Right - lawn cut, total sense of achievement. Knackered & needed a shower afterwards. Sitting now for a while to re-charge my batteries. Thankfully should not need doing for another 2 weeks. Soon be winter & I can stop stressing about it.
Photo of my summer house at the bottom of the garden. At least I don’t have to cut that bit of lawn anymore.
Hubby had it put up when he was diagnosed, as I have a real phobia about vomiting. So it was meant to be a place for me to escape to after the chemo sessions. Ended up becoming the place from hell, long story.
Hope everyone has a lovely Sunday.
xx
Hi Alison,
Totes envious of your beautiful summer house! But I get the association of place to experience. My garden has become a no go zone now that I have creep on one side (lurking behind the fence in silence - can see his shoes under fence) and the cough from the other as soon as I open a window (like just now after getting up late). So can’t go out there at all now, even to sit because I am so aware of being watched and bitched about whatever I am doing. Really well done for tackling the lawn. I have a hand held mower that is easy to use. Just push it. Like the old fashioned ones with the roller attached. I always have plans for the week ahead but know I won’t get anything done at all now. I was free with the hoarder when he was there as he never went in the garden. The new neighbour is there all the time it seems.
I remember how horrendous my chemo was. I had it at home because of my panic attacks and refused to be treated in hospital. I was so ill I had to crawl on the floor because I couldn’t walk. My biggest fear was losing my hair (down to my bum) and even though I wore the silly hat to numb my head so the chemo didn’t reach the hair follicles I went totally bald, lost all body hair, including eye brows and eye lashes. It’s so strange when it happened because I became free of doing all the maintenance we do as women. I had a fabulous blond wig and people would comment on what beautiful hair I had! I would go through it all again if I could have mam back for just a minute. Really missing her again. It’s like she’s just left all over again. I honestly wish I hadn’t had the treatment and died before mam so I didn’t have to live through the horror of her not being here. The tears are back and I can’t stop. Can’t open the curtains and it’s 2.30 in the afternoon. Even if I sit at the back window to watch the birds I will be watched. I can’t bear being here anymore.
Hi Christine,
So sorry you are having a bad day. I had one yesterday, trying to be a bit more productive today. Not sure I am managing it, but trying.
Such a shame for you to have to endure the creep. Totally spoils the enjoyment you should have with your home & garden. The fact your garden is a no go zone will not be helping your mood at all.
I am lucky that most of the people round here are ok. Just one neighbour with a yappy dog - that is irritating, as they never tell it to shut up. And there are parts of my garden that nobody can see into at all, it is quite private. Good job really as quite often start crying when out doing stuff in it.
The summer house was a lovely thing when we first got it & spent a lot of time in it, but a lot of time in it in total agony & virtually crushed with fear. Just has some awful memories attached to it. Maybe one day I will learn to enjoy it again.
Push mower would be exhausting with this lawn of mine. I am lucky that my next door neighbour kindly does my front when they do theirs, so I do not have to do the front. The grass was Rich’s job, mine was weeding & pruning. He could fly over it when he was healthy.
Chemo is so brutal. He didn’t lose his hair, which was incredible. But it destroyed him. He needed a blood transfusion after every session. In the end they stopped it & that was it.
I hope that your day improves & you have a lovely evening.
xxx
Hi Alison,
You really are very lucky having good neighbours. I would settle for ‘normal’ and be thrilled! This street is full of high need social housing, hence all the drama and odd behaviour. I’ve never experienced anything like it and because I don’t fit in it seems that I am the oddball, being ‘normal’ in amongst the array of oddballs housed here. To have a private bit of space to sit in would transform my day but I am watched wherever I am. I honestly don’t understand what they get out of it when I’m not doing anything extraordinary.
I’ve been blasting some old school garage from about 3. Creep came back just as I was opening my windows. I just couldn’t take any more of his shit music and it was too hot to not have the windows open. So it was better listening to what I like rather than endure the creep and his rubbish. I did hear a comment about ‘don’t mess with her’! Clearly the music I like is too ‘aggressive’ for their taste (I know it’s not mainstream but wasn’t hardcore hip hop with all the language and explicit content). Got through some washing, emails, tidied up, got winter blankets in the loft for now. Feeling a lot better. Was tempted to start dancing in the house but would have fainted in the heat! I really miss going out.
Have you thought of taking your summer house on as a revamp project? Maybe’s a pretty new colour with some soft furnishings. I redecorated the entire house during lockdown. The isolation was killing me but with a big project to get through it rejuvenated my energy and interest. Just wish mam had been able to see what I’d done. I had wanted to finish it before she came over but it was too late.
My adventures in the garden have included many crying episodes. I just can’t hold it in. Cried again for mam today. Porscha leaving has refreshed my grief. It never went away but the stress and worry of caring for Porsch seemed to take over. And now she is gone too all I have is sorrow.
I’m hoping to swim on Tues after my therapy. I couldn’t face it last week. Wanting to do something is very different from actually seeing it through. I know things will pick up again. The lows are hard to endure.
Going to see what is on tv. Hope you have a good evening.
Lots of love xxx
I can see you have been feeling a bit delicate and vulnerable today, I’m sorry to have read about that. It really does come like a bolt from the blue sometimes. Totally random things that other days wouldn’t have an effect but you’ve got to the end in one piece which is always good.
Just reading about your music escapades with your neighbour. I hope it did the trick, can’t be good for your well-being all that confrontation and hostility.
Took Zoe out for a walk today through the woods. He said we’ll go out with her for 30mins. Turns out it was an hour and a half through a woods we hadn’t been through before. My nerves were red-hot by the end as was like a canine Krypton Factor because there were dogs running amok off lead so we were forever dodging a potential dog-fight catastrophe. I had my step counter watch on and although I’d hit 1000 steps I’d only managed 3 measly minutes of high intensity and they were just by going up some steps! I won’t go again as I’m a nervous wreck watching Zoe comes to no harm.and he doesn’t like me keeping watch over her so it will benefit all if I don’t go.
It’s been so very hot today hasn’t it, can’t believe it’s September. Hope you catch some of the last of this nice weather, once it goes we will probably have to wait til next year.
Well I hope you get some decent sleep tonight. I was up early and then after that 6k walk I sat down and before I knew it Id fallen asleep on a dining chair! It’s terribly disorienting though catching up on sleep during the day. I always feel worse and like there’s been two days in one (as though the one we get isn’t hard enough!).
Hi Christine,
I am lucky with my neighbours, very lucky. Got a couple of oddballs in the street, one old lad who is always wanting to chat to me about how I am getting on without Rich. But the problem is when I talk about Rich I usually start crying & do not want to stand in the street crying, so I try & avoid him. To be fair he is probably trying to be kind, but just don’t want to talk about him. I am a really private/shy person, Rich was the chatty/outgoing one.
I don’t understand what people get out of watching & commenting on other people. How long have you lived there? Guessing that you would not want to move, considering all the work you have done to your home & garden. The music sounds like a great idea & by the sound of it inspired you to get through some jobs. I didn’t go out all day yesterday, furthest I went was the bottom of my drive. No go in me at all, but at least I got the lawn cut.
The summer house is all decorated inside with a 3 seater sofa, leather chair, wooden trunk (coffee table), 2 seater dining table & chairs, TV, carpet - really does not need anything doing to it. Just cannot get over the sadness within it, when he bought it he honestly thought he would beat the cancer, even at the end he did. Almost feels like PTSD going into it. It is used, I used to run an Ebay shop with his sister & she wanted to pack it in when their mum died so all the stock ended up in my loft/garage. So now I am slowly selling the stuff on f/b & gumtree, so when I put something up for sale it goes into the summer house. Brings in a bit of money towards trips/outings. So it is still useful. Need to get some jobs done in the house - new bathroom & kitchen, so those are the projects for next year when I get the money together.
Hope you get to have your swim on Tuesday. Would be good for you if this weather is going to continue.
I agree with you that the lows are hard to endure.
I fell asleep last night watching tv, nothing new there, but then went to bed shattered & could not get to sleep.
Hope you had a good evening & hope you have a great day, hope you get into your garden.
Lots of love, xx
I can relate to you being the reserved one and your Husband the gregarious one. My Husband sang in the hotels and care homes on the coast and would chat to all and sundry. He would always say someone has to start a chat off, but me being me and proper quiet the neighbours probably thought I had an attitude problem!
Associations to things/places/etc are difficult aren’t they. I’ve not yet returned to “our” home by the sea after 6 years and to be honest it’s a terrifying concept even considering it. It bothers me the house being empty but at the same time just don’t feel strong enough to walk back in to how it was. It’s never wise to leave things as the fear just grows.
It’s beyond hot here and the first day kids are back at school so it feels a bit strange being so hot when children returning to school is an Autumn thing and the weather is usually traditionally cooler.
Will you be going out today or is it Therapy on a Tuesday. I recall you talking about therapy days on a Tuesday but am easily disoriented! I should be nipping to the Supermarket today but might try later when it’s cooler.
Hope you get some peace today to just sit in the garden with a cool drink and a crossword or just a bit of reflection time. I can understand how difficult that can be when you are surrounded by the people that you are.
Just got a few things to handwash whilst it’s so hit. Have already untangled a long string of flashing solar lights from around the tree trunk thinking they were defective but if I’d have had any common sense I’d have checked the on/off switch beforehand and saved myself a job although I’m a bit perplexed as to how they were switched off!!
Hope you have some much deserved peace and speak shortly
Sadly some people think I am a bit snotty/standoffish but I am not, I am just very shy/uncomfortable with people I don’t know. Sometimes even with people I do know I keep quiet on a lot of things. He could/would chat to anyone. Hard isn’t it?
You are right about associations to things/places - very, very hard. Really feel for you that you cannot return to your own home, that is very sad for you. Luckily I feel comfortable in the house, just not happy in the garden/summerhouse - odd really. I do go in them but just not for any length of time.
Too hot for me, do not do well in the heat. Hope you are ok with it.
Hi Tina,
Yes, feeling on the brink of tears again about mam and Porsch, remembering all sorts of random things from the past and wondering why I didn’t do things differently. as I always do when I’m upset. If I tallied up all the good things they would far out way the things I was not able to do or frustrated doing etc. And I know if I was talking to mam about it now she would tell me not to be so silly and it didn’t matter. She knew the things I was able to do took a huge effort and determination. She understood my anxiety / panic. But I wish I could tell her how much it haunts me now that she is not here, wanting to explain. I did more for my parents than both my sisters put together and yet I feel guilty about not being superwoman. I was so stressed doing it all on my own. But none of it matters now.
The electrician cancelled todays appointment and rebooked so I made a spur of the minute decision and booked a swim. Phoned my niece and she and my little nephew came too. It was lovely seeing them after not being out the house apart from therapy since Porsch. We played tag in the outdoor pool and had a McD’s afterwards. I am shattered! Will do it again after therapy tomorrow. Nice for my nephew before he goes back to school Wed. I haven’t seen anyone all of the summer hols.
Very well done for doing a 1000 steps. They all count, whether you got any high intensity in. Would you not try going again and just leave Zoe for you bro too watch? I want to get a new bike chain and get to the woods, especially with Autumn round the corner. My niece has left her job and while she is looking for something else she is free to come too. So I have a new incentive to get it sorted while she is free.
I’ll be shattered by the end of week as I have my blood test Fri and will book another swim as it’s just round the corner. It’s like all the buses arriving together after not going for months.
I am falling asleep and struggling to keep posting so will go but pop back later on. Can arrange my trip to the crem garden too now as she is free anytime.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Alison,
I was just saying to Tina I took the opportunity to go swimming when my electrician appointment fell through and my niece and nephew joined me. So thrilled to see them and catch up before my nephew goes back to school Wed. Will go again after therapy tomorrow. Just couldn’t face sitting in the house again in this heat, knowing all the jobs I could be doing but can’t get out there. Feel so much better, like I have joined the world again. Living in isolation as I do really intensifies my sadness. I laughed and was chatting away like my old self again. Will have to have a nap now as I’m struggling to stay awake!
I think there’s a lot more going on with people getting uptight by you not wanting to chat. I’ve heard all the bitchy comments about me being snotty, snooty, stuck up, arrogant, unfriendly, anti social, blah blah blah. It’s their issue, not mine. To make comments about a person they know nothing about and are offended by the ‘unfriendly’ manner speaks volumes of nosiness and an unhealthy obsessional interest. Why would anyone want to be friends with that attitude? I know they hate that I chat away with the workmen but will not engage at all with them. I have no interest at all in any of them. If I didn’t have my anxiety about not feeling safe I wouldn’t be bothered about who was out there.
So tired! Off for a nap.
Lots of love xxx
Now you’ve undone the lights you could try them in a new place so it adds interest to your evening when you turn them on. I still have 4 garden lights to wire up (tricky, instructions not at all clear) and 2 solar lights. Might do one at the front for the creep lurking when I’m in bed watching my camping clips. I here his door when I turn off the lights, whatever time of the early morning it is. So he’s never stopped with the watching in the dark.
xxx
Hi Christine,
Glad you are feeling a bit better today. You sound so upbeat. The swim with your niece & nephew has obviously done you the world of good. And I just love a McD - must treat myself soon, not had one for ages. Cheeseburger & fries with ketchup - heaven. You are a lovely aunt, I would have loved an aunt like you - mine is very hard work even now. Not at all fun. We had a lot of aunts & uncles on dad’s side, but he came from a family of 13, he was the youngest - so by the time I came along most of them were old people, sadly none left now.
Not surprised that you are shattered - hope you managed to get a sleep.
Good to hear that you can arrange to go to the crem garden with your niece.
Love Autumn, my favourite season, not happy with this weather - was enjoying the cooler weather last week. And we had mist quite a few mornings which I love.
I think the old chap who tries to chat to me is starting with a bit of dementia or something - sad really. He is out washing his drive every morning at 6.30am.
I am not snooty at all - just find it hard to chat sometimes. And not great at meeting new people, none of my family are like that. Mum chats all morning to people in the shop - I am in the back sorting donations, prefer to be on my own. I don’t actually mind my own company, got used to it years ago when Rich worked away in the early years. Was happy when he was home & glad when he changed jobs. Although nowadays I can get a bit fed up of myself. Did yesterday.
Having a bit of a cooking nightmare today. When we went to the Ebor preview night at the racecourse one of the curries for tea was a vegi one with butternut squash in it & it was divine, not that I am in any way a vegi. So last week I saw an advert for Sharwoods vegi curry, so decided to make one myself - downloaded the recipe, good to go. At Tesco I could not find tinned chickpeas, got fed up & bought some dried ones, also thought they would be economical. So the packet said soak for 10 hours, did that, in fact soaked for more like 20 hours. Then apparently they have to be boiled. Was making it in the crockpot so googled & according to google I could just throw them in without boiling. Been on since this morning, when I got home they & the veg were rock hard, so turned it up. Veg now very soft but the bloody chickpeas are like sodding bullets. No kidding I reckon if I get a catapult I could shoot them at people I am not keen on, long list, & kill them, no evidence. Arrgghh. So disappointed. Will be picking chickpeas out when I eat it.
I have solar lights all over my garden - I find them comforting & cheery. I even have them in my house, battery ones.
Going for a shower now & then going to meet Alan, my x brother in law, for a drink. Then back to eat my crap curry.
Enjoy your evening.
Lots of love, xxx
Hi Alison,
Still laughing at your chickpeas curry! I don’t even try to cook. Hated it at school and swapped it for extra art in the third year. Really can’t understand it because mam, dad and my 2 sisters are good cooks. I would stand and wait to lick the spoon, do dishes, set the table, clear up, bob about putting things in bowls. I got rid of my cooker for extra kitchen storage. Had cobwebs on it. But at least you gave it a go. Well done! Still laughing!!
Your lights in your garden are encouraging me to get back out there again and try to ‘make peace’ with my garden again after Porsch leaving. I seem to be always running through the jobs in my head - sow a new lawn (have the seed already) and layer 2 inches of compost on top (already have a wheelbarrow piled high having emptied smaller pots of bulbs), empty the bigger pots and collect bulbs to dry (shame not to preserve them for Spring as they were glorious), reuse the compost in the pots with Autumnal pansies (always give a great display), empty the pots at the top of the garden and use the compost in the orchard to mulch fruits for winter, collect the dahlia tubours (either didn’t grow at all and what did grow didnlt flower), top up and treat the ponds, do another batch of grouting the patio, collect the stones in the soil from the fence / trellis area (from when I ruined my gravel path by emptying the pond mud onto it) and add to path up the garden, removing debris which will have dried, add a couple of paving stones to extend the patio where the bird feeding table is and grout, move large pots of bamboos, climbers and acer to the area behind the pond (tree bound so hard to dig in for any depth in planting), cut back the overhang of the big pond and the pergola (lots of dead branches), finish cutting back the branches over the roof, wire up garden lights and set up (had them for months), have a good tidy up generally and cut back. It’s all there in my head to do. Never goes away. Just need to get on and actually do it. Hoping if I make a start with the lawn it will spur me on to other jobs. Have lost my connection to the garden since Porsch. But I still feed the birds and foxes on a night, in the dark when I can’t be seen.
Really lookin forward to swimming again tomorrow. Love being with the children. I was always ‘fun auntie’ ! I loved being with my aunties growing up, proper northern women, always in a pinnie cooking scrumptious things in their bright lipsticks and beautiful hair do’s, like a scene from the fifties. It’s a real shame your family were so much older when you came along. I remember weekends at the beach in South Shields, going for Sunday teas, sleeping over Grandma’s, baking lots of pastry things. Cooking, eating and family were at the heart of my childhood. Busy houses with lots going on and every occasion seemed to be a celebration. It’s so sad that it all stopped when we moved down south. I miss being little, belonging and feeling loved.
I had to have a nap when I got in and slept until early evening, just in time to watch Eastenders with Stacy and her stalking drama. Brought back a lot of stuff. But I also realise how independent I am despite it. I seem to have turned a corner today and feel like I can take part in the world again. Grief is suffocating when I’m drowning in it. The sadness never leaves but if I can function alongside it it becomes more bearable.
I’m pleased you’re going out this evening. I haven’t been out in 20 years. It’s so strange when life slides away and time passes without you even noticing. Enjoy whatever you can when you can. I always tell my niece to do whatever she wants to do now and not to leave it. To have fun now.
Going to settle down to some you tube camping clips, my favourite. Hope your curry was edible!
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine,
Had a couple of drinks, then back home for the curry. Well it was edible, apart from the chick pea bullets. Thought about chucking them out for the birds, but I was worried they might choke on them. Anyway learnt a lesson - don’t always believe everything you read when you google! Think I will stick to the ready meals for a while. Shame really as I used to love cooking, but it is a bit soul destroying cooking just for one.
Good grief you have a lot of jobs to get done in your garden - will keep you busy for weeks. You are more dedicated than me. I have still got 80 daffodil bulbs to get planted, but the ground is too hard so will have to wait. Also a lot of cutting back & pruning to do.
I don’t watch Eastenders or any soaps, so not sure about the dramas unfolding in them. But I can understand you watching a storyline that mirrors your own. You are very independent & you have a life worth living. As we all do, just not always the life we wanted/expected to have.
I watched “when holidays go horribly wrong”. Did now fall asleep watching it, so a win for me.
Have not seen my hedgehog for a while, keep going out with my torch. But he always comes back.
You are right with the advice to your niece, I tell people the same. You never know what is round the corner, enjoy your life while you can.
Have a good day & enjoy your swim. Charity shop for me this morning & not sure what I will get up to this afternoon, will see how hot it is when I get home.
Lots of love, xxx
Just wondering how you’d been today. I’m sure I remember you were trying for another swimming session today. I was reading you’d had such a good time at the weekend with your Niece and Nephew and then onto McDonald’s, that must have been so lovely for you all. A bit of distraction and away from the estate.
I noticed you’d had a bit of a struggle again with the overwhelming sadness. I hope it’s lifted just a bit so you can have a bit of respite.
I haven’t had a productive day at all today. I set off walking to the Supermarket at 7.30am as I could well imagine how hot it was going to turn out. It didn’t take long to become really uncomfortable. By 9am it was roasting. I believe there’s to be no let up tomorrow. Then it all kind of went downhill from there as I didn’t feel too well for the rest of the day.
I managed to finish some craft I’d started but my heart wasn’t in it really. I get what you mean when you sometimes say you are doing things but it also feels like it’s just to occupy yourself. I’d often do the crafts to show Mum but I can’t expect him to be interested in sequins and sparkles. I don’t know, it still doesn’t feel real, just seems like I have this “homesick” feeling. Not for a physical place but for a place in life in general. Anyway I’m going off on a tangent now so I’ll draw a line under that.
Just sending warm wishes as well to Alison, Palou, Nick and Neil. Hope we all have a safe day tomorrow.
Was thinking of you earlier Neil in those older Theatres and how you’d been finding the recent temperatures if you have bookings lined up. Be careful and make sure you find a seat next to a Dr if possible!!
Hi Tina,
It would have been the heat making you feel ill. It’s only because I went swimming again today in the outdoor pool that I felt comfortable being outside. Really had fun again playing chase where we had to go from one end to the other without being caught. There was quite a breeze too so brilliant sunshine but not hot in the water.
Tina, you should try taking dissolvable electrolytes in water (Amazon). Helps to replenish and give you some energy, especially in the heat. I like the grapefruit and cola. Really quite refreshing. Think you should stay home tomorrow. I will be. And even if you think your day wasn’t productive at least you went out. Just think of those steps you did. They all count.
Going to be 32 tomorrow so I’m planning on washing my curtains for winter as they’ll dry really quickly in the garden and I’ll get them hung up again to finish off. Made a start tonight on one curtain (I have a double layer so each curtain is made up of two). It really does feel like going through the motions and feeling empty doing it but it’s getting the job done and I’ll be glad when they are all fresh and up again. I took my washing line down when I dug into the lawn area but have 7 ft bamboo rails I’m hoping will do as a line substitute wherever I can suspend them in the garden.
I gave my best prints of Porsch to my niece / nephew today and will do new ones again for myself. I got my extra sticky tape to put the prints back up that dropped off. It’s a real effort to do anything being on my own at home. The isolation intensifies the grief and the feeling of mam and Porsch being missing from my life. Your description of being ‘homesick’ sums it up, carrying the loss around with me no matter what I am focused on. Coming back home again wasn’t as upsetting as my first time but Porsch not being here is just soul destroying.
OMG! I have just heard her as I’m writing this. She did one of her little sighs in her sleep, like a tiny snore. I’ve even turned round and asked her if she is there, but nothing. I do think she is still here at home. I need to remember that when I walk back into the house again.
If I’m not asleep tonight I’ll wash as many curtains as I can. Going to be 32 tomorrow so too hot to go out anywhere. Hope the neighbours stay inside so I can position my pots against the fence and maybe’s get some grouting done as it will dry really quickly. It’s just a case of doing the jobs on the list so I can tick them off. Being at home is becoming a ticking time bomb of anxiety, isolation, anger that I have no freedom, deep sorrow and desperation at being left behind. My head is all over the place. Being at the swimming pool is like being back in the real world, being my old self, not feeling scared or anxious, having fun. It’s like living as two halves of myself, the old free self and the trapped fragile self. I think my anger is spurring me on to get into the garden tomorrow, though I’m not sure what I will achieve in the heat.
My goodness I’m sweltering just sitting on top of the bed covers. Can’t open any windows. Might sleep in the loft! It’s probably the coolest place and I have lots of cushions to make a bed up there. Might sleep on the sofa instead with the open fireplace and hope for a draft. Don’t want any rats nibbling on me!
Hope you feel a bit better now. Drink lots of water and sit in the shade. Will pop in and let you know how I’m getting on with garden jobs. Wanting to get out there is half the battle.
Lots of love xxx
