I’m struggling a bit today… I lost my mum on 03/11 from lung cancer (had only had a recent diagnosis). There was no funeral… mum hadn’t wanted one and I think dad was keen to save money (money is not an issue). Mum said I could turn her into a diamond. Dad made it seem like I just wanted a flashy trophy - which was not the point. So I have said I am happy to have the ashes and arrange this myself when I can afford it (money is an issue).
The real thing that is upsetting me, though, is that I went to see dad this weekend and he started talking to me about which dating apps he should use. I must have looked at him in horror and about the only thing I could say was ‘mum has not even been dead a month’. They were married almost 50 years. He’s just been focussed on getting rid of every trace of her from the house and he keeps making these little negative comments to me about her.
Mum loved me unconditionally - I know she did - but I have always been a disappointment to him and am just feeling this acutely at the moment.
He was in the hospital briefly after she died with an operation that went a bit iffy. He is fine now… but there was a brief period where a) I thought I might lose him too but b) there seemed to be bridges maybe forming.
I’m so angry he mentioned dating sites and that he can just pack mum away and make these little diggy comments. During her last weeks she was so focussed on donating her collector’s teddies for charity auctions and making sure the right charities got the right stuff, because she knew he would just clear it all. It’s horrible.
I told my mum everything and she was always the one I went to when I felt sad or needed to vent. I feel impossibly alone. If I tried to communicate any of this to him I would be shot down straight away, so there is no point.
I just don’t get how cold and practical he is.
When does this all start getting easier?