daughter didnt want to die

My 34 year old daughter lost her fight with cancer on the 6th August 2018.She denied for 19 months that she would die of this horrible disease. even thou she was told she was terminal.For me as her mother i feel that i was not able to say things that i wanted or to resolve past issues (her getting pregnant at 16) .She refused to talk about what was to come and told me to stop crying and not to give up.I will never be able to lose the memory of her final 2 days when she would let out the most awful distressed cry for help and said NOT Now .She was given more sedation to calm her as i was told she was getting hysterical .She left a 17 year old daughter who has not shown any emotion whatsoever on the loss of her mother.I myself just mope around the house and cry ,sleep evades me and i hardly eat .I am having anxiety attacks if i do go out to the shops feel like everything is spinning around.I am supposed to go back to work tomorrow but i feel terrified and feel like i am expected to get back to it.

Gill I’m so so sorry for your loss how horrific that must have been for you … I lost my husband aged 36 Just 6 weeks ago … I know what u mean something as small as going to the shops and it feels like everything is going around u 200 miles an hour … I also lost my mum to cancer 2 years ago … she was the same refused to let it define her … please stay strong this community has help me so much x

Thank you i do feel so alone ,i dont want people getting fed up of me wanting to talk about her.Went back to work today on phased return ,it was so unnerving ,i only lasted a few hours couldn’t concentrate and started getting agitated and jumpy.Everyone was lovely but you do get the odd stupid comment.I am sending my kind thoughts on loosing your husband at such a young age.It is so terribly unfair and cruel to have the one we love snatched away .I went clothes shopping earlier and found myself just stood in this shop thinking oh my god she has gone .I still feel like it is unreal and that i am lost out at sea with no land or safety in sight.xx

Dear Gill b

I was so sad to read your post about your daughter and that she was ill for such a long time. She sounds a strong character but must have been so frightened inside. Having you with her must have helped so much even though those last few days must have been very painful for you to see.

I lost my Mum to cancer two years ago and watching my lovely bright, witty Mum going downhill was unbearable. My sister and I were with our Mum right to the end and though unbearable I think and hope she knew we were with her.

I was in shock the whole time Mum was ill and for a long time afterwards which your granddaughter may be experiencing. It is a terrible thing for her to lose her Mum so young. All you can do is to be with your grandaiughter when she is ready to talk or to give a her a cuddle.

I see you went back to work today and I am glad you have understanding employers who are allowing a gradual return. Today will have been the worst as it was the first time back. Every first feels like Mount Everest and unachievable. Don’t be pushed into doing more than you can. In the long run for both you and work a slow return is better.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Either from your doctor or by using the online bereavement counselling service Sue Ryder offers. Details are in the box to the right of this page. I haven’t used the service myself but think it sounds a good thing. No pressure as you do it from home and if you don’t like it you can stop.

Sleeping I know is a problem, two years on and I still have problems sometimes. I find these are linked to the days when I have not eaten much so please do try and eat something. I find things like beans on toast and scrambled eggs are easy to eat and comforting. I have rediscovered jelly too. Something about the sweetness is very appealing with some fruit in it.

Do keep coming back to this forum. People are kind, no one judges and we all have something in common. The loss of a loved one.


Dear Gill my heart goes out to you as this time last year my daughter aged 37 died after a year long battle with cancer. Like your daughter even though we were told it was terminal she chose to stay positive which meant the things we were going to put in place for her children did not get done. I can’t tell you the pain gets easier because it never does you just try to find a way of living with it. I don’t think I will ever be truly happy again but I love her children deeply. Although my 10 year old grandaughter is reacting like your grandaughter. She is going to have some counselling now and maybe that would help you’re grandaughter. I have also been advised that compassionate friends is a support group who specialise in the loss of a child. Thinking of you and sending a cyber hug. Take care, Sue x

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