My dad died in August, it was the second time he was in hospital in 2024, before that he had had various falls, apart from having heart failure and being in Palliative Care.
I told dad to please be careful because every time he ended up in hospital I died a little. In Jan 24 he fell down hit his head hard and fractured his hip, it was so avoidable but he was always stubborn and wanting to be independent, if only he had not tried to put on his jacket whilst he was standing up.
During his stay doctors didn’t think he would make it but he surprised us all. He lost a huge amount of weight and in May he finally went home to my mum (who has advanced Alzheimers).
I wish I had spent more time talking with him then, instead I was managing the carers, keeping things clean, trying to tell him to use the incontinence pads and not keep trying to use the bottle, because he kept making a mess - my poor dad lost his dignity using pads. He was a highly intelligent man, just his body was riddled with arthritis and his heart was failing. I feel as his last few weeks were just me telling him off and not telling him how much I love him and making things easy for him.
In August he caught aspirational pneumonia and went back into hospital - they put him on EOL and he died after 3 weeks.
I feel terrible because I was impatient and angry, I wasn’t sleeping at night, trying to work, look after my family and my mum. I wish I had been a lot kinder. I wish I had kept telling him how important and how much I loved him. At one point he said ‘you must be so tired of this’ and instead of saying of course not I adore you, I just said ‘No dad’.
I feel so very guilty because I was exhausted, not only that but I went away, I left a rota of family and friends to be with him at all times and sleep there, but I couldn’t relax so got back after 2 days. I shouldn’t have gone away, I missed his last days. I spoke to him via video, but when I came back he had his eyes open but he wasn’t there, I spent all night talking to him, even though I don’t think he could hear. The next day a nurse came and was surprised to see me back, I said I had left my children behind with a friend and 5 minutes later dad died.
Dad was my best friend, there’s no one apart from my children that I loved as much as him and I was his best friend. I was lucky because I had him until my 50s so I should be grateful but I am not. I don’t want him to be alive again because he was suffering so much but the pain of not having him is incredible.
I can’t describe this constant ache and it seems as if happiness has left me. I became a grandma for the first time - something I have longed for for years and it does make me happy but not to the extent that I use to be when I had my dear dad. I miss him so much and want this ache to go.
