dad

Looking to the future
#1

My dad passed away in sue ryder hospice on the 1st December 2015. Even though he had been ill and in hospital before coming home and then ending up in the hospice less than a week later, I honestly thought he would be OK. My Dad had always pulled through and this time his body just couldn’t cope anymore.
Some days it just hits me that he has gone, I can’t speak to him, the feeling in my stomach hurts so badly.
I feel like I can’t get upset in front of husband or friends as I should be finding it easier by now. I know that they would all be there for me but I just can’t do it.

Im sad and angry that he left. That the doctors didn’t do more for him. Sue ryder were amazing with us all, and I know nothing more could have been done for him, but it’s just not right.
Not even sure if what I’m writing is making sense I just needed to write it down somewhere.
I want to run away and be on my own for a few nights, just to be on my own and not have anyone else seeing how upset I am. X

#2

Hello Lisa, I am so sorry to read that your Dad died in December, and that you are missing him so much. I am glad that you have joined our Online Community, and for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. It seems as if you are still in shock following your bereavement, and are having difficulty accepting what has happened. Please don’t think that what you are going through at the moment is not normal - it’s a very short time really since your Dad’s death. You are bound to experience a range of strong emotions, including anger, so please don’t try and put on a brave face for your family all the time. I can understand that you feel like being on your own sometimes, to try and make sense of what has happened. I am thinking of you, and hope that you will find some comfort from this Community. Kind regards, Jackie

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#3

Hi Lisa I am so very sorry for your loss and the horrid pain you are feeling. I, too, lost my Dad in June 2015 and the aftermath was devastating. He had been unwell in hospital, sent home, re-admitted and told he was terminal. He died in the local Hospice five weeks later from pancreatic cancer and my life went on hold. I couldn’t believe he had left me as he had always been there, even now I wake up some days and for a moment think it has all been a nightmare. How you are feeling is perfectly natural and please, please don’t feel you can’t express your emotions. I could not stop crying at first and and felt extremely angry that more could not be done for him. I felt it was all a complete injustice. Please be patient with yourself, it is early days and you need to grieve. Don’t bottle it up it is good to talk and there is no right or wrong way to respond. Talking helps and people DO understand. Be kind to yourself and remember that people care and want to help you come to terms with what has happened. I shall be thinking of you and your family and I am always happy to chat if that helps. Take care xx

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#4

I completely understand - having lost my dad after a 25yr battle of heart problems. He died 3/7/14 so I’m a little further down the road but your post resonated with me tremendously. It’s very late now but I will message a more useful post tomorrow - just wanted you to know immediately that you are normal!!! X Andrea

#5

Hello Lisa,

I’m sorry about the loss of you dad, i can relate to a lot of the feelings you’ve described, not wanting others to see you upset and wanting to run away, I’ve experienced similar.it can get quiet suffocating.
I lost my mum in May last year and thought I was coping relatively well but have recently found grieving so much more painful.
Anyway I just wanted to say we are not alone in our feelings.

Take care
Julia

#6

I know exactly how you feel. Its so easy for everyone else to pull themselves together, but when you are that close its an impossible task.
I feel as though there is a massive hole in my life that just wont close up, in fact it seems to get bigger. I hope time does make it better for all of us.
Thinking of you X

#7

Hi Candy1960,

How are you feeling today? Your parents have indeed left a massive hole in your life and no one should expect you to just ‘pull yourself together’. Do you have supportive friends or family members you can talk to?

#8

At the moment life feels like it couldnt get worse. I think I am about to lose my job as well now. I work with my husband who was very kind and caring at first, but now seems to be the one pushing me over the edge. Hes normally very sweet, but because the company is in trouble, he seems to be taking it out on me.
I feel I am doing ok from day to day, but it only takes a small thing to upset me, and I feel I’m back where I started. I miss Dad and mum so much, sometimes I just wish I was with them. I would never do anything bad like kill myself because I have two really great kids and three beautiful grandchildren, but the loss is just so dreadful, I just dont want to get up most days. X

#9

Hi Candy,

Oh gosh, that sounds so tough. I’m sorry to hear about your job and that your husband is being unsupportive. You really need him to be there for you right now. Does he know how hard you are finding things?

It sounds as though you could really benefit from talking to someone about all of this. Please consider getting in touch with one of these services for a supportive chat:

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

#10

Thank you Priscilla, I have seen my doctor but she wanted to put me on anti-depresants and I really dont feel thats the answer.
Maybe I do need t talk to someone though, I will take your advice and give them a call x

#11

I hope it helps. You can post here any time if you find that it helps, too.

#12

Hi Candy,

I hope you don’t mind me jumping in.

Firstly I’m sorry for your loss and what you feel is “normal”.

Secondly I recommend talking to a professional. I was reluctant at first but it has been really useful to me. A safe space to get it all out.

Take care and be nice to yourself. Speak to yourself as you would do to someone in a similar place.

X

#13

Hi, thank you. I was talking to a pal of mine and I said to her I am surrounded by people and yet feel so alone? x

#14

I can understand that feeling. For me it’s not having people in the same situation.

The space where they once were leaves a gap and maybe that’s what you are feeling? That’s what I feel more than anything. I can’t pick up the phone to say hi. My Mum is getting lots of calls though!

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