My dear Mum has been battling with stomach cancer for almost 8 months now.
She’s been so brave but she really is deteriorating and is starting to slip away. Her palliative care nurse can see how rapidly she’s gone down hill and is referring her to the local hospice next week or respite care and symptom control.
Mum’s fine with this - she accepts that she is dying and is not fearful but the problem is my Dad.
He really can’t grasp the fact that she’s dying - he thinks that she’s going to carry on for a good while yet.
He really isn’t happy with her going into the hospice - he’s cared for her since her diagnosis and sees her admission there as everyone taking her away from him. He genuinely can’t see what care a hospice could give that he can’t. I’ve tried explaining that when the end comes Mum will need more medical care - something that we can’t provide.
He’s reluctantly gone along with Mum going to the hospice for respite/symptom control and we’re hoping that once he sees what an amazing place it is he’ll be happier for her to go there for end of life care.
What makes it even more difficult is that he is totally deaf,(hearing aids don’t help and he doesn’t lip read or use sign language) so having a meaningful discussion is almost impossible.
It really is a heart-wrenching situation - I feel for my Dad but think that Mum’s needs and wishes should take priority.
Could anyone offer any advice, please?
Thank you!
My advice is this (i cared for my wife for 8 years )id definitely say yes your mum is prority.Bottom line if she didnt need extra care it wouldnt be offered.I write your dad a letter and spell it out to him .Ihope ive helped dont mean to offend Colin
Hi Greygal.
Can you talk to your mum’s palliative care nurse about your dad’s denial and stress how much it will be affecting your mum? If, as I suspect you have talked to the nurse already, can you try again. I wish I could think of more to help. Email the Community Manager and see what she can suggest. Is your dad at all religious, can you get a minister to help - it doesn’t matter if you are not churchgoers.
I speak with hindsight because I was in denial with Helen, my wife, right up until the last moments. I feel for your dad as I do for your mum. It sounds as if you are trying to hold everything together, so take care of yourself whilst you are taking care of your mum and your dad, Alan.