I feel absolutely lost and confused. We just spent Christmas with my Dad and although he had dementia…he knew us and everyone. His dementia had only affected his cognitive skills. He was alert and full of fun.
On Jan 18th his carers messaged me to say he wasn’t well ….being slightly sick …had a temperature and no urine output. I contacted his GP and he prescribed antibiotics as the carers thought he had a urine infection. The GP issued them straight away and the carers gave him the first one ASAP.
I asked the carers if they thought he should be in hospital on an IV drip for fluids and antibiotics….this has happened o previous occasions. They said they would monitor him.
That evening they went and put him to bed and asked if he would be okay…he said ‘ I don’t think so’. That absolutely killed me. I live a couple hours drive away. I wish I’d insisted on them calling an ambulance.
On Jan 19th the Carer went round to get him up. Still no urine output and he sounded chesty. So they got him up and left him in his reclining chair….as it would be better than lying flat …called his GP who arranged for a district nurse to visit. I was on standby to go up but I was expecting the nurse to say he should go to hospital. So I was waiting to hear where he would be.
The next call I got was to say my Dad had been found on the living room floor dead and had probably died not long after the morning Carer had left.
The thoughts going through my mind are tormenting me. His mobility was poor …he couldn’t stand unaided . So he must have been in pain to stand and then fall. I also think he must have had sepsis and died of a terrible infection…alone and possibly afraid.
The coroner called me and I instantly said I don’t want him to go through anymore and be cut up etc…but now I think I was wrong….should his carers have known, should I have suspected sepsis….should I have insisted on calling 999. Most of all I feel awful he was alone and found on the floor.
I know it’s early days but I feel totally bereft
you poor dear thing. I am so sorry. my mother has similar causes of death. I am SO sorry.
you know these deaths, are not fun. they are not all simply falling asleep and the heart stops.
they can be a cluster of bad things happening as the body fails. it often is no one’s fault.
if you were a loving caring child, then please do not feel guilt as they would not want you to.
death is not always an easy episode. he would not want to make your loss worse on you.
Oh bless you Daddysgirl. I am so so sorry to read of the loss of your lovely Dad. You have come to right place, there are so many of us on here and we are all here for you.
I can totally understand that you feel tormented and are probably making up so many scenarios in your head all the time as to what happened.
I lost my Mum in November 2021 to secondary breast cancer which ate away at her bones. Lots happened but long story short, in the October she had fallen over at home and broken her leg (with bone cancer is so easily done) and she had to have emergency surgery. Her condition was extremely fragile before and after the operation. She never gained mobility after the op, she also suffered with post-op delirium. Fast forward to November and she ended up being rushed into hospital by ambulance two days before she passed because she was in extreme pain and literally screaming, it still haunts me. She too had no mobility and was incontinent at that point.
They dropped her back home the same day by ambulance with no explanation as to why she was in pain. A doctor didn’t call me, I was waiting on a call from someone. I couldn’t understand why she looked worse than she did before I called 999. There was no explanation to me of what was causing her pain. I didn’t know what to do or who to call. I mean who do you turn to when 999 have dropped her back home?
Her condition deteriorated and she passed away in a lot pain and suffering two days later. I too wonder if she had sepsis or a blood clot. Should I have pushed for an autopsy? But just like you, I couldn’t endure the thought of her being pulled around and opened up again. I tortured myself so much in the days and weeks after she passed but three months on, those awful agonising feelings have faded and the awful images that play around in my head have been replaced by happier times. I still do wonder and torture myself from time to time but I just wanted you to know that it is still extremely early days for you and will feel so raw.
What happened happened and the decisions you made were right at the time, you must know that. It’s so easy to look back now with hindsight but also, you were relying on the thoughts and decisions of the medical professionals, including the carers and you were waiting on a call, the call which was the decision at to what to do by one of the medical professionals which never came. You did nothing wrong and I am sure you know deep down that he would hate you doing this to yourself. My words will be cold comfort to you now I know but I just want you to know that I so know the films that just randomly pop into your head, those images are so debilitating.
Sending you compassionate thoughts and hugs. Always here if you want to chat, we are all feeling your pain x
Am so sorry to hear about your dad. My mum passed away july last year. Her health had been deteriorating the last couple of months, but went to see her the day before and she looked really well. I got a call the next day to say , mum had been found laying on the floor next to her bed in the morning and they had put her on end of life. I feel guilty every day, keep thinking, maybe if she hadn’t been in the nursing home, maybe if I,d quit my job and moved her in with me, maybe she might still be here. Keep thinking about her laying on that bedroom floor, and blaming myself. I thought by now things might get a little easier but they don’t. When on my own, I often still burst into tears. I know mum wouldn’t want me to feel like this, but can’t help it… I miss her so much
Daddysgirl gosh that is so difficult am sorry you have gone through all that. I can’t really offer any advice, it does sound like possible Sepsis symptoms but I’m no expert. Did he have a Catheter? Sounds like they did call the doctor but sadly the nurse he arranged to visit didn’t make it in time? I do know Sepsis can happen extremely quickly and symptoms can be missed at first. Perhaps the GP should’ve visited or sent a nurse on the 18th, you called them and told them the symptoms-what else could you do?
I am in the US. from what I hear, the NHS is under attack. with growing populations and Covid, now is not the time to cut back on care, which I believe these nations are doing. I feel life is less valued than it was say in the 1970s when I was a kid. I do not recall this level of incompetence as does surround me, now.
I do not feel any of this is our fault. I feel we are caught unaware. I helped an ex with his mom and warned him the nasty treatment they might receive at the hospital. he brushed me off. turned out I was right … they told him just let her die and she lived another year or two.
Please recognize the big (awful) picture we are working under …
Yes he had a catheter after having a stroke four years ago. I’m sure he had sepsis as he had UTI’s before and I just think this spread so quickly. I went to his apartment for he first one today…it was awful but I’m glad the first visit is over with. It was tough going in and seeing where he was found on the floor.
So sorry to hear about your Mum. Isn’t it just awful. I totally know how you feel but like others have said….would our Mum and Dad want us to feel guilt? Some days I’m okay …others are tough…really tough. I can’t quite believe he’s gone. Went to his apartment today for the first time……it was every bit as bad as I thought it would be…but I’m glad it’s done. Take care and message me whenever x
Oh gosh Sal46
I read your story and immediately felt your pain also. How totally awful for you and your dear Mum. I’m so glad you shared your story with me, thank you.
I felt I was going crazy and that I was the only one and absolutely full of guilt . You made me feel so much better in a nice way. Thank you x
Ah yeh of course that would be so tough, hope it gets easier in time to go there. I know it’s not the same without our loved one. I suppose his dementia was too bad that he couldn’t call emergency services himself? Sepsis is life threatening and often very hard to recover from so I think if it had been caught earlier and he’d survived he might’ve had a really hard time of it trying to recover in hospital for weeks/months-not that it’s any comfort to you but he was at home and it was quick. Unfortunately for all the stories of people sitting by their loved ones bedside, there are probably just as many who didn’t get there in time. It’s incredibly sad and makes us feel guilty but death is really unpredictable and we can’t blame ourselves if we didn’t manage to be there at the time.
I do hope you’re feeling a bit better Daddysgirl. It’s such a rollercoaster of emotions. Nothing misses our scrutiny when a loved one dies. Every conversation is amplified and literally everything goes under the microscope. Jasmine is right, you can’t help it but it’s all part of this awful journey we are now on without them.
I’m not so sad I couldn’t get there … I suppose just that he was alone. They reckon he died not long after the carer left from her morning visit. That’s the part I hate… that and he was on the floor, alone, especially when he couldn’t stand unaided. That makes me feel sad.
I totally understand. My Dad died suddenly of a heart attack. He was alone and found on the floor. It haunted me for years that he died alone. His cleaner found him. Dad and I had had an argument too. A silly, stupid one over nothing but I stormed out and hadn’t gone round for a few weeks. I never saw him before he died.
I last saw my dad at Xmas so it was 3 weeks since I saw him. Just knowing how poor his mobility was …to be found on the floor from a reclined chair upsets me.
I will always wonder why he was on the floor,
People have small rows all the time so don’t feel bad. We too had little spats over nothing ——that’s life but they knew we love them.
I don’t know were to start really I lost my dad on 29 th of January 2022 . He had been very ill for sometime he was a very proud man he never once complained about how I’ll he was my dad just got on with it ,I just wish that we knew last Christmas was to be dad’s last , he had so many things wrong with him he was suffering so much pain and I felt helpless that I couldn’t take that pain away it was heartbreaking to see him this way . My dad had heart failure and had a pacemaker for four years they then began to do further tests on him as the last three years his health had began to decline the results came back and the prognosis wasn’t good he had a very rare condition which affected all the organs in his body ,they wanted to send my dad to a hospital in London for appointments but by the time this appointment came through my dad was taken into hospital early hours on the 20 th of January the hospital said he had sepsis he was put on icu late Friday afternoon we rushed to the hospital preparing ourselves for the worst but the antibiotics seemed to work he was moved to the respiratory ward the next day as he had turned a corner . We saw my dad not until the following Thursday as he was not classed as critical but that Thursday I knew he wasn’t right and I was preparing myself for the worst myself my sister mum and aunt were with my dad at one point we went home as it was really late at 11.50 the health care assistant called to say she had been sat with my dad for over half an hour he was saying he was scared I feared this would happen so we all came back and sat with him till 2.50 am I drove everyone home and went to bed only having three hours sleep I went into work then when I finished my shift I came home had tea with my family and went straight to the hospital with my mum and sister . My auntie knew that my dad was near to the end and told my sister that she shouldn’t be on her own tonight so I stayed in the hospital all night with her and my dad . As time went on I could tell dad was declining I asked the nurse caring for him so you think I should phone my mum he said yes the nurse told me dad was close to it but he couldn’t say when it ould happen as no one has a crystal ball, so we phones mum my auntie brought her back and we all stayed the night with my dad . The next day I took my mum home my sister stayed with my dad mum stayed at home and said for me to go back and stay with my sister till six and my mum and aunt would take over for the night shift . When I arrived at the hospital dad was talking to my sister she left and said my brother in law would be up to sit with me , during this time my dad said his leg was hurting so much I asked the nurses for pain relief he was already on morphine so they topped it up with in that time dad kept drifiting in and out until his eyes were closed he never reopened them again at this point the doctor came in and said that she was going to increase his morphine it just didn’t click with me that this it . My brother in law came in and he sat with me from 11 dad’s breathing became very fast I knew something was wrong then at about 1. 20 he was making those sounds that made me realise he was slipping away from me and there was nothing I could do my dad took his last breath and passed away at 1.40 pm 29 th of Jan 2022. I begged him to wake up and open his eyes it just happened so suddenly . The day he died it was a bit stormy ,then the sun came out dad slipped peacefully away and all I felt was the guilt of me being the one there when he left this world . I keep thinking he is going to walk through the door any minute and the realisation hits me I would give anything to have him back even for just one day . I took on my mum’s sisters grief trying to be strong fighting back the tears bottling it all up then when I was on my own I would sit there and cry . When I go to his grave I still can’t picture him I’m there I think he is somewhere else . The day of the funeral 18 th of February we had storm unice I will never forget it the during the storm in the church the sun beam shone through the stained glass window and shone on dad’s coffin I felt that it was god or one of his angels had come for my dad . I’m so heartbroken I just don’t how to feel anymore I just feel numb and I have this sinking feeling that will never ever go away I keep seeing him lying peacefully there in the hospital not moving there is so muchore I want to say but I think I have bored you all enough of it . Life will never be the same again
oh it was not at all boring! I read carefully because I know this drama … I have been through it, too.
my deepest sympathies. it is SO hard. I am still on this board five years later.
it is so hard and I am so sorry. it is a nightmare, I know.
you poor poor thing.
Thankyou Berit I just feel so numb even five weeks after just feel as though I can’t motivate myself I’m short with everyone I feel for the kids I end up bursting into tears after I have shouted at them it’s the guilt creeping in
I’m so sorry to read about your lovely Dad. Wow, you’ve all been through one heck of a rollercoaster ride. My heart goes out to you.
There’s no straight line with this and everything you have felt and are feeling now are completely normal. You must stop torturing yourself and feeling bad for showing your emotions, even if that is anger. It is all still so raw for you.
I lost my beautiful Mum four months ago today and whilst the rawness of my loss has eased, everything else hasn’t. We don’t get better or move on, we sadly get used to them not being here because we have to. You just feel so damn sad all the time. Even if I laugh I still feel sad. As we age we are expected to deal with this but there’s nothing in life that prepares us for the loss of our parents, at any age.
Go easy on yourself tillymint77 and ensure you take some moments just for you and let that rollercoaster take you wherever it wants.
Sending compassionate hugs to you x
Thankyou so much for your kind words Sal46 I feel my husband doesn’t understand how I feel he thinks that’s it your dad’s gone move on but it’s not as simple as that I wish it was but it never will be I have two that have difficulties even that’s a struggle at times I feel as though the life has been drained out of me xx
men are trained to not listen to feelings … it gets in the way of breadwinning.
do not honor his feelings because he is wrong, I am sorry to say. I had a friend whose husband was mad and wanted her to move on, as they say.
it is unfeeling and unkind. every one has a right to their grief and when you had good parents, it is hard and lasts a long time. if you need support, fight for yourself and go to support grief classes.
never let even a spouse decide how you will feel.