Dating Sites

Can you find comfort in looking for a new partner on-line

My wife died on 9 March 2017 just over eight months ago. We had a supremely happy marriage for 45 years and I was devastated. So were my two sons and all or friends and family. I cried and cried for the first 3 months and but hated being alone and started in July to look at Singles sites - mainly at profiles of widows in a similar position to me. I feel very guilty about it especially because of the quality of our marriage. Is this wrong? Has anybody else done this so early. The upshot is that I have met someone. A lovely lady living quite nearby who has also suffered a bereavement. Hers was much earlier and she is impatient to find another partner while I am reluctant to tell my family until at least a year has gone by. We have only met a once for a very long walk (13 miles) but we correspond a lot and do really get on. Added to which I am 69 and so don’t have much time to make a new life. Have others had similar experience.
Gordon

Hi Gordon,

Another user called Lexi22 has recently posted about starting a new relationship after being widowed - perhaps you might find it helpful to read and reply to her post? You can find it here: https://support.sueryder.org/community/life-after-bereavement/moving-someone-new

I don’t think it is wrong to look for a new relationship - you were happy in your marriage, so it makes sense that you would want that again. Everyone is different, but we do often see people advise not to make any big decisions for the first year. It does sound as though you and this lady are at quite different stages of grief, and you are likely to still be emotionally vulnerable, so it is ok to take things very slowly if that is what you feel you need.

Hi Gordon

I am so sorry for your loss. I was widowed 3 years ago and felt very guilty, like you, when I began to look into online dating.

I had had a very happy 20 year marriage but my husband of 54 died very suddenly, without any warning.

I was devastated and heartbroken but when the time was right, I began to dip my toe into online dating. I met a wonderful man, never thought I would fall in love again but I did. We got married but sadly he recently died of cancer, after a very short illness. We were husband and wife for 2 days.

I am obviously devastated again, he passed 7 weeks ago and now I have to come to terms with my bereavement. My point is that we know life is very short and if you can find a glimmer of love and happiness again, grab it and don’t let go. I had 10 wonderful months with my beautiful husband and I certainly don’t regret trying online dating.

Your family love you so don’t be too hard on yourself, they will be happy to see you happy again. A word of warning though, hopefully this new friendship will blossom into whatever you wish it to but if it doesn’t people aren’t always truthful on widowed websites, I came across a few who weren’t widowed and were just preying on the vulnerable.

I hope you find happiness Gordon.
Good luck, Jackie

Hello Jackie
Thank you so much for replying. My new lady is away on a fortnights’ holiday right now but we are meeting as soon as she gets back. The complicating factor is that I have just discovered I too may have cancer. I am due for a hernia op next month and while preparing for that tests showed disease elsewhere. The noble thing for me to do is walk away and not tell her. It seems so unfair to inflict further suffering on.her. But I cannot. My predicament has made me more determined in a strange way and I want to leave it up to her after telling both her and my family openly. It will not be easy.
Gordon x

Awwww, Gordon, life is so unbearable at times. I see from the time of your post that you too cannot sleep.

You sound like a real gent and I wish you luck with whatever you decide with your new lady.

I hope the they got it wrong and it’s only a hernia but whatever is thrown at you, you sound like the kind of guy who would face it head on. I wish you all the very best with everything and hope you do get the happy ending that we all deserve. Jackie x

And you sound lovely too. It is ironic that grief brings out virtue in people and you have suffered a lot.
Gordon x

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