Dead inside

Coping with bereavement
24

Hi @Mei_Yee,

I am so sorry. I feel like that too. But I am lucky to have dogs, who love me. They force me out of my cave, and give me a reason to get through each day, especially the horrible first 3 months, when I had to put a brave face on me when inside I was howling.

So it must be very strange for you. I totally understand your feelings, but your friends are simply trying to help you in the only way they know how to. Could you sort of let them into your cave - tell them exactly why you don’t want to go out??? Would that be too difficult? Could you perhaps call the Samaritans on 116123? They are trained to listen - they won’t criticise, and nor will they mind you calling them, because you are not suicidal. Most people think of the Samaritans as the last resort, but that’s not what they are there for. I have called them many times since I lost my husband, and they have really, really helped me.

What is it about your cave that is so comforting? Is it the sense of familiarity you get there? Do you have a pet? Even having a goldfish could help, in a big enough bowl, feeding it and building it a sort of sea garden… Or could you buy yourself a Bonsai Tree? I saw some at a garden centre for about £12, and they looked magical to me. I am sure you can buy then online.

In any case, I have to go to have a bath and then walk my doggies.

Please keep in touch, this is in a sense the Tesco of grief - every little thing helps, especially when you are so alone.

Christie xxx

25

Dear Christie,

Thank you for your response. It’s really difficult for me, I don’t have kids and a pet. You might know that I am a foreigner, so I don’t have family here. Before I thought I have, my husband’s family was my family. However, I was wrong, my husband was wrong. After my husband’s funeral in a week. His sister and her husband came to my home told me I have to move out of my home. If I wanted to stay I have to pay rent. You never know what I felt that moment, they could not wait for longer days. So I moved to the house. Here is not my home without my husband, here is no family taste. Only a place for staying.

I knew Samaritan and contacted them.

By the way, I came from Hong Kong. I still have two sisters who live there. Only they can come to see me, I can’t go back for some reason.

When I moved here my weight was 52kg and now I am 44kg. It seems to keep going down.

I spent a lot of energy writing this post. I read your response for few days, but I didn’t have enough energy to reply. I am so sorry for that.

Thank you so much

Mei Yee

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26

Dear @Mei_Yee
The so called family who did this awful thing to you are a disgrace to humanity. To be so horrible to someone who is grieving its unforgivable. They will understand when it’s their turn, how awful they have treated you. I presume their motivation is simply greed & a sense of entitlement, neither will help them when its their turn to lose their partners.
Please know that the understanding & care expressed on each message here shows how much we all care for you & each other.

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27

Hi Jackflash, my husband passed away 2 years ago i am still struggling, i hit a brick wall at 8 months and had 6 weeks of counselling they cant repair you but you can empty all your emotions that you hold in for your families sake. I have been self isolating last year and ongoing i give excuses to my daughter why i cant visit i feel an outsider, lost and alone sometimes i just cant leave the house and i keep saying what’s the point.

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28

I absolutely understand and just feel hopeless and useless . Don’t know how I’m going to get through any part of the future

29

Hi Mei Yei,

I am sorry, I too have been away for a few days. There are organisations who can help you. Here are some links:

Here I hope you will find some help and also people who can talk to you. It’s always good to talk to the Samaritans.

I have a friend in Hong Kong who I have asked to come here, but at the moment I am about 200 miles away from London living in East Yorkshire.

Your weight loss is not good - I have lost a similar amount of weight, and at the moment I am trying to put some weight on, which is very difficult because I don’t really want to eat. But a few days ago I got a tube of ice cream, I have managed to eat half of it so far. Yesterday I got a take away from a Cantonese restaurant near to where I live. It was delicious but I could only manage to eat a little bit of it.

Living in a room by yourself must be awful. I married my husband years ago, and in his will he left everything to me, so at least I keep my house. It is so full of memories that it feels comforting and hurtful at the same time. It’s also isolated.

I don’t get on well with my husband’s family. I was his second wife, he divorced his first wife after a very unhappy marriage 20 years ago. His son was co executor of my husbands will. He did his part very quickly after he’d organised his father’s funeral, but I had to pay for the funeral.

He then went away, for a while he was quite nice and then he started telling me what to do. I had to eventually tell him not to do this, because it was upsetting me.

My husband was a very loving, kind and generous man. He only spoke to one of his sons, because the other wouldn’t speak to him. My husband had a very bad argument with his youngest brother, who for some reason hated me. We don’t know why. My Husband’s parents were very old - his mother has a stroke aged 84 and spent nearly 2 years in a nursing home, and at the same time his father had several strokes - he lived for 2 years after his wife died. Jim, my husband, was closest to his parents, along with his sister, so we took over the burden of care. Jim was working every week away from home, but every weekend we went to see them both taking some home cooked food for them, and things they liked such as sherry, and comfy clothes for his mother.

But after they died, we realised that Jim’s part in the family was over, there was too much arguing, so we let it be.

In a sense, I am in a similar position to you, but I have a home and enough money and food to take care of myself and my dogs.

I will keep praying for you, that you find some help very soon. Please keep in touch with me, because I feel that we are sisters in grief in a way. My great grandmother was a lady from China, who my great grandfather married when he visited China and met her. I still have 3 bowls from China here in this house. They are very beautiful.

Christie xxx

30

Dear Christie,
How are you these days.I hope you everything well.
Sorry for the late reply, I don’t feel well recently.
I am so grateful for your long reply. It’s meaning to me.
We met in the UK then he worked in Hong Kong. We contacted again and married in Hong Kong. I still remember that we went to register when we told the officer both of us were the first married. His expression was so funny. My husband was 50 and I was 45. Yes, we found each other for a long. I don’t understand why God took him away from me.
We lived in Hong Kong for 3 years. He was a lecturer at Hong Kong University. We never had any arguments because my English was not good for arguing. If he updated me I wrote a letter to him. Then he corrected it with a red pen and passed it to me and told me where the grammar was wrong.
The flat which my darling husband and I lived in was complicated.
It belonged to my husband’s sister before. When we decided to come back to the UK from Hong Kong. His father bought it from his sister at market price, because his sister got a new married. She and her new husband wanted to move to a bigger house. They have their son for each other. Both of them were the second married.
The flat was very near my parents-in-law, so his father bought it and wanted us moved in.
My husband paid half price of the flat to his father. Because his father told him when his parents passed away, all aspects would be shared with his sister and him. Therefore, the flat would belong to my husband. My husband paid the money in Hong Kong via a Hong Kong bank account.
The problem was the flat still under his sister’s name. When I asked about that, my husband said family no need for an agreement. He trusted his family, so I believed him.
You never believed after my husband left the second day, his sister came to my home with her husband and took all documents of my husband. She said she would sort them out, then the documents would return to me. On the third day they came again, this time they took all musical instruments away. She told me she would sell them at a good price. After two months I got a letter from her saying all the rest documents were destroyed for security reason. The music instruments were sold and the money deposited in my father-in-law bank account.
I did ask citizens advice what could I
do. The advice was very disappointing. I
hope you have patience for reading this long reply.

Mei xx

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31

Oh my goodness you must be beside yourself. I never understand how family can do this, but sadly they do even in the closest of families. You say you’ve been to citizens advice but I would suggest you get specific special legal advice on this. There must be something to be done.

32

No, although I was initially frightened of lockdown so soon after my bereavement, it became my safety when I needed it. Am very disturbed by the increased activity and noise since restrictions have ended, feel incredibly stressed by it and have stopped sleeping. I know I’ll probably adapt again but am certainly finding the changes difficult. It’s good to hear I’m not alone in these feelings, thanks for posting this.

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33

I would just like to carry on as I am at the moment. Potter in the garden, walk the dogs, and cry when I want to xxxx

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34

I also dread the end of lockdown restrictions I know I will have to face the world alone for the first time in my adult life
I’m 65 and was with my husband for 50 years
Up until now I’ve been able to hide from reality living day by day
We will get through this we gave to xxx

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35

Hi @Mei_Yee,

Have you contacted any of the organisations I suggested yet? I think you need to find a lawyer who understands Hong Kong law and British law, which is different.

Sometimes anyone can give bad advice. I don’t understand why your sister in law acted the way she did. Sometimes people can be cruel for no reason.

I can understand you not feeling well. You are in a very complicated and difficult situation. I will try to help you in any way that I can, as will other people here.

Please stay in touch with us.

Christie xxx

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36

I know, pottering is sanity at the moment. I don’t have animals but boy have my houseplants received the best care of their lives recently! I like to put on some music, get stuck in to some serious pottering and collapse in tears whenever I need. I know life is all about interacting with others too but it would be great if I could emerge from the more cocoon-like way of living when I am ready, not when others are demanding I get excited about the pubs reopening.

You deserve your time to be with yourself and I’m certain you’re doing the right thing for you.xxx

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37

I’m also moving house to a completely new area. So I can emerge at my own speed. Taking all my memories with me and also all of John’s things are coming too. I’m not leaving him behind x

38

Treehugger, I still potter two years on my garden looks great i have a cat who is very independent but knows when I’m low and sits on my lap. Do things in your own time and way. Social isolation has not helped you loose confidence in yourself, be kind to you.

39

That sounds about right. I’m starting to think about moving (I lost a parent rather than a partner but am living extremely close to where my Mum lived and died). For the first time a new place feels like it might be closer to what I need than to stay put. x

40

Thanks Tilly. Cat’s are amazing aren’t they. And there’s nothing like gardening for taking just a little bit of the pain away… Glad to hear the pottering continues, I don’t want to quit!