I’ve fallen hard for a widower and while the feeling is mutual, he has a lot of fear around having any kind of deep relationship. He knows that it is ultimately what he wants but he’s not sure he feels ready and the strong feelings he’s having for me are scary. His loss was a few years ago and he’s seen a few people since but nothing serious - he says it’s not about guilt but about fear. I also understand grief as I have had a lot of loss too (a baby, both parents and although different kind of loss, I divorced a year ago), but I get that this is different. I don’t want to pressure him but I’m also sad for him if he allows his fear to get in the way of being able to feel joy and love again as he deserves. I feel like we could be very healing for each other but I know that takes a lot of vulnerability. I want to know how to be there for him while honouring his need for space as he’s finding it triggering even to see me at the moment. Neither of us expected to feel this much as we were both just looking for a bit of company to be honest.
I’m truly sorry for your previous losses. I too lost a baby at 18 hours old, have lost both parents and in laws, a niece and a nephew and have been divorced after my then wife had affairs. I actually think the divorce grief was more like that when my new wife died last year, than losing the baby relatives or parents. The affairs were a huge shock and it did feel very much like my heart and soul had been ripped out at that time.
I can understand your friend’s possible fears. After my first wife left me and our two young children, I was at a loss to know what the future held. About a year later, I asked a friend to come to a party with me, as company for that one time, and we fell madly in love. It was frightening for both of us I think as she had been divorced previously as well. Despite living very happily together, with her parents and our 4 children from the previous marriages, it was 4 years before we got married. We were together for almost 40 years until she died, with a very happy 35 year long marriage.
I suspect he will be fearful that his love for his wife might come in the way of his thoughts and feelings for you. I guess he will be afraid that you might see his love that he had/has for his late wife as ‘competition’ or that you may think he might compare the two of you.
I don’t know if you have talked with him about such fears, but I do think they will be very valid fears and that they need to be discussed very gently. There is no way that I would be able to enter into a new relationship, certainly at this point, but I think I would also worry in the ways I mention were that to happen to me in the future. So many little things are triggers of course. He might even be frightened of becoming a widower again in the future. The grief is dreadful.
I appreciate that this may not give you the answers you need yet, but I hope it does give you some food for thought. I truly wish you all the very best.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I am so sorry you have had to experience so much loss life can seem to be cruel sometimes…
Thank you for sharing your experience and suggesting maybe he’s afraid his love for her will get in the way. I will certainly consider that, although I get a sense it’s not so much about betraying her/me but more fear of opening up and being vulnerable maybe to loss again? He’s been ok to have more casual relationships and although he wants something more meaningful he doesn’t feel he’s in a place where he can be fair to himself or someone else because of his fear. I’m trying to honour his pace and space - it’s hard to try and figure it out while he’s not ready to share more detail, but I get that it’s a journey I can’t rush and if it’s meant to be and all that… I just want to know how best I can be present for him without pressure.
Thank you again and sending lots of love your way xxx
Hi. I do understand that he might be worrying about losing someone he cares so much about once more. That may be a major issue. Grief from the loss of a loved partner is just so difficult to get through, and for others to understand. Please - no offence meant there, especially as I do believe loss through divorce can be so like loss on death of a partner. As I said, I’ve been there and worn the T-shirt.
It will take time and I think you are so right to take things gently. You do have to be patient, despite your obvious love for him, and him for you! It’s a huge step! Be there for him, love, talk and care for him. I think you have something special between you so nurture it carefully.
Much love to you both. Feel free to share this with him too.
I have just been reading your posts from a couple of months ago, I too have experienced both divorce and now bereavement. I agree both are similar experiences, it was the feeling of being deceaved by my first wife that hurt so much it was as if the closest person in my life had died, but she was still there but no longer the same, and my mind took time to come to terms with the situation.I have now experienced the loss of my second wife who was loving and kind and never let me down once in 26 years I think this is even harder. Having said that after 8 months I have made new friends some are the same situation as me but it is rather unsettling because part of me wants more on and be shown affection again but the other part of me is wary of being hurt again.
Tony, I agree with all that, it’s a bit of a carbon copy for me. With exactly the same wants and concerns. I guess we can’t have one without the other. Take care.
life can seem to be cruel sometimes…
