Dad's funeral - any massages of support

Hello,

It’s dad’s funeral on Thursday. I feel so sad and nervous. I’ll be seeing him tomorrow at the chaple and I’m worried it will traumatise me further.

I’m looking for some words of comfort and support as I feel alone. I think i will crumble next week after it becomes real. I only lost my in Nov. A double whammy for me for loss.

Any words of advice welcome. Sending strength to everyone. Rob x

Rob, I hear your pain and anxiety, I am so very sorry, especially losing your beloved parents so close together.

Will you have someone with you to go to the Chapel of Rest and support you? You mention you are worried about the trauma of seeing him at rest, is there a part of you that also does want to see him? I wanted to reassure you that if it isn’t right for you to see him in the chapel then that’s okay. I chose not to do this myself. Whatever you decide is okay. Could you go in with a friend or supportive person and then if you find it unhelpful, it’s okay to leave, it doesn’t reflect on your love for your Dad.

I really relate to your nervousness and sadness about the funeral. I felt exactly the same. This is such a hard week for you as you will be thinking about the funeral constantly. Do you find you have any activity that gives you some distraction or some focus? I was sorting photos, a memory book, flowers for Dad’s funeral and although it was painful, it did give me a focus. It’ll be a hard day, but it’s also a day where everyone is focusing on your Dad, when the community of people that loved him will be there, to rally around and to support you. Do you think you will go on somewhere afterwards for a drink or something to eat? I found it helpful having a wake after my Dad’s funeral as it felt celebratory of his life. My Dad was still working and had a lot of people attend his funeral, I didn’t know them all so I tasked my husband to be mine and my Mum’s bodyguard and look out for anyone monopolising us and help us get away from someone. I found it comforting to know I had someone looking out for me and Mum.

I also found my Dad’s funeral a very fitting tribute to who he was, and though it was very painful, I am glad we created such a personal ceremony for him. You’re so brave coming on this forum and talking so openly about your feelings already, you may be surprised by the inner courage you find at the funeral. I was surprised by both the force of my grief and my inner strength. I nearly passed out when they brought Dad’s coffin in and howled with grief, but then a few minutes later I was able to deliver my eulogy to him. I still have no idea how I went from one extreme to the other. I tell you to illustrate how the body can surprise us with its strength.

Remember that the funeral is for closest family, and as his child that means you, so don’t worry about other people, focus on you and your relationship with your Dad and how you want to say goodbye. Everyone else attending is the support team for you.

I’ll be thinking of you on Thursday. Sending you so much love and solidarity :purple_heart:

1 Like

One more thing I found helpful: I was so anxious with my eulogy and the whole event that I sum up Dad perfectly, that the funeral and wake summed him up perfectly. But of course it’s impossible to sum up a life and all its intricacies in such a short amount of time. So I took comfort in considering my eulogy a sharing of some moments of mine and Dad’s relationship that those attending the funeral were privileged to hear, and the same with the photos and music for the funeral and wake. Sharing moments, not trying to sum up a whole life, and also reminding myself that the funeral is a ritual, not a true “ending”, because we’ll talk about our Dads forever more, we’ll remember them every day, this doesn’t have to sum up all of how we felt, it simply can’t achieve that, but hopefully the ritual can be a time to bring together a supportive community around us.

2 Likes

Thank you @magenta, your words mean a lot to me.

The day should be celebratory and reflects who he was. We have a bag piper to reflect his scottish side, and we’re wearing tartan for the day (I have a beautiful sash with Mum’s family tartan and my grandmothers tartan pin). We have a wake at the private members club where he was president so a few people should pop by. The eulogy was written by my brother and I and has some fun stories. We know we have the music right as we just had mum’s funeral and he wanted the same. I pulled out the photos for the slide show and have loads printed as well. So many happy memories together.

I have my four brothers and husband to support me. Funnily enough I married a man who is just like my dad - good and kind. For the chaple I have 1 brother coming and my husband.

I went to see mum and I hated seeing the discolouration of her mouth. They warned me and it was hard. I managed to go in as it was important to dad and we cried together. We placed photos, letters and a rose in her coffin. He asked to do the same for him and hence why will do this for him. It will be hard as he won’t be there to hug me afterwards. I was a daddy’s girl and we were really really close so I will honor him as he has asked. But I did have flash backs with mum.

There are carvings on his coffin just like for mum. I found touching the coffin comforting and will do the same today. Irt’s bright blue - his faviourite colour. We have carvings of a a greyhound, rose and robins to reflect his love of mum, love of dogs and love of birds. It sounds garish but they look lovely in real life.

I just miss him so much. I hope seeing him today will be better than seeing him dead on the floor.

The trauma of losing both parents so close is really hard. But at least they are together.

Thanks for reaching out. R x

1 Like

@RobBeat08 - I am so sorry of the loss of both your parents - my heart goes out to you.
My Dad passed away in November, after a very short illness and hospital stay. I wasn’t at all prepared, even though he was pretty old, as he was always so fit and healthy.
I was with him when he passed, along with other family members, and held his hand, played his favourite music. I never thought I could have done that but I didn’t want him to be alone. After he was moved to the funeral home my young adult daughter wanted to visit him. They were so close. As we couldn’t get a funeral date before Christmas, he was there about 5 weeks. She visited him at least half a dozen times, maybe more. She tried to get me to go into the chapel but I couldn’t face it. After a few weeks of her visiting, one day she asked again if I’d come in with her as she thought I’d always regret it if I didn’t. She showed me photos of the coffin, the inside of the chapel and the back of Dad’s head to prepare me a bit (I’d asked her to as I waited outside the chapel). Anyway, I plucked up the courage, asked her to keep the door open in case I needed to leave quickly and I went in. I was so pleased she persuaded me. If I’d never have believed in the spirit/soul of a person, I 100% do now. All of my Dad’s features were his but it totally wasn’t him. His soul had gone on. He looked so peaceful, not asleep as I’ve heard some people describe, but just not him. There was no personality. It was weird. I visited several times again, always with my daughter, and on the day before the funeral we took letters, flowers and photos, including a wedding photo of my Mum and Dad which my daughter placed inside his jacket next to his heart. That really helped me on the day of the funeral to remember how peaceful my Dad looked and surrounded by lovely tokens from us. I’m thankful my Dad hadn’t deteriorated in the time he was in the funeral home - they must have really taken care of him :heart:
I was dreading the day of the funeral but I can honestly say it was such a beautiful service and all his favourite music was played, there was a beautiful photo slide show, the tributes by my daughter and my brother were touching, funny too, and my Dad would have loved them and felt such pride at how many people came and also of everything kind they said about him. All completely true as well as he was such an amazing person who did so much for his community over the years.
I’m sending lots of hugs to you for going to see your Dad today and I hope it gives you some comfort and won’t be traumatic. I’m sure you’ll do your Dad proud at his service and the support from friends and family will get you through the day and beyond :heart:

1 Like

Hi Rob, how did today go? I have been thinking of you. It makes total sense as to why you wanted to go from all you describe. That said, if you found today that it was too difficult, I am sure your Dad who loved you so much would have understood. I’m glad you had support with you today, with your brother and your husband. I’m sure it was incredibly hard. I think you’re incredibly brave.

The coffin doesn’t sound garish at all. It sounds like a beautiful tribute to your Dad, the greyhound, rose and robins sound so pretty and appropriate to your Dad’s loves.

I know tomorrow is your Dad’s funeral. I’m sending you virtual hugs and support, I know we don’t know each other but losing our beloved Dads within a similar time frame creates a connection. The tartan sash sounds absolutely amazing, what a wonderful touch. And the wake sounds great, in such a place of personal significance for your Dad. I hope that you are able to find some comfort in the exchange of stories with people there.

Take good care, I’ll be thinking of you. xxx

1 Like

I lost my dad in September, I was asked to day something, I cried for the first time and shook and couldn’t walk, but that is okay, no one judges, i would say have a close friend to help you, i did. I never went to see my dad’s body, but ive seen a close friend and it wasnt easy. Just know there is love and support out there, and having lost my dad recently im happy to talk.

1 Like

I’m so sorry for the loss of your Dad. It sounds like you were so brave and it’s brilliant you had the support of your friend too.

1 Like

Thank you, this is why i messaged too though, it is so hard and we can be brave but hearing each other helps in so many ways

1 Like

It really does help. Friends are wonderful and I’m lucky to have them. But it can be hard to ask them to sit with your pain for long periods. But here we are all opting into talking about our losses and opening our ears to the experiences of others so we do not have to feel self conscious about expressing our true feelings here and that’s a gift.

Huge gift, i would never be able to speak openly anywhere else thank you all

1 Like