Dad died before his time unexpectedly

I’m a nurse, I deal with death on a daily basis. I’m able to rationalise this to families who’s loved ones have passed in a way that can help them try to make sense of it all….
This sense of being rational goes out of the window I’ve learnt, when it’s your own family member
My dad was diagnosed with emphysema in November 22. Since then he’s caught pneumonia after pneumonia and his lungs could not take anymore. His infection cleared recently and the consultant informed us he would have weeks-months left: this was 2 weeks ago. He was 62 and had to spend the following days in hospital contemplating his own death and how to keep his family safe and prepares for what was to happen. Arrangements were put in place for him to come home with palliative/ end of life care and he was hopeful re this.
A week ago I was texting him at 6.30pm to say I was tired and would go visit him the following day. He replied saying all was well and he would see me soon. The conversation as always ended with “I love you” and that was that. No concerns at all from hospital staff as he was functioning and stable as he could be. Within the space of 2 hours he was dead. Deteriorated at the drop of a hat. When asked if they could bring family in my dad said no and he passed before any of us got there
We know he said no to protect us as much as he could and we respect that. Seeing his warm shell of a body is an image I cannot shake and I keep replaying the events of that in my head.
I regret not going to see him that night. I know this would not have stopped him passing but I’ll forever be haunted by me saying I was too tired to see him.
The emotions are coming and going in waves. One minute I’m feeling guilty because I haven’t cried for 12-24 hours then in the next breath I’m inconsolable. I’m told it gets easier but it’s hard to envisage when that will be:
Everyone thinks because I am a nurse I should be better at handling death than the rest of my family. When I’m fact I’m searching for the facts of that night… dementing myself with was he distressed, was he given appropriate medications to sedate and calm him, second guessing what he must have been thinking at the time … was he scared, did he know his body was shutting down. Urgh
I’m relieved I’ve been able to write this down as we try to hold off from projecting to others grieving don’t we


Aww I feel your pain so much.My mam passed Dec 30th and we had her funeral this week so it’s all so raw with me.I have lots of guilt about phoning 999and her going into hosp.If I had not phoned maybe just maybe everything would have been ok with just giving her a laxative.She had a blockage in her small intestine and they wouldn’t operate due to her age of 89 I was devastated and still am.So I just wanted you to know you are no
t alone with feeling guilty bec it will remain with me for the rest of my life.
Keep posting on here.People here really care and will support you.It has been a godsend for me as I have had some very dark days.
Sending big hugs
Deborah x