I keep crying all the time and today has been really awful. . It’s overwhelming. My partner died last Saturday and I feel so alone.
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I am so sorry, Genie. It is so recent you are bound to feel this way. We all understand, keep posting and reading. The people here are all ready to support you. It has been a lifeline for most of us.
Sending hugs and strength. Xx
Thankyou Willow112
I just walk from room to room and think he will be there or he will phone. Even at work he always phoned to see if I was ok. Now nobody would know if I was or wasn’t.
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I know that feeling. For now just put one foot in front of the other. Don’t even think about the future, just get through the next hour. Then, when you have done that, the next hour. Baby steps. Try to eat something, even junk. Try to get a little sleep. Just do what has to be done and leave the rest until tomorrow. Xx
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I feel for you, the first few weeks are unbearable. My husband died 8 weeks ago. I just focused on functioning and keeping some sort of normality for my kids initially
Be kind to yourself. Do what you need to do even if it is crying lots. Rest, eat and function.
If you have close friends or family, let them look after you if they’re offering. You’ll get through one way or another.
Sending you love
Swantafff
I’m sorry for your so recent loss too. It’s hard for you when you have children to keep up for.
I do have family who are supporting me but I feel a burden. I also feel guilty that I should have insisted he went to the doctor long ago and then at moments I feel mad at him for not doing so.
Oh I know how that feels but I hope you know that none of this is your fault.
Looking back my husband had symptoms for quite a few months before he was diagnosed, he did go to the GP on two occasions and they found nothing, said it was stress, being over weight blah blah.
He was then very ill for two weeks, resulting in an emergency admission. Then we were told he had terminal metastatic cancer. I’m a nurse and one of his Drs actually asked me why I hadn’t recognised his symptoms. I was crest fallen and beat myself up for many many months.
It was my husband who stopped me, made me see that no one had recognised his symptoms and nothing could now change the outcome.
Try to be kind to yourself. I’m sure you are not a burden. People genuinely want to help and support you, let them, let them love and support you.
But most of all , be kind to yourself. Look for the tiniest glimmer of joy in every day if you can, even if it’s just because you dressed and showered.
Xx
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I had something similar. My partner became ill just eight weeks ago and was also diagnosed with metastatic cancer. I too am a nurse and wonder why I couldn’t see that his recent tiredness was really ill health. I am told that the cancer had probably been there silently for years. He had lost a little weight too and his face was thinner but I put it down to age and tiredness from work. I nursed him as best I could but couldn’t save him.
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Cancer is a real bar steward!!!
I do think as nurses we put to much on ourselves to do everything , to be everything , that’s what we’re trained for, right?
What I’ve learnt is although I give 100% to my patients , it’s so very different when you’re so emotionally involved. When it’s your partner who you love with everything you are.
I’m sure you did the very best you could . I’m sure your husband felt and knew that and how much he was loved.
As the days pass I do find that a bit of a comfort. I hope you can too
I also feel sad that I had to cause him some pain as well as comfort, administering his injections which he hated and denying him foods he wanted because the doctor advised it. Now I wish we’d just let him enjoy whatever he wanted. I know he liked me to do his care much more than bringing in strangers but I also know it was hard for him to lose some dignity. It is so different from nursing a patient at work. I found it exhausting to care for him and felt guilty when he told me to rest or when I was upset and he asked me not to be. Did you feel the same?
Yes I was very much the same.
It started with managing his PICC line which (he hated having the line) the hospital weren’t very supportive of; then needing to go in (which I’d have to make him as he hated hospital) when they thought he had neutrapenic sepsis. At times I felt like a bully!
His deterioration, he hated me being a carer and fought it . Watching my big strong husband needing help reduced me to tears often. Also the fact he would struggle on rather than call me , I found hard.
This was the case even when he was admitted to the hospice a week before he died. Always checking myself and the kids were okay, being brave for us and trying to protect us.
The exhaustion was overwhelming, emotionally and physically.
For the first two weeks after he died, I thought it would never go, but of course it did. The guilt about well frankly anything and everything is also is passing but I was pretty hard on myself (and still can be on bad days)
Grief is rather tortuous- I describe it like being in a washing machine of emotions !
It’s good to know someone understands. Your struggle must have been hard with children to care for. My partner too would not call me for help thinking I would rest but actually it made me more worried. The only time he ever cried was when he could not do anything for himself and said he felt so weak. He thought he would have a few years left but he didn’t have a few weeks. And the hospital called me too late. I wanted to be there but missed his passing by 10 minutes.
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That’s very tough on you.
I hope you’ll find some peace soon.
Grief can make you have some of the darkest thoughts, especially when revisiting the last few weeks, months even hours.
I hate the saying ‘time will heal’ but for me time has started to allow me to remember the joy and love we had, even before he got ill. It’s raw at first and hurts like nothing I’ve ever experienced but it’s also becoming a comfort.
I very much hope you’ll find this too.
My wifi was down till now so just saw your reply.
I hope the memories of the last few weeks will eventually be replaced by all the good memories we made as yours are beginning to. It’s been comforting talking to you as you understand so well.
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Genie1It is completely normal, it is so early for you, it is horrible, unbelievable,and you feel like your heart is actually broken in two. All i can say is go with it, let the grief flow, it does get better a tiny bit each day, your tears will wash the grief and you will start to learn ways to cope but for now don’t even try. You are grieving because you loved each other and you always will. X