Today I came home to a dark and cold house (don’t call it home anymore). It feels soleless what was once a happy warm place now is a place I don’t what to be. I can’t afford to move since my husband died I’m trying to manage on next to nothing as my money was cut. All Jim things are around me I can’t bare to get rid of them even his money is still in his wallet. I thought yesterday what the hell am I going to do with the rest of my life without my dear Jim he was everything to me now I’m all alone apart from my two dogs. I can’t see much of a future I just about manage to live day to day. I managed to put a picture up yesterday using Jim’s drill he would have laughed but I did my best then burst into tears because he would have done a better job then me bet it falls off wall. I just can’t do anything right without him. Sit talking to him I know he can’t hear me but I feel better I’m sitting in his chair writing this with tears running down my face. This is the worse time of my life. Sorry I’m ranting on no one else to talk to
Dear Misprint
I know from last year that the period leading up to Christmas (for me at least) just heightened the anxiety and distress. This will be the second Christmas without my husband and its not getting any better although the crying is not constant most days.
I hung a picture - seven holes later in the wall and eventually got it to hang straight. Like you say our husband’s would have done this and now everything is down to us. I reached a point recently where I was not even drinking let alone eating as I could not stand having to wash the one cup. Made myself ill so slowing trying to build up the hydration levels and force myself to have cups of water every few hours.
I just hope that like last year after Christmas and new year celebrations have passed I can keep pressing on. Not the life that I want and not even a life if being honest but will continue on this journey if only for our kids and grandsons.
Thinking of all of us on this awful journey.
Thanks Sheila26 for replying not looking forward to Xmas not a lot of point no celebration in this house.
Dear Misprint
Last year I threw up the tree for our grandson and it was a mess. This year again could not be bothered so bought a little 2ft potted tree and it is sitting in the corner of our living room. Have hung some tinsel and put up some lights. But only again for the grandsons. There will be no celebration for me either, as you say there is no point. The cards have started to arrive all with cheery (inappropriate) comments from those who have no clue. I wish they would respect my wishes but they insist on doing what they want to do. The cards are wasted as they will go in the bin as last year. I would rather they just gave money to a charitable cause.
Sheila26 I know wot u mean I had a card addressed to both of us although they knew he had gone then texted to apologise saying they forgot it went in bin upset me for the day why don’t people think
Can totally relate. One of my husband;s friends sent a card last year - 16 weeks after he died - saying have a wonderful Christmas. It went in the bin after my meltdown had subsided.
On a more positive note a neighbour got a blank card and wrote a beautiful message of support. Showed someone had at least gave my position some thought.
At least people on here understand we are all going through hell and we will never be the same again
Take care everyone and keep talking it will help we are not alone xx
Omg! How can you forget that someone has passed away!
Dear misprint I know what you are going through. I stay away from home as much as possible. It’s heartbreaking when I come home with the dog and she looks for him where he would normally be. I have his phone and I still send messages to him. I can only hope that time does take the the rawness of all this away. I hope , like me you are taking some comfort from being amongst others in this on line community
Hi its so tough isn’t it I send my husband messages to isn’t it strange the way your mind plays.
I sometimes can’t in he is gone for good and can’t get my head around it. It’s so lonely but I shouldn’t bd as got lots family and friends but none of them are him. I’ve been on my own 4months and still can’t take it in he’s not coming back. It’s lonely at nights and can’t stay in all day so out most day time
I know what your saying I can’t bear to be at home so I go out most days just sit in a cafe or walk the streets anything rather than sit looking at four walls. I go up cemetery everyday to feel close to jim then I came in to a dark cold house and cry my eyes out when will this stop hurting
Are your husband wouldn’t want you to be sad and unhappy.
I am comfortable in evenings at home but through day got to be busy. Like I say life is so different we all have to deal with it best we can.
Nobody has any idea what it’s like until it happens to you. I hope you get some peace stay wrong xx😘
Hi
Your words so resonate with my actions. I stay away from home as much as possible as can’t bear being in the house during the day. I don’t mind the evenings though which is strange.
Ian passed away over 6 months ago now but I still message him every day, wishing him a good morning or good night. Everything is just how he left it.
I still can’t come to terms with what has happened and perhaps I never will.
Take care everyone
Julie x