Hi Christine,
Hope you had a comfortable night and managed to find a film to watch.
I went to bed early. I know what you mean about sleeping away the time - sleep is my retreat from the horrible lonely life I now endure without my love. Only trouble is the waking up at the crack of dawn every day, not even any light yet. Sometimes I wake up & forget this is my life now, expect it all to have been a bad dream & things are back to normal. No normal nowadays. I was planning on meeting a pal for a drink last night, but decided I was better on my own. Iām struggling a bit at the moment. I need to get going with a jigsaw, stops my mind whirring round. I never did jigsaws until after he left me, but find they are a great distraction for me. I have managed to do the outside of one during this week - so need to get on with it. Even watching TV my mind wanders to places I donāt want it to go. Usually fall asleep watching TV nowadays, hardly ever see the end of anything, thatās why I watch crap. 
I know what you mean about feeling tired of being sad. I cannot remember what it feels like to feel happy. I put the face on but it is only a mask. Underneath I am thinking why is this my life, what did I do that was so awful that I deserved this. Other people still have their love and they donāt love them as much as I loved him/him me. Itās not fair.
Plans for today are - opticians for opening time, hoovering, dusting, load of washing, cut the grass, racing on TV this afternoon, fall asleep, drinks this evening with mum & pal, sleep. Nothing yet planned for tomorrow.
Hope you have had a good sleep and feel slightly better today, know you will not be ok, but hoping you can manage to function.
Sending a couple of hugs again. 
xx
Hello Christine
I hope the next few days will be more settled than the last have been. I understand completely about opening the front door. I had a permanent fear Zara (our previous GSD) would escape and Iād always pause before opening the door wider and when I did this without needing to for the 1st time it was heartbreaking. But youāve done that hurdle now. Thereāll never need to be a 1st time again and with each passing time the pain will get ever so slightly less than the last. Pets have a āpresenceā all of their and the silence can be unbearable so dont go thinking you need to feel less distressed anytime soon. All in your own good time.
I am in awe of your shrine to Porsch Christine I really am. I can see why you have had a surge of extra sadness as now you have finished where does all the energy/sadness go? I can remember that happening when youāve been busy doing things for your Mam and then once completed there is nowhere to channel that sadness to. I know youāll know this and that youāll climb out of the dip and on to the side for while but it doesnāt make it less easy I can truly understand that.
Brother came home last night with a bottle of the hard stuff (vodka) and considering the condition of things I could just sat there and sobbed. Even the Dr said alcohol isnāt good for gastric issues. So that was a conversation that didnāt go well. I did think though this morning that Iām pre-diabetic and am hardly sensible with the Chocolate so if anyone said I couldnāt have it Iād explode. So Iāll have to concede it was a case of the proverbial kettle calling the pan sooty-bum.
Sorry to hear as well your neighbours arenāt behaving much better. Itās hard to comprehend what goes on in the mindās of other people for them to think itās acceptable but itās probably best not knowing. Sometimes living in a field seems a nice idea. Have you ever thought of swapping your car to a little camper van and then youād be able to have a change of scenery without those two pests?
Dont be sorry for not posting. Itās perfectly fine, we are just glad to know you are safe.
Will drop by later.
Much love xx
Hi Alison
Sorry to hear your sadness has been a bit heavier recently. Itās so unpredictable isnāt it. Itās been several years since I lost my Husband but have been focused quite heavily recently on my loss. Sometimes I think Iāve got two existences and that Iām living a life here but my life with my husband is still going on somewhere and that I can go back to it as easy as catching a bus. The grief mind shows no mercy sometimes.
Hope you feel a little lighter this weekend.
Much love xx
Hi Tina,
Thank you for your message & kind words.
It is a bad time of year for me, 2 years last month since I lost him & his birthday on 16th September. Weird how sometimes I can function & just feel him in the background & other times I just want him with me so badly I cannot breathe/eat/sleep/function. Very strange thing this grief & you are right the grief mind shows no mercy.
The darker lights do not help, makes you feel more alone in a way when you close the curtains.
Got some jobs done & planning a lazy afternoon planned now. I am hoping I doze off while watching the racing, sends me to sleep nowadays even though I love going to the actual races - no accounting for how my mind works. 
Hope you have a lovely weekend.
Much love, Alison xx
Hi Alison,
Mam loved a jigsaw puzzle, especially at xmas time. We would sit for hours doing it when I visited, popping a tablecloth over it for lunch and then getting back to it again afterwards with a cuppa. I never wanted to go home. I did all the puzzles she had collected (stored in my loft during their move) last xmas. Might get a new one this xmas just to do something that brings me close to her at the most awful time of year for me. Mam was xmas. She made it magical, both as a child and an adult. I canāt celebrate xmas now but get a real tree for the garden for her. And now for my Porscha too.
Life really does feel unfair. If I believed in karma (retribution in this life for the last) I must have been a real horror! to have endured what life has thrown at me. But Iād go through it all again if only I could still have mam. I would gladly take her place so she could come back and I would watch her and wait for her to join me. Iām still waiting for her to visit me. I think my Porscha was here last night when I was watching tv. I got the tiniest whiff of cat wee but it went as quickly as it came. She had renal failure so I was always cleaning her tray. I looked to see if sheād sneaked a wee under the sofa but she hasnāt. I think she had come to sit with me.
Creep is away so Iām doing the fishtank clean with the windows and doors open, getting a blast of fresh air through the house. Always feel better for sunlight. Itās going to be hot all this week so if you have a big load to get through do it this week. Might wash the kitchen door curtain. Iāll be shattered after this, with all the floors to clean after bringing the hose through the house, and then the bathroom. But I always feel better for getting it done. Feeling quite empty emotionally. The tears are always there, waiting to burst out. But it feels like I canāt cry because thereās no point. I canāt change what has happened.
More of my pics have dropped off again. Iām not even bothered. It would usually annoy the hell out of me after all the work that has gone into the placement of it. Iāve never been a ārelaxedā person, always on the go with a project, brimming with enthusiasm, eager to get it done. Except in grief. It feels like Iām someone else. Wish I was like this for Porsch. She would have been so happy just sitting with me doing nothing.
It does seem unfair that some of us are āpunishedā with losing our loved ones while others sail through life, unaffected. Mam was/is the kindest, most loving person I have known in my life. It feels like Iām waiting now for the next thing to happen. Iām terrified that my therapist will die. He is the one constant in my life who I trust and know I can rely on to not hurt me. My niece has a life with her boyfriend so I canāt make any demands on her to help me. I have nobody else. So I live in isolation and that is why I fill in time to get through the days / weeks / months. It will be 2 years ion Nov for mam.
Time has become something I just donāt recognise anymore. And making the effort to do stuff feels like an enormous task most of the time. I had been swimming as a routine during the week but it never felt like I was really there. I would be swimming and wondering why am I doing this? But I would persevere until it stopped. I need to try to get back into it because it broke up the day, got me out of the house (just a half hour swim) and I felt like I had accomplished something, just because that was better than having not done anything at all. So if you do have the opportunity to go for a drink / meet up with a pal etc I would try really hard to go. It is so easy to not do anything but that then becomes the new normal and is so hard to get out of.
Still doing the fish tank. I have have a hose filling up and one letting it out until there is a balance of clean water. And inbetween I have fed the birds, had a sweep up of old bird seed, hung the washing out, put washing on, changed the bed, done dishes. I find doing small things I can achieve quickly compels me to do more until I have done all my tasks. I have a shopping delivery tonight so have treats to look forward to. Itās strange how normal things take on new importance when I canāt do my work. Iām sure Iāll get back into it over winter. But for now I just canāt.
Enjoy your drinks tonight. I know it can be a real effort but youāll probably feel better for getting out. Iāll be watching Casualty and seeing what is on tv. Might buy the Walking Dead series I havenāt seen. Keep putting off doing it, hoping I can get it for free!
Need to get back to the fishtank now.
Lots of love xxx
@christine51 i am so glad the bracelet arrived as the tracking seemed to stop 
x
Sitting at the Loch as I write to you and all is serene and quiet up here now all the osprey have gone on their migration to Africaā¦will see if the mum and dad turn up again in March x
Sorry to read you are feeling so down as losing Porsch I imagine would make all your losses raw again and as you said it seems impossible itās coming up two years since our mums passed x found out a couple of weeks ago that mumās best friend had a stroke out the blue and is now in hospital and seeing her not being her usual self is hard but I know if anyone can pull through she will as sheās a tough old bird and have said to mum in our daily conversations if she even tries to leave us she needs to send her right back for a few more years at least lol x
Your memorial statue is beautiful and very fitting for a Queen cat 
x
Been invited to a friends sonās first birthday party tomorrow but it may be a bit awkward as the granny and the aunt of the child arenāt speaking and the granny and I used to be great friends but she kinda drifted off after mum passedā¦hope for the sake of the wee one everyone can get along 
x
Anyway better away and serve some customers and nice to read your posts 
xx
Hi Tina,
You are so right about āfirst timesā. I think we train our own behaviour to accommodate our pets and it becomes a natural thing we are conditioned to. I was always trying to stop Porsch getting out he front door because of dogs and then the bloody idiot with the car on the grass (that has stopped as far as I know). She liked to sit on the mat and sunbathe. She was determined, even in her last days. I was just saying to Alison, Iām sure she came to sit with me last night as I had a faint whiff of cat wee but it was gone very quickly. I checked to see if sheād had a little accident somewhere but that isnāt the case. It happened after her kittle memorial joined the shrine.
The sadness is like a heavy blanket on me. The tears are always close but it feels like I canāt physically cry now. I can see her ribbons dancing outside and just feel empty. Everything I have created for mam and Porsch expresses my love for them but I just feel so empty and lost. Doing jobs between filling / emptying the fish tank is keeping me busy (found a much easier way of doing it without lugging buckets of water to the bathroom with a hose in to fill and out of the window to empty). So today is getting lots of things done. Iām sure tomorrow will be back to doing nothing again.
Now that I have her statue and have created her page for the Remembrance Book I can arrange a trip to the crem with my niece. Iām sure it will be heartbreaking seeing where she was taken when she had died. But it will become a place I can go to when I want to speak to her/ spend time with her / tell her how much I love her. Hope I can tie a rainbow braid around a tree. But if not I will tie it to her statue and take pics. It will be a link to home for her. She wonāt be in the garden yet, not until Dec / Jan. But that is ok. Her spirit was freed when her physical vessel stopped at the vets. I still canāt live with my decision to euthanise her because she had no say in what happened. But I also know I couldnāt have watched her starve to death. Either way it is torture when I think of it. My therapist canāt understand why I am still so distraught about her and that I should be living in the present, not in the past because it is gone and cannot be changed. If I was incapable of love I would always be living in the present and never feel anything at all. But who wants to be that person? She was my child for 18 years. I canāt stop loving her because she isnāt here. I just canāt switch it off.
Tina I am so annoyed that you care for / love your brother and even now he is so self destructive, going against docs advise. You can only help someone so much. He is a grown man and responsible for himself. Please donāt be upset by his actions. You need to protect / preserve your own kind heart and accept that you can do no more than you already do for him. Self preservation / self care is what we all need to do in order to keep going. I think your love of chocolate is a comforting thing. Itās been proven that we feel good with the endorphins and all that when we eat junk food. I try really hard to keep going with my healthy veg soups and fruit smoothies but I do give in to temptation, always feel guilty and that spurs me on to get back on track again. I have dark choc (high cocoa content) and eat that when I am craving chocolate. I really donāt like it but it satisfies the craving and is a good anti cancer thing. I have a hot choc drink (instant) on an evening and try drinking green tea in place of so much coffee. Introducing one thing into your day and keeping it going with a chart / diary will make you feel in control. I have another blood test next week to check high ferritin/iron levels and cholesterol. Iām very health conscious now because I am terrified of dying alone at home (even though I would gladly join mam and Porsch if I was given the option). Still havenāt got back to swimming or having my bike chain fixed. But the thoughts of doing are in my head, which is half the battle.
Creep is just returning home now and I have the front window open for the hose. Hope he doesnāt start fiddling around in that corner. Glad I got the birds fed. Fish tank is nearly done now so can retreat to the bedroom soon. I didnāt think it was possible to hate someone you didnāt know the way I despise him.
You did make me giggle imagining you and your bro being āinterruptedā in the park. Wonder what she thought was going on. I always wanted a brother when I was growing up. Would have tormented the life out of him!
Have to rush now to get the tank finished but will pop back again. Always feel better for chatting, though when Iām really sad it feels impossible to reach out.
Lots of love xxx
Hey Neil 
Always nice to read your posts even if itās just to say hi.
Hope you are doing ok these days and have Grease to look forward to. Think I saw Jason Donovan in War of the Worlds or something but didnāt know he was in Grease.
How is the job hunting going these days? Iāve been nominated to go on a training course for managers they think could progress but not sure why Iām on it as Iāve told them i donāt want toā¦itās two days out of store so of course Iām gonna go lol x
Howās the football going now? Apparently out local team
Is doing well but I have no idea as hate football lol x
What you up to this weekend? Looking for a good movie to watchā¦:any recommendations? x
Anyway better shove off just now as hear boss coming back lol x
Take care and much love 
x
Hi Suzanne,
Iām sorry I didnāt thank you straight away when I got your lovely gift. When the sadness hits I can barely move and was sleeping, staying in bed. I am honestly moved by the kindness you have all shown, to myself and Porsch. She would be delighted knowing how loved she is.
Have finished doing the fish tank and am resting now until the bathroom clean up starts. Would love to be sitting with you at the Loch! The creep is back, blasting Frank Sinatra in the garden. So I am drowning out his noise with Judge Judy. Still have the windows open as itās so warm. Feeling better today but I think that is because I had jobs lined up to get through. You will have read about Porsch sitting with me on the sofa. I smelt cat wee for a brief moment and then it was gone. She was very clean but did have renal failure so was weeing every time she had a drink. Iāll plan my trip to visit her at the crem whenever my niece can come with. Iāll take her memorial and get the same one again for the shrine so there is a direct link to home. I hope I can tie my rainbow braid around a tree but if not Iāll bind her in it in the statue. Still have to tie it around the trees in the garden. Her ribbons have been dancing all day in the breeze. Itās lovely and sunny out there and will be hot all week. Getting all my washing dried outside.
Iām so sorry about your mams friend. You could look at it both ways. If she stays for a little longer you can enjoy being with her until she leaves. But if she leaves now she will be with your mam and they will have so much to catch up on. If I had proof that the spiritual world is real I would be able to stop worrying and wanting mam to visit me so she can tell me she is ok. I imagine Porsch being happy and content with her, feeling safe and playing with renewed vigour, no more arthritis and having all the treats she could wish for until I join them. Knowing she is playing at Rainbow Bridge until I get there is comforting. I had never heard of it until The lovely people here told me and then I discovered a whole market catered for the loss of beloved pets.
I hope the birthday party goes well and there is no in house fighting! It always seems trivial from the outside but feels like being at war inside. Apart from a text weeks ago from my niece asking about the trip to the crem I havenāt heard from anyone. Still have the message from my dad wondering why I wonāt speak to him. I honestly believe he thinks he has done nothing wrong to me. He would be outraged if I treated him like that.
I didnāt realise you actually serve customers at the Loch. Iāve been watching more camping things on a night. Helps me sleep. Heās always setting up cameras but because I donāt subscribe and pay I donāt get to see all the extra bits he posts. Itās lovely watching him because heās such a happy, laid back bloke. Reminds me of camping holidays, being part of the family again, being accepted and having a place in the world. Would love to have that freedom again.
Enjoy the good weather while we have it before Autumn arrives. Iāve been wearing bed socks and cardies!
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine,
Attached is a photo of my jigsaw I am trying to get into. Got a jigsaw holder thing to do it on & an old large framed wooden picture to put the bits all out on, 500 pieces. When I get into them I can lose myself in it & do not think, which is great. Nobody would want the thoughts in my brain, I donāt want them.
I cannot celebrate Christmas nowadays. No tree or decorations for me this year at all. Last year we went to a hotel in Harrogate. This year mum has booked Nerja, Spain for a week for us - but wish we were also there for the New Year, as I donāt like that night at all. Just brings the memories back too much.
I think Porscha was visiting you. I have walked into the house & smelt Richās aftershave a few times, and I have even said āHello Rich - have you come to see meā.
No answer though. I donāt even have any of his aftershave left. One night last year I had an absolutely terrible night - I was crying so much I felt ill, when I woke up the next morning I saw what I thought was fluff on the carpet in the bedroom. When I went to pick it up it was cigarette ash - he smoked but never in the house. I totally freaked out, it was in a corner. At first I thought someone had been in the house, but eventually I came to the belief that he had been to make sure I was ok & reassure me. I am crying now. I wish I had taken a photo of it, but I was so freaked out I was scanning the house to make sure nobody was in it with me. I have had lots of other things happen, which are beyond comprehension, will tell you another time if you want.
Glad creep is away, so you can get out into the garden & get some fresh air in the house.
Got my washing done today & all dry. Lawn cutting tomorrow morning, was going to do it today but too wet. Watched the racing this afternoon, but not had a sleep.
I agree it is unfair that some of us are āpunishedā with losing our loved ones. Rich was the kindest, nicest, most gentle man you could ever meet - he was just so lovely. I was so lucky to meet/marry/love him for 32 years. We had both had awful marriages before. My first husband was evil - he used to hit me, yet he is still alive. How unfair is that? My sister has cheated on 2 husbands, divorced both, probably with someone elseās husband now, do not have anything to do with her now. My friend who I go & meet at the pub is her 2nd x-husband! She told me years ago that he hated me & Rich, now he is one of my best mates. He is adamant he never said it and also said he will never tell me the things she has said about mum & I. And I believe him. She has been horrible to my mum as well. Last year one day we all went for lunch to my aunts - I got upset & had to go outside, she then piped up that it wasnāt easy for her either, her husband was still alive!!! Nasty piece of work.
You need to get swimming again, give you a reason to get out of the house & break the day up. I volunteer at a charity 4 mornings a week, I started doing it when I helped care for my dad. Carried on after we lost dad & they welcomed mum, which was a godsend. They were so kind to us after losing dad & Rich. Mum now works in the shop on the till 4 mornings a week & all the customers love her. It gets us both out of the house & we have a reason to try & go on.
Will be going for a drink this evening with mum & sister x, we always have a laugh. Even though mum dominates the conversation, hell that woman can talk. We might do something tomorrow afternoon.
Went back to the opticians this morning, have to have another eye test! Asked if they had got my prescription muddled up with someone elseās? No answer. Then gave me this thing to read with them on, said I could not read the top line - was told I did not need to read the top line. Put my old glasses on & told them I could read the top line with them on. Not very impressed. Anyway 2 weeks before I can see the optician. See what happens then.
Need some food now. Hope you get the fishtank done. And enjoy Casualty & Walking Dead if you buy it.
Lots of love, xxx
Hi Suzanne
Job hunting gradually getting there as I have had my CV tailored and getting some more response.
Saw my team go top of the table last night ( even if it was top for just a day!
Seen Jason Donovan before in Joseph at the Palladium so this will be the second time . Might do stage door on Thursday.
Having a quiet weekend. Yet again no trains and tomorrow engineering works on the line- will be no train services at all soon the way things are going!
Catch up again soon.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Alison,
Iām āwell jelā (love TOWIE!) with your puzzle. If I were there Iād get stuck into the reds and then choose another colour to work next to the reds, Faces are good to get placement. The greens are next for me. I used to love finding the bits mam couldnāt see. She was always so pleased. I remember the old fashioned puzzle which captured the scene of her childhood with the little corner shop crammed with products. She loved it. I framed it for her and hung it in the kitchen. Mam had one of those big jigsaw puzzle boards and kept it under the bed for smaller puzzles. I wish Iād taken pics of everything so I could see what we did even though I can recall it all vividly. Mam told me she was always remembering things from when she was young. I do that now, always living in the past at all different times of the life we shared. Itās strange that I canāt remember stuff my sis up north remembers, like feeding the horses apples when we went to church. I wish I could watch it all on a loop, like a film reel. Itās both comforting but heartbreaking at the same time to remember happy times. I get a terrible shock if she pops up in my memories on the laptop when Iām not expecting it.
I think going away for xmas is a great idea. Could you not extend it? I know itās probably expensive but it could save you both a lot of tears. Everything is tainted because I always went to my parents every day over the festive holidays. Nobody likes New Year in our family so I would always go to bed early and be relieved when it was all over. Canāt even bear to think about it this year. Buying a dinner for 1 for xmas day felt like I was an old lady who had come to the end of her life and was just waiting to not wake up again. Iām 53 and my life is over without mam. Anything I did was done around visiting her and doing stuff with her. Not just xmas but all the other calendar things people celebrate. I miss sharing news and being together, not doing anything special but just enjoying spending time with her. The emptiness grows the longer she is away from me.
People say there are always signs and to be aware of them. For a year after mam I had a robin (messengers of the spirit world) visit me every day. It would follow me around the garden and Iād chat to it. Iām sure it was mam keeping an eye on me, staying close by. Maybe she waited until she thought I was ok and then got on with her new life. I want her to come back to me. I want to tell her how lost I feel without her.
Have you thought of buying Rich another aftershave? You could wear it to feel close to him. I looked for mams perfumes and makeup but couldnāt find them after sheād gone. My sisters got together and took what they wanted from mams clothes when I wasnāt there and left me to go through the charity shop bags. I have things that she was comfortable in, like her favourite warm winter cardy and glam pjās. I can only imagine the fighting over old tea sets etc when my dad is no longer here. Mam always ākept the peaceā, keeping everyone in line. Without her here there is no reason for anyone to be well behaved because mams not here to see it.
I can imagine how scared you must have felt when you found the ash on the carpet. You donāt need a photo to remember it because you have the experience in your head and heart, knowing it was Rich and that it was real. Reminds me of the creep in my house burning my wallpaper and leaving his creepy sticker on the plug. Heās always keeping an eye on me even when Iām inside my house. Since closing the sitting room windows and coming into the bedroom (nothing on tv) heās turned his music off and I heard his front door (spying on me no doubt). I can actually feel him lurking.
We should all feel blessed to have experienced the love and care we have known in our lives. People who arenāt capable of love like that must carry an emptiness very different to what we feel after losing our loved ones. I canāt understand why people keep getting married. Iām pleased that you are good friends with your sisters ex. He must feel relieved that you still want to know him and that he is part of the family. I think our sisters might get on well!
I think itās great that you and your mam work in the charity shop. I used to love seeking out a bargain but it makes me feel sad now imagining all the cherished things no longer loved because their owner has gone. I used to celebrate pre loved textiles (all manner of soft furnishings and embellishments) in my work, especially the worn out and thread bare. But since taking mams bags to the shop I canāt get my head around it now. My whole perspective on life has changed. Anything now is an effort just for the sake of doing something rather than nothing. Working for charity is very worthwhile. Imagine all the people who are looking for something special to cherish once again. When my sisters children were little they loved to rummage in the charity shops and car booties. Such bargains. I always thought of my finds as treasure.
Enjoy your drink tonight. Maybeās you can wear your āsomeone elseās glassesā tonight and pretend to be tipsy without having to consume the alcohol. Canāt imagine the opticians will ever admit that theyāve buggared up the prescriptions. Because then you can complain and ask for comp. You could anyway, if you had the energy to. Imagine if the other person turned up with your glasses. That would be funny. You could just swap and be on your way!
Iām all sorted now apart from cleaning the bathroom. Always my least favourite job, ever since I was staying with my aunty in my summer hols and had to clean the loos. She reminds me of that comedy with Mrs Bucket / Bouquet / Keeping up Appearances. When she moved down south she pretended not to be a Geordie any more but her false posh accent would start slipping after sheād had too many glasses of wine. I always used to say to mam I couldnāt imagine the two of them being sisters.
Just waiting for my shopping. Lots of naughty treats as Iām so fed up with eating veg soup and being good. I took my therapist a belated birthday cake but he had eaten and so I didnāt get a piece. Have ordered the same cake again with cream. Have a long wait but my mouth is watering already!
Enjoy tonight. Lots of love xxx
Hi Debbie,
Have a look in your letter box if you can get there! Just a little thing to make you smile and know I am thinking of you and wishing you well in your recovery.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine,
Just a quick message before I go out.
It is a double jigsaw, if I ever manage to finish both of them I will send it to you. Here is a picture of both of them. Donāt watch TOWIE so not sure of the association. When I finish one I always photograph them on my phone - sense of achievement for me. Have to be honest takes me ages.
Do not want to buy his aftershave, would rather smell him when he has been here - if that makes sense? I know in reality it doesnāt make any sense at all, but if I smell his aftershave it makes me happy he has been home. Stupid really. I know what you mean about the emptiness. I feel it every day in some form or other.
Cannot extend it the Christmas Holiday, the hotel is full & we have booked a weekend away at Nidd Hall for just after the New Year. Mum will need to recover from the holiday before we go away again.
Awful what the creep did to you, how can anyone justify going into someone elseās house - just horrendous. To haunt someone in their own home is the stuff of nightmares. You are so brave to keep living there. Not sure I could do it on my own. You have more strength than you give yourself credit for.
Hoping I do not have to see the same optician, as obviously not got much faith in them. Will see what happens in 2 weeks.
I hate cleaning the bathroom too, was Richās job - mine was the dusting, washing, cooking, ironing - pink jobs as one of my male friends calls them.
My mum loves keeping up appearances, to be fair she is a bit like Mrs Bucket - not in a horrible way.
Got to go, just heard her car door on the drive.
Enjoy your shopping treats & cake.
Lots of love, xxx
Hi Christine, parcel arrived at teatime, thank you so much. What a lovely bookmark so delicate and pretty.
Iām getting on much better with walking now, around the house and garden down to using one crutch. Havenāt ventured out the front door yet, probably still continue to use two crutches when I do.
My leg is still very swollen, stiff and sore, especially first thing on the morning or if Iāve sat a while. Being a good girl and doing my exercises and using ice packs.
I love all the picture walls you have created with Porschaās photos. You need stronger sticky tabs to stop them falling down.
Did you have nice treats in your shopping, I had mine delivered today and the delivery driver kindly carried it into my kitchen for me.
Itās going to take a while to adjust to life without Porscha but it will get better. Coming home to an empty house takes some getting used to, but I talk to Doug the whole time as Iām sure you do to, to Porscha.
I thought my friend was popping round this evening for coffee, she hasnāt shown up yet so I take it she is not coming now. Never mind going to bed shortly.
Thank you again for the lovely surprise.
Love Debbie xx
Hi Debbie,
I wanted to get something to make you smile and thought this was very apt with your love of reading. I wish I had got one for mam. She loved her books.
Sounds like you are doing everything you should be doing in order to get well. It will take some time to heal but you will. Shame your friend didnāt call round. Maybeās sheāll pop in tomorrow and if not give her a call to see if sheās ok. It was kind of the delivery driver to bring your shopping in. Mam had hers carried in too. People are kind. I would often be over there for deliveries, putting everything away after cleaning out the fridge because she couldnāt bend down to do it. Itās only when I look back that I see it, even though it was happening infront of me and I just did what I needed to because there was always so much I had to do and I was the only one doing it. I wish she was still at the old house, ringing me in the morning and chatting throughout the day when I wasnāt over there.
I talk to Porscha all the time, especially in the kitchen, looking at her beautiful face in her pics. Not sure if having her everywhere is more upsetting, or just that Iām upset anyway. Really missing mam again. It comes in waves. Canāt get used to being alone.
Had a feast tonight of chicken burger (replacing my usual beef burger treat because of my cholesterol), crisps, salami on little biscuits with red velvet cake and cream for afters. Iām so stuffed. Havenāt eaten that much in a long time as I lost my appetite. Will be back to my veg soup tomorrow.
I hope you will be ok in the heat as itās going to get very hot next week. Be lovely if you could sit in the garden in the shade. But do be careful.
Itās another late evening so Iāll say goodnight. Iām pleased youāre home and that everything has gone well.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Alison
Iād love to live in that jigsaw! If only real life was like that, even if only just for a little while.
Have a nice Sunday.
Hi Tina
I know what you mean, they are both so nostalgic & innocent looking. No mobile phones there.
Hope you have a nice Sunday too.
Mine will be ok once I have managed to get the mammoth lawn cut, my nemesis.
xx
Hi Alison,
Doug loved doing jigsaws always had one on the go. I do them occasionally, but it was the love of them he passed onto our daughter. She finished the one her dad was half way though when he died.
I see you love the horses my son in law is passionate about horse racing, but only the flat season. He loves going to New Market.
Debbie x
Hi Debbie,
I got into doing them to distract me while Rich was having chemo & was really ill, sleeping all the time. It was a quiet distraction for me. Then carried on after he died, the need to concentrate on something was soothing for my mind.
Love the horses, grew up going to the races with my dad. Never been to Newmarket, would love to but have been told the drive from York is not great. Maybe one day.
Right going to tackle my lawn - hate it. We bought the house for the garden, but really it is too big for me - do not want to move house though. Think next year I might sell the petrol mower & pay someone to do it for me. I will need a lie down if I get it all done.
Thank you all for your kindness to me in your lovely group. 
Alison xx