Sending love Nic. Very much know where you are coming from
I have woken up again shaking and drenched in sweat. Will just take it hour by hour. Will aim to do a task at work and have a shower before the afternoon.
Hope Christine is okay and we hear from her soon
Best Beki
Hi everyone,
Sorry I havenāt been posting. Feeling very trapped and upset again. It happens when I canāt get into the garden. I have new pics to post later after therapy and it looks a lot of work but it seems to only be worthwhile while Iām doing it. Feel like mam is āmissingā like I just need to find her and then everything will be ok again. Feel so very alone without her. And abandoned by dad. Canāt quite believe he has treated me like this. I wonder if it was him who stopped me seeing mam before she went into hospital. He always had me in the garden doing work instead of me spending quiet time with her. And I kept wondering why mam didnāt have that final conversation with me like she did my sisters. Itās because I wasnāt included in the hospital list so couldnāt talk to her or get any info. Itās like Iām trying to piece together what has happened to make sense of it all, like the picture has been smashed into fragments that I have to find. I have therapy soon and I know he will say Iām punishing myself and making grief harder but I need to make sense of it all. I wonder if dad has just tolerated me my whole life because of mam. I wonder if he knows that mam is everything to me and he isnāt. I have so little energy that everything is a task. Iām just not able to function unless Iām in the garden because that is what she loved to do and Iām creating the garden for her. The āsecret gardenā behind the old shed door in the top corner might be where I sprinkle her ashes. She loved fairies and magic. I have to go. I donāt want to get upset again or I wonāt be able to leave the house. Iām so lost without her and just want to be a little girl again so I can be with my mam forever.
Oh Christine it sounds like you are having a really tough day so thank you for reaching out here.
You loved your mam and she loved you, and no outside force could change that (even if they tried) so hold on to that.
beki x
Hi Christine
It is nice to hear from you. Not so good that you have been in a turmoil again and I hope the worst of it passes and you get to do stuff in your garden. I really enjoy seeing what you have done. It gives me the inspiration to see what I ācouldā have done if I could stir my stumps, as the saying goes. I have had some bleak days too as I have been unable to stay up after letting Zoe out and have gone back to bed. Dreading all this 4 day bank holiday business too.
Currently managed do some tree pruning and tidying but its quite chilly to be honest. My pink climbing rose on the front has hundreds if buds and flowers but sadly they have bloomed on the top and you would have to be 9ft to see them!! Nature does as it pleases!!
Speak soon and much love.
xx
Hi to Debbie, Neil, Nic and Beki and Suzanne.
I hear you all talk about your films and theatres and must confess to being a but if a luddite in that department!! If its not anything that us a half hour episode I lose interest. My brother had Speed 1 on the other night and I did watch that as I enjoyed it originally. Generally though if its not Corrie or Emmer or the News it doesnāt get seen. I didnt even know the Top Gun had Tom Cruise in it again!
Hope everyone sees a bit of respite. Currently sat here with my Espresso Martini (thatās a candle by the way!) and the sun is catching the Crystal suncatcher sending rainbows everywhere. They say small things amuse small minds but whatever makes you feel better for a short while is something.
Much love to all.
Hi Tina,
I have never heard of that stump expression and must admit had a wee chortle as so descriptive 
x
Must admit my attention span was never great but think itās got worse but thy could be also āthe changeā lol x
Not a massive Tom Cruise fan and find all the Scientology stuff very interesting though tbh x
If Zoe has you up at that time every morning then no wonder you want to go back to bedā¦I had a long lie today for the first time in months and actually enjoyed itā¦then I heard the cat moaning so had to get up and feed him lol x
Maybe an espresso martini 
(the drink) may help you chill a little (always drink responsibly lol) x I am a Southern Comfort girl myself but the Captain Morganās Tiki is a close secondā¦God I sound like an alcoholic but couldnāt tell you the last time I had a drink x
Anyway always thinking of you and very pleased to see Christine posting xx
This was my treat to myself today 
Hey Christine:)
I am so pleased you took the time to post a message and am sorry to read that you are going through a tougher time than before and hope your therapy can help you out x
I really wish I could convince you that your mum loved you unconditionally and that these conversations that took place before she passed weāre not to ignore or distance you from the family. I truly believe your dad does love you but he just finds it hard to show it as maybe you are both too much alike a little 
x I honestly believe your sister that lives near you likes to create drama and paranoia for some reason and she just comes across to me from what youāve said in the past as very twisted and not very nice which is funny in an ironic way as your niece seems to be very nice, loving and respectful and I hope you get swimming during the summer at some point x
I know it may not be the same but you are very much the lynchpin who started this whole wee family so you are very important to us all and never forget that.
Look forward to seeing your photos and take care 
xx
@NEILB72 just checking in to see how you are doing today and wondering if you have sorted out your plans for the weekend. Love as always 
x
@nicnic wondering how you are today and what you and the girls have been up to? Hope the weather has been ok down there as weāve had nice weather until I needed to go buy cat food and then the heavens opened 
x
@Beki did you manage to do any work today? Hopefully the shakes wore off throughout the day allowing you to function a little better x what are your plans (if any) for after work?
@Debbie57 afternoon Debbie, just checking in to see how you are feeling today and if youāve been up to anything. Iāve tried to start appreciating the small things in life so apart from my lunch my other āexcitingā thing to look forward to today is a nice big bit of apple pieā¦.so hard to find a decent vegan apple pie so better not disappoint lol x
Hi Christine
Great to see you post as was getting a little worried. We all understand that you are having a bad time and you know you are amongst friends here. I was in a terrible state on Friday , the worst Iāve been for ages.
Today, even for a Tuesday, hasnt been too bad .
Please take care of yourself and post again when you feel able. Looking forward to your next set of pics!
Sending lots of love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Nic
You never, ever bring us down . This is what this forum is for to share how we feel and to support each other. Hope you are feeling a bit better now . As we know it is all pretty crap and itās just that some days are less crap!
Love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Suzanne
Havent decided what Iām seeing yet. Checking the websites every day for latest ticket info. By the way I found out that Sophie is not actually performing in Wicked at the moment . She finished in 2019 but returned in 2021 when they reopened after Covid but only for a temporary spell. I should have known that . You will still see a great show though!
Had a decent Tuesday for a change, well less crap than what it is usually.
Hope your day has been as good as it can be
Love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina
Corrie and Emmerdale are the only two shows I can watch now that Mum and I watched together. Other stuff we saw I cant now . Must admit I dont really watch a great deal of TV so a lot of the stuff that gets nominated on TV awards and the Baftas etc, I dont have a clue really.
Had two or three pretty good days but dreading the bank holiday so looking for something to book last minute.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Managed some work today. Not a lot but something. Got thrown for a loop when one workmate called and was talking about me going to the Barcelona office in September and said oh maybe you could live here and I just freaked. I canāt think beyond tomorrow and can barely leave my bedroom let alone the country!
There is a big leadership online meeting in a couple of weeks and my director just sent me an email and asked if Iād prefer not to speak and sheād do my presentation which was really thoughtful.
I havenāt eaten much for the last few days so really must try and get something down me.
Hi Beki,
That was lovely of your colleague to suggest that x
Barcelona is an amazing place and would love to visit there again one day but think if someone suggested I move there to live out the blue I would panic tooā¦as you say one day at a time just now. Do you speak Spanish?
Away try getting something to eat even if itās just a bit toast x I think I lived on bananas for about 2-3 weeks after I lost mum x give it time your appetite will return in time x
Stay safe and chat soon xx
Hi Neil,
Oh thatās a shame I wonāt see Sophie but as you say itāll still be good 
x
Glad today hasnāt been as tough as they have been and just seen that Scone Palace (about 6 miles away) are having some Jubilee event this weekā¦think for once Iām pleased to be working lol x
I think youāre right though to wait a wee bit and see what pops up as many events may start advertising especially free ones when they know what the weather is etc. think thatās what happens with the Edinburgh Fringe every yearā¦people donāt know whatās going on until that very morning some times x
Have a pleasant evening and will check in with you tomorrow xx
Hi Beki
No you do what is right for you. Dont let others try and force you to move. That is your home and your Mums home. Iāve had this- people trying to get me to move and get so annoyed. You do what you want and at your own pace.
By the way, liked the post about the fart. Had a little smile about that.
Hope your evening is as good as it can be
Love and best wishes
Neil x
My appetite was back and now it has gone again.
I think I was so focused on travelling up north for my graduation and seeing family there and now I am back at home, on my own, trying to start work again - all feels bit bleak and like a mountain ahead.
The kitchen is a heck of mess, thereās cleaning to be done etc but I just dont have the oomph right now. I have had a shower and hairwash today, and a 2 hour nap but want another nap under cosy blanket!
Hi everyone,
@christine51, itās good to see you post again, it been a tough couple of days for you not being able to get out in your happy place the garden. I love the idea of your secret garden for you mumās ashes, with fairies. Try not to focus on what did or didnāt happen just before your mum died, you canāt change whatās past, but just except she loved you very much and you will always be her little girl.
Looking forward to seeing you photos.
@Tina19 and @NEILB72 Iām not into soaps but I do have a guilty pleasure of watching Doctors, record it everyday so I can watch it when I get home from work. My go to TV station is Dave.
@nicnic, hope you feeling a bit better today, I know what you mean about cooking roast dinner, seems pointless now there is just me to cook for.
@Beki, I can image the panic to suddenly think you being sent to Spain. Your Company Director seems to be understanding of where you are. You talked about peri menopausal, my daughter asked her doctor about it he told her your to young. Iāve suggested she sees one of the female GPs who will be more sympathetic and insist on a blood test to check. Iāve been through the menopause and know how horrible it can be with night sweats and all the rest that goes with it. Make sure you keep eating, even if itās only regular snacking on fruit. Suzanne mentioned bananas, my mum, me and our daughter love them, think we were all breast feed on purĆ©e bananas as babies.
@Suzanne30 , itās been a bit of a strange day, I dreamt of Doug and woke up with tears falling. The day did get better went for lunch with two close friends, one who is also a widow. Had GP appointment this afternoon, she suggested I double the Amitriptyline, as still not sleeping well, and if I donāt hear from Talking Therapies by next week to ring them again. Iām a bit worried about our son, which is not helping, he is really struggling, not just with losing his dad but also with his teenager daughter and an old relationship which was very abusive. Itās all piling up and he now admitted he needs help and has contacted Mind. We never stop worrying about our children no matter how old they are, their problems are not so easy to solve like they were when they were little. I think itās all catching up with me today I can feel I might be getting the start of a vertigo attacked. I hope not.
This 4 day bank holiday us going to be difficult, not sure whatās open or shut, routine is thrown out the window.
For me, Thurs, I helping at my church with old time sing along, Friday the street is having a BBQ. Sunday going to watch one of my granddaughterās dancing at party in the park event.
I hope you all manage to get through this weekend okay.
Sending love
Debbie X
Hi Debbie
I sometimes watch Doctors. I keep forgetting that itās not on Fridays . What happened to the repeats in the early evening? Didnt last long.
I agree. Bank holiday is going to be difficult for us all. Every single bank holiday since Mum passed has been bad for me so need to get out on Saturday . Just need to get through it as best we can
Speak soon
Love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Beki,
Donāt be so hard on yourself as regards housework x I know my house is a tip at the moment but like you work full time and on days off the last thing I have energy for is to clean the houseā¦as long as the pets are clean, fed and happy then I am x
Have you eaten today? x if you canāt face food as such then maybe a nice milkshake or meal replacement bar might help until you can face food x
Hope you are having a peaceful evening xx
