I’m sitting in the garden in the dark crying. It’s been 17 months since my partner died and my whole world changed for ever. I miss him every second of every day. I have joined a friendship group because we only had each other and that’s all we needed. I have been to the seaside today with a lady from the group on a coach trip. I was a carer for my partner for the last 10 years and we were together for 25 years it was the first time I went somewhere and enjoyed myself. I came home and I didn’t have him to tell him about it. I feel so guilty for enjoying myself and I’m so scared that I am forgetting the us and starting to be me. I have decided to go to where some of his ashes were scattered for his birthday and I have booked a little cottage for the weekend. We didn’t have children and I don’t really have much to do with his family now because they have their own families and my family are in America. I want to make him proud of me that I am doing the things we did together before he got ill but I just don’t want to feel like I’m forgetting him and the love we had for each other. Excuse me for rambling on because my brain is just so full
Hi mini1
I am glad you found some joy in your trip today and it sounds like you have been working hard to try and build a new life that you can live without your beloved partner.
Sadly this is what we all have to do and so please don’t feel guilty - I am sure he would have wanted you to keep living your life the best you can.
You will never ever forget him, he will always be in your heart and you will carry him everywhere you go. We aren’t moving on from our loved ones, we are just trying to move forward and find some way to keep going without losing ourselves under all of our pain.
Your plans sound brave and true - and I find them inspiring so I hope you can find some comfort in that.
Sending some love to you tonight 
roni52. Thank you for your help. I have been looking at another day trip next week that some of the other group members are going. To the seaside again but to the place where we went the first time we were together and I was looking at the website thinking of what I would like to do there. I started making a list and realised I was going to do what we didn’t have time to do and what we planned because we always said we would go there again but never did. I feel I’d like to go but it started me crying again. It’s a case of will I go back or won’t I go back. I have a week to decide. I think sometimes I’m going forward and then I’m back where I started after I lost him. Maybe it’s good to make new memories I don’t know. I started writing my feelings down when I lost him maybe I should do that again. The sun has come up and it’s a new day so I’ll have a coffee and go for a walk to clear my head
It’s a lot to think about isn’t it.
I think we need to make new memories but sometimes the ones which are linked to precious joint past events are more difficult to endure. I’m only 5 months in and every day seems to get harder at the moment but it sounds like you are making progress, even if at times that moving forward takes you back to the beginning.
If you go and it’s too sad then you have learnt something and can use that to make decisions about other things in the future.
It’s so hard to make these choices when we have little control over our emotions and we don’t have our loved one with us to help.
Writing again might help and it’s good to hear you are going to get out for a walk. If nothing else the fact you are looking for solutions is progress in itself.
Don’t lose hope - there is light at the end of the tunnel I am sure for you. Xx