I have always lived apart from my family here in the Uk.- around 250 miles .The only difference is, i only ever saw my Dad twice maybe 3 times a year and spoke to him on the phone every few weeks.
My sister lived close by and became his Carer until 2019 when we almost lost him to Numonia. Each year since then we have almost lost him. Each time i have gone to be with him just in case it was his time.
December last year my sister took away my Dads mobile phone and took control of when i could speak to him. I last saw him in December and on a video call in March.
My sister has done every thing for Dad,looked after his finances,cared for him and visted him weekly.
Whereas I have done nothing but continue in the relationship i have had since leaving home 26 years ago.
Whilst on my 2nd day of my holiday in Spain my sister called to say his End of Life Care had begun. She wld keep me updated,but it cld be up to 3 weeks until he passed. He passed last Sunday whilst i was away.
I am totally devastated ,but also eaten up with guilt that i never changed my relationship behaviour. I did not visit or speak to him more.
That i did not insist that i shld be involved in his life more.
Dad always said 'As long as you’re happy ,i’m happy. It doesn’t matter where you are ’
There is to be no crematory service or graveside memorial whilst he is laid to rest with my Mum.
These are his wishes and we respect them.
I miss him so much ,but cannot see a way forward as i am eaten with guilt.
I promised him i would always be strong . But i know i have let him down.
My husband is no support , he shows no empathy, compassion.
I feel so alone
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.
Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
I am so sorry for your loss and the way you are feeling. I am sure your Dad meant it when he said he was happy if you were happy. All relationships are different and you mustn’t punish yourself because you feel your relationships weren’t the same as other peoples. There are no rules, just as there is no time scale for grief
I’m so sorry for your loss and the way things were
I can relate to the guilt. Me and my dad lived in different countries so only saw him once a year and talked to him once a month. He died 4 weeks ago in a car accident and i cannot stop feeling guilty for not talking to him more often despite us both being busy with our lives. But just like your dad, ha always said that he’s happy to see me living my life and proud of me too. Just try to remember he loved you very much
Losing a parent is one of the most traumatic experiences anyone has to go through. And while people may think parents will be with lose us forever it’s not true. I used to think that was blissfully ignorant that my mum would never leave me until the old proverbial brick came out the sky and hit me right on my head letting me know here comes grief in its torturous and cruellest form. All of a sudden your life changes in an instant then you realise you can lose a parent. I found a way to deal with it
I did a lot of blaming myself never forgiving myself for everything that losing my mum made me realise. I believe I could not forgive myself and that my mum had gone forever but I know now she hasn’t gone forever in fact she never really left. She’s in my heart by my side everyday I got my lovely memories it’s comforting. Just hold onto them
I completely agree. People live on in our thoughts and hearts. I am sure we all have guilt and regret and some points but we must not let it devour us.