My son Danny died overnight on Saturday.I had a phone call to say the support worker couldn’t wake him and this was at 9.15 am.I screamed and screamed as I drove to his house.He was lying half out of the bed dead.He looked horrific.He had epilepsy but it was quite well controlled.
There has been a new medicine added as one was taken away a few days previously.
His father died two years ago from alcoholism.Suddenly and alone on the
streets.
I want to die because for 29 years I tried to give Danny a normal life despite his autism,epilepsy and mild learning problems.
I failed him.I don’t know how to carry on anymore.
My mother and friend also died last year suddenly.
It’s too much.
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Hi @Benny ,
I’m so sorry to hear about your son. It sounds as though things are overwhelming for you managing multiple bereavements and you are feeling like it is all too much.
It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts when they are grieving. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful:
https://griefguide.sueryder.org/support/suicide
There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.
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If these thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
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Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
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Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text REMEDY to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
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You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline.
Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: sueryder.org/counselling.
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.
I also wanted to share some other sources of support that might help you right now.
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Child Bereavement UK support families with the loss of a child. They also support bereaved children. You can call their helpline on 0800 02 888 40.
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The Compassionate Friends support families who have lost a child of any age. You can call them on 0345 123 2304
You deserve care and support so please, @Benny , get in touch with one of these services.
Take care,
Alex
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I’m so sorry for you, I lost my son age 30 in May and am still in shock. Cannot believe it has happened. I’m sorry we are going through this. I have no words as there really are no words to help. It’s just awful.
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Hi Benny I lost my beloved son the sunshine of my life 7 months ago , the pain is indescribable, the disbelief, denial wanting them back so bad you can’t cope … life seems pointless he was my purpose and he had always lived with me , I cared for him so it’s a mega shock to us parents! And grief is a very lonely place , I’m pleased you have found Sue Ryder community , as we are all going through the same heartbreak for all different circumstances, the loss and pain is the same , I was told by a counsellor the disbelief, shock are normal after losing a child , the wanting to be with them , not wanting to be here anymore it is all what I have felt been through , please get support from your GP , plus all the links that have been given to you in a message , it’s very very early days for you and it’s the hardest part right now , take it hour by hour , there isn’t much that helps stop the tears let them flow or the pain , I still can’t accept my son isn’t coming home and I get panicked I have to go on without him.
After a few weeks I started doing things in the house and gardens that I didn’t have time to do , now I’m finding
Anything to keep my mind occupied it does help , it gets you through a few hours or a day , I hope you get results of why your son passed. Ad I know I would want to find out to have more understanding… do you have family around you , or friends ? keep messaging on here there is always someone who will listen , offer advice , just take time as it’s so recent for you … take care
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My pain is so raw.The disbelief and the thought I left him with carers who were supposed to keep him safe.He was my life and I see no future without him.
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Why does it happen.All his 29 years I fought to keep him safe.He was my reason for being and now I don’t have one.How do you make sense of the rawness and the shock and sense I betrayed him.
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I keep asking myself the same- why does this happen. I’m broken. I’m sorry we are both here going through this hell time. It’s so painful.
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I spend the days which seem so long crying,shouting,wanting to blame the carers anyone who should have been keeping him safe.I maybe should never have let him try to be independent(although with 24 hour care at his house),because I am sure I would have been able to save him.His epilepsy was quite well controlled although his medicine was tweaked the last two days.
All I see is that image of his dead body and it is destroying me.
My two daughters are rowing with me because they think I don’t love them.Its all about my darling Danny because my sadness is so so raw
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I’ve been the same with paramedics - hating on them for not being able to save my Son. I get everything you say.
Hoping your daughters will start to support you soon.
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Hi Benny, I understand your feelings , you definitely don’t betray him ! You as his parent did everything for him out of love !! My son was my reason for being , my brain cannot cope with the reality , even though my insides are in turmoil every minute of every day , and I get panicked and cry to see him again , I feel totally lost and empty , my days have no planning , nothing I do makes me happy , I’m waiting for him to come home like he’s been out for the day … I feel the disbelief will be there for a very long time , I have died inside , this life has broken me , and I can tell you feel the same , we are not meant to lose our children! I pray for my life back with him in it everyday , I cry everyday all of which is the grief and it has no time limit of when it gets easier , when we can smile again … I’m so sorry you are in so much pain , hugs
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Didn’t betray him* sorry
Today is numb day.I can’t feel anything.The tears won’t come,I am going through the motions as if it’s a normal day.It’s almost as if I am also dead.No reactions,no feelings,just that awful never ending image of Danny very dead.
My two daughters cannot comprehend me giving my whole life to Danny’s care,they resent me now.
My husband is dead,as is my Mum and Dad.Life is extremely painful and despite there being some sun there’s no warmth in it.
Why’s,how’s,when’s are all there.
Today no tears.No lights just the dreadful pit of the stomach dread.
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Oh my lovely , I feel the same way as you, my 35 year old daughter had additional needs , she was the light if my life, it’s only two weeks since her death. I am angry, so angry that cancer took her from me, no treatments so we didn’t even get a fair chance at fighting it. I’m keeping going simply because I have 3 other ( grown up) are struggling too. She loved at home and my house is just a shell, we have her funeral 9th July and I hope this will make it more real for me because currently I pretend she’s out with her carers
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Life can be cruel.Your daughter didn’t deserve any of that.
I can’t comprehend my son being dead.He should be phoning me about now as he usually did.
It’s been a horrific day today.I am planning his farewell and it’s breaking me.
Keep safe.
My son with special needs died on the 17th July 2023 aged 47 .He was with supported living. On the beginning April 2023 ,he complained of pains in his spine and hips. Twice they said muscular to rub deep heat on.On the 26th April the pain was so bad he could not get out of bed. Got him to hospital they said secondary bone cancer,they could not find primary, from the bone it went into bone marrow,he too did not have time for treatment he died on the 17th of July a day before they were going to start treatment on the masses on his hip and spine. Before April he had no symptoms, it was so Quick.He was on medication for years with epilepsy, the last blood test he had showed his liver function was elevated. Which does elevated when there is something wrong with the bones,he was booked to have another one on the day he went into hospital.
Hi Pest
Thank you for sharing your story, my daughter’s death sounds similar to your son’s, she was a very stoic and brave girl, all she wanted was to go out with friends, laugh and dance, she had complained of midriff pain a few times but due to her special needs there was no way I could get to root cause, I got her in for a heart scan ( she had heart failure when younger) that was ok, her transplanted kidney was fine. Then she started having period of sickness and diarrhoea, by the time she was diagnosed it had spread through her body and there was no treatment, to be fair it was a very rare cancer and even if it had been diagnosed earlier there would still not have been treatment, she’s left such a massive space, not fillable , I take it a day, sometimes an hour at a time, I torture myself by wondering if she was in more pain than she could explain , take care of yourself x
I do the same ,wondering about the medication he was on for 25 years for epilepsy.But it did let him go out and about,without having fits. They looked at his liver.prostrate which normally goes to bone,all ok. They think in the end they found a very small gastric ulcer 20mm three Quarter of an inch,not blocking any bile duct hench no symptoms.Very rare for it to travel straight to bone ,normally it goes to kidney or liver first but at point of going to hospital they were ok.But they did say they are seeing more of this now?
Hi Pest
The hardest bit is not having solid answers, hollies initial mass was in bile duct , then to her bowel, ovaries very large and rapid growths, she last responded to us on the Thursday , she was on a syringe driver for pain which meant she passed in her sleep with no pain on the following Monday , in some ways I’m relieved she didn’t go through chemo , all very hard to take on and we miss her ( she loved at home with us) so very much xxx I would recommend Sue Ryder videos on grief , they help me to make sense of the times I am overwhelmed by my grief xxc
He used to phone me even every morning from hospital get up you sleepy head. That morning he did not phone,I phoned him,he said bloody hell as he dropped the phone.He said he had been up all night with his arm hurting,I asked has he seen the doctor,he said no as the doctors were on strike.I guessed that the arm hurting meant it was his heart,so I said we are coming. I got down there as the nurse was give him pain killer. He died at 1.50 pm, the normal visiting hours were 2 to 8. We were there to hold his hands
It was my son Danny’s farewell yesterday.I shouldn’t have been saying goodbye to my 29 year old.I tried to make the service coloirful and full of hope but when I saw his casket arrive and I went to meet the car it became all too real.
I managed to get through the service but kept looking at Danny’s casket which I had decorated as he was so near to me and yet so so far away. Life is so so cruel.He is buried next to his father and I don’t know how to get through such trauma,shock and despair.
For 29 years I tried to keep him safe and give him a normal life but he died overnight 4 weeks ago and they don’t know why yet.
I am broken.
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