
Look out for a little package today. Just something to keep with you to know you aren’t on your own when you are at the hospital again.
Nobody will be calling round to see me. Nobody has phoned since Porsch died. I phoned my niece and texted my sis up north. She might ring today but probably not. My friend said that I need to get out into the world again and make some friends or my whole life will be spent waiting to die in this house. He doesn’t understand how complicated agoraphobia is. I wish I could join clubs and have a normal life but I can’t. He thinks I should chop down the trees in my garden to let more light in too. That won’t be happening. He’s the one friend in life that I have near me and he’s always telling me what I should do, not believing the reasons why I can’t. I don’t understand why all of that matters when Porsch has just died. The same thing happened after mam with my family.
Just having a cuppa and will get dressed and try to make a start on dishes. I’ve opened the curtains and windows to let some fresh air in as the creep has gone out.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Alison,
I wish I had been given all the info. I think deep down I would have still made the same decision as she was so very poorly. It’s so painful being without her. I did find some lovely little cat statues on Amazon yesterday, small ones with angel wings and inscriptions. I will try to choose one today and that will be the centre piece of my shrine to her. Still need to order inks to print her photo. I filled in her graves this morning and found a large heart shaped stone. It’s on her cushion outside. I can write her name on it. Even writing this makes me cry. She is my world.
I think if the vet had been a little more compassionate, even though she agreed it was the best option because Porsch was so very thin, cold and had a faint heartbeat, I might feel less tormented in making my decision.
Thank you for your kindness. Really does keep me going.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Suzanne,
You haven’t upset me. It’s comforting to hear you say it. I know I have always done the best for her and I knew she would tell me when the right time was (when she was sick). Feeding her the paste food was my last attempt and when that failed I knew it was time. I just wish I could know for certain that she understood why I was doing it and that she forgives me.
I will look again at the little statues for her shrine for the garden if I can manage it because I got so upset yesterday doing it. And if I get inks I can get her pictures created for her shrine, both in the house and garden. I’ll do the same for the Remembrance Garden when I go. I do think having her there is the best thing because I can visit her and have privacy to set up her shrine, talk to her, sit with her like we did in the garden. I couldn’t have done that at home with the neighbours watching.
Finding it so hard to get going again. My whole world has collapsed with her. I didn’t think I could be destroyed again after mam. Porsch was so much more to me than just my cat. She was and will always be my love.
Lots of love xxx
Hello,
Here is the little statue for Porsch:
Weighs more than she did at the end. If it’s small enough she will be placed in the shrine with mam and I’ll hang up her pics with ribbons I used in the garden. I’ll look for another statue for the garden.
Feel better for having cleaned the fishtank, dishes, changed the bed, two loads of washing. Still have the floors and bathroom to do. I opened the windows too, let some air and light in until I heard the neighbours and had to close the blinds. The creep has been blasting music in the garden so I have Judge Judy on to drown him out. I so hate being here. I know I’ve done the right thing having Porscha at the Remembrance Garden. I will have privacy to be with her there.
Need to sort out the printer inks so hope to get this done today too. I’ve gone from doing nothing to doing household chores so must be on the mend.
She feels very far away from me now. Her cushions aren’t there on the floor now. It just prolongs the sadness and longing to have her home again. I’ve washed her bowl too.
Thank you to everyone who is here for me. I don’t know how I would have got through this without your love and encouragement.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Tina,
Check your letterbox x
Hello Christine
Thankyou so very much for the thoughtful and kind gesture. It’s such a lovely little thing. You shouldn’t have when you are dealing with so much pain but thanks so much again, it a lovely thought and appreciated. I’ll be sure to take it with me when I go to the hospital. We’d taken Zoe for a walk and it was there behind the door so I was utterly surprised and intrigued when I saw an Amazon envelope behind the door.
It will be hitting you really hard as you shared the same space with her for such a very long time and I know the house will feel empty and so “massive” without her but in time it will “shrink back to size”. You’ll not stop missing her but there will be other things going on that will take your attention, both good and bad unfortunately. It won’t happen for a while just by the tiniest amounts each day. The statue piece is so fitting and beautiful by the way and I agree about you being able to visit her in peace at the Remembrance Garden. It will be like your special place away from prying eyes and she will be amongst friends she never met.
I hope by now someone has phoned or dropped by. Your friend is probably speaking from a place of compassion and thought but they are things that would make him feel better and not you, and I think people fail to understand that when giving advice. In his way he’ll be looking out for you.
I know you won’t want to go out on Tuesday. I’d be exactly the same. You’ll probably only know on the day how you are feeling. You may feel quite a bit stronger by then but if not you needn’t force yourself.
I hope Judge Judy did the trick earlier on.
Thanks again for the lovely little surprise. I’ll drop in later as I need to go and make tea.
Hope your evening is as ok as it can be.
Much love xx
Hi Tina,
I’m pleased it’s nice. You can keep it in your pocket and know that I am thinking of you at the hospital. The little token hug from Beki makes me know that I am never alone. Makes such a difference knowing you are all there. Nobody has phoned, texted or called round. I’m not surprised. Whatever happens to me just doesn’t count. It’s as if they are so far removed from any feeling towards me that there is no empathy, connection, love, whatever you want to call it. Still can’t believe how awful my life is without mam. And now that Porsch is gone I’m going through it all again.
Being busy today is the first time since she went I think. Everything is a blur, as if it’s in the past. It was only Wednesday evening. I feel better for being busy today. I find a tidy house has positive vibes and helps to keep me in the real world.
I do love the little ornament for her. It will be small and will be just the thing for the shrine rather than outside. I have a tiny little crystal tree which represents her sitting in the garden. I have her hair clippings in the tiny brass incense burner set on a lotus flower. I’ll take pics when I do it properly. I have photo paper so just need to order the inks tonight and I can get on creating it.
Oh Tina I miss her so very much. She really is my whole world. I know she was old but I didn’t see her illness until it was too late and then managing her care was very stressful. I always blame myself since mam, that it is because I am me that I am inadequate somehow. I have always been told that I am ‘too much’ and ‘not like your sisters’. I wouldn’t want to be them. Porscha loved me knowing who I am. She never wandered far from the garden. She was happy and knew I am very obsessional when I want to get something done. She would come and remind me if time was up and she wanted her tea.
My friend doesn’t believe anything I tell him and I don’t know why he would just dismiss whatever I say. It’s infuriating being dismissed like that. He has issues so I don’t make a big thing of it. I don’t do that to him. It always brings me back to the creep and not being believed because I don’t have evidence to prove what I am saying.
I find being busy today has opened up my world a little. I’m not lying in bed sobbing endlessly until I fall asleep. Feels like I’m betraying her, ‘moving on’.
I will try to go on Tues if my therapist is well and over the covid.
I keep wondering where Porsch is because I don’t hear her cry or see her following me to the kitchen. I have her things packed now ready to be taken to the pet shop for the animal rescue centre. I kept ordering her things so I didn’t run out. There’s so much food there. I hope they can use it.
I love that Porsch will be with friends she has never met in her new garden. I’m still wondering about getting myself the Rainbow Bridge necklace so she is with me always. I’m not usually sentimental but I think it would be comforting to imagine wearing it will keep her close to me.
I’m so tired of being sad and wishing my life was anything other than what it is. I wish Porsch could have lived as long as I will, whatever that is. I didn’t think I could feel more alone than I did when mam left but this is beyond what I could have imagined. Porsch couldn’t have known how loved and vital she is to me. I was so distracted in my grief for mam and she still loved me the same. Didn’t like the crying but she tolerated me. The smallest gestures are now everything to me, from simply looking into my eyes with love to demanding attention with little nibbles and patting my face hard to get me going in the morning. It helps to talk about her. I wish I had someone here to share the grief. It’s immense on its own. It’s all consuming.
Downton Abbey is going to start in 10 mins so I’ll go now and try to get the bathroom cleaned before it starts. I’ve seen it loads but mam loved it and had the dvd.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine.
Letting you know I’m still here.
Loved all the pictures of Porsche. Such a beautiful happy girl. Like her mum. Who made her so happy.
Me and the girls send you so much love
Nic xxx
Hi Nic
So lovely to see you. I’ve had a better day today. Did lots of household things and the fish tank. It has helped to keep busy. Once I start I can’t stop and so the house is tidy now but so empty without Porsch. It’s amazing how tiny she was to fill up the house like she did. Seems like she’s far away now. Sure it will hit me like a train when I get into bed, and then again in the morning. Looking for a Rainbow Bridge necklace so she will always be with me. I don’t wear necklaces so this will be special, keeping her close to me. I know it’s just a trinket but the meaning behind it is precious, just like Porsch. She really is so beautiful and so loving. Cannot ever imagine being whole again.
I had a surprise phone call message from my dad saying he had heard about Porsch and knows how much she means to me and that he would like us to get back in touch. He was really nasty to me for no reason after mam so I haven’t spoken to him for well over a year. He doesn’t like who I am as a person and hates that I am so devastated about mam, ‘hiding inside of my grief’ for her as he put it (she had just died). Can’t understand it because I went over there after mam, to the garden centre, helped with jobs and doing the garden, finding new broadband for him. We had the ‘common ground’ he refers to. I wasn’t allowed to cry, talk about mam, show any kind of emotion. And so I did all of that. It was like treading on egg shells, having to keep it all in when mam’s smiling happy photos were all around me. So I don’t know why he wants to see me. I cannot be who he wants me to be. It’s all about him and how he feels. Maybe’s he gets no visitors. I was the one who went over there, did everything. And this is how I have been treated.
Soz Nic! I’ve just found the message from him and was totally unexpected. So now that is alongside my heartache for Porsch.
I hope you and the girls are well. I know you don’t often pop in but I’m always so pleased to see you. My friendships here mean everything to me. I honestly don’t know how I would have coped without you all. I know it’s online but it’s still very real.
Give the girls a kiss from me xxx
Hi Christine
Popping back to say a quick hello or goodnight, whichever is most appropriate I guess. I can see from a message you wrote to Nic that your Dad has been in touch unexpectedly. I couldn’t believe it when you mentioned it had been over a year since you last spoke. Where did all that time go! I’d be very pleased if he will be there to offer support and guidance but concerned as well if it gets in the way of you grieving for Porsch as it may bring up conflicting emotions for you both.
It would be great if it was to be the start of better relations for you both.
Good on you for having a bit of strength to do the straightening because although I’m not tidy by nature I do agree how good it feels for your space to be in order and how much better it can be for your emotional well-being. I need to be doing the same instead of letting the days go by and not really noticing them because I’ve been so utterly disorganised and always reacting rather than pro-acting. Well done because it’s a a sign you have found a little extra strength.
I think the Rainbow Bridge idea is beautiful. I remember the first time I read that poem and I couldn’t help but not keep sobbing over it. It was so moving.
Well, I’ll see if I can get some sleep but once again thanks so much for the little gift.
Have a peaceful night.
Much love xx
Hi Tina,
I hope the little token gives you courage and strength to do what you need to in the stressful times ahead of you. I thought you could maybe’s string the tree of life and the knot on a thin chain. Reminds me of the rainbow and paw print on the Rainbow Bridge necklace. I think being part of a close knit friendship group like we have gives us all a close bond many people wouldn’t find in the real world. Did bro wonder who I was? Does he know about our group? I’m keeping us private. I do tend to speak freely and sometimes forget it’s a social forum.
I was very shocked that my dad got in touch. There’s so much attached to that, bringing up a lot of stuff about mam and me not being allowed to grieve for her. Can’t believe that he thinks he has the right to tell me how to feel about my own mam. Mam and Porsch are everything to me. I always say goodnight to mam when I come to bed and now I’m including Porscha. Can’t believe that the two most precious souls in my life are not here. I do like the idea of Porsch waiting for me at the bridge, playing until I turn up to cross it with her. Such a beautiful image. I can just imagine her little face seeing me again. And she would be young again and healthy. I wish it was all true. She feels very far away from me now. I think I have some sense of closure now, to know I did the best for her and stopped her pain. I feel so exhausted I don’t think I can take any more heartache. It feels like I’m having ‘time out’ to gather my energy again. My head feels ‘empty’. Sure it will hit me when I wake up. But for now it’s a quiet reflection on what a beautiful life we shared. I never see age until I’m looking back on it and then it’s too late to act or do the things I would have liked to do at that time. I never seem to be in the present unless I’m pushing myself to achieve something. I would throw it all away for a chance to be with mam and my little Porscha.
I might have my tribute approved for the cremation site tomorrow. I’ll post it when I do. In absolute bits doing it. It’s sad that so many animals are unloved. I think Beki is wonderful to have fostered so many cats over the years with her mam. Don’t know if it’s something I could do myself. Could be very upsetting.
I do feel better for having worked all day doing jobs. I always felt so stressed and under pressure to get through the day and look after Porsch as well. I wish I had been as I am now, calm / subdued by my grief. Will order my inks tomorrow and sort out which pics to print and get my ribbons ready. It’s strange that focusing on that is helping me feel more in control. It’s because I’m doing it in her honour.
Not sleeping again at night. But I am tired now (2.15 am) so will try to nod off. Night hun
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine - very sad that the vet showed no compassion at such a horrible time for anyone with their beloved pet. This lack of compassion will have made your torment worse. Your shrine will be a lovely tribute to a much loved Porsch. Your photos of her are lovely. Hope you have a better day. Take care. xx
Hi Christine
You sound like me awake at that time in the morning! He heard a suspicious van going up and down the street so went out to check his own van which woke me up and then I couldn’t get to sleep so was messing about on my phone at 2.20am which was a bit ridiculous as I had to get up at 6.20 in the morning.
That’s a good idea to attach the little charms to something, they are so pretty. He knows I belong to a forum but hopefully doesn’t remember the name of it as like you say, it’s easy to forget sometimes that it’s an open forum when you get chatting away.
I need to change over broadband today but it’s a job I hate doing and it really annoys me that the companies draw you in on a contract for 2years. One or two don’t but they are the lesser known ones. Maybe it’s best with the Devil I know as the saying goes.
I hope you feel up to getting your therapy and going to get your bloods done tomorrow. Things seem to either not happen at all or all at once. I think I must have been born with a bloke’s brain because like a bloke I can only concentrate on one job at a time, I’m not a good multi-tasker.
I hope you managed to sleep in the end. It’s such an easy thing to do to get out of synch with sleeping but when there’s been a lot going on in life your mind is often pacing away at the most inconvenient times isn’t it.
I’ll wish you well for the rest of the afternoon and pop back later.
Much love xx
Hi Alison,
I’m looking forward to getting her little angel statue to start my shrine for her inside the house and will look for another to do in the garden. I’ll use the same ribbons to hang her pictures that we had in the garden where we sat together. Have to order inks and will start choosing pics to do. My friend will lend me his laminating machine so I will preserve her forever. I’ve already been lighting candles and burning incense and oils. I also have to prepare a shrine for her in the Remembrance Garden. I hope I can hang ribbons in the trees for her. I also have a Book of Remembrance to do. Will print a pic of the garden and add her photo. So lots to do. I seem to be ‘cried out’ at the mo. Couldn’t stop before. Sure I’ll start again. I’ll post pics when I do things.
Hope you are doing ok getting through the days. It’s like living in a new world dominated by emotion and sadness. Until we are here we could never have imagined it. I’m glad you are here with us. I honestly don’t know how I would have coped if I hadn’t found you all.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Tina,
I’ve had quite a bit of sleep in two halves. I start off in bed and then go to the sofa where I slept next to Porsch if I wasn’t on the floor cushions. I was just saying to Alison I seem to be ‘all cried out’. The tears are there but won’t fall. I seem to be waiting and in a quiet place now, the aftermath of the initial storm.
I hope to keep busy today buying inks and selecting her pics for the shrine. I have ribbon left over from doing the garden and will use those to hang a selection of her pics in her own part of mams shrine. It’s all I can do now for her. I hope I can tie ribbons to a tree in the Remembrance Garden and set up a shrine there too. I wish she could see how loved she is, in death as in life. I hope she is waiting and playing at Rainbow Bridge. I’ll tie ribbons there too before we leave.
You have a task on your hands searching for broadband. Have a look at the comparison sites for best deals at the mo. Always worth looking at a contract if it’s a good deal to fix the price. I’ve been with Plusnet forever as they have always provided the best price and good service. Based in Yorkshire so you know the calls aren’t in another country. I just tried Googling for best deals but you have to put your postcode in to get started and doesn’t offer a list from what I saw. Lots of comparison sites - Martin Lewis, U Switch, Go Compare, Money Supermarket. It’s always such a faff. You could ask your current provider what they will offer for you to stay with them and see what the best deals are for new customers. I’ve found being a customer already excludes you from new offers so if your contract is up you can be a new customer again with them.
You do make me smile with the ‘multi tasking’ and having a ‘blokes brain’. I’ve always found I’m more productive under stress with lots to do or organise. I will go to my therapy and blood test afterwards. I’ve been living in a fog since Porsch so can’t find the blood form for the ferritin check. They said thy would post it out but I don’t remember seeing it. I always have a fight with the GP reception about posting me what I need because it isn’t standard practice to post anything. I always have to explain that I can’t collect from them because of my agoraphobia. I don’t fit into their standard boxes of procedure. It’s been ongoing for years. So I will have to look again for that and get another posted out if I don’t have it. So two separate trips for bloods. Very annoying but I don’t have the energy to complain about it.
Did I mention yesterday about the creep blasting his music all day. He sits drinking in the garden. It’s since I put the fence up. Because he can’t watch me now he is making sure I have no choice in having to put up with his noise. But so does everyone else. Something very wrong with him. I still have to finish doing the army camouflage netting along the trellis beside the house but can’t even imagine trying at the mo. Being back in the garden feels like an immense task because it is where my Porsch loved to be. I’m glad her last days were sunny.
Feel really exhausted again and I’ve only got out of bed to make a cuppa and put the fish tank on. I find it soothing changing the water but not all the clearing up afterwards. I have different light colours with the new bulb so can change the mood of the room.
Good luck with the broadband. I had my car insurance to do a few weeks ago and used a compare site to get a much better deal than my renewal. I was changing dad’s broadband the last time I saw him.
Getting his message has ‘interrupted’ my grief for Porsch as it’s so confusing and upsetting. I still don’t know why he was so nasty to me. He says he doesn’t know why I won’t get in touch and that it’s ridiculous because it’s been over a year. So he doesn’t even see what he did. But he was sorry about Porscha and hoped she didn’t suffer. It’s just words.
Will pop back later to see how you get on.
Lots of love xxx
Hi all,
Been browsing Rainbow Bridge necklaces and have resisted getting the one I really love because the site has bad reviews and takes ages if you receive it at all. Some beautiful glass rainbow ornaments too. I have ordered a suncatcher and have decided to make my own necklace with ribbons (hope I have every colour of the rainbow to plait), adding beads and a laminated pic of her. If I can’t find ribbon in the colour I need I will create it from fabric. I’ll wear it every day so she is with me always. Will keep you posted with pics. xxx
Hi Nic,
I’ve just opened my diary since Porsch and realised it’s your birthday tomorrow. I’m sure I read that you have moved but might be wrong. I’m all over the place at the mo. Can you private message me if you have so I can send your card. Sorry it will be late now. I only just realised.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine - the angel statue for your shrine sounds lovely. Keeping busy sounds like it is helping you enormously, you are sounding so much more positive than last week. I just bumble along through life nowadays living in this new normal/reality, which none of us on this site either like or want. Not much more we can do really. You seem to have found some lovely supportive people to help you - which is really heart warming & part of the reason I enjoyed reading your thread on here. It restores your faith in human beings really, because not everyone in life is kind - as I have sadly learned over the last 2 years. This site has the kindest people I have ever encountered. Take care & keep busy. Love, Alison xxx
Hi Alison.
I totally agree. Had I receieved the support and kindness from my own family I may have never found these beautiful souls. Living in this world is confusing and so tiring, being at the mercy of the never ending emotional rollercoaster. Grief is a deceptive creature. Just when I think I’m getting a handle on things I’m dragged back down into the emotional pit of despair. When I’m bobbing along it’s a relief, filling in time until the evening. I can’t imagine getting back into the garden with the vigour I had because Porsch is missing. Even though I’m looking out on my sunny garden with the birds feeding (I’ve been topping up their feeders in the dark) I just don’t want to go out in the sunshine. I don’t care about the jobs that need doing. But I am feeling better for being busy yesterday. Donlt know how long it will last. Tomorrow is therapy and a blood test so it will be the first time I venture out since the vet last Wed. evening.
I’ve started thinking about and gathering some bits for her shrine. Here’s my ideas so far:
My homemade stained glass window created from old xmas chocolate wrappers sellotaped onto an old frame serves as a temporary rainbow. A lotus flower light casts a rainbow of colours to enhance the scene. Porscha’s fur (clippings at the vet) sits inside a tiny brass vessel (re the body as a vessel) set at the centre of a lotus joss stick burner, beneath a crystal tree (re the honeysuckle tree we sat under in the garden), sitting on a foundation of gold lilly pads (re a backdrop of the garden pond where we watched baby birds bathing and having fun). Ribbons from the garden encircle all with a heart. I added 3 of her cat crunchies so she remembers mammy loves her.
Will create a ribbon necklace for the Rainbow Bridge and add her laminated photo so she will always be with me. I was never sentimental in my old life and would have never entertained any of this stuff. But it is so precious to me now. Brings comfort knowing that these things represent my love for her and if she could know she would be thrilled that I cannot get through the day without her by my side.
Doing this is exhausting so I’ll have to rest for a bit. Will order more ribbon so I can create a plaited necklace to wear and will hang them from the ceiling as an addition to mams shrine. I’ll add her pictures to them. Think she’ll need her own bamboo rail.
I can see the baby birds are back so I’ll top up their feeders now. They’re so ravenous. Porsch loved watching them. She had such a gentle soul and never tried to catch them. She was so happy in her life. I wish she could have lived forever with me, leaving this world together. But I do hope she is waiting for me and forever playing in the sunshine at Rainbow Bridge.
Keep bobbing along. It’s all we can do now.
Lots of love xxx
Hello all,
Just found out my tributes (x2) for Porsch have been published on the cremation site. Here’s a link:
Online Tributes And Memorials To Help You Remember Your Pet (cpccares.com)
Doesn’t she look pretty!
Scroll down and click on the pics for full tribute and share if you want to.
xxx