Crying out where are you?

This grief process has now gotten me crying out silently " where are you Richard " as I slowly walk through our parkhome as if looking for him, not knowing which room he is in…I know he is not here but it is all like a dream and I am expecting him to show himself whilst saying " i am in the kitchen or the bathroom, " cant you see me, you need another pair of glasses…" that would have been his sense of humour…
This morning would be another one of his supermarket shop days, always got up an hour earlier to get his breakfast, do the shop, then take out our-his cocker spaniel for his walk…this was the order he would have done it in…How in just over two months can I go from having a long time partner, would have been 20 years by now, and a dog ( found a near yet off site forever new home with another dog ) a car, to nothing…" How life can turn upside down in a blink of an eye…

Jackie…

Jackie, How I feel for your torment. I too am feeling as if everything has left me so your not alone love. I have been doing so well of late. Yes I cry a lot, I feel lost and alone but thought I was dealing with it, becoming accustomed to my life as it is now. My walking in the countryside gave me some sanity, my therapy. I was proud of my fitness and health, it was precious to me
Then I had chest pains and this week I went into hospital and was kept there for three days. Tests upon tests and all I could think about was how alone and lost I felt, although my grandson came up trumps and travelled miles to feed my dogs and walk them No wonder he’s my main be in my will. I think the first day I cried and cried. I wanted Brian to be with me. You see I have never been ill in my life and I have never taken prescribed medication. Always been proud of my track record for being healthy. I clung to it, precious.
I have just arrived home from hospital, came home on the bus, and feel so alone, so empty and have that feeling that I have never given into. That there is precious little to carry on for. My walking may well have come to an end as I know it, my allotments might have to go.
I have been given medication that I feel I don’t need. Some for high blood pressure and Hi cholesterol and I don’t have either, just precaution I am told but do I want to be a walking pill machine and the side affects I am terrified of. Doctors don’t take any notice of what I have to say. Pushed from one to another. I truly think I am at my lowest since Brian went. I am tired and confused. Is it the drugs they gave me in hospital or is it me giving in.
What you have gone through Jackie breaks my heart. You have been so brave and much worse off than me. But like you I feel I am losing my life as I knew it and wonder why. Perhaps we have to make things happen instead of sitting back and waiting but I am losing the will. What next I ask myself. What is the good Lord going to throw at us next.
I am feeling incredibly sorry for myself, I know that. But the shock of finding myself in hospital has really thrown me and pushed me back down that black hole.
I actually said to a Doctor I don’t care if I live or die at the moment. I am not proud of myself for saying it, but felt so troubled.
Jackie I wish I could say more to you to help, usually I would try to cheer someone up a bit but seem to have no cheer in me at the moment. Still tomorrow is another day. So let’s hope that we will all find some strength from somewhere.
Pat xxx

Patti…
…oh I am so sorry you have not long come out of hospital…Don’t think this is going to make you feel any better but Richard was the same, he had never been in a hospital bed, never had any invasive hospital tests, never had any serious illnesses apart from being type 2 diabetic which was kept in control…Well all changed once we moved here to Dorset…

For Richard It was like waiting for a bus, then three buses come along all at the same time…a clean bill of health then we didn’t know what we was really dealing with…

Oh yes Pat, I am the same as you, I want to stay clear of anything meds, and so far all I am on is blood pressure meds…I have never been a one for taking medications, I will avoid them as and when possible…Richard was on far too many for my liking but his attitude was " they are probably keeping me alive…" well he isn’t here now is he? I had told him that " when our time is up, it will be up…" and sadly it was for my Richard on that morning of 11th April…

Yes tomorrow is another day, there are no two days alike, or so they tell us…

If anyone is giving me the strength to deal with all this it will be Richard, he will know what I am now faced with, I am sure he will still be caring for me, as he has been caring and looking after me for these past 20 years from day one when we met he was looking after me, never letting me go without, same as now, he has provided for me, I only wished he was here to share the rest of my life with me, that was our intentions…He was loyal to me to the very end… from start to finish…

Pat, maybe it is the drugs, the meds, are these going to be a permanent thing or just a temporary measure of taking them?
Jackie…

Jackie, it is dreadful, We were married 57 years. All i have to show for that is a few pots of ashes. I wife Janet was lovely and so pretty, I was so proud of her, I wish I could have her back for an hour to tell her that. She made lovely Patchwork Quilts and Throws, even though she was colour blind. I speak to her everyday but there is never an answer. You are behaving normally in an unreal situation. Janet died 26 months ago but the heartfelt pain does not go away. I try to go out as much as possible and belong to several bereavement support groups, it helps. Ed

Oh Pat, I am so sorry you’ve been unwell. I had noticed you were missing from the site but thought you had just taken a break as many of us do occasionally. Please don’t give up, don’t make any rash decisions yet with regards walking and allotments. You sound like you are a strong person so hopefully you can bounce back from this. It is just a blip in your grief journey but you will regain your strength Pat. You will because you have to. Sending you lots of love and hugs. Xx

Dear Pat, so sorry to hear what you’ve been through the last few days and how low its made you feel. Three days in hospital is more than enough to make even the strongest person feel tired and confused! Sleep well in your own home tonight, wishing you a return to the more positive Pat that you usually are and hoping you feel able to get back out there amongst the veg tomorrow!!
Maybe your grandson will cheer you up with a visit also.
Xx
Xx

Pat, your words broke my heart. I’m new to this site but have already taken solace from your previous supportive empathetic posts.
Take one day at a time and don’t let this knock you down. You come across as such a strong kind lady I just wish we could all have a big group hug and gather strength from those of us having a hard earned good day.
Don’t give in, we are here for you x

Dear Pat

I am so sorry to hear you have been poorly and it has laid you so low. You have been so helpful to me and others on this site - I wish there was something we could do to help you. Being alone is horrible and if we are ill it makes us feel vulnerable. My own doctor told me that grief can bring on all sorts of aches and pains and the power of the mind is such that this wretched grief does affect us physically too.

I hope you are able to get out in the sunshine today (assuming the weather is like it is here) and maybe a gentle stroll with the dogs and a rest on the bench rather than working so hard in the allotment. Maybe for a while until you are feeling stronger it is time to stand and stare - and wait for your bees to come back and the robin too. I know for you that nature and the outdoors are so important and I also know that like me you feel the need to keep busy as a distraction - but you do need to rest too. Maybe take a book with you (although I still cannot read) or my saviour is crossword puzzles. It makes me sit and it distracts me.

Sending you a big hug dear lady.

Trisha xx

Trisha…I too can vouch for that…quoting: " grief can bring on all sorts of aches and pains…It also exacerbates our MS…it has done for me…

Jackie…

Morning Jackie

It does seem to bring everything on - my arthritic knee is really playing up today and I did nothing yesterday to make it worse. I usually sleep the sleep of the exhausted - but last night ended up watching Billy Elliott - it ended at 2! I could watch it as it is not a film Gary would have watched (still cannot watch anything we would have watched together) - and I really enjoyed it. It took my mind away for a while which is what we all need isn’t it.

Take care and if you can get to your outside chairs - maybe sit for a while with the sun on your face.

Trisha xx

Trisha…
…this is one thing me and Richard never would have done, he loved staying up late on a Saturday but only if there was football on the tv…I of course would leave him to it…
Oh yes, I too record comedy such as all the repeats of Everybody loves Raymond and Frasier…it doesn’t matter how many times I have watched them, they take my mind away from my unhappiness for a few hours…then I come back down to earth, wish my Richard was here with me on earth…

Jackie…

Hello Pat, I’m wondering how you’re doing?
It’s several days since you posted and usually you’re such a regular.
You were obviously so low on return from your stay in hospital. I truly hope that your health is a little better now and getting back to walking with your beloved dogs and tending your allotments seems more possible than you thought when you were at that low ebb.
You’ve been so strong , forging ahead on many fronts in the midst of your grief at losing Brian. I think your body was complaining and needs you to let up just for a while before you get back in your stride.
This grieving is crap, how we get through each day I don’t know but I hope your health and determination will return soon.
Thinking of you ,
Xx

Hear hear Sadone, I miss Pat too…xx

I seem to be going through a stage of making my home pleasing for Richard…By pleasing, what I mean is, for the past couple or so days I am placing some hidden away holiday souvenirs from the Dartingon glass facory we bought from, and bought back from Portmeirion…I have also ordered and now reciebved a floral set of three mini flower vases form Portmeirion that I know Richard would have justloved…Its as if I am trying to please him by making this home the way that would have made him happy to see…I am also waiting for him to come home just to see his reaction when he sees them…I have also been rearranging the large vases flowers, keeping whats left looking fresh… I know how much Richard loved his flowers and plants, I just want to make him happy…Just wish he was here enjoying his home as I know he would love to see it as it is now…ok I am crying again…will he come home if he knows what I have been doing?

Jackie…

Jackie It has been nearly 4 years since I lost my husband and lost my faith. I feel so alone and as though theee is nothing good in the world. There have been times when instead of crying out silently I do it out loud and although as I said I lost faith I have had a few strange things happen which makes wonder. Birds and other creatures have done some very odd things at times like this and behaved in ways they don’t normally it is just what he would do if he was trying to comfort me . Maybe I am going bonkers I don’t know. I do talk to him out loud and although it doesn’t heal the pain some how actually saying the words does make me feel that if there is any thing “out there” then maybe this will help. Until I joined this group I didn’t realise how many people suffer such pain. I hope you do find some comfort and hope. Take care

Bethany…
…like you, today I am losing faith in the people who are connected to two churches, the nearest to me once one gets out of this way down in the valley parkhome site…two are letting me down badly…One church has what they call " community Angels…" well been near three months now to help arrange for me to go to their church, phoned him several weeks ago only to hear him tell me " I haven’t forgotten you…" oh but he has…

Then their was the small village church last week, only three elderly couple attended…The female warden came over alongside the female Lay Minister who comforted me when I was crying, took all my home details, which no one has gotten in touch with me all week, yet this mornings service was all 3 or 4 churches together…Here I am sitting at home when I would have loved to have gone to church…
What angers me is they say there is help out there, well just wait until you try to get it…

Jackie…

Jackie…

In two months I had same my husband died suddenly unexpected. I had a dog he was there now my dig had to be PTs. As it was 17 but pined away. My working hours increased due to not having his income. My other dog had to be rehomed. My life changed for the worse

Yes our dog too has found another forever home, thankfully not too far away and in a bricks and mortar house just a short distance away from our parkhome, plus our cocker spaniel is also with another dog for company, he will be well cared for, a larger house with garden…So in a short space of time, 13 weeks, i have lost my partner of 20 years, my dog, and the car…nothing else to take from me really…

Jackie…

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