Hi Alison,
Hope you have another winning day. Will you treat yourself and your mam to something special? Maybe’s a spa day or weekend away? Creating special moments will be something you can cherish. The internet is predicting a hot September so you could make the most of it. My parents always intended doing the special railway holiday around Scotland where you take in the sites but also stay at hotels along the way. Dad was planning on doing it for mam’s 80th but she didn’t make it that far. They loved going up North, staying with my sister but also visiting and staying around the places they went to when they were young. Mam didn’t get to see The Tattoo either. To have a bucket list and get it done while you are young makes me a full and happy life, without regret. There are so many things I missed out on doing because of my agoraphobia. I tried but in the end accepted defeat.
I will mend The Kiss when I do the patio grouting. Have to plan it according to the weather and the creep being out. But I have the new neighbours on the other side now who are incredibly nosy. Don’t understand it either. I have no interest in anything around me. I have the lawn to seed too. I have all the things I need to get the jobs done but have neither the energy or the enthusiasm at the mo.
I created a folder of beautiful pics of Porsch yesterday so I am ready to do her prints today.
Might try sitting out when I’m ready. Getting out there is the biggest battle, knowing I will be watched and have to behave as if I don’t know what is going on. This is the reason why not having Porsch buried at home was such a traumatic decision. I wouldn’t have any privacy sitting with her. The Remembrance Garden is beautiful. I hope I can hang ribbons in the trees for her above her shrine when I create it.
Enjoy your day
Lots of love xxx
Hi Tina,
I think last night was the first time I slept straight through and I woke earlier than I have been (mid morn). So I hope to get some more pics printed of Porsch. I already had my printer for my work but have heard of the monthly contract ones. Didn’t know they can’t be used without the contract though. Will have to order more postcard size paper to hang pics in the shrine as well as having A4 size to go on the fireplace. Looking back through her pics I can see how she lost weight around the time of mam and I wasn’t aware of it. I feel so guilty that I should have seen what was happening and taken her to the vet much sooner. But then she fought every step of the way with her medication and the food. I know I couldn’t have done more than I did in looking after her but it wasn’t enough.
Made me smile thinking of your bro needing a responsible adult with him. Bet he hates needing you but will be secretly glad he isn’t on his own. Have you thought any more about contacting his GP to get the appointment sorted? I only got the car situation sorted because the MP was involved. Otherwise nothing would have been done. It was ongoing for about 2 months. I just despair of dealing with the council. Between them and the police it is no wonder people behave / misbehave in the way they do because they know the chances of anything being done to stop them is slim to none. I don’t give a fig (trying not to swear!) about being unpopular. The neighbours now know I won’t put up with being ignored / taken advantage of. If they cannot behave themselves and it effects me I will do something about it.
I was just saying to Alison I’ll try sitting in the garden today and maybe’s do Porscha’s ribbons. f the creep doesn’t come back.
Stay strong for yourself and your bro. He needs you now, even if he doesn’t want to admit it because he’s frightened.
Lots of love xxx
Oh Tina, that will be so pretty when it’s done. Love the colours and the old fashioned setting. Can’t imagine anyone not wanting to do that. She could hang it in her studio and make a feature wall of colour, pattern and light for the customers while they get their tats done. I always used to look for unusual gifts if there wasn’t something specific wanted for xmas. Mam would have loved this like she loved her jigsaw puzzles. It was part of xmas having an old puzzle on the go on the dining table, covered with a cloth for meal times. I’d be so addicted to getting just a bit more done I never wanted to leave. Might get myself a new puzzle for mam this xmas and do my real xmas tree in the garden for her again.
Thinking of you today xxx
Hi Neil,
It’s forecast thunder and lightening with heavy rain all weekend, marking the end of summer, but then Sept is to be a scorcher. I love a big storm, especially when it fits my mood. Any holiday means the creep is creeping and all the neighbours will be out so I will be trapped inside. Is there anything good on tv, or films you could catch up on? I might try to start some sewing as it fills in time.
Will be working on prints of Porsch today and hope to hang her ribbons in the garden if I can get out there. Getting up in the afternoon is my new normal now that I’m not sleeping well.
Miss you when you don’t pop in.
Lots of love xxx
Hi all,
Had a very busy Porscha filled day. I’m waiting for my batteries to recharge so I can post my pics. Created a photo gallery of A4 prints for her, carefully selecting the best images to show her love, character and lounging in the garden. I’ve ordered my laminating sheets and postcard sized paper. Been in touch with the memorial site:
Hello,
Porscha came to you on 18 Aug for a communal cremation. Will the token ash have been added to the garden yet? Also, I would like to set up a small shrine for her under a tree and add ribbons to the branches above to celebrate her arriving at Rainbow Bridge. Is this possible at the Cambridge Memorial site?
and have made a start on info for her Remembrance Book. Posted her poem as well as a third online tribute. Will post a link when it’s approved.
She looks so pretty in her pics. I think the kitchen wall is a natural gallery space to display her. It’s where she ate, pestered me for treats, toileted, fiddled about coming in and out of the garden. We would sit at the door together if it was raining until the splashing got too much and then we would retreat to the sitting room window where she would lounge on a fat cushion and watch the birds. I’ll have pics up in every room so she is always with me. I think that will be comforting. It already is seeing her beautiful face.
I got a locket for myself and have placed a little bit of her fur in it so she will always be near me. I was never sentimental before but keepsakes are so precious to me now.
Debbie, I got your beautiful pressie for Porsch today. I was very confused until I saw your message on the card. Would have made me cry if I had any tears left! Think I’m all cried out at the mo. I’ve hung it with my suncatcher so that she is with me when I’m working in the bedroom, like today, and while I’m sleeping. It’s beautiful. Thank you so very much xxx Hope you are all prepared now for your hospital tomorrow. I’m sure you are. Don’t forget your book. And we will all be thinking of you, wishing you well and hoping you post just as soon as you are out of theatre!
Will pop back soon with my pics.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine,
I’m glad it has come and you like it. It is a lovely poem you wrote about Porscha.
I’m all packed and ready for tomorrow. Got to be in hospital for 7am, so I’m on the morning list, set my alarm for 5.30 so I can shower and wash my hair before I go.
I have got a book to read, a puzzle book and a note book as I like to keep a diary but I don’t want to take my actual diary in case it gets lost.
Not sure how long I will be in, alot depends on how mobile I can get, what anesthetic I have and plus because I live on my own there is no one with me 24/7 the first night.
Had a busy day, got all my housework done, now clean and tidy. Just my bin to empty later.
Not allowed anything to eat or drink after ten tonight. Only allowed water up to five in the morning, so I won’t bother.
I will let you all know how I get on as soon as I can.
Going to have a quiet evening, already had loads of good luck messages and my sister phoned me earlier.
Speak to you all soon
Love Debbie xx
Hi Christine
Had a good day, got a few winners. We left early today as mum was getting tired. I sometimes forget she is 81, but for her age she is amazing nobody ever believes her age - but think she feels it some days. Have not won enough to take her away though, sadly. I agree making special moments is important. We like going to Nidd Hall, Warners Leisure hotel, Knaresborough - lovely 3 days of pampering & lovely food, but it is a bit pricy at the moment. Hoping the prices drop a bit, then might be able to surprise her. I live off hubby’s pension & a small one of mine, so money is a bit tight at times. But we do have a weekend booked for January, when the prices are much lower.
We do have a holiday booked for October in Spain. Mum’s treat to me. Somewhere we went many times with hubby & dad. So we have something lovely to look forward to. I try & spend part of every day with my lovely mum. She has kept me alive since I lost my husband. I lost him 15 months after my dad & I thought that was the worst thing that I could ever live through, what did I know!! Anyway enough maudlin thoughts.
Not got a bucket list - just live for the day really.
Such a shame for you that you have missed out on so much. But also understandable after what you have survived through life. You are actually much stronger than you give yourself credit for though.
Shame about the new nosy neighbours, especially with the creep at the other side. How unlucky for you. I am like you, not at all interested in what my neighbours are doing in their gardens, that is their life & of no interest to me. I am quite lucky that most of my neighbours are ok. But our last house they made our life a misery, the reason we moved. I am so glad we moved, because if I was there on my own my life would have been total hell now I am on my own. Which is why I totally understand what you are going through.
The remembrance garden is the perfect place for you to have your shrine for Porsch. Hopefully you will get there soon & get it all set up.
Hoping you have a good evening. Lazy one for me, feet up watching tv with leftover Indian takeaway.
Love from Alison xx
Hi Debbie,
You must be a bundle of excitement, nervous for the op, wondering if it will even go ahead, and wanting to get back home before you even get there. That is an early start. Hope they don’t keep you hanging on and you get down quick and back again. You could get some little double sided sticky tape for adding your hospital diary into your home diary when you get back. Could nobody stay with you the first night? Just to get you home? And I would have a drink before 5 am as you’ll be so parched. But good to see you’re all organised. You’ll be back before you know it!
I nodded off while I was waiting for my camera batteries to recharge. So tired. But here are my pics of getting organised today. Your beautiful gift hangs with the suncatcher I bought Porsch:
I’ve stuffed the little locket with her hair. This was the first photo I did to test the inks and I’m now keeping it as a bookmark for my diary.
I photographed the blackboard where I recorded her times for medication and her weight loss. Her ribbons are ready to hang out but the creep was home so I still need to do that in the garden.
Here’s my photo gallery of Porsch so far.
Here’s some detail:
Like I was saying I think the kitchen wall is a good space to do a large gallery. Here’s the ceiling hatch where the creep climbed down into my house!
And in the sitting room the wooden doors of the bookcase would make an ideal extension of mams shrine:
I will have 3 of my favourite Porscha pics next to me in the bedroom:
Planning the space and how to hang the galleries is now sorted. I have ordered bamboo, double sided sticky tape to combine rainbow braids anchored onto the bamboo rails with photo’s attached like so:
These 2 pics show Porsch as a baby (about 1 year) when we first moved in. Looks like she’s smiling. And her last summer aged 18. She has hardly changed! And just as pretty as she ever was.
I’m ready now for my laminating sheets and will have the galleries sorted by next week. So when you return home you’ll see what I’ve done. I know some people might think it’s extreme but she lived here in this house with me for 17 years. I can feel and hear her. Having her all around me will be comforting.
Good luck Debbie. We’re all wishing you well with so much love xxx
Thank you Christine, the photos are lovely. I shall look forward to seeing the finished result.
Your home is very beautiful, you can tell you have an artistic flare.
Speak soon
Love Debbie xx
Hi Alison,
Glad you had another great day. I’m not surprised you are both knackered! Bet your mam sleeps tonight. Mam never looked her age either. It runs in the family. Nobody believes I’m 53 and because I look ‘girly’ in their opinion the neighbours are surprised that I don’t act accordingly. I take great delight in not being more ‘dignified’ when I’m up a ladder with a drill and electric screwdriver in hand! I honestly don’t understand the behaviour of grown people all around me. I just don’t get it. I just want to be left alone to get on with my own life. You’ll see from the pics I’ve just posted to Debbie the ceiling hatch where the creep was getting in. I’m so pleased you aren’t going through this. I imagine all the things I could have done when it was happening. I love horror films. The traps I could have laid if I wasn’t so frightened.
What a lovely thing to do having pampering days away with your mam. Mam would have loved that. I hope the global warming situation calms down for your trip away in October. I used to love going to the Canary Islands on hols when I was young . Can’t quite believe the devastation with all the fires raging. You’ll be away on hols sooner than you think. Not far away now we are coming to the end of summer. It’s been such a long year.
I love that your mam was there for you after your dad and then hubby. Losing mam is honestly the worst thing that could ever happen to me. She is the most precious gift in my life. I still can’t fathom why my family turned on me and then stopped speaking to me (dad and sister). Imagine iif your mam had done that to you. My dad honestly doesn’t understand why I haven’t spoken to him in over a year (when he left me a message). The cruelty is something I will never some to terms with. Mam would be broken hearted if she knew what had gone on. You are so lucky to have your beautiful mam with you. I love that you see her every day. If you imagine every day to be your last you will be able to say everything you want and need to. You will have no regrets. This time is so precious. I wish I had known mam was ill. She didn.t even know.
My niece just texted asking about the Remembrance Garden so I’ll plan that with her soon. I’m pleased she wants to go.
Enjoy your take away! I have veg soup again with a health cereal and nuts for afters. No appetite but at least I’m being healthy. I keep forgetting to do a shop. Would love some cheese!
Night hun. Lots of love xxx
Oh thank you Debbie. I redecorated during covid with an Asian theme and have been adding to it ever since with artificial plants and flower detail. Many of my finds are from car booties years ago, like the bookcase doors next to the shrine. I love interior design and have carefully honed the look to achieve the overall effect. The workmen are often mesmerised when they come in to do repairs. The wooden flooring is cushioned vinal. Very effective. And because I love diy I have done it all myself. Who needs a man!
Hope to see you very soon!
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil
Grease, that should be brilliant. Have a lovely time over the Bank Holiday weekend. There’s always something going on with the train services and it’s never good but you could always treat yourself to a couple of extra experiences to make up for it another time with a bit of luck.
Love and best wishes
Hi Christine
Hope you are well. Started to reply last night around midnight but had to abandon it as was utterly done for with tiredness.
Was awoke at the crack of dawn this morning by the guy next door with his TV/radio banging. It sounded like being in an Episode of Shameless and The Bill all in one.
We went to the Hospital to get the op done. It was a private hospital so all very serene. He wasn’t allowed to drive home but he did so anyway despite me telling him he shouldn’t but what can you do. He hadn’t been sedated, just local anaesthetic and his argument was that people who drive Automatic’s don’t use their left leg so that was ok! Yesterday he got a phonecall to say the Endoscopy has been arranged for next Friday. That’s the big one and the and the one that will determine if there is any cancer present. My Sister said she’ll drive him for that as it’s heavy sedation. The day before that is another scan so it’s been nothing but hospitals all round lately.
Love all the photos you’ve done Christine, you’ve put such a lot of love and thought into them. I love the hanging things with her name on, they are so pretty. I read you saying how could you not have noticed she was more poorly and thinner earlier on but in those photos you’d been posting she looked the picture of health with her clear eyes and full glossy coat. She was so privileged to have you.
I hope today is kind to you. It will be so comforting to sit in reflection at the Remembrance Garden. You made the right choice there. Somewhere where you can be at peace and in serenity and privacy.
I don’t know what today will bring for here, will have to wait and see. Feeling very anxious and vulnerable this morning, I hope it passes.
It’s not sunny here but rather one of those overcast warm and humid days.
Wishing you well and speak shortly.
Much love xx
Morning to everyone.
Hope everyone has a lovely and serene Saturday whatever you all doing today.
xx
Morning Alison
Not sure our paths have crossed before yesterday. I started to use the Forum in 2016 when I lost my Husband. Then in 2021 when I lost Mum. It was meant to be that my Husband would help support me when I lost Mum but nature had other ideas with that one sadly.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience huge loss in your life too. I feel I’ve really bonded with everyone here and feel incredibly privileged.
Nice to meet you Alison xx
Hi Christine,
I was knackered never mind mum, was in bed for 9.30pm. But had a good nights sleep & didn’t wake up until 6am, which is very unusual for me. Normally up every day between 4.30 & 5am. Still got today at the races, so hoping for a nice few wins today. Then we are going to my local pub for tapas this evening with a friend.
After the stress of the last few years I am sure I look my age or older, not that I care. Nobody to impress.
Wish I was handy with an electric screwdriver and drill, cannot do ladders - vertigo. Can manage the loft ladder but that’s as far as I go. Still got his tools, cannot bring myself to get rid of them. Maybe one day. I wanted to cut up a dead tree trunk the other week, found an electric jigsaw but could not find the charger. Garage & shed are chaotic, another job, will get sorted one day.
You have been really busy, the photos are lovely. Hope you manage to get into the garden to hang the ribbons in peace without the creep bothering you. Maybe sometime this weekend you can get sorted. Fingers crossed for you.
Cannot believe that your neighbour came into your house through your loft - that is the stuff on nightmares. Just awful.
Hoping it is not too hot for us in Spain, I will be in the sea as much as possible. The sea is my happy place. Hopefully no wildfires for us, they must be terrifying to experience.
Another time I will tell you about my sister, nasty piece of work. There is no accounting for how families will behave or treat each other. I agree with you that your Mam would be heartbroken, my dad would be if he was here to see how my sister has behaved.
Need to get myself into gear this morning to get to pick up my new glasses from the opticians. Might help me pick some decent priced winners. 
Hope you have a happy & productive day.
Love from Alison xxx
Hi Tina,
I thought you must be feeling exhausted with all the stress of the hospitals and dealing with your bro (not at all surprised he drove home and wouldn’t do what he is supposed to). Pleased your sis is driving for the next appointment. That will be a relief to get the appointment after all that carry on trying to sort it. You’ll be gearing yourself up for the next round of visits and then waiting for news after that. All you can do is what you are doing now. Be there to support him (I’m sure that is difficult given how difficult he is), do what you can to keep home ticking along but don’t over do it. You need to rest, eat well and sleep when you can. Easier said than done. I actually got a full nights sleep for the first time in months last night and awake early so got up and am dressed. I think doing all the stuff for Porsch helps process the grief.
You did make me smile remembering The Bill and Shameless. I used to fancy Lip, the brother with the dark hair. I tried watching the American version but they just don’t get our humour and gave up on it. I thought getting an early start I’d be able to get out and do Porscha’s ribbons but as soon as I opened the bathroom window I heard the neighbour in the garden so won’t be going out there. I got an email confirming that they have been told not to park on the grass and been given written confirmation. I had already been told by the MP so it was a surprise to receive that. Just hope it puts an end to it.
I’ll be laminating the photos I’ve already done and can start planning the space for the gallery wall. I ordered bamboo to use as hanging rails and will use the braid to hang the pictures (hope the doube sided sticky tape works). She does look healthy in the pics I chose but looking through them I can see how thin she became around mam’s time. I kept changing her food as she was being sick and had the runs, so that was treated and she seemed to recover. I think she probably had thyroid issues from then on. I was so wrapped up in my grief for mam, striving every day to create the garden, that I didn’t see. I know from what I have read that thyroid in older cats is mistaken for ‘old age’. I feel I should have taken better care to see what was happening. It’s too late now.
It’s so strange adjusting to the extra time I have now in not doing all the chores that was standard before. Litter tray and piles of dishes. Half a bowl of soup and cereal with nuts for afters is what I’ve been eating, with hot drinks in between. Can’t remember the last time I shopped. Won’t need to get her food online or keep on top of her litter and training pads. It was a constant worry to not run out of things. I have bags of her thyroid food which I still haven’t given to the animal rescue. Can’t face going out to drop it off at the pet shop just down the road.
Getting up early felt like Autumn was on its way with a slight chill in the air. I hope we have a huge thunder storm. I’ll sit and watch it from the window. Creep has been very quiet lately. No banging music. It was like living next to a stroppy teenager. He has certainly not grown up. Did you see the kitchen pic with the open ceiling hatch? Imagine a massive bloke climbing down through there. Must have been standing on the counter top because it is loose. I also had the ladders there when I was decorating at the time. I still imagine the things I could have done to him as he climbs through the wall or down the hatch, setting traps like in ‘Saw’. It’s because there has been no closure.
I hope your anxiety eases as the day goes on. I find being tired, lacking sleep or rest, makes anxiety worse and I’m quicker for it to become panic. If there is something you can do to just rest and take your mind elsewhere, it will help. I love watching the camping clips and do so every night. It’s comforting returning to that childhood experience, of feeling secure within the family, the interest I have in all the kit and how things work. And the bloke is always so happy. If you can find that it will become a natural calming tool to ease the symptoms of stress.
Take care my lovely friend,
Lots of love xxx
HI Alison,
Can’t believe you get up at 4.30 by choice! Saying that I was getting up from 6.30 with Porsch and sitting in the garden until I heard the neighbours and then would go in to make a start on the day. Was just saying to Tina about all the free time I have now. There was so much cleaning up and being busy looking after her. Trying to get things done inbetween was so stressful. If she couldn’t see me she’d be searching for me crying. I’d be on the loo and she’d be in the hallway wanting me. She just needed to know I was always with her.
I was up early today after a good sleep for a change and thought I’d get my ribbons done but the neighbours are out in force doing lawns and generally being busy so my plan has fallen through. I honestly hate living amongst these people. Before the stalking and then the creep I was never aware of being watched. Living here is like being in a goldfish bowl 24/7. I don’t understand that level of nosiness, in watching someone you don’t know doing stuff that has no impact on you. Just bizarre behaviour.
That’s a shame that you couldn’t find the charger to do the tree. I was forever tidying the outbuilding with my dads diy tools, all the garden equipment, organising the pots and plants etc. Being organised with everything having a ‘home’ makes life stress free for me. I miss my shed. It was too dark for potting up and I didn’t replace it with a greenhouse because of all the trees and so planted the area to create another ‘room’. All the bumph from the shed is now in plastic storage units in the garden with plant pots on top. Not the same as somewhere to go and sit when it’s raining. And my shed was home to many a fox because I had set up a little cot bed which they loved. I’m always very envious when I see Monty getting busy in his potting shed.
Enjoy your day and evening. Fingers crossed for a big win but it doesn’t matter either way because you’ve had such a fabulous time. Memories to be cherished.
Lots of love xxx
Hello Christine
It’s just a quick bob on as Debbie wanted you to know she has had her op and back on the ward enjoying a lovely brew. She’s feeling quite tired so just asked if one of us could let you know that all is well and she’ll catch up with you very soon.
Much love xx
Hi Christine
I’m just tidying right now so will pop back later to catch up.
Oh my goodness, it’s a torrential downpour, where did that just come from!
speak shortly
Much love xx