I lost my husband this year also my only son 3years ago i cant believe they are gone i looked after my husband for a few years which i found hard and sometimes wished i could find peace but now he is gone it has hit me hard.i feel quilty about how i used to get frustrated but i know deep down he is in a better place.everybody sees me as a cheery person always up for a laugh but it is a face i have put on for years and now that i am alone i find myself wanting to scream and tell people that what they see is not the real me
6 Likes
Sorry for your loss. Must be so hard to loose both son and your husband. I think we all put on a face to the outside world. Do you have a close friend you could tell how you really fee. Or perhaps a bereavement group where you could let it all out
1 Like
So sorry; you’ve had so much loss in such a short time. Maybe ask your GP for help, or for bereavement counselling? It’s a lot to cope with; no wonder you want to scream. Be kind to yourself, and get as much rest as you can.
1 Like
I’m so sorry for your losses @JACKIENJOHN98
If you feel you want to scream, then scream. Whatever you want to do, do it.
This is a horrendous journey we are on and you must do whatever it takes to help you through.
Can you reach out to friends or family and tell them how you feel. Let them know how you are struggling.
Please try not to feel guilty, you did your best. I know that is not easy, I too feel guilt, I’m trying not to but it’s hard to shake off.
But listening to people on here a lot of us feel guilt, and we shouldn’t
Please keep posting on here. You will find everyone will understand. We are all going through the same heartbreak. All at different stages and all ready to listen and support
Sending you big hugs 
Liz x x
1 Like
Thank you i have my grandson who is a godsend to me i dont think i could have carried on if he wasnt here he is 25 but has a old head on hi
3 Likes
Thank you for you kind thoughts my grandson who is 25 is a great help to me because i am disabled and have cancer i try to keep away from doctors and all they do is give you tablets which i have enough of
2 Likes
Thank you for you kind thoughts my grandson who is 25 is a great help to me because i am disabled and have cancer i try to keep away from doctors and all they do is give you tablets which i have enough of i must thank everybody that has replied i dont talk about my feelings normally but it is a help to hear from others that are going through the same as me
3 Likes
Jackie I feel terrible guilt and sadness because I got so angry with my husband and i couldn’t cope emotionally with his dementia which was nowhere near as bad as some people with dementia but because I was so upset and scarfed I had a very short fuse because there seemed no help from anywhere. I have 2 sons but it was lockdown after lockdown and everything for everyone was in turmoil I guess but i should have been more accepting and calm… and I wasn’t. So I feel guilt too . He died 2 years ago from a heart related problem so his dementia was cut short. I miss him every minute of every day after 56 years together. I send you my very best wishes and to tell you it is all a terrible loss for everyone who writes on here.
3 Likes
I was in the same situation of losing my temper and then feeling guilty afterwards also when asking for help i felt nobody was listening i was married for 51years and i used to wish he would just sleep away it sounds terrible now my actions if wishing that is making his death harder to take
2 Likes
Same here… just a dreadful feeling and can’t get motivated to do much but just carry on with this terrible loss. sending you my good wishes.
2 Likes
Hello Jackie,
This is just horrible isn’t it.
The guilt is difficult to bear for me too. My husband was a very brittle diabetic, his lower leg was amputated and although he coped very well (he never used his wheelchair since being discharged from hospital 7yrs ago) his health dominated our lives. Sometimes I was not my best self and would get frustrated, grumpy and angry with him. Oh how I regret my sometimes lack of patience and compassion. What I wouldn’t give to do it all again, to say sorry, to be better.
I also know I did everything I could for him. Caring for Scott was my priority and his needs were generally put before my own. He received hospital level care from me, and I know I saved him several times. It just wasn’t enough in the end, even if I had been home I’d not have been able to save him, even if I had it would have merely delayed the inevitable. His body was done, as he himself said.
Does knowing this help alleviate feelings of guilt? Not really, but I do accept I was under immense pressure. I work 48-60hrs per week in a demanding job. I took care of all housework (a big moan), all his needs and then my own. I did not have much energy left over for myself or anyone else.
So combine this with years of worrying and fear over something happening to him and it’s no wonder I was sometimes short tempered or frustrated. I was terrified and living on my nerves for years. Do I wish I had handled things better? Yes, I do. But I did the best I could with what I had at the time. I demonstrated my love for Scott everyday. In many, many way, he knew that and i know it too. I too had stupidly thought there might be some relief in not having to worry about him, only to find I’ve never been more wrong in my life and I’ve now been left with something much worse.
Guilt serves no function though. It’s an unnecessary burden. I was far from perfect, my husband wasn’t perfect either. We were perfect together though.
You too did the best you could Jackie. That’s good enough. Sending love xx
2 Likes
Hello…my husband died 10 days ago suddenly. He was at type 1 diabetic for 40 yrs. He died at 46yrs. He had a massibe heart attack in January and i had to drive him myself to the hospital. I feel guilty that i told him not to be moaning post heart attack. We both worked for the nhs. We have a. 13 year.old daughter. I miss him so much… I dont know how i am getting through each day. Its so so painful.
3 Likes
Oh pal.
I feel every ounce of your pain as it is mine too. It’s just awful and I’m so sorry for you, your daughter and your poor husband. Heartbreaking. Your husband was so young, that’s just tragic and bloody unfair. Please accept my sincere condolences.
People have no idea what a killer diabetes is. My husband never really took it seriously. I am also NHS and I knew through experience Scott was not going to reach an old age (he died at 66), no heart issues but end organ failure was taking hold. He died of a query stroke, thankfully he was peaceful in his own bed.
At 10 days in I was completely numb as I am sure you are. At 89days, I am pretty much still numb.
We all moan. That’s life and life is just hard. I wish I had not moaned so much but I can’t change it now. Don’t beat yourself up about this. Your thoughts, if anything like mine, will spiral. It helps to talk. Please message me if you ever want to talk. I can listen.
Sending you love and a hug. Xxx