Dead inside

Am I the only in dreading end of lockdown? The thought of people just being able to pop in fills me with dread. Until now I’ve been shielded from the outside world and I just don’t want to be invaded, I’m not ready to be the jolly hostess again. I prefer to sit with my thoughts, cry when I want to, be angry when I want to, but that is going to be taken away when people have more freedom. I don’t want anyone coming into our home saying oh I’ll sort that for you ! No you won’t, leave it alone , I’ll do it when I’m ready. If it weren’t for my dogs and having to get up I just don’t think I’d bother. 5 months since losing the love of my life, and every day is as painful as the one before.

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I know exactly what you mean. 3 weeks since losing my soulmate and I really don’t see anything for myself in the future. Sending hugs

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Hi @Jackflash,

I’m a bit like you, my husband died 2 months before yours. He was my rock, my life, my soul. I operated on autopilot thru’ the technicalities, the funeral, stuff like that.

Like you, I have dogs, and I knew I had to survive because of them. I adore them, they’re all rescued, and they were our family.

Lockdown living doesn’t mean you have to go out. The advice is still to be very careful about protecting yourself, so go on doing what you’re doing if that feels right for you. If you don’t want to answer the door, just don’t. Leave a note asking anyone who chooses to pop in to ring you first. I live in a small isolated community on farmland, and I am fed up with a couple of people who have banged at my door and then proceeded to give me advice that I didn’t want or need. I ended up asking both of them to go away.

But whilst walking my dogs I’ve talked to a few people I used to talk to before, and had the most amazing comments from them: things like ‘you’ll find people avoiding you,’ , ‘I don’t know what to say,’ and, ’ he was such a great man.’

That helped me a lot. But many other times, I simply stay inside.

Cxxx

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Hi sorry for your loss. I lost my husband a year ago in the first lockdown so couldn’t see family or friends. Over a year later I’m actually dreading meeting friends knowing I will have to re live talking about Micks passing face to face. Take care

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Hello Jackfash,

I’m not dreading end of lockdown but I agree with you when people want to take control of you and interfere in your home. I would tell them immediately to back off. If they feel offended then so be it don’t bother coming back.
B.

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Thank you. It’s quite difficult as step children wanting to make sure I’m ok. I love the fact they care but I’m stubborn and independent and very used to doing things with my Harv

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I can understand your dilemma. Nobody could be more stubborn than I am. If you don’t tell them how it is then obviously they don’t know.

Politely sometimes one has to be cruel to be kind and I would be polite but firm and say thank you but no thank you, its making me worse than I already am. I prefer to cope my own way. If they persisted in wanting THEIR own way I would say it’s not up for debate, case closed.

Sorry, I’m not trying to tell you how to suck eggs.

If anyone disrespect my wishes and is determined to get THEIR own way then they don’t know the tree they are barking up.

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Thank you I just feel sometimes I’m manipulated I’m an east target

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I can appreciate how you feel. I’m sure that they mean well but cannot possibly understand the situation we find ourselves in, hence why one must say it how it is. Everybody has to do whatever they see fit to do. Take care.

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Hi, @Jackflash

Please don’t be a target, or let yourself be manipulated by anyone. Take care of yourself first, and then think very carefully about what you need to do next.

Christie xxx

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Dear Jackflash

Sorry for your loss. I am now approaching 8 months on this awful journey. I have received a few messages saying ‘can’t wait to see you’ from friends and family and in all honesty I do not want to see them or talk to them. They are either patronising or (and I find it shocking that I am saying this) pushing their wonderful lives that they still have in my face. My world fell apart in September, my husband taken so suddenly. These people have no idea the pain that I am experiencing but think that they can somehow sort me or my affairs. Some people will think I have lost it - and perhaps I have since loosing my husband - but all I want to do is build a barrier between me and the outside world until my time is up.

I do manage to get out of bed when I have to go and look after our beautiful, gentle little grandson, but the other days I just spend in bed.

Because of the way that my husband lost his life, I am often consumed with anger (towards him and the hobby that took his life), then guilt because he would so desperately have wanted to be here - for our kids, our grandson (with another on the way).

I am afraid I will not be putting out the ‘welcome mat’ to those not invited and they will be few in number.

Sheila

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@Sheila26,

I am also at that 7 months. I have adopted son, but he lives in another country that’s around a 12 - 14 hour flight away, closer to Australia than the UK. Obviously I cannot go there because of COVID.
go.

Jim and I had always assumed I was the one who was more likely to die first, because I had cancer in 2009. Since the, we found out that I ansi have a form of rheumatoid arthritis. I’ve had this for 15 years at least, but it was diagnosed 3 years ago.

We had a discussion when I had cancer about what he’d do when I died.He said he’d go to liver with our son, I said, ‘I hope you’ld find another wife.’ I even drafted an ad for him!!!

This time last year, we realised there was something wrong with him. Neither of us expected him to die. I am really struggling to come to terms with it.

Christie xxx

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Dear Christie

I have cried when I read your post. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband the distance between yourself and your son.

The lives that we thought we had mapped out for ourselves only to be taken in a short space of time is truly heartbreaking and leaves those of us behind left to deal with the massive impact and void that it has left.

It was a very selfless act of you to draft an ad and shows true love you had for your husband, Jim.

I do hope that there has been some form of valued support around for you during the lockdown.

Take care.

Oh I can so relate to how you’re feeling. When lockdown ends I just want to be left alone until I want to go out. I have children and stepchildren and they’ve been fantastic but they just pop round, not calling first, and I might be having a bad day where I’m still in my pj’s. Then I feel guilty that I’m not up and doing stuff :pensive: I lost my lovely husband to covid in January and my heart is truly broken. I can’t see that this feeling will ever get better. Love and hugs to you x

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I know what you feel. I just want to stay in my cave alone without disturbing. One and a half year has been passed, my heart is still breeding. I don’t care outside what is happening. My friends kept on telling me that’s not right. They said your husband has gone and never comes back but your life has to go on. Why don’t they understand since my husband left I have died with him? I won’t say anything to comfort you but I understand. xx

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I understand what you mean. I just want to hide in my cave alone without any disturbance.

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Hi there
During this lock down I have noticed many posts on this forum of people suffering because of finding themselves isolated. They want to meet up with friends/family for coffee etc and I felt there was something wrong with me as I didn’t crave this sort of thing at all. Don’t drink coffee or tea for a start
I have two wonderful dogs that have given me the will to live and yes, get out of bed in the morning. I enjoy our walks and I meet lots of people as I walk and have chats and that suits me just fine. I don’t particularly want people calling on me except for near family, who are great. I don’t think anyone would dare to start telling me how to lead my life So don’t let callers bully you. We will all cope with our grief in our own way and just take it slowly until you feel ready. You will know.
I keep myself busy and satisfied with the life I am leading. I have my bad days/weeks but this is to be expected and I take it as a part of my life now.
Weeks or even months after such a terrible loss is too soon to even be thinking of the future. Allow yourself to grieve.
The lockdown didn’t bother me once I became accustomed to it and I’m not particularly looking forward to it coming to an end. I quite liked the quiet roads and shops, and living in a tourist area I dread the crowds arriving. I’m wondering if I’m becoming a recluse.!!!

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I’m so relieved to read these responses , I was worried I was being a bit odd. But I’m happy (?) in my own world . Thank you so much everyone for sharing , seems we are all in very similar boats xxx take care everyone

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It’s so hard having to make excuses all the time because people assume things about the bereaved. I appreciate coming on here and posting my feelings but I do not want people at my door, bringing me useless gifts or trying to jolly me out of my feelings. I lost my daughter about 6 weeks ago and I want to hold my feelings tight and locked inside for awhile - they’re private and personal. I need to keep her and her memory close to me. I’m not ready to share yet…the memories are too precious. I know people mean well, but this is my first born child and I feel strongly that I need to keep her and the memories locked away for a while.

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Hi Sorry for ur loss
I know exactly what you mean too it’s been two months for me since loosing the love of my life 17 years we were married with two children
I’m actually doing a Islamic mourning process for 4 months and ten days where I don’t mix with friends or go out much it sounds horrible but it does help because I don’t really enjoy much company at the moment I don’t need a excuse to not see anyone
Some days I’m ok but the smallest thing can trigger my feelings
:broken_heart: sending hugs to u

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