Dealing with cancer and loss at the same time

Hello my name is Jen and i am a 25 year old mummy to 3 little boys. My youngest little boy only lived for 7 hours on the 20th october 2017, he was born with brain damage so had to be in the neonatal intensive care unit but he was showing great signs of improvement before he died. He had his eyes open looking around the room, gripped daddys finger and mine, and tried to pull his equipment off his face while i was talking to him about getting better and playing with his brothers at home. I was told to go back to my room on the labour ward because they had to do a procedure with him that ‘most parents find too disturbing to watch’…they were very insistent we wouldnt want to watch, so midwide wheeled me away in my wheelchair. About an hour later, without warning, he is brought to me in my room…his ventilator is no longer connected to him, his eyes now closed, midwives say he is ‘sleeping now’ and the neonatal doctor says he is so sorry there is nothing more he can do. My heart has been shattered since that day. I only continue on for the sake of my other two boys. My eldest is 5 and he was excited about meeting his baby brother…he knows he is dead but keeps asking if Alfie would like this toy or what his cry was like and if he would like to go with us to certain places. This is the hardest thing as i dont know how to respond.
i also have non hodgkins lymphoma cancer, i finished chemo in august when i was 6 months pregnant. I am due to start radiotherapy soon on the 21st and i just feel a bit overwhelmed. I have to admit too, that i am also scared about dying myself and leaving my loved ones behined especially my partner and young sons who rely on me day to day. I am staying strong and trying to be a ‘fighter’ for my family and friends, i assure them i am fine, but often it just feels like ive been given far too much to deal with. Greiving for alfie and helping my family through their own greif for him is all the more difficult with this ugly cancer to face. I feel bad that they worry about me too. My partner tells anyone who will listen that im ‘very ill’ and that he is struggling…i tell him there is support out there but he is embarassed about getting it.

Sorry, i realise this is long! Just needed to vent!

Hi Jen . I cant begin to imagine what you went threw and will continue to go threw while dealing with such a horrible illness yourself you are very brave . I’m only 28 myself and lost my fiance and father to our two children suddenly in July whilst dealing with cervical cancer myself. And have recently been diagnosed with ovarian cancer a few weeks ago. I think daily what have I done to deserve such pain. id go threw my illness over and over to have my fiance back as I’m sure u would to be able to have your little boy back. Keep going everyday will be hard some more than others but one day I’m sure we will both find light at the end of the tunnel.
Sending love