Cumulative Loss

Coping with bereavement
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Hello everyone,
I have just joined this site in the hope of finding others who can relate to my experience or be able to share openly how I am feeling as a method of coping.

So in the last 5 years I have experienced multiple losses and my life has changed drastically as a result. I have reduced my working hours, I take medication and believe I am now struggling with fibromyalgia because of this prolonged stress on my body. I am 27 and really hope that with the right work I will be able to get back to a more ‘normal’ life that I can enjoy.

A breakdown;
March 2015: My Grandpa passed away from cancer, I held his hand whilst he passed
I immediately struggled with work and university at this time and was offered very little to no support.
August 2015: I lost my job and my place at University (with one exam left before obtaining my degree)
October 2015: I lost contact with ALL of my school friends/largest group of friends leaving me with only one best friend to rely on
December 2015: My Gran was rushed to hospital suffering from a stroke and heart attack
May 2016: my then Fiance and I were doing a year abroad when I found him with another girl - I felt I could not confront this at the time as his Dad was visiting us
June 2016: My Gran passed away and I, naturally put my relationship issues to one side to do what I thought was ‘deal’ with the bereavement
October 2016: We return home from being abroad and the 5 year relationship and engagement ends quite abruptly
June 2017: My beloved pet dog passed away in my arms following a short illness
August 2017: My best friend of years told me she no longer wanted me in her life. She cut me out completely, so I have no way of contacting her or knowing if she’s ok anymore
June 2018: I lost my first pregnancy (with new partner)
November 2018: Quit my full time job - they were chasing me about sick absences and I knew it wasn’t going to end well
2019: I lost my mind for most of this year - challenges in my relationship, self-destructive drunken behaviour. Anger issues
December 2019: My Gran passed away suddenly and very unexpectedly. I was with her the day previous arranging when we would be watching a new movie. I feel so much guilt that I didn’t stay longer or do more

I would add that during this time period I was on Roaccutane (acne medication) twice - which is very harsh on the body mentally and physically.
I was struggling physically previous to all of this because of a car crash I was in in 2013.
I have seen 3 therapists myself and 1 relationship therapist.
I am employed as a carer and my old job was extremely difficult and stressful, especially dealing with complex needs and palliative care.

I need to start processing all of this so that I can move forward with my life.

Mel x

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Gosh Melissa, what a lot of stuff you’ve had going on. I am so sorry for your losses. I don’t really know what to say. That’s life! But that won’t help you. Sometimes life is crap and at other times life is beautiful. We must constantly remind ourselves that amid all the crap the world is still a beautiful and wonderful place. I’m replying to your post because I didn’t want you to think there was nobody here, ready to listen. I may not know much about your problems but I do know about grief Melissa, oh yes, I know about grief.
Perhaps it’s time to draw a line under all your other issues and make a new start. Start over. This is the new Melissa. You don’t mention parents - I hope they’re around and you can talk to them. Talking is good. It doesn’t have to be to a counsellor. Just talking on this forum can be very beneficial. Keep posting on here. Join in the conversations. I’m a big believer in writing my feelings down. Write a letter to those who have upset you, betrayed you. Don’t post the letter but just write it. You may find you feel some relief afterwards. I wish you well Melissa and I hope you can pick up the pieces and put your life back together again. Sending love and hugs xx

1 Like
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As always, Kate has given you her response to your post so read it carefully. She is wise. Keeping a journal can be helpful as it gives you a chance to see how you progress, and you do you know.
I know what Kate means about drawing a line under it all. It’s never good to live in the past, as so many older people do. But your life seems to have been one long trauma. You are 27 and your life lies ahead of you. The future is important. The past is gone. If you dwell on what has happened you will go on living in the past and give little thought to the future. A ‘breakdown’ can be converted to a ‘breakthrough’ There is a lot we can learn from a so called breakdown.
I was asked once when I went for counselling, ‘do you want to get over this or go through it?’. I said get over it!! Wrong answer. ‘Getting over it’ means you learn nothing and it can recur over and over. ‘Going through it’ is painful. very much so, but the experience is redemptive. ‘The dark cloud that breaks with Blessings on your head’. Feel the pain. Try not to look for ways out. Escaping is short term. Facing and accepting how you feel without fighting or struggling with ‘IT’ will pay off in the long term.
Take care. We all know and understand here.

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Great response John. Funny too! You made me chuckle saying I am wise :face_with_hand_over_mouth:. Thanks.
Melissa, once again, great words for you to digest. John makes perfect sense. I wish for you all good things but most of all love and happiness. Hugs. Xx