Oh dad
I was at the doctors today and whilst in the waiting room i remembered the time when you were sat in the same seat,waiting for me,i turned up all hot n sweaty from rushing and i stayed with you for your appointment,how i wish that was the case today…then i walked home,and wished i was walking to yours,it felt like you were there and i could just go visit-like before. I woke up in the night,went to the loo half asleep,had a sudden thought ‘what if i get covid? Hows dad guna cope?’…these thoughts are what comes natural to me,and it still doesnt feel real 5 weeks on. I miss you more than i can ever,ever say.xx
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Hi @CR73 reading that post made my jaw drop, because I did almost the same thing today - went to the doctors and remembered the last time I’d been there, when my dad gave me a lift and waited in the car park for me, and we had a good chat when I came out - as always he was full of wisdom and good advice. It was only a few years ago but he was absolutely fine then, and now he’s gone. Thinking about that day, and the knowledge that his constant support and love is gone forever brought the tears on yet again. Im still thinking of him 24/7 and finding reminders of him in everything I do and everywhere I go, because we were very close. It’s torture. I feel resigned to living the rest of my life in pain and grief, continually looking back to the ‘good years’ when both my parents were here and their unconditional love and support felt like arms around me. 
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Hi jack3
Thanks for your comments,yes i can relate to your relationship to your dad,it sounds similar to mine,i was very close to both parents,my mom passed away in 2017,then i became my dads full time carer until 5 weeks ago. He always told me stories of his days on the canalside as a lock keepers son,and how he saved 3 lives from the canal,and he always had words of advice for me,amongst teaching me painting and decorating,gardening and freehand signwriting.
It probably sounds strange but i can even hear him when i breathe(it sounds the same),and in my words and mannerisms.
I completely relate to remembering back to past times/events and how it stays with you,a word of advice i had from a neighbour was to take the memories of the past with me into the future,holding their hands along the way.
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I do get it. It’s coming up to the end of the first year without my dad after losing him very quickly to cancer. From a fit vibrant man to someone I helped my mom nurse at home till the end. It seems surreal and I still can’t believe he’s gone. I live in Cornwall and my parental home is Cheltenham and everytime I visit mom I see the places I used to be with him. Even my walks on the Cornish beaches remind me of him and I cry. I want to return to Scotland but that’s where all our childhood holidays were as he used to march us up the mountains. I will return but I know it’s going to hurt as Scotland has him running through it. I still cry everyday as he was such a matriarch in our family but because he was such a strong ex army man I know he would have hated what age does to us all and I hold on to the fact that he would never have coped with being Ill or not be able to be active. But boy it hurts and I will miss him until the day I pass. I also try and think that we all have to go at some point, no one escapes that pain, and I’ve dealt with that episode now. I wish I knew how to manage the pain it brings. I read these posts and I feel for everyone who goes through a loss and I wish I could muster up some magic to help you all. It’s a pain we have to endure because we have loved. Without love there is no pain.
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