Dad died 3 days ago. Unexpectedly.

My dad passed unexpectedly 3 days ago, he was only in his mid 50s. He was an amazing dad. He was healthy and well so it has been the worst shock, I cannot and don’t want to believe it. I’m at home with my family and my only sibling is being horrible to me. I don’t know why, we have always had a good relationship. They do have a short fuse and have always had a difficult personality but that’s always been the case and I am used to it.

However, today I was sitting at the dinning table and out of the blue they told me how dad preferred them over me. How they were dad’s favourite and not me. Prior to this, they told me that they have not been thinking of me at all, just themselves, not even mum. The specific words used were “No, I have not thought of you or your feelings once”. Whenever they speak about dad to me they say “my dad”, it’s all about them. They have not once asked how I am. As they are my younger sibling, I have tried to be strong to make sure they’re okay. The total opposite to how they’re acting. These words have cut so deep, I am so angry. How can my sibling say that, I don’t understand. It’s making everything worse. How dare someone say that my dad dead preferred them let alone my only sibling saying that to me. For me, it’s the lowest of the low.

We had extended family over today and I noticed that they spoke how I was feeling for me. None of what they said was accurate and I had to correct them. It seems like they want to diminish my feelings. I can’t even believe I’m writing this, a sibling is supposed to be a biggest supporter, I don’t understand. It’s worse enough that dad has died and now my sibling 3 days in is acting like this towards me. I have only been supportive.

Any advice on how to deal with this type of behaviour whilst trying to accept what’s happened, would be greatly appreciated.


@Luna5 I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad, the shock of it being unexpected is enormous too, the whole world doesn’t make sense right now. I lost my Dad unexpectedly 2 weeks ago so know a little of what you are feeling.

I’m hugely sorry that amidst your grief you are also having to contend with fractious relationships and cruel comments from those you expected to rely on for support at this time. Do you have other people you can turn to for support, maybe friends or a partner or local community? Of course there is this community here online, do keep talking here.

Know that truly only you know what the reality of the relationship with your Dad was like and the opinion of others is just that: opinion, not fact. It sounds like your sibling is lashing out in anger and pain, it being directed at you and your relationship with your Dad is a real punch in the gut at this awful time. Could you ask them directly to stop saying those things because of the hurt and pain it is causing you? It sounds like you are being incredibly patient with them but you are allowed to prioritise you and your own grief and feelings.

Do keep talking here, there’s so much kindness and while all our grief is as unique, we do all have an understanding of the pain of losing someone we love and we’re all here to support each other.


Im so sorry you’re having to deal with this during a horrible time. I lost my dad nearly 4 months ago and my older brother was no where to be seen during Dads illness. He stuck his head in the sand and was no support to us or Dad. He drank and visited Dad only twice (drunk) during his last 3 weeks alive (in the hospital, then hospice). My brother has always been self centered but I thought dads death would change him slightly…it changed nothing. He did things during the funeral and wake that I will never forget or forgive him for.

I decided that, even though my mum desperately wants us to “get on”, my boundaries are more important. I’ve had to put my foot down and create a safe distance. My brother can be very horrible with his words and he’s caused us no end of issues since dad’s passing (and ofcourse several before then). I speak to him when I have to, and if he’s being nice rarely I acknowledge that and return the favour, but an elephant never forgets.

Your sibling may just be too stressed through their grief to understand the hurt they are causing you, so be patient, but don’t let anyone walk all over you, especially at a time like this. People often show their true colours when sh!t hits the fan. Good luck.