Damn it!...

Damn it! The minute I think I’m doing ok something else crops up. I just came across a couple of lovely photo frames given to me as a gift and I thought I would put some new photos in them and then i realised that I would never have any new photos of my husband. As if that wasn’t enough, I just sat down after lunch browsing a Christmas catalogue and spotted something I could get for David and one again it hit me like a bolt that I won’t ever buy a present for him again. Damn it, damn it, damn it. On a downer now. Need a hug…

One hug on it’s way! These horrid happenings always seem to lurk around the corner and jump on us when we least expect them…I think we have to accept that we are not on a paved path but a rutted one which twists and turns and so we never go in a straight line. Perhaps one of your photos would look even better in a new frame? I can’t wave a wand but I am holding out my hand. X

Hi Crazy Kate,

It’s a poignant reminder on this horrid journey. It’s up and down and some days, hours, minutes better than others and others well…
I understand. I think to myself, dad would like this or he would like this to eat and his not there or I can’t wait to tell dad about the new Aldi or something.

Huge hug coming your way xx

Hi Kate
Here’s a big hug. Hope you can feel it.
It’s such an awful feeling. Tonight should have been our stay at a Heathrow hotel before our big holiday to Thailand tomorrow. We had chatted excitedly about the trip on the weekend before Carl died. I was thinking he’ll never go there again, never experience the feeling of planning and going on all our trips. And then I thought, how will I ever enjoy a holiday again, without Carl by my side? It’s so tragic and so final. So that was one of my sad moments and then I thought…hold on Libda, you must do it one day. Try and go to all the places we talked about. He will be with me in my heart always, and I’ll go for both of us. I’m going to try and remember that to give me hope for the future. Xxxx

Thanks everyone for your hugs. I’m sending one right back to you all. I went to work this afternoon so I was distracted somewhat, after such a crappy morning. Going out to work helps to keep me sane. I like the idea of putting one of my photos in a new frame, thanks for the suggestion Amelie’sgran.
I know what you mean about holidays LinF. I couldn’t bring myself to go away this year - I looked at holiday cottages but I just couldn’t muster up any enthusiasm. I did have a couple of weekends in a hotel - both were gifts bought for me and my husband - I didn’t want to go with anyone else so I went alone. As you say, my husband was with me in my heart.
Thanks for your understanding Sam12, you’re right it is a horrid journey.
What would I do without you all? I had a bit of a blip this morning. Thanks again. Much love xx

Crazy Kate . I have had a really bad grumpy day yesterday . I think it’s because it’s my eldest daughters birthday today . None of us feel like celebrating . Writing the birthday card with love from just mum instead of mum and dad was awful . Also this time last year we had a big joint 30/60 party for her and my husband and all the photos came up on Facebook yesterday as memories and even videos of me and Mark dancing together to Rod Stewart’s do you think I’m sexy . He was rubbish dancing but we were laughing and hugging each other . Just the thought of not doing stuff like that ever again is making me feel crazy . I think feeling angry is worse than feeling sad but I had both yesterday because I was crying loads in bed before I even got up in the morning . My poor dogs were both trying to comfort me and even walking them and playing ball with them later in the day and seeing my mum didn’t make any difference and now I can’t sleep either . I wasn’t too bad Sunday but yesterday and now I feel like I can’t even do this any more . I know we’ve got no choice but it’s so hard . I am not normally an irritable person but everything is getting me down and the thought of Xmas coming is a nightmare . At the moment I would like to cancel it …and the rest of my life . Hopefully it is just a bad blip . I hope so . I am blaming my grumpiness on the moon . I blame everything on the moon . It was a lunar eclipse or something when my husband had the cardiac arrest . I have always blamed the moon for bad stuff happening and misbehaviour ! My mind is all over the place at the moment . Hoping to feel better when I get up later and that I go back to sleep now after this rant . Apologies to everyone if I’ve upset anyone . Posting on here and hoping that people understand where I’m coming from realty does help . Big hugs Romy xxxxx

Hi Romy. I’ve had a terrible night too. Been tossing and turning - I’ve just got up to make a hot drink. Of course I understand where you’re coming from. It’s hell on earth. I’m sorry you’ve had a particularly bad day - all days are bad but some are more bad than others. It’s been just over 16 months now since I lost my darling husband and I find that I can now look at photos and videos and although tinged with sadness, I can smile, even laugh at the memories and that time will come for you too. We’ve gone away for Christmas for the past few years to a cottage in North Wales, take the dogs. I still went last year with our son and we’re going again this year. Last year I didn’t bother putting up the Christmas tree and don’t suppose I will this year either. I didn’t send a single Christmas card - couldn’t bear just writing my name. I hope people understood but if they didn’t well that’s just tough. Perhaps you could do something completely different for Christmas Romy. It’s difficult to cancel it altogether because of family. As for your theory on the moon, well I’m not sure about that but it helps to be angry at something! Damn it! I hope you get a little sleep. Big hugs xx



Hi Kate had a day out with my friend yesterday went for an Italian meal and I all thought was this is something that James and I did, i did enjoy my day but when I woke up this morning I got upset it’s certain things that set me off.
Take care
Christine x

Hi Christine
It was my eldest daughters birthday yesterday . Me and my other two daughters and their boyfriends and my mum had fish and chips and mushy peas and birthday cupcakes and Prosecco and presents for her and smiled and laughed and it went well under the circumstances but all the way through I was thinking of my husband and how much he loved family celebrations and how much I miss him . And now it’s another day without him . I feel like I am missing my comfort blanket …which was him . My head just cannot get itself around how I am going to keep going without him . I am doing stuff and getting through the days but sometimes it makes my feel physically sick and panicky that he’s totally out of my reach except for being in my head 24/7 . This is such a painful weird experience and it doesn’t matter how sad , irritable or angry I get bit doesn’t change a thing . I always like to do my best to come up with solutions to problems but this is experience has nearly beat me . We didn’t choose widowhood . It has been thrust upon us and to cope with it we need to be strong when we are feeling at our weakest and most vulnerable . Nightmare . Wishing you lots of strength and big hugs for another day . Onwards and upwards as my mum says …and she has been without my dad for 24 years . Other people can do it and so will we and we will make our men proud of us xxxxxx

Hi romy sometimes I push myself then it backfires just feel so lost and empty some days, I’m glad you had a nice day yesterday lots of hugs to you.
Christine x

I guess we just have to plod on . Sending big hugs back to you . Romy xxxxx

I’m glad you had a good day Christine. We have to take the rough with the smooth, day by day, hour by hour, even minute by minute. Big hug x

Hello Romy. I’m glad that you too had a good day yesterday. We must keep reminding ourselves that grief is not a problem to be solved so don’t be hard on yourself. You are doing your best. We’re all doing as well as we can and I have no doubt that our men are proud of us. My husband is at the front of my mind all the time and in everything I do. If I can’t have him in the flesh then I want him on my mind forever. I feel him hovering, he’s with me as I’m sure your husband is with you. Small comfort, I know, but it’s better than nothing. Big hug x


I’m hoping this link will work. It’s The Script singing ‘Arms Open’. If it doesn’t work, Google it. The words are to us from our husbands. Imagine your husband singing it to you - it’s what I do. Makes me cry but the words are perfect. In fact just listened to it again and damn it, I’m crying. Imagine your husband’s arms being open and you walking into them and then they close around you and wrap you up. Feel them around you. Feel them. Oh my goodness, it feels so good. I hope you can feel it too. Xx

Yes . It’s better than nothing xxxxx

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