Dad on end of life care

My father is currently in a nursing home on end of life care. He is 89. Drs believe his prostate cancer (diagnosed 2007) has now spread to his ribs. He has loved with us for the last 3 years and I have been his carer. He went downhill suddenly at the beginning of August. I tried to keep him at home with carers but his needs became too great and after much arguing with him he agreed to go into nursing home. He is now very thin and frail and when I speak to him he keeps crying that he hates it in there and wants to come home. I can no longer keep him safe at home…I have been visiting regularly but home has gone into lockdown for two weeks due to Covid. I spoke to them yesterday and have been given special dispensation to go and visit today as his mental state is terrible. Much as I love my dad I am dreading seeing him in such a state. Do others have any advice?

Hello Diddles, so sorry to read this, my dear dad became very frail, he was terminally ill with renal and heart failure, it is very difficult seeing them like that, my only advice is to just listen as much as you can, even if you disagree with something he says, just listen and make sure he doesn’t feel he is being ignored, if he says he wants to come home, just agree that you know why he wants to and tell him you wish he was home too, and please be kind to yourself, you are doing all you can to help him, and it isn’t your fault that he is unhappy there, I really hope it goes ok for you today, it must be a very stressful day for you, we are here whenever you need us.

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Hi, I was in a similar position as you, my dad was 90 and had prostate cancer & end of life, he too wanted to be at home but as a family we felt he needed medically trained people on tap 24 hours a day too make sure he was comfortable and administer any medications needed quickly, i couldn’t bear the thought of him suffering in pain at home for a long time while we waited for the district nurse etc…also what if he fell out of the bed etc…

In the end I said to Dad that we loved him so much that we needed him to be cared for in the best way and being at home wasn’t the best for him, we made the decision we did out of love & when we visit it could be personal quality time, he understood our decision was out of love & he was ok then.

It’s difficult as you think you wouldn’t put your parent in a nursing home but it’s not a clear cut decision when your faced with a very ill loved one, we want the best for them & our decision was hard but for the best reasons.

I struggled with the decision when dad was gone but time has made me look back & I know we did the right thing.

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