I fear this is going to be quite long so I apologise in advance. During the pandemic my dad had to shield as he was ECV and throughout the duration I was doing all the shopping and errands for my parents, sometimes 4 times a week, as well as shopping for three other shielding pensioners. By the end of 2020 my dad’s health was really declining and early in 2021 we were told he had months not years left to live. My mum was his main carer until the end and I continued, along with my husband to support as much as we could, get whatever my mum wanted, my dad needed etc and on hand to anything manual, all the while juggling jobs and trying to be the best parents. My mum is quite particular and dare I say fussy with most things and at times I feel l made a problem for myself in that I never said no to her. Some weeks I’d be in three different supermarkets so she never went without whatever it is she wanted. I should also add she hasn’t driven in years.
My father died earlier this year and I just feel like my mum hasn’t stopped to consider the effect of this on me at all. I had three weeks off work when he passed away and she all but filled every day of it with various errands and things that needed to be done. If I suggested doing more than one thing in one day it was too much but I tried to explain I needed at least one day where I didn’t have to go out or do anything. It was my only time to process anything while the children were at school and I was exhausted. My bereavement leave ran into half term and we managed to get away for two nights for a break but I was made to feel guilty about that. I always think I need to do more but don’t know what else I can possibly do to help her without being completely run down by everything.
I went to see my dad in the funeral home and was interrogated about what he looked like and what I thought of various things, all whilst driving and after saying I had been but I didn’t want to talk about it. She couldn’t see that doing that while I was driving her around was inappropriate.
I know adjusting to life is going to be hard but I take my mum for her hair appointment weekly. If I’m not here, which is rare, she cancels as she refuses to drive or take a taxi as a one off. This makes me feel more guilty if I have something drop up. E.g. a party for my daughters school friend during the holidays.
After a recent family holiday my husband took her shopping as we all needed supplies, she wasn’t to two supermarkets that day, another supermarket 48 hours later and the next day rang me needing milk and various other bits. Not enough to justify an online shop but it meant that my first free day since returning from holiday with everyone and cooking, cleaning, packing, driving etc wasn’t free. I feel like I can’t grieve my dad’s passing because I’m always having to be at my mums beck and call and it’s suffocating if I’m honest. My husband has tried to say that I feel guilty I’m not doing enough but between work, our children and trying to maintain some balance it’s a struggle at times. This didn’t go down well but after a week nothing changed. I was asked to paint her new fence this summer but it’s a mammoth task and I’m trying to look after my daughters and maintain our home too. I feel like I have head space to process my grief and it comes in waves and knocks me over. Sometimes I just need quiet days to just be.