Dads funeral

I sadly lost my lovely dad on the 27th April, just 5 days after celebrating his birthday with him.
His funeral is taking place on the 25th of may exactly 4 weeks to the day it happenedS I feel this is such a long wait to something I genuinely don’t know how to do.
I’m now having nightmares of actually being at the funeral and I feel like it’s consuming me the thought of it.
I thought the day I had to go to see him in icu and say goodbyes was the hardest day of my life but knowing I have another equally as hard day still to come is really hard to deal with.
I keep wondering how I will ever get through the day and wondered if anyone has any advice on this?
Thank you x

Hi Bem

Jim sorry to read about your dad. I lost my mum to a sudden brain haemorrhage 23 months ago.
Laughing and joking with me in the morning and planning our holiday, dead the next day.
I dreaded the funeral so so much. I still dont know how I got through.

But whilst I find life very difficult without my mum, I never think about the funeral. You would think that you would, but you dont.

You will think about them, your memories, how much you miss them and how angry you are. But you wont think about the funeral.

You will get through it. Somehow the strength comes to get through. I wish you luck with it. My mums funeral was more than 3 weeks after she died. My friend who is Irish lost her dad and he was buried within a few days. I sometimes think that it would be better that way.

Will be thinking of you.

Cheryl

I’m so sorry to hear you went through a similar situation Cheryl it’s honestly so heartbreaking.
My dad was the same he woke up planning his morning and then it just happened. He went to hospital still talking and making jokes as he always did but never came out again and I just honestly can’t believe it. I had never felt so angry at the world in my life.
I’m sure once the funeral is done I will start to focus on all the other emotions but I just feel for some reason I need to go through that day to get be able to do so. I don’t know if I’m just over thinking it too much but I just dread it more then anything and hate having it over us for so long.
It’s always comforting to hear of others knowing the same feeling and knowing they got through it. We do it for our loved ones don’t we and that’s all I keep telling myself it’s all for my dad :blue_heart:

Hello Bem
I’m sorry to hear of your situation. Like you, I unexpectedly and suddenly lost my Dad. 8 weeks ago and I am struggling beyond belief.
I think you sound like I felt when contemplating the f word - I still can’t really say it.
I told myself we’d already had the worst day - the day we lost him. For me that was the absolute worst.
With regards to thd f - I forsaw an ambulance having to be called, me collapsing etc.
It was a terrible day but I got through it and didn’t end up in an ambulance. I did things to cushion myself though. I positioned myself behind a pillar in church so I couldn’t see. I apologised to my Dad but this enabled me to speak the words I wanted to say and to read a verse I wrote and that meant a lot to me.
You will get through it, it’s a terrible prospect just as every day is without our Dads but it will come and it will go. Terrible I know but I’m speaking as someone who feared thd day from being 12 years old.
Take care

Thank you so much for this reply.
I feel I have been doing the same and thinking how can I position myself too to not see it all but know I am still there for him, so I’m pleased I’m not the only one to be feeling this way: The thought is just too unbearable. I keep thinking should I call the doctor to see if there is anything they could give me to help but I know really there will be nothing to help in any possible way.
I have friends asking if I would like them to be there for me but I just feel it’s something I want to do on my own with my family, I’m not sure if this is the right thing but I really struggle to allow anyone to completely see my pain and I’m finding I’m only really completely opening up to my family and when having counselling with someone who doesn’t know me.

Dear Bem

The support of your friends will be important but only you know what will be best for you on the day. My husband’s funeral had covid restrictions so numbers were limited, however, our son’s friends turned up outside the Crem just to offer support and to let him know they were there for him. It was very touching and I, as his mam, got some comfort from the fact that they took the time to pay their respects and be there for him.

Take care.

I had my mum’s funeral just 16 days after she passed this year. For me the build up was the worst. Every day as it got nearer I had all these horrible thoughts, and the day before it peaked & I was a wreck. Then the day came & I just went onto autopilot. Maybe it was a form of self preservation? But the whole thing was a blur & I felt numb, like it wasn’t real. I vaguely remember feeling ‘be strong & proud as mum would have been’ so that’s what I did. I wore her clothes & jewellery. Due to restrictions it really was the half hour service to deal with then everyone went their own way. I came home, showered, put on my pjs, and lay on the sofa just staring at the tv. The day after it’s as if the world said ‘righto, all done, move on’ & everybody did. That’s when the next form of ‘loss’ hit because I was just lost.
Going through photos & listening to songs helped before & after the day.
It’s completely unpleasant, & whatever you feel like on the day is personal and okay. Everyone will understand. So many of us in this forum have been there. Just take it a minute at a time if you need. X

Hi Bem,

I am so sorry for your loss, which to sum it up in to one word seems mad. How can the word ‘loss’ even begin to describe the pain and anger and wave of emotions.

We lost my Dad suddenly at the young age of 64 just a few weeks ago. And the funeral was on the 18th May. We are farmers, and his wishes were to be buried at home. So those few weeks thankfully gave us all enough to do to stay busy getting things ready.

The day itself is horrible and very confusing. Because there will be moments where you feel like you are together and composed and able to let other people tell you how sorry they are and maybe even hear a few stories. But then if you are anything like me you will need propped up by your brother and unable to look at anything other than your feet.

My advice would be that you should have family and friends with you on the night before, of and then afterwards. The day after was really hard. Mum and I just needed to get out the house so desperately that we went to McDonalds drive through and then sat in the car and just people watched.

I feel slightly more at peace now he is home and buried in his favourite spot in the farm, and we will make it in to a nice garden with a big bench. Mum has been going there everyday, but I havent been able to bring myself to yet.

I think once the funeral is over you will be able to process this in a different way like I have been doing. But please just try to have things to do on the few days after, because its strange and quiet and horrible to suddenly not have ‘the day’ looming over you.

You will get through it, you will manage x

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Thank you so much for this advice. I’m feeling very strange today as the funeral is coming up on Tuesday and it’s been a day I’ve been wanting over for so long. I last said goodbye to him nearly 4 weeks ago but it just seems like such a long wait for this final goodbye. But now it’s coming closer I’ve realised that once we’ve had it what else will I focus on as that’s all I think about!
I am trying to organise doing something in his memory for charity and trying to focus on making memory books etc but I just have a feeling that after Tuesday this is all going to hit me once again and in a completely different way. X

Hi Bem,

Just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking about you today. You will get through it. It will be tough but you will manage I promise.

A memory book or charity donations in his honour sound like a great way to focus in a positive way.

Sending love x

Thank you so much this really means a lot.
It was a lovely send off for dad that he would have absolutely loved.
The service itself was a very tough moment and I felt pain through it I had never felt before but like you say we can and do get through it for them. I keep having this feeling that I let him down as I completely broke down and just held my head in my hands the whole time trying to block things out, but I’m hoping he was just proud that I was there.
Thank you again for your message. X

Hi Bem
I’m glad to hear that you got through the day - be proud of yourself.
I’m almost 11 weeks in on this and really struggling today with the fact that I’m never going to see Dad again, it’s so cruel.
I wish I could feel some hope.
Sorry to end on a pessimistic vibe, my outlook today is desperate but I was pleased to hear that you got through the day.
Take care

Please don’t apologise for saying how you feel, just know you are not alone. Since my final goodbye on Tuesday I feel that sense of never seeing him again has really consumed me and it’s a very scary feeling isn’t it as I keep thinking how I can continue feeling this way day in and day out. I just don’t know how people do this but I guess we have no choice and we do it for those we have loved x

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You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. And just because you looked down doesn’t mean you loved him any less, and those aren’t the memories that he’d want you to keep.

The funeral directors asked us (me Mum and brother) along with Dads siblings if we all wanted to hold a cord as the coffin was lowered. And I just couldn’t bear it, I was too scared to go anywhere near it. I had my eyes closed the whole time it was happening. I still have it in the back of my head that this isn’t really happening and helping the coffin lower was just too much.

Funerals are so awful anyway, but that feeling of ‘I should have done this’ because we feel like it’s the right thing to do to show we are honouring and loving the person is torturous. You just need to do what you can to get through it, and you did. X

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