Daughter with terminal cancer is so frightened

I have posted before back in January
Since then my daughter has deteriorated and due to radiotherapy on her neck she has lost use of her arm. She is in a lot of pain. No meds seem to cure it totally. She is frightened and I don’t know how to help her any more than I am.
She is a mum of two children now 3 and 7.
I help with housework childcare etc. But it’s the emotional side of things. We cry and hold each other. I have tried to comfort her but how can I ?
Nothing should hurt this badly.
I wish I could take her place.

Hi Carrie’s Mum,

I am so sorry at what a difficult time you and your family are going through. There isn’t really much I can say that will help you, just wanted to say how brave you and your daughter are, and please let her know there are people online who know of what she is going through and are hoping things improve for her.

I am so sorry for how difficult a time this is for you. I was in the same boat as you but the other way round. Know that by being there holding her and talking to her you are comforting her. Your best is good enough for your daughter, your love and care makes this easier for her. What you do need to do if you haven’t is help her to create memories to pass on to her children when they get older. Letters, cards, video messages for their milestones. Messages and cards for birthdays. This will be hard but get her to talk about how she wants to be remembered with her children, get her to write down her memories of being say 18 or 21 or her wedding day and her hopes and dreams for them the kind of people she hopes they will become. Get her to wrap up sentimental items jewllery or small ornaments, keepsakes of hers to give to them birthdays etc let them know what it meant to her and that she hopes they will cherish it. Knowing that they will have something of hers and her memories will be being passed onto them and that you will be watching over them will give her great comfort. Some people do not want to discuss their funeral as it is too hard too face but for some arranging some of the details beforehand will give them some control over their death and will grasp a little enjoyment from it. Could you perhaps arrange a video link up with some of her friends. They could even visit her with permission from her doctor and wearing the appropriate masks etc.
Maybe you could create some memories with her. Maybe there is somewhere in the world she has always wanted to visit and while you cant go there literally perhaps you could take a virtual tour on google. Maybe she loves animals and you could watch a webcam of a zoo together. You both could have some online virtual adventures. Maybe there is an event that she wishes she could be here for like a special birthday or anniversary maybe you could hold that early and have a wee silly party with her and her kids. Anything which will give her a little joy. If she liked music and dancing play her favourite music and dance with her dancing can just be waving her arms a little or just in her head remembering . Make your time together special and talk about your memories of her and of your own life.
Know that while we are all strangers on here we may all understand your situation better than most and that there are lots of understanding strangers on here thinking of you. Make sure you have a little support for yourself at this time whether it be a local careers group or a friend or another family member. Is there someone who can help you look after your daughter if there is let them and dont feel guilty about leaving her for a little while you need to take a little break for you. Whether it be to gain strength or to be able to have a good wee cry without your daughter seeing you or to even have a wee walk by the sea. Take a moment.
Thinking of you.

Hi Carriesmum

This is heart breaking to read and I cannot imagine how painful it is for you to watch your beloved daughter suffer so much and feel so powerless to help, but just by holding her and being there for Carrie, and her children, you are doing so much more than you know.

Meebee has offered some wonderful advice and I think so much of that could make a difference to Carrie. When my children were 5 and 8, I discovered I had cancer and what terrified me most was the thought of leaving my babies without a mum. Who would read my five year old son his bedtime stories or help my daughter through her teenage years? I was lucky that I didn’t have to face that and I’m still here ten years later to tell the tale, but I know Carrie will want more than anything to know that her babies will be okay whatever happens. That you will do your best to fill the gaps she will leave behind and to let them know just how much their mum loved them and how desperate she was not to leave them without her. The gifts to mark important anniversaries and rites of passage that Meebee describes will be priceless both to Carrie and the children.

You are doing amazing things by being so strong for her, when you must feel completely shattered by what is happening. Much love to you all and continued strength through such an unimaginably awful time xx

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Dear Monet
Your post and experience and your words are so thoughtful. Thank you you made my post seem better than it was and made me feel appreciated. Thank you for your kindness and you also gave me another idea video taping Carrie reading bedtime stories. These videos could be watched for years to come even when the kids are far too old for bedtime stories but just to be able to see their mum reading to them even when you are a young adult it would be cherished. May both of you take care of yourselves. My thoughts are with you.

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