day 3

I joined yesterday and told you of my numbness and shock of loosing my partner in such a short time.Today im still in a kind of nowhere not really part of anywhere just sitting with my dog, i slept a lot yesterday not even a normal sort of sleep just a sort of drugged state sleep struggled to keep my eyes open at all,today we have an appointment to go and collect the death certificate and see my partners mum although she has only concern for me i really am just wanting to push family members away seeing them as drowning clutching out for me to save them and i’m still just so quiet so still even my sons who have been so very supportive and done almost everything i find my self getting a little cross with (not audibly yet) cause they say ok? and i just feel everyone is just watching,waiting, judging my every move i know im being unfair but i just cant help it, i just feel a deep profound sadness not one that makes you cry just like a weight pulling ,we opened a letter yesteday it was a court summons for him for today he hadnt paid any poll tax since may i knew buisness was bad but the things that keep popping up like we’ve opened pandoras box keep, things just keep piling up my son is being amazing and dealing with it all and i know i should be reacting from the heart and helping, im not getting angry im just not really being part of it at al,l its like ive stepped outside the room i know all of whats going on inside and pretending that im a part of it , but my feelings are not matching my words not even a little bit…am i falling down the rabbit hole i wonder xx

No. Paula, you are not going down the rabbit hole. No way!! What you are feeling is so common in grief, especially in the early stages. I would suggest we all have felt or are feeling how you are. You will eventually find your way, but it’s best to take it as it comes. A day at a time. We become very introspective in grief. We turn in on ourselves and the outside world can seem like a dream. A lot of the problem is that those who have not experienced this pain try to be helpful They mean well but it can get annoying and it can make us irritable.
We are in a kind of ‘no man’s land’. We seem to no longer belong anywhere. That has been my experience and it may not be yours. We all express emotions in different ways.
Getting letters for a lost one is really upsetting. I could not open them for a while. Feelings won’t match words. You may well go on putting on a brave face, and I do know what you mean about others watching you.
Now try and do your best, it’s all you can do and all any of us can do. The time of years doesn’t help at all.
Blessings and take care.


I feel in limbo.I spend all this time on my own and I don’t know if that’s good for me,5 weeks down the line but there’s no one to go and visit just for a chat.I’m going to my neighbour for Christmas dinner but I feel anxious having to have a conversation with her and her Mum.I don’t know why I feel like this because we have been friends for 10 years.I just want January 1st to come round so I can try and get on with life but I don’t know how.


Morning Jill… I am very sorry to read all of this, it’s very raw and early days for you, it’s not good to be isolated, Go out for a walk if you can brave it, it helps me, do you live in the countryside x

Hello,Sarrah,I have been going out when the weather permits.When we get better weather,I will go out more often.I do make plans to go out but I open the curtains and find it’s wet and miserable.I also have Arthritis in my knee which makes walking difficult sometimes.I don’t live in the country.

Hi Jill, I found that lighting a candle helped me it gives a lovely warm glow. Or maybe doing something that keeps your mind busy at home, something you’ve enjoyed doing x

I keep busy with cross stitch embroidery.It’s surprising how the time flies when I am doing it. X

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